Cough. Blood flowed out of my mouth. This time it was red blood. Ah, I’m glad I wrote down the recipe before coming.
“Call Malgeum right now!”
Blood came out every time I spoke. Drowsiness washed over me and I blinked my eyes. Bihyeon hugged my body tightly and shook his head. His hands were trembling. A fox with horrified eyes who looked at me and covered her mouth ran quickly outside the door.
“Stay conscious. I’ll treat you right away.”
His voice was trembling too. If I knew it would be like this, I shouldn’t have said those hurtful words. I shouldn’t have tried so hard… I should have just disappeared like this. I should have thrown away all sense of responsibility and everything and waited for death alone in that giant tomb. He who was trying to hold my hand paused and looked down. He must have seen my arm becoming transparent as he stopped breathing for a moment.
“…Malgeum will come. Stay conscious, please.”
He bit his lips hard, then immediately held my body tightly. Our eyes met. I blinked weakly and smiled. I can die now. I wish I could die alone though… I didn’t have the energy to speak. I released the strength from the hand he was holding. Bihyeon’s eyes widened as if he noticed my gaze. I shook my head with my last strength. Please don’t save me. My lips twitched and I closed my eyes. I didn’t mean to close them, but it was because it was hard to keep my eyes open anymore.
“No… Don’t do that. Don’t do that, Yoon Hansol.”
Ah. It was the first time I heard my name. After uttering my name, strength entered his hand. I heard a voice saying “Huh?” and his breath that became rough as if surprised.
* * *
I raised my head suddenly and looked around. It was the interior of a house I was seeing for the first time. It felt like an old house. The kind of house where you had to light a fire in the hearth and go to the outhouse to use the bathroom. But I felt it was familiar. And it was also very cozy and warm.
“Yoon-ah, let’s eat lunch.”
Huh? Mom and Dad wearing shabby hanbok came into the house with smiles. I jumped up and ran to them. My outfit was also shabby and my height and the hands that hugged them were really small. I’m a young child. I was held by them, blinked my eyes, and looked up at Dad who was twice my height. He had the same kind face as our dad who died in an accident, but was really subtly different. So I thought this might be a memory from my past life.
‘Why are you showing me this?’
I don’t want to see it. Because I know the ending is ultimately tragic. And I had an ominous premonition that if I saw the distant past, my guilt toward him would deepen even more. The food they brought with apologetic eyes was just a few potatoes. But I smiled brightly and clapped my hands.
“Yoon-ah. We’re going to play on the mountain later, right?”
“Yes!”
Memories gradually came back at my worried mom’s face. I didn’t know well at the time because I was young, but if it was this period, it was probably that time. It would be the point when there were few children in the village because young children were disappearing one by one or having accidents. The remaining Yeongsun from next door was lying ill with a fever.
‘This village has a shaman.’
That shaman was my aunt. Certainly a skilled shaman who served a proper god, not an evil spirit.
‘I don’t want to see it.’
I just want to die. I muttered like that, but what actually came out of my mouth was nothing but cheerful.
“I like potatoes.”
I ate the steaming potatoes while blowing on them. My stomach wasn’t full, but my heart was satisfied because Mom and Dad left me half of their portions. That’s how it was at that time. Now I just felt like crying because I was sorry to my parents. I who had eaten about half the potato wrapped the remaining potato in shabby cloth and jumped up. My body moved on its own, so it felt like I was dreaming. Ah, it must be a dream. Right now my body must be hovering between life and death after being stabbed by a knife.
“Are you going to offer it to the deity again today?”
“Yeah! I’ll be back.”
“Okay, don’t go in too deep, and you must return before the sun sets.”
“I will.”
There were no children to play with in the village, so I always used to climb the mountain. It was a high mountain right behind the village. At that time, in my eyes it just looked like a beautiful place with many animals, but the villagers were afraid of it, calling it a mountain that devours people. Among them, only our parents were positive about the mountain. They said it was a place where a deity resides and sometimes went to play with me, but recently they couldn’t come together because they were busy with farm work. It was a season passing autumn, so beautifully colored autumn leaves rustled and fell. The sound of stepping on fallen leaves was fun, so I laughed cheerfully.
“Deity-nim! I’m here.”
As I climbed the mountain diligently, there was a place in the middle where stones were roughly piled up. There were such places here and there on the mountain. My parents said that place was proof that a deity was there. I scurried over there and carefully put down the potato I brought. Then I closed my eyes and murmured.
“You were busy looking after the mountain today too, right? I hope you eat this and rest for just a little bit.”
I smiled broadly and looked at the stones, then got up from my seat. Now that I had greeted the deity, it was time to have a proper adventure. The squirrel on the tree that sometimes stole the food given to the deity, and if I went a bit further, the clear stream flowing. Everything was exciting to me.
Clatter.
“Huh?”
On this day, I was planning to explore near the stream again. I heard a sound from behind and turned around to see the potato had disappeared. And in its place, a strangely sparkling stone had fallen.
“The squirrel took it again.”
So quick too. I laughed because it was the first time it took something without me even seeing it. The stone that sparkled reflected by sunlight was so pretty. I had never seen such a stone. I picked up the stone and carefully placed it on the pile.
“The squirrel must have left it instead of the potato. It’s pretty.”
I smiled and stepped back. When I turned around to go again, there was another thud sound. That pretty stone had fallen again. I approached closer and grasped the stone. I felt warm warmth as if someone had been holding it tightly. This is so pretty… Could it be that the deity is giving it to me? No. My aunt once said I shouldn’t carelessly take things that are in the deity’s place.
“Ah!”
A good idea came to mind. I should take this and ask Mom to make an accessory. Because our mom is really good with her hands.
“Deity-nim, I’ll make this prettier and return it to you.”
I clapped my hands and laughed cheerfully, then took the stone and went home. Although there was still a long time until the sun set, I was thinking of showing this stone to Mom quickly and asking for help. I wanted to make it prettier. And above all, with a child’s heart, I was anxious about losing that stone.
* * *
I frowned and opened my eyes slightly. This time I really saw a familiar ceiling. And next to me was Bihyeon with unfocused eyes and his head lowered. When I trembled as I felt terrible pain, he urgently grabbed my hand.
“Yoon-ah…!”
Yoon… Ah, you finally realized I was that child. Tears flowed out because it was so painful. When I panted roughly because it was difficult to breathe, Bihyeon who was gripping my hand tightly bit his own wrist with a crunch and put the blood that came out into my mouth. The pain seemed to ease a little. But my chest hurt as if it would tear apart. I’d rather you didn’t know until the end. I’d rather you didn’t realize…
“No. Don’t do this…”
I felt like I was going to lose consciousness again. Then Bihyeon shook his head with a hardened face.
“Yoon-ah, please.”
I barely moved my hand and let out a long breath. I thought I had gotten a bit better, but I felt terrible pain again. I wanted to just faint. No, I just wish my breath would stop. I really want to stop now…
“Stop…”
When I spoke with difficulty, he lowered his head. It looked like an action to listen carefully to my words.
“…Let me… die…”
Please let me die. Please let me disappear now… I couldn’t continue to the end. Because I lost consciousness before the words were finished.
* * *
In front of my eyes, Mom was working hard to make something with me. Before going to the mountain, I was in the middle of making an accessory to offer to the deity directly with Mom’s help. Ah, I came to see the past again. It was also something I couldn’t do, continually dreaming without dying. It was like torture to me who didn’t want to see the past.
“There’s a saying that a dragon resides on that mountain.”
Mom said that and finished the golden accessory woven with various stones and handed it over to me. I at that time wouldn’t know, but I now had a memory of seeing that accessory somewhere. Where did I see it? Maybe because I was dreaming, my consciousness was a bit hazy so I couldn’t remember exactly.
“Then is that mountain protected by the dragon-nim?”
“No, that mountain is protected by the Creator God who created everything. The dragon is that person’s son.”
“How do you know so well, Mom?”
Mom smiled bitterly. I learned later, but Mom was someone who had to serve a deity like my aunt. I heard she ultimately refused that path thinking of me. Mom who avoided answering my question pressed the accessory wrapped in old cloth tightly into my hand.
“This seems like a gift the deity gave you. Will you still offer it?”
“Yes! This is the first time I’ve seen such a pretty stone since I was born. I want to offer it with gratitude.”
“Okay. Do that.”
I received the accessory Mom gave me and jumped up. I had been waiting for this to be completed since morning, so I was even excited. I hurriedly put on my shoes, packed up today’s leftover potato, and headed to the mountain behind. My aunt who was walking while observing the village saw me and smiled softly.
“Where are you going?”
“Ah…”
My aunt didn’t like that I went to the mountain. She worried that when the sun set, there were lots of bad things there and it was a really easy place for children to go missing. I glanced at her nervously and smiled awkwardly.
“Just going to play.”
“You’re not going to the mountain, are you?”
“Um… I… I’m going to play near the field!”
“Okay, do that.”
Since I shouldn’t lie, I should play near the field and then go to the mountain. I waved my hand and ran to the field.
