“I don’t like myself either. I know my appearance is shabby, and I’m sick and tired of where I’m living now. Of course I wanted to escape from debt too. But I hate it even more when Chahyun-ssi tries to fix me.”
“Look, Bae Yiyoung-ssi. I…”
“How far, how much does Chahyun-ssi plan to fix me? Until I meet Chahyun-ssi’s standards?”
Even as tears poured down, Yiyoung’s words didn’t stop.
“Can’t you just accept me as I am, even a little?”
He knew it was an unreasonable request. Of course, Yiyoung had also tried to show Chahyun his good side. But Yiyoung had something called limits.
“No matter how much I improve and get better, I won’t be satisfactory to Chahyun-ssi. I’m really just an ordinary person.”
“I understand what you’re saying. I’m sorry. So…”
Chahyun showed signs of anxiously clenching and unclenching his fists, as if hesitant even to comfort Yiyoung. Even his replies seemed to come out randomly, not knowing how to handle Yiyoung right now.
In truth, Yiyoung had never felt this miserable before and didn’t know how to comfort himself either, so he could only stamp his feet along with Chahyun. Yiyoung was so distraught that he rambled incoherently like a drunk person.
“I don’t want to match Chahyun-ssi’s standards. Honestly, I don’t even really know what’s good.”
“You don’t have to match them. I’ll, I’ll match everything to you.”
“I really don’t need things like luxury brands or penthouses. Things I could never buy anyway—I want to live my whole life without knowing they’re good.”
Yiyoung sniffled loudly and added.
“But because Chahyun-ssi is displeased, I keep shrinking without realizing it.”
With these words, Yiyoung’s tears stopped abruptly.
After crying it out once, he felt strangely refreshed. It felt like the emotions that had been weighing on his chest had been completely washed away. This must be why Chahyun lived without holding back anything he wanted to say.
As soon as he calmed down like that, Yiyoung became uncontrollably embarrassed.
‘I must be crazy.’
He had wailed like a child just because he heard some things he didn’t want to hear. If he was upset, he should have calmly explained things then and there, but instead he held it in and made a spectacle of himself like this. But Yiyoung hadn’t even known he was holding it in.
A silence like the calm after a storm flowed between the two of them.
“…”
“…”
Chahyun opened his mouth first.
“Bae Yiyoung-ssi.”
Yiyoung flinched at the sound of that low, soft voice calling him. When he sneakily raised his gaze, he saw Chahyun’s face looking down at him with eyes as affectionate as his voice.
“I wasn’t displeased with Bae Yiyoung-ssi. However, it’s true that I don’t like the environment surrounding Bae Yiyoung-ssi, and it’s also true that I want to change everything from one to ten. I thought that was the treatment appropriate for Bae Yiyoung-ssi.”
“…”
“Actually, I still think so. But I understand Bae Yiyoung-ssi’s position too.”
“…”
“From now on, I’ll try. To respect and accept even Bae Yiyoung-ssi’s, utterly desolate situation.”
As he said this, he clenched his molars and put strength in his voice as if making a very difficult resolution.
Had it been anyone else saying it, it would have been offensive, but hearing it from Chahyun somehow eased his mind. From his position, it was natural to want to help Yiyoung, and he had more than enough ability to do so, but the one receiving kept whining that it was burdensome—how frustrating must that be?
While grateful that Chahyun was making an effort, Yiyoung wiggled his fingers and got a firm answer.
“…Then I don’t have to move here, right?”
“Right.”
Chahyun rubbed his lips and chin hard with his large palm, making it obvious he was forcibly squeezing out words he didn’t want to say. Yiyoung let out a sigh of relief. Feeling a bit sorry for the suffering Chahyun, he reluctantly conceded.
“Shopping at department stores is fine. Within a one million won limit…”
That much seemed manageable. He’d built up a bit of immunity today.
At those words, Chahyun’s thick eyebrows twitched into a frown.
“I’m very grateful.”
Chahyun lowered his hand from his face and let out a long sigh.
Fortunately, when he met Yiyoung’s eyes again, Chahyun also had a relieved expression. Chahyun spoke in his usual cheerful tone.
“I’m really hungry now, should we eat here?”
“Yes, that’s good.”
At the welcome words, Yiyoung answered quickly. It felt like his appetite, which had completely dropped, had shot back up to the top of his head. For some reason, Chahyun shook his head lightly from side to side, burst into laughter, and called someone to order food and wine.
Yiyoung sprawled out on the spacious sofa, feeling like he wanted to fall asleep in a good mood.
***
After all that crying and commotion, Yiyoung started dozing off as soon as he ate dinner.
Chahyun let out a chuckle watching Yiyoung nod off with a wine glass in hand in front of his cleanly emptied plate. Looking down at his wristwatch, it was around 7 PM.
Chahyun stood up from his seat and stood next to Yiyoung, saying.
“Bae Yiyoung-ssi, get up. Sleep in the bed.”
“Okay.”
Though Yiyoung answered clearly, he lowered his head even deeper. Looking like he might collapse onto the dining table at any moment, Chahyun supported Yiyoung’s round forehead and held his shoulder to steady his swaying body.
Yiyoung’s neck tilted back limply. His face, flushed red from the alcohol, was clearly visible looking down. Yiyoung furrowed his closed eyelids slightly and whined.
“I’m sleepy…”
He’s drunk. No wonder he was drinking the wine so deliciously.
Being extremely tired and then suddenly relaxed when the alcohol entered his system, he seemed to have gotten tipsy quickly. It didn’t seem like he’d blackout, but rather he was in a state where he didn’t feel much discomfort even with behaviors he wouldn’t normally do.
In any case, his defenseless, relaxed appearance was cute, so Chahyun smiled broadly.
Chahyun knelt down beside Yiyoung. As he swept back Yiyoung’s bangs, a voice that might be used when coaxing a child leaked out without him realizing.
“Sleepy?”
Whether his alcohol-flushed face was itchy, Yiyoung nodded while scratching his furrowed forehead. That face looked exactly like an irritated nine-year-old boy, making it hard for Chahyun to hold back his laughter.
Yiyoung opened his loose eyelids and looked at Chahyun with a tearful expression.
“And I don’t want to wash up. I don’t want to get up.”
“You don’t want to get up?”
Chahyun lifted his body up from his sitting position. Before fully straightening his back, he slipped his arms under both of Yiyoung’s knees and pulled his back into an embrace. Easily lifting the small body from the chair, he said.
“Then I’ll have to carry you.”
Whether he was getting sleepy or not, Yiyoung had an indifferent expression. Chahyun headed to the bedroom while kissing Yiyoung’s forehead with little pecks.
After laying Yiyoung down on the bedroom bed, he took off his suit jacket.
He undid his tie and shirt buttons as he entered the bathroom. Since this was a place prepared so it wouldn’t be inconvenient to live in starting today if Yiyoung wanted, there were things like toothbrushes and pajamas. Chahyun washed up in the bathroom and came out, changing only his top to a t-shirt.
Then he lay down facing Yiyoung, who had fallen asleep still in the casual clothes he’d worn out from the private floor. Chahyun rested the side of his forehead on the fist of his elbow propped on the mattress, quietly looking down at the sleeping Yiyoung.
‘So this is why I couldn’t do anything and just sat on my hands.’
Now he saw it—it wasn’t that he didn’t know how to say things his lover didn’t want to hear, so he hadn’t paid off the small debt or let him continue living in a shack in a hillside slum. He had been respecting Yiyoung in his own way. Not giving help that Yiyoung didn’t want, no matter how shabby it looked to his own eyes.
Apart from the selfishness of wanting to fix Yiyoung to his own taste, that was right. Whether he liked it or not, Yiyoung had lived in poverty his whole life, and even Chahyun couldn’t change the past. Perhaps it was understandable that Yiyoung’s feelings were hurt when what could be called his life was entirely treated as shabby.
The situation would improve going forward, but Yiyoung seemed to want to do even that on his own.
‘Whatever it is, he wants to live according to his own means, is that it.’
And Yiyoung was convinced that Moon Chahyun was an excessive luxury and a stroke of luck for him. Even Chahyun couldn’t deny this fact, which made him feel deeply disappointed.
Chahyun stroked Yiyoung’s side and hip as he lay on his side, burying his nose in his crown and sniffing. The texture he touched was slender, and the fragrant soap scent pricked his nose. Without any thought of resisting the impulse, Chahyun lifted Yiyoung’s shirt and caressed his bare skin. As he rubbed the small but properly flat back, Yiyoung stirred slightly.
At the sign that he seemed to have woken up, Chahyun tilted his head down low to check Yiyoung’s face. Then Yiyoung sneakily lifted his eyelids that had looked closed and lowered. Whether the alcohol had worn off, he had a belated embarrassed expression about having acted cutely and whined to Chahyun earlier.
Still hoping his guard was lowered, Chahyun asked.
“You actually weren’t okay with it, were you? Me going on arranged dates.”
