Chapter 5
After that, the tension between us eased and we talked for a long time again.
I didn’t know that directly hearing about a world I knew nothing about could be such an enjoyable thing.
“Would you like more wine?”
“Ah, no. Actually, I’m not good with alcohol, so I think I should stop now.”
“Is that so?”
I was embarrassed to be tipsy from just one glass of wine, but I waved my hand because I felt I would really get drunk if I drank more.
In contrast, Usang had emptied an entire bottle of wine by himself without any change in his complexion. Rather, he seemed somehow disappointed that he couldn’t drink more.
Do people normally drink a bottle of wine without any issue? Not knowing what was average, I just glanced around.
Usang wasn’t particularly skilled in conversation either, but looking at my expression, he seemed to be trying to recall fun stories on purpose.
Yet seeing him never smile widely, I felt a strange curiosity.
Although we hadn’t met frequently yet, Usang always spoke as if indifferent to others’ affairs.
Perhaps because of that, while it was pleasant and fun to converse with him, I couldn’t judge exactly whether he found being with me enjoyable.
Somehow Usang gave the impression that contact might be cut off without a word at any time.
I liked calmness, but I realized for the first time that calmness sometimes creates discomfort.
Had I been the only one to notice this strange distance?
Come to think of it, I suddenly remembered his other friends.
Friends who seemed very close to him and his indifferent expression. Recalling these, I thought to myself that I wasn’t the only one feeling this emotion.
Did he know? His own strange sense of distance.
We talked over the meal for a long time and then got up.
When I returned from the bathroom, Usang had already paid.
“I was going to pay…”
“You can treat me next time. We’ll meet again, right?”
“…Yes.”
I reluctantly agreed to promise a next time.
Then while I was blankly looking at a potted plant in the restaurant, he was smoking a cigarette outside.
“You smoke?”
“Ah, this is a smoking cessation cigarette. I used to smoke a little, but now I want to quit completely, so I’m trying this.”
“Really?”
When I looked at him with curious eyes, Usang offered me one, asking if I wanted to try.
I took it and was looking for a lighter, but Usang had already lit his and was holding it out to me. I thanked him and lightly lit the smoking cessation cigarette.
Our eyes met across the lighter.
Our gazes touched slightly.
Somehow it was a strange feeling.
“It’s not bad.”
I moved away and took a puff of smoke. It didn’t taste as bad as I’d thought.
I didn’t particularly want to quit smoking, but since he was quitting, I thought it might be good for me to try quitting as well.
Rather than for health reasons, my stronger motivation was not wanting to fight with the unfamiliar cigarette vending machines because of cigarettes.
Like how sometimes such trivial things can make everything tedious.
It was a funny reason.
“…Your eyes are pretty.”
While I was absentmindedly smoking the cessation cigarette, Usang muttered softly.
I turned my head and looked at him.
“Ah, I’m sorry. I don’t have any other intentions, it’s just that your eyes looked pretty in the light.”
“…It’s okay.”
I smiled brightly at him.
Perhaps because of the wine, Usang’s reddened cheeks looked even redder in the sunset light.
Worried that my cheeks might look the same to him, I rubbed my face with the back of my hand. Usang, perhaps surprised by his own words, said we should go now and walked ahead first.
As I followed him one step behind, he turned his steps toward a nearby trash can and threw in the smoking cessation cigarette that had burned away.
I also took one last drag, roughly stubbed it out on top of the trash can, and threw the butt inside.
“How are you getting home?”
“I need to take the bus.”
“I’m also going by bus, so we can go to the bus stop together.”
Usang answered with a slight smile.
When I checked the time, it was already nine.
The sunset glow was still so intense, yet time had already passed by quickly.
“Speaking of girlfriends earlier, I just remembered something.”
“Yes.”
I was surprised when a word I thought had already been forgotten suddenly came up, and I mumbled.
“I probably won’t be able to date anyone in the future.”
“……”
“Do you know Isadora Duncan?”
I nodded at the name I’d read about in a book before.
“Mm, I’ve heard the name.”
“She’s the founder of modern dance, but people were more curious about what kind of men she met than about that. Even now, many people are more interested in Duncan’s scandals than her dance. I really hate that. Being more curious about someone’s dirty private life than their dance. Of course, I would need to become that famous to receive such attention, but I don’t want even a grain of attention from such rumors.”
Usang muttered with an expressionless face and stood in front of the bus stop.
I couldn’t feel any emotion in that expression. Usang’s infinitely cold expression frightened me.
Does he know that he makes such an expression? If he knew, it would be a difficult expression to create.
I blinked and mulled over his words.
It was a word that didn’t match Usang. I was surprised to hear something I didn’t expect from his mouth and had no idea how to react.
“I’m just saying. I’m sorry. I don’t think I drank that much, but I must be drunk.”
In a situation where he didn’t need to apologize, the “sorry” he uttered somehow seemed to let me know what he wanted to say.
I stared at his profile silently.
I wanted to say something too and moved my lips, but I couldn’t easily speak.
After a while without speaking, I saw the bus coming and said to Usang.
“Let’s see each other again.”
“Yes. I’ll contact you.”
“Yes. Today was really fun. Next time I’ll treat you at a better place. Take care.”
“Take care.”
We said hasty goodbyes and parted.
My fingertips didn’t touch him, but somehow I felt a warmth.
Partings are always sudden.
I was organizing what I should say to Usang but hurriedly got on the bus as the sudden farewell approached.
And from inside the bus, I looked at Usang standing blankly. The bitter expression I’d seen earlier was nowhere to be found, and he’d returned to his original expressionless face.
I swallowed that expression and tucked it into a corner of my mind. Perhaps because of the alcohol, my legs felt a bit numb. Sitting in the corner of the bus, I recalled today again.
This was the first day that had been so enjoyable. The performance, the meal, even smoking a single cessation cigarette was fun.
Getting off the bus that stopped in front of my home, I went up, washed, and immediately lay down on the bed. Checking my phone, there was a message from Usang.
It showed a picture of me eating dessert at the restaurant, taken at some point I wasn’t aware of.
Since I normally lived without drinking alcohol, I looked strange eating dessert with a slightly stupid expression and my face tinged red from just one glass of wine.
I stared intently at my awkward appearance and then suddenly fell asleep.
***
As a child, I lived in a country where snow piled as high as my height.
My parents didn’t give me attention and spent most of their time hating each other. Watching them, I thought that’s how all people lived.
In a small village of a city that no one visited, I lived without uttering a word.
Fortunately or not, by the time I could think properly, my parents were dead and gone.
Of course, even after that, I only learned hatred and accumulated such words in my heart.
But the novels I happened to read didn’t contain the language of hatred.
I loved those stories.
Could I someday live erasing hatred and negative emotions, uttering sweet words like in books?
While gathering my thoughts absentmindedly, when I came to my senses, someone’s corpse was placed at my bedside.
‘Yes, this is where I belong.’
I muttered like that.
The corpse placed beside me said the same.
‘Did you think something would change by coming to the city?’
I shook my head at those words.
‘Of course, I thought I would always stay by your side.’
I answered the corpse. Our eyes met. I sent no emotions toward him. He was the same.
Yet I followed another gaze that reached the edge of this place to the very end.
I was still dreaming of the world in novels. I was utterly foolish.
***
When I opened my eyes, I was still on the bed.
Perhaps because I’d met Usang last night, somehow I didn’t feel bad despite having dreamed of the past.
I yawned widely and fumbled beside me for my phone. Come to think of it, I’d fallen asleep while looking at the photo Usang had sent me yesterday.
Wondering if it was an illusion I’d created, I turned on my phone, and the photo was still in the message, along with a greeting asking if I’d arrived home safely.
I quickly replied to it.
“I got home safely. I must have fallen asleep. How about you?”
As I was checking if there were any mistakes, despite it being early morning, a reply from Usang had already arrived.
“I was worried something had happened. I’m glad nothing did. Have a good day.”
I smiled slightly at that reply and sent a message wishing him a good day as well.
“Bonne journée.” (Have a good day.)
Both Usang and I seemed to be getting used to this strangely formal tone.
Usually in France, even if there was a big age difference, if you knew each other and were close, you would speak informally.
But I’d never conversed with anyone informally in my life. Nevertheless, somehow I wanted to talk with Usang not in this stiff formal speech, but in friendly informal language.
I read the text message again and fell into thought.
It was a difficult thing.
Although I thought it was pathetic and selfish to desire something, once a thought took hold, it wouldn’t leave me.
I’m a person with much more greed than I thought. Muttering inwardly, I slightly closed my clear eyes.
