# Chapter 42
“I want to go back to Paris.”
I told Woosang. He was drinking hot tea and stared at me blankly.
“Now?”
“No, I want to pack up and go to Paris as soon as we return to Brussels.”
“……”
I sensed a strange hostility, but ignored it and continued.
“I felt comfortable staying there. It’s familiar…”
“You don’t like crowded places. You were saying just recently that Brussels is better than Paris because there are fewer tourists.”
“…You don’t want to?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to.”
I thought if I suggested going back to Paris, he might show reluctance but would agree. It was the city where we met, and originally where we lived.
I carefully observed him, afraid I might be asking a question I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t matter if an argument broke out, but I didn’t want to create a situation where voices would be raised.
“We don’t necessarily have to go to Paris. Even though Brussels is less familiar than Paris.”
“I thought Paris would be better if I had to live somewhere. And all your work is there too…”
“Work doesn’t matter.”
He cut me off and answered.
“……”
With a bitter feeling, I looked straight into Woosang’s eyes. I thought we could have a proper conversation now, but Woosang still withdrew whenever talk of work came up.
“What are you anxious about?”
“I’m not anxious. I just mean there’s no need to be rushed because of work.”
“I’ll be waiting at home anyway…”
“I’m not so sure.”
I started to feel sorry for pressuring him. I thought I should stop for today.
He quickly drank the tea in his cup as if trying to improve his mood. I took his cup to put it away and gestured for us to leave. Woosang sighed again and followed behind me.
Today was our last day of travel in Switzerland.
We had wasted several days fighting, and although we had been busy visiting various places, we didn’t have as much time as expected. We had just come down from the mountain and were pleasantly enjoying warm tea when I brought up the topic of moving, thinking it would be okay now.
I wondered if I had only made him feel bad, but I couldn’t keep postponing it. I wanted to prepare to leave for Paris as soon as we returned to Brussels.
Quite some time had passed since Woosang gave up his work, and I was hesitant to try something new in Brussels.
Whether Woosang knew my feelings or not, he remained silent as if still frustrated. Looking at him, I glanced around and secretly pulled his arm toward a place where there were no people.
“What is it?”
Woosang asked, seemingly confused.
“Nothing.”
After checking that there was no one around, I put my arm around Woosang’s shoulder and tapped it with my finger as if asking him to look at me. He seemed to finally notice and glanced at me. When our eyes met, I felt the tension ease.
Recently, we had been busy keeping our distance, making expressions of affection quite awkward.
It was my fault. I already knew that.
But a certain distance was a necessary element for us. We were afraid of showing our true selves to each other, and at night, we had no choice but to avoid each other for fear of being discovered.
Cautiously, we looked at each other and narrowed the distance. Our breaths touched, causing a tickling sensation. It wasn’t bad. Actually, it was very good. It finally felt like we had found our own leisurely moment.
Then a loud voice came from behind.
[Hey, there!]
Startled, I pushed Woosang’s shoulder back and quickly turned around.
“…Damn it.”
Woosang muttered softly.
As I looked around with a bitter smile, I saw a familiar face in the distance.
I couldn’t say he was very familiar, but it was the Australian man we had met at the pub on our first day in Switzerland.
[Hello, we meet again. You’re still in Switzerland.]
[Hello. Um, yes.]
[I didn’t tell you my name, did I? I’m Oliver. And you?]
[I’m Teo.]
I shook his outstretched hand reflexively. Oliver smiled cheerfully at me and asked how I was. I wondered if he would mention seeing Woosang and me close together, but he didn’t say anything particular.
“Who is he?”
“Someone I met at the pub on the first day. While waiting for the bathroom…”
“Ah.”
After whispering, Woosang smiled nonchalantly and extended his hand to Oliver.
[Hello, I’m Teo’s friend.]
[Hello, I’m Oliver.]
Woosang glanced at me as if this situation wasn’t welcome to him and just smiled politely. I watched his reaction and asked Oliver:
[You said you’re going to Paris soon, right?]
[Yes. When are you returning to Paris?]
[I think I’ll go in about two weeks.]
[Really? Then give me your contact. I’ll call you later.]
The persistent Oliver casually held out his phone to me. I hesitated seeing it, but couldn’t find words to refuse, so I left my number on his phone. Oliver said he had plans and would contact me later, then quickly disappeared.
Woosang and I stood there for a while, dumbfounded, wondering what had just happened.
“Um, he’s a cheerful friend.”
“Yes, he is.”
We, who don’t get particularly excited during ordinary conversations, couldn’t find a way to react to this situation and just watched Oliver’s retreating back. His appearance had passed so quickly that there was nothing to ask or measure.
Because of Oliver, I had completely forgotten what we were doing just before.
“Shall we go back to the hotel now?”
“Y-yes.”
The awkward atmosphere left only a clumsy smile. I walked while feeling the lingering warmth of Woosang in my palm. Despite it being evening, the wind wasn’t strong today. I missed the opportunity to hold his hand under the excuse of being cold, and silently boarded the train.
As I absentmindedly looked at the scenery through the window, I realized that five days had already passed in Switzerland. Memorable moments had passed faster than expected.
Woosang, apparently tired, yawned and leaned on my shoulder to sleep as if it was the most natural thing. After carefully adjusting his head, I thought.
Would we be in Paris in two weeks? It was a casual remark I made to Oliver, but I hoped that date would become true.
At this moment, for some reason, my head spun with nostalgia for Paris. I wanted to meet Woosang in that city again.
If we returned, we could see the scenery that would naturally unfold in our familiar home. I smiled slightly, remembering our small house in the 7th arrondissement. I missed that place.
I couldn’t help but miss it.
***
When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar space. It was our old and small home in Brussels.
Woosang was sleeping next to me with his back turned. After staring at him for a moment, I pulled up the slipped blanket to cover him again, then got up first.
Having returned from Switzerland, we had fallen asleep without even unpacking our bags. We had slept all day. Looking now, I was still wearing the same sweater I had worn in Switzerland. It still felt like walking in a dream.
Outside, despite it being dawn, there were many people moving about. The distant bakery and market seemed to already have people coming and going. Thinking Woosang would be hungry when he woke up, I quietly went outside.
I looked around while feeling the strangely warm breeze. Though I hadn’t lived here for many months, this place with a higher temperature than Switzerland had already become familiar. Seeing this, staying in Brussels might not be so bad.
But that wasn’t possible. If we stayed here, it felt like neither of us would ever change.
We would be tied to one place, trembling in fear for a long time, and Woosang would also slowly bend and fester. I didn’t want such a life.
After walking for a while, I stood in front of our regular bakery, blankly looking inside. At that moment, the owner, who was attending to a customer, seemed to feel my gaze and looked at me.
“Good morning.”
“Yes, come in.”
“Please give me the usual, and um…”
“What? Do you need something else?”
The owner looked at me suspiciously while packaging what I had ordered. It was awkward, but I smiled forcefully and said:
“I think I’ll be leaving here soon. So… thank you for everything.”
“Ah, as expected.”
She muttered as if it was not surprising. And casually handed over the packaged food.
“Why do you say that?”
“No, I just felt it was coming. I’ve been expecting you to leave for quite some time.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I was sure when your friend arrived.”
How could she know such a thing? Did she have a different sense than me? There was a lot I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t find the words, so I kept my mouth shut.
“Come once more before you leave. We’ll talk again then.”
“I will.”
I greeted the owner, who took our parting so calmly, and walked away. Walking carefully, I turned back again to look at the bakery.
Somehow, it felt like facing an unexpected farewell. In this city, the owner was the one who worried about me the most and liked me. Yet that person was calmly understanding my departure.
I couldn’t help but freeze at that difficult reaction.
It seemed there were more forms of farewells and meetings in the world than I thought. Today must be the first time I encountered a farewell I hadn’t known. As I carefully climbed the stairs to our house, I sensed movement inside.
It seemed Woosang had woken up. Smiling at that sign, I opened the door.
“Are you up?”
“Yes. Did you go to the bakery?”
“Yes. And I also said goodbye, since we’re leaving.”
The rustling sound of the bag was unusually loud. I looked at Woosang, who had stopped in his place without moving. And I smiled awkwardly.
“Do you still find it strange that I get along with someone?”
“…I’m not sure.”
Seeing his uncomfortable expression, it seemed he didn’t like it. He could appear so mature at times, but at moments like this, he looked younger than anyone else.
Maybe that’s how he sees me too.
“Still, I don’t have much attachment to this place. I might miss it occasionally, but…”
“Then will you stay here after all?”
I slowly shook my head.
There was no reason to stay here anymore. What I truly wanted was right beside me, and everything I missed was all in another place.
Hund’s whereabouts were a concern, but I didn’t want to find him. I didn’t have the confidence to face his malice. Perhaps he was waiting for me to sink back into the mire.
Or he might have forgotten.
Now I had to go. I wanted to start anything together with Woosang in the ideal place I had in mind.
“What do you want to do most when we go to Paris?”
Woosang asked me.
“Well, I’m not sure yet. Will you think about it with me?”
He stared at me blankly and then nodded. It seemed like a pretty good start.
