# Chapter 40
[If it’s not something you have to break up over immediately, don’t think too hastily. Surprisingly many problems are resolved by time.]
I nodded with a slight smile at the man’s words. He grinned back at me and looked at my empty glass. It seemed like he was asking if I wanted another drink. I held out my empty glass and asked for one more. Somehow, the more beer I drank, the more this stifling feeling seemed to subside.
I had been someone who didn’t understand drinking, but today alone, I thought I understood why people drink.
I wanted to wash away this pain.
The staff member who quickly brought a new beer also placed a small chocolate beside it. I thanked him and unwrapped the chocolate, popping it into my mouth. The bitter taste from the beer in my mouth seemed to improve somewhat.
‘Will there ever come a day when my pain disappears like the bitterness in my mouth?’
Unable to be certain about such a subject, I lowered my head and just gulped down my beer.
***
After charging my phone with the staff’s help, I staggered out of the bar.
[I’ll be getting off work soon, would you like me to guide you?]
[No, it’s fine. Thank you, though.]
The staff member, seemingly concerned, gave me very detailed directions to the station. Thanks to that, I was able to board the train safely without stumbling.
Even though I had just been thinking heavily that I should cut ties with Woosang, I headed towards where he was.
I wondered if there might be any messages from Woosang, but disappointingly, there were no notifications at all. Feeling disappointed at the empty alerts, I blinked several more times to clear my still hazy vision.
Perhaps because of the alcohol, controlling my head as it swayed this way and that wasn’t easy. After many twists and turns, the hotel I finally arrived at was still bright with light and overflowing with warmth.
“Ugh, it’s cold…”
I had been too out of it to even think about the cold, but facing such bright light now, my body seemed to shiver involuntarily. Only then did I realize that my hands and feet were not just cold but frozen stiff.
As I passed the hotel’s front desk and took the elevator, it was crowded with people despite the late hour.
As we ascended, people got off at their respective floors, and eventually, I was left alone inside.
Somehow, this warm space felt chilly. I felt like I needed to see Woosang right away. It seemed as if everything cold would become warm once I met him.
Cautiously standing in front of the room, I just then remembered that Woosang had the key.
“What should I do…”
I knew I had to ring the bell. But my finger hovered in the air, afraid that the bell sound might wake him from sleep. No, he might be waiting for me.
‘What should I say when I see Woosang?’
Would he feel better than earlier? I desperately wanted to see Woosang right now, but what would he be feeling? Because of these various thoughts, I simply couldn’t press the bell.
Then it occurred to me that knocking on the door might be better than ringing the bell. I carefully knocked on the door.
Knock, knock.
I listened carefully to see if there was any movement inside. But there was no response, or perhaps I couldn’t hear it. Just in case, I knocked once more, but still there was no answer.
“Hmm…”
After staring at the unresponsive door, I leaned against it and slid down to crouch on the floor. I held my dizzy head due to the alcohol and bowed my head deeply.
I checked my phone alerts again, but it was still quiet. I felt spiteful, wondering if I was the only one on pins and needles like this. Although I felt full of frustration, I didn’t think Woosang would abandon me. He certainly wouldn’t discard me.
It’s certain that I won’t be abandoned.
As I was torturing my innocent fingertips for a while, I felt the door I was leaning against slightly lift.
“Oh.”
Making a stupid sound, I raised my buttocks, and the door began to open. Abruptly, I lay flat on the floor and looked up toward the door.
“Why are you like that? You should have called me.”
Woosang looked down at me with messy hair and a face that seemed to have just woken up.
Somehow, his expression made me feel depressed. I didn’t know why, but that was the only way I could explain it. I wanted to get up and hug Woosang, but I couldn’t because I felt like I smelled of alcohol.
“Were you sleeping? How did you know I was here?”
“I heard a presence.”
“I see. Go back to sleep quickly.”
“……”
Pushing Woosang’s back, I entered the room. He entered the room as I pushed him, without saying anything special. The room was already dark.
My heart stung, wondering if he had really been sleeping without waiting for me.
“Did you drink?”
“Yes. Well…”
He spoke to me. So he wasn’t disinterested in me after all. Out of spite, I mumbled vaguely while taking off my outer clothes.
“I think I need to wash up.”
Woosang seemed to be saying something from behind, but my head was spinning too much to turn around. I thought I should shower first and get rid of the alcohol smell. Then, maybe Woosang would show interest in me.
As I prepared to enter the bathroom and turned around, Woosang had already climbed onto the bed and was covered with the blanket.
Seeing that, a strange sense of absurdity and betrayal washed over my entire body. I had told him to sleep first, but he was really sleeping. I felt contradictory emotions. I wanted to wake him up right away, but I didn’t have the energy to say anything more right now.
Seeing Woosang, who truly didn’t show any interest in me, I wanted to shake his shoulders violently to wake him. I wanted to shout, asking if he hadn’t missed me.
Yet at the same time, I wanted to let it pass quietly.
***
After showering as quickly as possible, Woosang was still sleeping without the slightest movement. After washing every nook and cranny deliberately, I called out to him in an awkward voice.
“Woosang.”
“……”
“Are you asleep? I just finished showering…”
“……”
The shallow breathing sounds did not answer me. I felt somewhat disappointed, but it was something I had brought upon myself first.
After sighing deeply once, I changed my clothes and got into bed. Looking at Woosang, who was sleeping turned towards the wall, a peculiar feeling arose. I didn’t understand why my entire body ached and tingled when I looked at him. It was just painful and sad.
I wanted to ask my clumsy self for an answer, but I knew it was difficult. How much more time would we need between us? Perhaps because I was drunk, emotions suddenly poured out.
“Are you really asleep?”
I spoke to him in a subdued voice. Disliking his silence, I carefully approached and placed my arm on his shoulder. I quietly lowered my hand and rubbed the bandage on Woosang’s shoulder.
Woosang brushed it off as if it were nothing, but just seeing his wound made my whole body cold and painful, as if someone had stabbed me with a knife.
Perhaps I’m expecting too much from him. I knew it myself.
“…It’s too painful being with you.”
The words that came out were my feelings that I had only been guessing at. I hated myself for uttering them. Once spoken, the words couldn’t be taken back and only grew longer.
“Why did you come looking for me, just forget it.”
I don’t know if it was because of the alcohol or if courage surged from sadness, but these words were what I truly wanted to say. Water dripped from my hair that wasn’t completely dry. It seemed like the droplets flowing were tears from me rather than water from my hair.
My unorganized breathing kept tickling my throat. Unable to bear it, I hugged Woosang.
I couldn’t think about our future. When every moment is so painful like this, how could we possibly stay together even 5 or 10 years later? It’s an impossible story.
Nevertheless, we were here.
As I shifted my body, my fingertips accidentally brushed against Woosang’s face. I was worried that he might wake up, but there wasn’t much reaction. However, seeing him flinch slightly, I whispered softly.
“I’m sorry. Go to sleep. I won’t bother you.”
After pulling the blanket that had fallen up to his chin, I turned around and closed my eyes. It wasn’t that I was trying to avoid him. But it felt like we sometimes needed some space.
Yes, a certain amount of space. That’s what we needed.
***
When I opened my eyes in the morning, I saw Woosang who was already awake. I forcibly rubbed my eyes that wouldn’t open and looked around.
‘That’s right, I drank alcohol at night and came back to sleep together. That’s what happened.’
My head hurt strangely, making it difficult to come to my senses.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Did you drink a lot yesterday?”
“What?”
“You smell strongly of alcohol.”
“Yes, a bit…”
How much did I drink? I think I had about 3 glasses of beer. Usually, I would get dizzy after just one glass, but I couldn’t remember why I drank 3 glasses yesterday. It seemed like I had forgotten that I even drank because the night air was so cold.
Woosang sighed deeply and handed me hot water. I carefully took the cup and moistened my throat. I’m not sure if it was effective, but I definitely felt more alert.
“Since we don’t have any urgent schedule anyway, take your time getting ready.”
Today was supposed to be the day we went skiing, but I was worried about whether I could ski in this mental state. Seeming to know this, Woosang looked at me intently and said,
“I think skiing today would be too much, so let’s just walk around.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. It’s not something to be sorry about.”
I glanced at Woosang as I gathered my clothes and went into the bathroom. In the mirror, there stood one tired-looking man. I definitely should never drink alcohol again. After washing up appropriately, I changed my clothes.
I sighed with relief at the appearance that looked better than before. Today, I wanted to end the day pleasantly without disappointing Woosang. We couldn’t spend the rest of our itinerary in a gloomy way.
When I came out of the bathroom, Woosang glanced at me and handed me the outerwear that had been hung up.
Coming outside and looking around, the sunlight reflected off the snow poured onto us all at once. Yesterday’s unhappiness seemed to have disappeared somewhere.
As I watched Woosang walking ahead, I casually grabbed his hand, but Woosang pulled his hand back as if startled.
“…Ah.”
“……”
Woosang looked at me with a strange expression and then silently strode forward again.
As I stood still in shock for a while, Woosang looked at me and stopped, waiting. Somehow, my heart beat fiercely as if I, as a person, had been rejected.
‘This is the worst…’
Who would have thought that the determination to make this a good trip would break in just one day, and such an awkward atmosphere would prevail from the second day?
I should have stayed home as he said. The world is just confusing.
The traveling tourists passing by, smiling, seemed distinctly different from us. Somehow, my eyes seemed to sting. The wind was too cold, and Woosang was even harsher than that.
After walking silently for a while, we finally stopped in front of a store. Woosang silently gestured with his chin towards the door. It seemed like a signal for me to enter first.
No matter how angry he was, what was with that attitude? At his annoyingly calm expression, I could only laugh bitterly now.
