What I learned while living alone is that it’s beneficial in many ways to clean dishes right away. Behind me was the sound of Ruben eating deliciously. Fresh weather and delicious smells filling the room. It was when I was humming while washing the frying pan.
Thud.
‘Thud…?’
What I heard was definitely the sound of wood and metal colliding. To be precise, the sound of the wooden dining table and Ruben’s silver fork colliding.
“Ru, Ruben…”
And when I turned around, Ruben had put down his fork and knife and was getting up from his chair. The breakfast I prepared wasn’t even half finished.
“Wh, where are you going…? Is, is something, not to, yo, your liking…?”
“…”
I stuttered more than usual because I was so flustered. Ruben looked at me silently. While clearly showing his displeasure at that. Then, raising only the corners of his mouth to force a smile, he opened his mouth.
“No? But I have something urgent to do.”
“U, u, urgent, business…?”
“Yeah. You can eat what’s left.”
‘Lies…’
That he has urgent business is a complete lie. In the first place, his lover is his secretary. There’s no way I wouldn’t know Ruben’s schedule. Ruben’s bad point is that he wants to let everyone know he’s in a bad mood. Feeling that even while making such an obvious lie, he wants to let me know he’s in a bad mood, it seemed like the feelings I’d been suppressing for the past week would burst out.
‘How can you, do this to me…!’
An ordinary woman would have run away more than thirty times by now. Enduring all those moments, hypnotizing him again and again solely to make Ruben happy, and trying to match him. And this treatment is what I get in return. No more. I can’t stand it anymore. Today he won’t hurt anyone’s teeth or nose bone or shin.
“Wh, what’s with those eyes?”
“…”
“Are you glaring at me right now because I’m not eating? I can be busy, ah, you’re my secretary so you know my schedule, so you think I’m lying? Are you seeing me as a fucking idiot who lies about food right now? If you really like me,”
“Stop!”
I yelled harshly. At those words, Ruben seemed to have lost his words. But before he could say anything more, I had to suggest to him again.
“Sit.”
“…”
When he’ll follow even such a simple command from me in the end anyway. I sighed looking at Ruben sitting obediently in front of me as if asking when I had gotten angry.
“…You really…”
“…”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking while living. It’s really difficult. I’m saying it’s difficult…”
The sunlight is this warm, and with the window open the kitchen air is simply fresh. On such a nice morning, to feel this way with my beloved lover in front of me. I sat for a long time with both eyes pressed down with my palms.
Ruben is cute. He’s definitely lovable. I know there’s a good side somewhere inside him. Like he showed when he first met me, like he showed when he first took me as his lover, kind and bright and smiling well and affectionate… I know such an appearance exists somewhere.
But I have to try too hard to see that appearance. I have to invest so much time and effort that I can feel myself wearing down. Rather, if he had been trash from the beginning. For example, if on the day he first met me he had yelled that the food wasn’t very hot or smoked indoors, or at least, if he hadn’t smiled at me like that on the day he met me, if that had been the case,
‘If that had been the case… I wouldn’t have been deceived.’
I wouldn’t have been deceived that seeing his smiling face wasn’t a difficult thing. I lowered my hands and looked at Ruben’s face. His face was staring at empty space expressionlessly.
“Ruben… Ruben,”
“…”
“I’ll ask one last time… I, really…”
“…”
I swallowed. A premonition struck me that depending on what words came from his mouth, my heart that I thought would never waver might change.
“Really… what, was the problem…?”
“…”
“J, just now, just before… why exactly were you like that… Everything should have been, perfect…”
“…”
Anger rose at Ruben’s face with no answer. I walked around the table and stood in front of Ruben. Gripping his shoulders tightly and shaking them, I asked once more.
“What exactly is the problem! What did I do wrong?! How can I spend even one day without upsetting you, huh?! Just tell me what the fuck ruins your mood from morning, come on!”
Ruben expresses it when he’s in a bad mood. But he doesn’t share what upset him so much. He just endlessly expresses that he’s in a bad mood, hoping those around him will figure it out alone and solve it themselves. That suffering wore me down. It wounds my heart.
How exactly can I continue this love? It was when I was thinking that no words could make love well up in my heart again.
“…I wanted you to, stay with me…”
“…Huh?”
At the faint whisper that came from Ruben’s mouth, goosebumps rose on the nape of my neck. Unable to understand what he said, I asked again.
“…What does that mean?”
“…When eating… I wanted you to sit with me.”
“…”
I clearly felt the fierce flames that seemed to be burning me just moments ago immediately subside. The fresh morning breeze fills my soul. It feels like every cell in my body is concentrating on Ruben’s words. Ruben answers me as commanded. Even though I didn’t make him, he’s saying words that comfort my heart.
“I hate eating alone… Every morning you just prepare it, and I eat alone…”
“…”
“I hate eating while looking at your back… It bothers me that you always wash dishes first… I want to eat facing each other… I don’t want to eat with a housekeeper… If you’re my lover, we should eat together…”
“…”
“Wanting to eat breakfast… was also… because I wanted to start the day together…”
I can feel the love in my heart that I thought couldn’t be filled swelling to its limit. I clutched my chest. Otherwise it felt like my chest would burst. To be this cute. To have been this lonely. That baby-like loveliness was the greatest comfort to me.
“Bu, but, but… I don’t really eat breakfast… Breakfast, ta, takes a long time, and Ruben, you absolutely need meat and vegetables and eggs and bread all there…”
“…No… You don’t need them…”
No more. This loveliness, if I hear the next words I might really burst.
“Just sit with me… Even just bread is fine…”
“Rubeeeeeen!!!”
I finally burst. I rushed at Ruben and hugged him tightly. The chair was pushed back and fell over from the momentum making a loud sound, but neither I nor Ruben cared. While hugging Ruben tightly, I kissed his expressionless face all over. Those cute eyes. Golden eyelashes. The good-smelling skin, the sharp jawline and soft cheeks, I kissed all over his nose bridge and eyebrows and ears and lips.
“Ruben, Ruben, Ruben is definitely, definitely cute, the, the cutest in the world…!”
“…”
I was right after all. Inside Ruben, a childlike side that craves human love is hidden like this. Feeling indescribable satisfaction, I swallowed tears of emotion.
What Ruben really wants isn’t plates without environmental hormones, meals with perfect balance of protein and minerals, or butter melted to the right temperature. Time sitting facing me and eating. He was a baby who wanted affectionate time with the person he loves. Almost blaming Ruben while making wrong trial and error attempts alone without knowing that! I almost had tears welling up because I felt so sorry about it.
“I love you… Truly…”
I whispered that while looking affectionately at Ruben’s face.
*
“Ru, Ruben, good morning…”
“…What, did I… wake up late…”
I greeted Ruben good morning while trying to calm my heart stirring with pounding. Ruben’s memory has been cleanly erased. I had no choice but to throw away Ruben’s half-eaten breakfast because it had gotten completely cold. Ruben approached the dining table wondering at waking up later than usual.
“To, today I also woke up late…”
“…”
But I still think verification is necessary for everything. On the table I placed an endlessly simple meal. Bread and butter on a plastic plate. And slightly lukewarm orange juice, that’s all.
But what changed decisively was that there were two plates. Ruben’s plate and my plate. Confirming that Ruben sat down, I also sat down. Not a trace of displeasure showed on his face yet.
“Thanks.”
He smiled and picked up the bread. He spread butter and bit into the bread. He opened the orange juice cap and poured juice into my cup and his cup.
“Women like sweet things, right?”
“Ye, yes? Yes, yess,”
I almost choked at the sudden question. When I barely managed to answer, he went toward the refrigerator and took something out. A small glass bottle containing something orange. The bottle has no label, instead just ‘Orange’ written with a name pen. As I stared at it, Ruben cleared his throat and muttered.
“This is orange marmalade, spread it and eat it with me. I heard Andy’s wife made it, but I don’t eat sweet things…”
“Th, thank you!”
I hurriedly opened the jam lid. I spread the jam thickly, and when I hurriedly started eating lest I upset his mood, I heard a sound I didn’t expect.
“Haha…”
‘…?!’
Ruben laughed. That laugh was neither a sneer nor manic laughter. It was definitely a laugh directed at me. It was such a pure smile that I thought was really hard to get from Ruben.
“Why, why… why are you laughing…”
“Ha…”
Ruben reaches out his hand. His hand approached my mouth and lightly stroked my face. He smiled warmly. Truly like an angel. Smiling as if shining, he says.
“Because I’m happy.”
‘…It’s possible,’
Ruben’s loveliness is excessive. Because of that, I could actually think quite rationally.
It’s possible. Definitely possible. If this is what comes after all that hardship, it’s possible. I can change him. I can endure it. I can fix him. As long as my heart doesn’t burst from beating too much, I can handle this man. I’ll endure and endure this lovable being, and fix him. I can fix him!
“I, I also, li, no, lo, lo, lo, love you…!”
I almost shouted while clutching my chest. Now I can only pray that my heart will endure.
