Even when the wind blew, the inside wasn’t cold. I was tightly covered with the blanket when I raised my head. Fluttering petals rode the wind and flowed inside. Ah, these golden petals…. It seemed to be from the tree we received when we went to the festival with Bihyeon.
The size of the petals placed before me was considerable. I reached out my hand and stroked the petals that were sparkling with a golden glow. Bihyeon, who had been staring at me intently, pulled out a petal for me. As I was reaching out my hand awkwardly, my eyes met his. He smiled faintly. It wasn’t his usual cold smile, but a subtle yet affectionate and warm smile.
‘Is this an unconscious action?’
Does he smile like that because he’s reminded of that child when he looks at me…. I felt a bit bitter. Instinctively, I felt an uncomfortable feeling that I shouldn’t continue like this. Maybe it’s because I keep having such dreams. I lowered my head and looked at my fingertips. This is why I was afraid to create something precious. Because I’m not strong enough to protect my precious things. Because I’m so powerless and shabby that even back then….
“Your expression doesn’t look good. Are you cold by any chance? Do you want to go inside?”
It was an indifferent voice. But the content was so kind that I raised my head. I lifted my hand to touch the area around my eyes and opened my mouth.
“No. I’m not. Um… I think I’m worried about the cafe.”
“Is now the time for you to worry about anyone else?”
Haha, his face is smiling but his eyes are chilly. That’s right. Who would I worry about right now? The cafe is one thing, but what I’m really worried about is you, Bihyeon. Strangely enough, I’m worried about you. Worried that you might be hurt, worried that you might be wounded again….
“You’re right. But still….”
I spoke quietly while staring intently at Bihyeon. Without avoiding his gaze even when our eyes met, I stared piercingly at those beautiful golden eyes and smiled slightly.
“I’m worried.”
In that moment, his smile disappeared. His gaze, which had sunk as if sad, wavered. It was an eye full of wonder and longing. Every time I faced Bihyeon’s eyes like that, there was a thought that came to mind. The one he longs for must have received such great love. Must have been so preciously cherished.
“I want to go inside now.”
“…Alright.”
I avoided his gaze first and spoke with a smile. At my words, Bihyeon, who seemed to be thinking of something else for a moment, rose from his seat. He carefully held the small house I was in and headed to his room. Perhaps thinking I might receive a shock, his every gesture and step was careful.
I covered myself with the blanket, lay down on the bed, and closed my eyes. Though my body was certainly comfortable from not working, my head felt increasingly complicated. Bihyeon, who had been watching me, asked,
“What do you want to eat for lunch?”
“I’m fine with anything. Everything I eat here is warm….”
He looked at me intently. It was true. The rice, soup, side dishes, and even snacks that the bear made—there wasn’t a single thing that wasn’t warm. I could feel so clearly that they were made with care, hoping the eater would enjoy them deliciously, that even my heart felt full. Moreover, maybe because it was a meal eaten with many people rather than alone, I really liked eating anything.
“Even if you just gave me rice without any side dishes, I’m confident I could eat it deliciously and gratefully.”
When I said that playfully, Bihyeon chuckled.
“It wouldn’t do to treat a guest like that.”
A guest…. Did Bihyeon-nim also consider that child a guest in this house? No, they were surely cherished like family. Not just by him, but by all the palace residents.
“Yes, that’s right. I am a guest.”
Muttering that, I looked elsewhere, then soon turned away from him to lie down and closed my eyes. I don’t know if I don’t want him to be reminded of that child when he looks at me, or if I want to deny that I am that child.
* * *
– You have to stop before it’s too late.
What?
I wanted to answer, but my mouth wouldn’t open. That child was shedding tears expressionlessly in front of Bihyeon, whose body was torn to shreds. The bloody appearance of Bihyeon changed into my parents. I could see my mother tightly holding me in the overturned car. The crying child raised their head and looked at me. My mother’s clothes as she held me in her arms gradually changed. So did the place and scenery where we were.
People wearing worn hanbok. Village residents holding torches in one hand and stones in the other…. My mother who wouldn’t let me go even while bleeding profusely from being struck by stones, and my father who died after his head was split open while blocking the front with her….
– It’s because of these things that the drought came. Because of these evil things!
I raised my arm and looked at my hands full of wounds. Things that might be my blood or might be others’ blood were smeared and sticky.
‘Because of me…?’
Someone approached and stood in front of my now-cold father. Among the residents in shabby attire, this person wore particularly fine hanbok. I slowly raised my head.
– It’s all because of you.
She grabbed my chin tightly and said through gritted teeth.
– It’s all because of you, Hanyoon. You killed your parents and brought the god to death. Because of you, everything….
My eyes met hers. My mouth moved.
‘Aunt…?’
– Aunt….
My mother trembled as she covered my ears. But soon her hands dropped limply with a thud.
“Huk….”
I gasped roughly and opened my eyes wide. I sat up from the bed and clutched my chest tightly. Tears streamed down.
‘Are you informing me like this because I’m denying it?’
That I am indeed that child….
Haha, a laugh came out. I covered my face with my trembling hands.
‘Please don’t let me know….’
I prayed to that god who must have revived me.
‘Please make it so that person, so that Bihyeon-nim, never knows that I am that child.’
Just like until now. It was when I was trembling and closing my eyes. I felt someone approaching. I exhaled and raised my head. My gaze met with Bihyeon, who was staring at me with unusually surprised eyes. I shed tears with an expressionless face, then turned my gaze to the transparent small child standing behind the door.
“Let’s go eat.”
He, who had been looking behind following my gaze, spoke in a low voice and stood blocking the door. As if blocking me from seeing alone. I stared at him blankly and smiled at my lips. Tears were still dripping from my eyes.
“What kind of dream did you have to be like this….”
Bihyeon’s eyes looking at me wavered.
“Crying so sadly.”
Bihyeon, who knelt on one knee before me, raised his hand then clenched his fist tightly. If my appearance wasn’t small, he surely would have wiped my tears. He surely would have carefully wiped them with those affectionate hands. Without knowing that I am that child. Affectionately even while only knowing me as a human with whom he has a connection…. Tears flowed again, so I eventually lowered my head and covered my face.
“My curse… can’t be lifted, right?”
At my question, Bihyeon’s lips moved then finally closed tightly. Right, it can’t be lifted without an enormous price. I don’t know how much time I have left, but that’s good. I can just disappear like this. I can die before you realize that that child is me. You wanted to die anyway. I’ve never once thought I wanted to live until now. I just endured forcibly because it was a life my parents gave me….
Ah, my parents. My mom and dad….
“Heu….”
I gritted my teeth because it seemed a sound would leak out.
“I’ll protect you, so don’t cry like that….”
Bang!
“Bihyeon-nim! Seodam has returned!”
The bear opened the door with a bang and spoke urgently. As I trembled, Bihyeon, who had been frowning, stood up and carefully held the small house and headed to the yard. I could see the rat kneeling on the bare ground and the cat beside him with their head bowed. The rat, who had reached out his hand to press down the cat’s head to make them bow at the waist, prostrated themselves flat together.
Bihyeon, who had placed the house where they could be seen well, walked forward and drew his sword. It’s a black sword with old golden ornaments. A beautiful yet somehow chilly-feeling longsword that mysteriously suited him. The cat, who seemed to already know what would happen to them, closed their eyes. The rat, unable to settle down, jumped up and blocked the front, then prostrated themselves flat again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…! This child only moved to protect that human. Myoun! Quickly return that human to their original state!”
“…But Seodam.”
“I’ll make a bigger house. If I use a little more power… then I can surely make a house where that child can live.”
So return them to their original state. At the rat’s words, the cat’s lips moved and they gestured toward me. Suddenly, as my legs seemed to float, my body, which had returned to its original size, fell to the ground.
Huh? I squeezed my eyes shut. But even as time passed, there was no pain. When I slightly opened one eye, I was in Bihyeon’s arms. When our eyes met, he then sat me down in the pavilion and slowly turned his head. A fierce gaze was directed at the cat.
“Bihyeon-nim, Judge of this world. This child is because of me…. Because I said I was worried about the human, they caused this incident. Please, if you are to punish, punish me.”
It seemed like trouble. Even watching from the side, the atmosphere was so serious that I tightly grabbed Bihyeon’s collar. The cat, whose eyes met his, bowed their head deeply with an expressionless but pale face. The rat didn’t rise with their head pressed to the ground, but trembled greatly while speaking in a desperate voice to protect the cat.
This won’t do. It seemed like even if I stepped forward, I wouldn’t be of any help, but… I rose from my seat, passed Bihyeon, and blocked the front of those two. Perhaps because I came out of that small house, my body strangely felt heavy and throbbed.
“Bihyeon-nim, I didn’t receive any harm.”
“You call that speaking right now?”
In the end, these people caused this incident to save me. I can’t let them be punished. When I glanced back, the rat rushed to me with eyes that said ‘Are you crazy?’ and grabbed my pants tightly as if telling me to stop. I also thought I should kneel together and plead, so I bent down. Then Bihyeon reached out his hand and grabbed my arm tightly. That strength was quite strong, so it hurt a little.
“What are you doing right now?”
“I’m also trying to plead. To forgive these people.”
“Do you know what just happened to you? If even a little went wrong, you would have been trapped in that house forever….”
The force gripping my arm became increasingly stronger, intensifying the pain. His lowered voice seemed angry at me. See. You’re too kind. So kind that it hurts my heart. And at the same time, I became angry. Even after suffering such terrible things because of humans in the past, your heart softened again. You’re foolishly giving your heart again….
