Why did I come to like such a guy? The fact that my heart moved emotionally felt newly striking. I could guarantee that if I’d moved rationally, I wouldn’t have come to like Ruvlian.
“But does that mean you suddenly put the kid to sleep?”
At my words, I caught sight of Ruvlian’s fingertips flinching. Unusually sensitive. I’d felt it earlier too, but the sensitivity that had seemed to subside a bit was revealing itself again. Originally, when I’m by his side, Ruvlian doesn’t act so unreasonably like this.
The corners of his mouth that had been drawing soft, round curves became close to a straight line. Dark clouds gathered in his blue-green eyes. It seemed like the dam of emotions he’d been pressing down would burst and overflow at any moment.
Ruvlian, whose complexion wasn’t good, moved his lips for a while. Traces of anguish were fully revealed in that action. He forcibly inserted a smile at the corners of his mouth as if avoiding his crumpled face.
“Sihyeon, I’ve been waiting continuously. I’ve been holding back all the things I wanted to say because ignorant young me and my teacher were here.”
“……”
“I put them to sleep because we need to be alone to talk, so what’s wrong with that? You noticed my condition isn’t good right now, didn’t you? Then you should care about me first.”
Ruvlian looked at me pleadingly. The smile he’d forced disappeared without a trace. The corners of his mouth gradually turned downward. Rain finally fell from eyes covered with dark clouds.
At the tears flowing down his cheeks, even though no one told me to stop, I couldn’t move. The tears gathered on his chin fell and wet the floor. For a moment I was surprised enough to have the absurd thought of whether those tears falling sorrowfully might be my heart.
“It seems you’ve forgotten the situation right before coming to the past. You nearly died. You know that. You knew and still did it.”
My mouth shut tight. As Ruvlian said, I’d completely forgotten about gambling. Well, that wasn’t a very important fact to me, and the thought of having to escape that place together with Ruvlian dominated my mind.
Ruvlian smiled bitterly as if he’d seen through my current thoughts just from my expression. My chest area stung. I couldn’t bring out any words.
“Why do you treat your body so carelessly? When even a tiny wound appears on me, you immediately erase it with Divine Power, you fret over my wounds, so why are you so indifferent to your own wounds?”
His beautiful voice trembled pitifully. His white hands had strength entered to the point veins bulged. His reddened eyes, his pitiful eyes wet with tears made me unable to even make excuses. I absolutely couldn’t open my mouth.
“Don’t you think about how I must have felt watching you jump in bare-bodied without wearing any magic? Do you think I’d be happy about that? Same with putting me to sleep and going alone to that crazy bastard. I know that was the best option for you, I know, but……”
Unable to continue speaking, tears fell again from Ruvlian’s eyes. Each time tear marks gradually increased on the floor, it felt like wounds were appearing on me. I felt like someone was carving out my heart.
I knew that if Ruvlian had done the same thing as me, I would have been like that too. While measuring whether I had the right to be angry, whether we were close enough for that, pretending not to be while holding back, I would have ended up raising my voice asking why he did that. How could it be happy for someone you like to sacrifice themselves because of you? Rather, I’d mock and self-torture. I’d hammer at myself asking why I’m so powerless and weak.
“I like you.”
Thud. Ruvlian confessed with a trembling voice. It was words of liking that I’d received countless times even during my Hero days, but this time I couldn’t just pass it by. Sincerity lightly tossed out to not burden the other party and sincerity loaded with earnest emotions were different. My head became completely white.
“I always said it, didn’t I? You know it, don’t you? That I like you. So please don’t do such things. Put me as your priority. I know being jealous of young me is ugly, but it bothers me enough to tolerate that. It’s irritating. Only care about me.”
Ruvlian grabbed my sleeve and vomited out all the emotions inside. Those words stuck in my ears. Deep enough that they wouldn’t come out even if I tried to pull them out. At Ruvlian being anxious and impatient, which I’d never seen before, I fumbled with my lips, then decided to let out only a very small amount of my true feelings to the world.
“……I can’t promise I won’t do it.”
Unlike my brief hesitation, my voice was calmer and more indifferent than expected. It didn’t even tremble.
“Even if I go back to that time, I’ll do the same thing again.”
The wrinkles deepened in the grabbed clothes. It was because more strength entered Ruvlian’s hand. After quietly watching that, I continued speaking one beat late.
“……But I do such things because it’s you too. Because I hope you won’t get hurt.”
When you’re already above my existence called ‘me.’ When you’re at the very top. How much more of myself do I have to give? Of course, it’s not that I don’t understand Ruvlian’s feelings, him wavering like that.
I’m certain that Ruvlian likes me. He expressed his feelings in words and showed them in actions. It would be stranger to not be certain when he shows his feelings of liking without hiding them inside.
On the other hand, Ruvlian is certain I like him, but the foundation isn’t solid. I’ve never revealed my inner feelings of liking either in words or actions. I always answered ambiguously by lumping things together or avoided it. So now that all these things came rushing at once, it was natural to want confirmation.
The kindness and gentleness directed toward young Ruvlian held in my arms was also something Ruvlian had monopolized. It didn’t show outwardly, but that was the case. Such things he’d monopolized alone, I gave to the child just because he was Ruvlian’s childhood, so I unintentionally ended up stimulating Ruvlian even more.
Nearly getting seriously hurt and just forgetting it, caring less about Ruvlian because of the child, etc. I was reflecting on various things when Ruvlian placed his head on my shoulder with a thud.
“You seem more cunning than me…… You always only avoided things, but only at times like this you briefly take out your inner feelings.”
Ruvlian, who spoke while letting out a deflated breath, rubbed his head. I felt like patting him a couple times, but the hand that wasn’t supporting the child’s bottom was still caught, so I could only gently rest my head against the moving blonde hair.
After doing that for a while, Ruvlian slowly removed his head. The revealed face had traces of crying remaining enough for anyone to notice. Why doesn’t he look ugly even with swollen eyes? To a puzzling degree, he just looked like a beautiful person with a story. It was a world of difference from when Park Sichan had cried tears profusely.
While looking at Ruvlian’s face, I used Clean magic with one hand gesture to erase the blotchy tear marks. Then Ruvlian smiled, folding his eyes narrowly. With reddened eyes and moisture still remaining in them. Usually the endearing quality was strong, but now he strangely exuded a dangerous atmosphere.
“You should wipe tears with your hands, Sihyeon.”
“……The tears had already dried completely.”
While sending a look that said he already knew such a fact, what does he want me to do? Even when I use Clean magic because it seemed unpleasant, he’s like this. If he was going to pull tricks, he should have done it before. If he had, I would have passed it over this once without worry. I hid my inner feelings even more tightly so they couldn’t even come near my throat. They were words that couldn’t see the light of the world.
“Let’s go now. There’s an inn near here, so let’s get a room there and talk.”
“When does the kid wake up?”
“……After about a day. He’ll wake up after confronting God and receiving everything he’ll receive. In that forest.”
When I asked about the child, the answer came back slightly late. Usually he responds cheekily with an even brighter smile at every bothersome thing, but now he reveals himself raw like this. I really thought he’d received stress. Like playing a video, when I traced my memory, I could tell how sensitive Ruvlian had been and how much he’d shown it. The problem was paying too much attention to young Ruvlian.
The lock that had loosened from letting out a very small amount of true feelings tried to slip open again to let out more truth. I’d deliberately hidden my inner feelings even more tightly, but if I wasn’t careful, words like ‘caring about young Ruvlian is because it’s you, isn’t it’ seemed about to come out of my mouth. It was dangerous.
“Let’s hurry and go.”
One step. After crossing that clear boundary between shadow and light and looking at Ruvlian, he blushed his cheeks and had hazy eyes for a moment. When I pulled back the arm on the sleeve side, only then did focus return to his eyes as if he’d come to his senses.
“I don’t know the way.”
“It’s okay. I know it.”
Ruvlian who came out of the shadows was dazzling. Especially his golden hair seemed to have gathered all the light in the world. I thought that if he hadn’t used illusion magic, he would have captured the gaze of everyone passing through this area.
Whether his memory was good, Ruvlian moved his steps without hesitation. Even though he’d changed his appearance using illusion magic, most people on the street glanced at Ruvlian once. So I used magic that appropriately blurred recognition.
Suddenly laughter came from above. Ruvlian, who had naturally come down from my sleeve to hold hands, was laughing as if he couldn’t contain his joy, having thrown away somewhere the sensitivity he’d shown earlier. What on earth was funny? I couldn’t understand his sense of humor.
“Sihyeon, you originally don’t care about gazes and such, right?”
“I don’t.”
I’ve felt too many gazes during my Hero days, so this much doesn’t even move me. When I answered that way, Ruvlian smiled even more brightly. As if monopolizing all light alone.
“Then why did you care this time?”
“……”
“Were you jealous? Do you hate other people looking at me?”
“Right? Riiight?” he said while bringing his face even closer, urging an answer. The held hand swayed back and forth. A cool breeze passed through my hair. The sunlight was warm and the sky was clear without a single cloud. It was an especially nice day.
“No, so be quiet and just guide me.”
“Hmm. Is that so?”
He drew out the ‘so’ a bit more than usual. Anxiety rushed in for no reason. It felt like he was going to cause trouble again.
“Then, if I go sing a song over there and come back, Sihyeon won’t care?”
……Is he insane? I’m definitely feeling unexpected peacefulness, but that didn’t mean wasting time was okay. Though there were still several hours until night when we’d infiltrate the temple, who sings in the middle of a busy district? Getting his face completely exposed.
I knew Ruvlian wanted to hear that I used magic because of gazes directed at him. But even if he was inducing those words, still. Who in the past, with a face that draws attention even with illusion magic, who’s going to secretly infiltrate the temple, makes such an absurd statement about singing in the middle of the busy district near that temple?
It was the return of the crazy bastard I’d briefly forgotten.
