“……”
“After playing around so well, suddenly making a serious farewell declaration. It doesn’t add up. I listened to your recitation well. You sing well and write novels well too, abilities I don’t have.”
A burly shadow approached closer. Yeon Cheonguk unconsciously sensed danger and stepped back.
Everything about Hwang Jegu’s world was rough. What was visible, what was audible, what was felt through smell, the feeling against his skin. It was quite opposite to the world Yeon Cheonguk constructed.
Light and darkness. On stage and the darkness behind the curtain.
Like the world of light Yeon Cheonguk belonged to and the world of the new moon he belonged to meshing together, an illusion of the two worlds overlapping flashed before his eyes.
“I had to check. Whether someone who doesn’t even have the confidence to meet and talk has the confidence to cut ties.”
“……”
Far from properly responding, he became ashamed of himself for being scared and stepping back.
It became an answer that it wasn’t so. From his attitude of failing to respond calmly, he’d already lost by far.
Having broken Yeon Cheonguk’s initiative all too easily, Hwang Jegu got to the point.
“I understand your intention well, and we’re going to dress up sharp this weekend and go do something important.”
Really, nothing was easy in front of this bastard. If only he could turn back time, it would be easier. He wouldn’t meet him. He would have lived in a world without Hwang Jegu.
“It’s not like I haven’t thought about what you blabbered. But the answer is it doesn’t matter. You getting on stage and receiving the spotlight has nothing to do with me. Because the place I’ll be is darkness anyway. Whether it’s a sea of blood or stars are visible, it’s in darkness. Regarding past events, it’s already known that I bullied you in the past, and you won’t suffer any more damage.”
“You don’t need to do that because of me, fuck, just…!”
In front of Yeon Cheonguk, who scoffed, Hwang Jegu also burst into light laughter.
“You have a talent for amusingly twisting words.”
“Ha……”
“Anyway, breaking up is absurd nonsense. It’s not even certain whether that bastard President Kim will really leave the musical world.”
“No, whether he does or not. To put it bluntly, even if I get naked and roll around in bed with that bastard, or do something ridiculous, it’s none of your business, is it? Do you think you have shares in my life?”
Hwang Jegu, who had been scanning Yeon Cheonguk from head to toe, stared quietly at his left chest.
“Then who’s there?”
“Huh?”
“Who penetrated your heart?”
For a moment his breath caught. Yeon Cheonguk turned his head far away to hide his warming eyes.
“Jegu-ya. Hwang Jegu, no… Your Majesty. Let’s stop. I have to run department events now and I’m busier than before.”
“I know, that you’re singing a congratulatory song on Saturday. So that evening you have somewhere to go with me.”
What the…! How did he know about the congratulatory song…!
Looking at him with an absurd face, he slowly recited an explanation.
“Jekyll and Hyde. Those musical tickets are that hard to get, right?”
“How on earth….”
“That guy who’s your department’s ’04 freshman class representative is a mini-homepage addict. He goes around writing guestbook entries everywhere blabbing all kinds of news. Lee Donggu is happily monitoring your class rep’s homepage. Searching for you once a day on that Cyworld thing, finding you briefly was also Lee Donggu’s achievement.”
“……!”
Lee Donggu. The name of the former part-timer hyung at Kkaebi Manga Village. So that part-timer hyung, and Gakseori too, were all still thick as thieves with Hwang Jegu.
Hwang Jegu, tilting his shoulder slightly toward Yeon Cheonguk who was at a loss for words, added,
“Just because I’m not in your world doesn’t mean you’re not in my world. Before and now.”
“……”
“Saturday evening. Clear your schedule.”
“Fuck….”
The car roughly reversed and exited the alley. Coming to his senses belatedly, he found the electronic dictionary clutched in his left hand.
The afterimage of Hwang Jegu suddenly appearing dressed up in the late hours of dawn wouldn’t disappear. His body scent had permeated so deeply it lingered in his nose all night.
Damn it. This is why I tried not to meet him. Damn it.
***
At the end of July with the typhoon gradually moving north, Hwang Jegu was quiet for several days. During the two acting lessons at the musical academy, there was no other contact.
He said there was somewhere to go in the evening after finishing the congratulatory song. He couldn’t predict where or when he’d appear.
With no contact exchanged, time passed and it became Thursday.
Actually, more than the mysterious Hwang Jegu, the suit was a bigger problem. Buying a suit to wear when singing the congratulatory song would be putting the cart before the horse, so he planned to borrow one. He had to get it before Saturday, but it wasn’t easy to find an acquaintance with a height similar to Yeon Cheonguk’s.
It happened to be his father’s birthday today, so he was scheduled to meet close relatives. Thinking of asking at that gathering, he exited the subway station.
Yeon Cheonguk arrived a little early at his father’s birthday gathering place. The private room at the beef restaurant was bustling with his aunt, uncle, and cousins he hadn’t seen in a long time.
After blowing out the candles on the birthday cake, the usual conversation pattern followed.
“Our Wonkyu passed the 7th grade civil service exam in architecture not long ago. We got him a car, for commuting. Cheonguk, what are you doing these days? Where, you went to an arts university?”
“Having one son, oh my, he sings. He’s stubborn about becoming a celebrity.”
“Cheonguk-ah. When are you going to come to your senses? Don’t you see your parents suffering, really? These days sons are worth their face value more.”
At the rude words, his family’s attitude of not taking Yeon Cheonguk’s side only brought a scoff. Yeon Cheonguk refused conversation with a dry laugh.
At the sight of Yeon Cheonguk not answering and focusing only on eating while wearing a sneer, the relatives coughed awkwardly.
In the awkward atmosphere, his great aunt held out an envelope.
“I brought this for Cheonguk’s family to use on a trip. It’s a ski resort condo voucher. Take a trip with your father in winter!”
Yeon Jaehee’s expression was dark as she left the restaurant. Sure enough, after all the relatives’ cars left the parking lot, Yeon Jaehee threw down the ski resort voucher while trembling.
“What, giving charity to beggars? They’re just bragging about their credit card gold tier gift. Why do Mom and Dad just quietly accept this, they should say they don’t need it!”
The father Yeon Cheonguk remembered from before was someone who had a clear voice in family gatherings. But the current father seemed like a different person. He was merely a weak person who conformed to relatives who simultaneously pitied and looked down on the family.
“This household, it’s painful every time I come. I’m sick of it. It’s like a swamp that holds us back from being happy!”
Of course, Yeon Cheonguk wasn’t pleased with the relatives’ treatment either. However, having seen his father collapsed and broken, refusing food and drink before, he was anxious that his father’s mental strength might collapse again.
Yeon Cheonguk took his father’s side and confronted his older sister.
“Yeon Jaehee, aren’t your words too harsh? A swamp was too much.”
“The carefree slacker who only does what he wants should stay quiet, shouldn’t he?”
“Who says I’m carefree? Where is a carefree person here?”
“I gave up a private university to get a scholarship. Going to a mediocre school is my lifelong regret. Don’t lecture me when you haven’t sacrificed anything.”
“I work until dawn while you study, giving Mom and Dad allowance. This isn’t sacrifice and only what you did is sacrifice?”
Yeon Cheonguk pointed at the car Yeon Jaehee had driven and continued shooting back.
“While preparing for the civil service exam and having the luxury to buy a used car, that’s sacrifice?”
At those words, his older sister’s expression stiffened instantly. Then their mother who also flinched, their father who averted his gaze far away. Yeon Cheonguk, looking at each in turn, read the truth.
They bought Yeon Jaehee a used car. Adding the allowance I sometimes sent too.
“Ha.”
“Jaehee goes to a lot of tutoring jobs here and there, Cheonguk, for you next time….”
It was when he scoffed loudly in disbelief. His father left the parking lot leaving behind a scolding voice.
“It’s all because I’m lacking. Because I couldn’t set an example. It’s all my fault!”
His mother and older sister ran after his father. Yeon Cheonguk passed them and headed for the bus stop.
He felt shabby the whole time. Poverty that leaked out even when plastered over with forced smiles. Family that kept growing distant time and again.
On the express bus on the road that circled high around Seoul, he opened and closed his cell phone several times.
A place to confide in this reality that hit rock bottom….
He couldn’t think of anyone except one person.
He leaned his head against the bus window. A sadness that couldn’t be explained with one word rushed in.
Dirty. Painful.
He couldn’t even borrow the suit to wear the day after tomorrow from his cousins. Should he borrow an ill-fitting suit from his boarding house people or classmates?
It was when he opened the boarding house door in a gloomy mood. The ahjumma called Yeon Cheonguk.
“Student! Cheonguk student!”
“Yes?”
“Someone asked me to give this to you? A person who looked like a biker gang member left it. These days they even deliver clothes directly to your house…? Student, were you actually a rich young master all along?”
Hanging on the boarding house living room wall was a stiff new suit.
In the box placed below the suit were even shoes. After the ahjumma finished making a fuss and went into her room, Yeon Cheonguk ended up sitting down right there. It was because the accumulated sadness burst and evaporated all at once.
This is a foul, really. A gracious son of a bitch….
