# Chapter 65
I left the house and headed for the station. Near Bel’s house, there was a very large station that made it easy to go anywhere. The street should have been bustling with people near the station, but perhaps because it was still early morning, the streets were quiet and empty.
I had dressed lightly since the temperature was supposed to rise in the afternoon, but right now the dawn air was chilly enough to sting my skin.
In case I couldn’t make it back home by the time Woosang returned, I sent him a text saying I was planning to go out early. I stared at my phone for a while waiting for a reply, but after confirming there was none, I entered the station.
I checked the address on the note I had received from the flower shop recently. It seemed to be a temporary meeting place where my colleagues occasionally gathered.
But since I didn’t have definite information yet, I needed time to prepare.
Two weeks until leaving Berlin. Two weeks was more than enough time to wrap things up. After two weeks, I could shed everything and go see the ocean.
That would be perfect when it became full summer.
Taking a deep breath, I looked around the station. The unfamiliar scenery had become familiar in just a few days, now firmly imprinted in my mind.
When I first moved to Paris, I wasn’t used to the complex surroundings and couldn’t go anywhere except near my home. Even after meeting Woosang, Paris remained a difficult place for me, but somehow, as time passed, neither Paris nor Berlin nor any place gave me a sense of despair anymore.
Now I knew how to find my way in these complex streets, and it didn’t seem that difficult.
Conversely, things that used to be effortless for me now felt heavy.
I couldn’t explain in words the fact that I was changing. My fingertips trembled. My eyes felt like they were about to sink in.
It would take some time to get from here to my destination. That was actually for the best. I could organize my thoughts along the way and release this bitter emotion.
Today I had to take the above-ground train, so I went up and boarded the incoming train. Sitting down, I stared blankly at the scenery outside. It had been pouring rain until recently, but today it seemed like it would be clear, fortunately.
Just then, a crowd of people rushed into the train. Checking the station name, I saw it was Berlin Central Station. People wanting to go somewhere don’t seem to care about the time.
Soon the train was packed with people in all directions, making what had been a spacious area feel cramped. To make matters worse, the person sitting next to me was large, and our shoulders pressed firmly together.
Then I heard voices from behind. Though I couldn’t understand the German, I saw people rustling through their pockets, taking out tickets.
It seemed they were checking for validated tickets.
I took out my ticket from my wallet and waited, and an employee came forward and held out his hand. I mindlessly handed over my ticket and waited for it to be returned. But even as time passed, the ticket didn’t return to my hand, and the employee just stared silently at my face.
‘What’s wrong?’
Wondering if there was something on my face, I rubbed it, but there was nothing there.
The employee said something to me, but I couldn’t understand and just stared blankly. After a while, he asked in English:
[There’s a problem with your ticket. Could you show me your ID?]
[What problem…?]
The cold tone and expression. Eyes filled with strange suspicion. An inexplicable chill swept over my head. I felt I shouldn’t hand over my ID here. My instinct screamed so.
[Your ID.]
The employee spoke to me again in a stronger tone. The surrounding passengers began to stir, looking at me and the man. I carefully watched the scenery passing by the window without letting him notice.
It seemed we would arrive at a station and stop soon.
[I bought the ticket this morning. What could be the problem?]
I spoke calmly, acting as if I had done nothing wrong. Just a little more. Just a little longer, and I could get off like this.
At that moment, I saw another employee walking toward me from behind.
[Refusing to show ID like this is obstruction of official duty. If you give it to me first, I’ll explain.]
The employee’s words confirmed my suspicions. Something was definitely wrong.
In this situation, my mind began to cool rapidly. I would need to get off the train, return to Bel’s house to gather what I needed, and leave Berlin.
Leaving was familiar.
‘…I have a place to go back to anyway.’
Just then, the train began to stop at the station. Looking inside the station, there were many people waiting to board.
[No. I can’t give you my ID without reason.]
Deliberately acting as if I had no intention of leaving, I slightly rested my head against the window and pretended not to care. The employee, unable to contain himself, grabbed my arm.
Goosebumps rose all over my body at his touch.
‘I have to go.’
At that moment, the train doors opened. People who were preparing to get off started to step out one by one.
I quickly stood up from my seat and pushed past the employees and people standing in front of me.
With screams, some people lost their balance and collapsed, but I had no time to care.
I heard a loud noise from behind.
Someone grabbed the hem of my clothes, but I twisted their hand away.
“…Damn it.”
Without time to look back, I made my way through the crowded station. I needed to go downstairs, take a bus, and return to Bel’s house…
Bel’s house was located in the city center, busy and full of people. There were too many watching eyes. Even a random employee at the station had been suspicious of me, so returning there wasn’t a good idea.
‘Where should I go?’
In an instant, I had lost my destination. I rolled my eyes searching for a bus stop. I had to go somewhere, anywhere.
Then suddenly I remembered the house where I used to live with Hund. If I went there, I would have everything I needed.
That house, in a forest where no one passed by even within the rural village, was still mine. So if I went there, no one would easily find me.
I was worried about Woosang, but during this period when he had just resumed his activities, they wouldn’t carelessly approach him.
‘Train, no. There are too many staff there, so by bus…’
I randomly boarded a bus that had arrived at a nearby bus stop.
“Haa, ha…”
The passengers stared at me as I gasped for breath after frantically boarding.
The unfamiliar gazes came at me like an attack. I hated all these things observing me.
I plopped down in an empty seat. Sweat was slowly seeping out. Looking at the scenery outside the window, it was a place I didn’t recognize at all.
Come to think of it, I was a complete foreigner in this city. Though my outward appearance seemed to have nothing out of place, that was it.
Really, that was it.
Not long after, I pressed the stop button at an unknown place. I swallowed my breath and didn’t even think about looking around.
After blinking for a while, I took out my phone with sweaty hands and turned on the map.
The place I needed to go. I needed to go to that place from the past. It felt strange to think about going to a place I thought I would never return to.
The fastest way to get from Berlin to the French city where I originally lived would be by plane. But taking a plane was out of the question.
After hesitating, I came up with a rough plan.
I blinked and took a deep breath. The strange anxiety and pressure of returning there felt oppressive, but it was okay.
Just because I was returning to that place didn’t mean I was returning to the past as a person.
Everything was out of necessity.
I looked around. There was still not a single person who knew me, and not a single thing I knew. Yet I wasn’t anxious.
Anxiety had been swallowed up and eliminated long ago. Especially after recalling the past.
So it was time to sort everything out. It was time for me to return to that place alone and face my complete past after a long time.
***
“Excuse me, where are you headed?”
The woman sitting next to me struck up a conversation. Hesitating how to answer, I smiled and replied:
“I’m going to Nice.”
It took more than half a day to leave Berlin, evade surveillance, escape Germany, and cross into France.
Now I was on a bus bound for Nice to go to where I used to live. Although Nice wasn’t my final destination, it was convenient to travel from there, so I had no choice.
“Are you traveling alone? No companions?”
Seemingly full of curiosity, the woman looked me up and down as she asked. In the past, such interest in me would have been burdensome, and I would have found it difficult to know how to react, but now I had a vague idea.
“Yes. My hometown is there, and my lover is waiting for me in Nice.”
“Oh, I see.”
At the mention of a lover, the woman slightly stiffened her expression and averted her gaze from me.
Lover.
‘I wonder if Woosang made it back home safely.’
I had thrown the phone I had been carrying into the river before leaving Berlin. I had sent him a message in advance that I wouldn’t be reachable, but since I hadn’t received a reply, I felt uneasy.
Satisfied with the now-quiet seat beside me, I leaned my head against the window. The small vibrations actually made me feel comfortable.
It would take about another hour to reach Nice. Since I would have to travel for several more hours after arriving in Nice, it seemed like I should get some sleep.
But music was leaking from the woman’s earphones beside me, and even when I closed my eyes and tried to ignore it, the small noises overlapped, and sleep fled somewhere.
Having no choice, I opened my eyes and looked at the scenery outside the window. Endless familiar sights, more familiar than Berlin, were being drawn. Familiar building styles, roads I’d often seen, and language signs.
Nevertheless, it didn’t feel like a place I had lived in for a long time. With these jumbled thoughts, I closed my eyes again, trying to clear away useless memories.
‘When I first came to France, what was I thinking?’
My naive and lacking past self seemed to have been delighted by the warm temperature. Completely forgetting what I had done to have this warmth, I lived intoxicated by small happiness.
If someone said I was now paying for my sins, I would have nothing to say. In any novel I read, villains were punished. It seemed that fact wouldn’t be much different in reality.
I sighed softly.
At that moment, the woman sitting next to me turned her head and seemed to be looking out the window. At the small glance and presence, I also opened my eyes.
Thinking we might have arrived already even though some time should have remained, I looked outside, and at the end of my gaze, I saw the sea.
The sea.
The place Woosang and I had planned to go. I stared at the sea for a long time, unable to take my eyes off it. The color of the sea, more transparent and beautiful than I had thought, tickled my eyes.
