***
Monday morning, the moment I opened my eyes, I felt something strange.
I absentmindedly tried to rub my eyes with my hand and stopped.
My eyes hurt. Not terribly, but they felt dry and stinging. They prickled as if grains of sand had gotten in them. It was a clear and unpleasant pain.
“……”
Strangely enough, my eyes had been fine since I entered university, but was it because I cried last night? It seemed the symptoms had returned after crying so much.
I tried to cover up my fate as much as possible and enjoy life, but it seemed I would meet my death soon anyway.
Yeah, I did well to change my mindset instead.
When I looked in the mirror, the area around my eyes was swollen red. My face also looked like my cheeks had become hollow overnight, though I didn’t know when I had lost so much weight.
“……Well, it doesn’t matter.”
It’s all over now anyway. I’ve given up on hyung-nim too.
I was a new person now. Once I made up my mind like that, somehow the world looked different on my way to school.
The campus, which would soon greet early summer, was bathed in dazzling sunlight. The trees on campus were dyed green with fresh foliage, and students gathered in small groups on the lawn, laughing and talking.
The flowers were also in full bloom. Past the pink azaleas and yellow forsythia, now white magnolias fluttered in the wind.
It was a season full of vitality for everyone.
But to my eyes, all of it seemed to have lost its color.
It was clearly spring now, but perhaps because my heart was in winter, all the scenery felt cold.
The sunlight was warm, but the moment it touched my skin, it cooled down coldly. People’s laughter sounded like distant noise.
When I opened the lecture hall door and entered, the eyes of the kids inside all focused on me at once.
“Oh, did Hajin lose weight?”
“Hi.”
I nonchalantly dragged my bag in and sat in the corner seat where I always sat.
As I opened my desk to take out my notebook, the classmates in the seats in front turned around and spoke to me.
“Doesn’t Hajin’s atmosphere seem a bit different today? He’s gotten colder somehow.”
“Right? He used to look softer.”
“He became a cold handsome guy, a cold handsome guy.”
Normally I would have been flustered and said that couldn’t be, but knowing the reason, I didn’t react at all. Now that my heart had changed, it seemed to show in my appearance too.
I could feel even kids who weren’t usually interested in me glancing at me. I could feel the gazes from Lee Gyeongho’s group too, but I didn’t really care.
I felt like I knew without looking in the mirror.
My eyes were red, I’d lost some weight, and my expression was different from before. My classmates probably found this version of me strange.
After putting down my bag, I went out of the lecture hall. I thought I’d drink some water before class started. Normally I would have eaten something sweet, but I skipped breakfast this morning too, and instead wanted to swallow something bitter.
And that’s when I was standing near the vending machine.
“Ah!”
Someone hit my shoulder hard as they passed. It was strong enough that I could be certain it was absolutely not a mistake but quite intentional.
Pain arose in my shoulder that had hit the wall. I rubbed my throbbing shoulder and looked at the other person.
I had my suspicions, and sure enough, it was Lee Gyeongho.
Normally I would have ignored it and moved on. I’m the type of person who absolutely doesn’t want to get into fights.
But today was different. I grabbed Lee Gyeongho who was trying to just pass by.
“Wh-what.”
He seemed not to have expected this reaction from me either. I looked straight at Lee Gyeongho.
“Lee Gyeongho, how long are you going to keep doing this?”
“What? Doing what.”
Lee Gyeongho looked at me with a still flustered expression.
“The first semester is almost over soon, so how long are you going to keep this up?”
“Fuck, what are you saying right now?”
The hallway went quiet at the sudden harsh language. People around us started looking at us.
“You’re doing this because you’re embarrassed, right?”
“What?”
Wrinkles formed on Lee Gyeongho’s forehead. At the same time, I saw both his eyes waver.
“Cursing at me and making a scene whenever you see me, acting like you got dumped because of me—aren’t you embarrassed?”
The usual me would never do something like this. When we could get along peacefully, when I could just endure it alone and let it pass quietly.
But I didn’t want to do that anymore. I didn’t want to remain with a nice and gentle image even to a guy like this.
Anyway, I was someone who would disappear from this school soon.
“But even if you take your anger out on me in front of people, the fact that you got rejected by Han Seoyoung won’t change anyway.”
I caught my breath for a moment. My heart was beating noisily at this situation I was experiencing for the first time. But my voice came out calmly enough to surprise even myself.
“I’m really glad a smart kid like Seoyoung didn’t date a pathetic guy like you. That’s probably why she didn’t date you in the first place.”
In an instant, the air in the hallway froze. Even the murmuring sounds around us stopped.
“This bastard right now……”
As if provoked by my words, Lee Gyeongho’s voice cracked low.
That guy clenched his fist and took one step, then another step closer. A breathless tension filled the hallway.
I didn’t step back even one step. The usual me could never have done this. The moment I felt his hostility, I would have run away.
But today was different. I put strength in both eyes and faced Lee Gyeongho directly.
I could see Lee Gyeongho’s fist trembling slightly. It looked like it would fly at me at any moment, but strangely I wasn’t afraid.
If you’re going to hit me, hurry up and hit me. It was the moment I slightly lifted my chin while thinking that.
“Hajin-ah—!”
A familiar voice echoed through the hallway.
When I shifted my gaze, Han Seoyoung and Choi Jihwan were approaching with quick steps from the far end of the hallway.
I looked that way for a moment, then stared at Lee Gyeongho again.
Lee Gyeongho also only then started to become conscious of his surroundings. The people gathered in the hallway, the gazes watching while holding their breath.
His face turned red as if he too belatedly realized his mistake. The fist he had clenched slowly unclenched.
Only Lee Gyeongho’s glare at me remained sharp as before. It wouldn’t be strange if he rushed at me and threw a punch at any moment.
Around the time Han Seoyoung and Choi Jihwan’s urgent footsteps drew closer, Lee Gyeongho clicked his tongue and started walking again.
And he passed by me.
Thud.
Our shoulders touched, but it was different from the force earlier. It was about enough strength to maintain his pride at the last moment, I suppose.
When I turned my head, Lee Gyeongho’s back disappeared to the end of the hallway. Only then did I quietly exhale the breath I had been holding.
The two people who approached me asked with surprised faces.
“Lee Hajin, are you okay? What happened?”
“What did he say?”
When the tension released, it felt like the strength drained from my legs. My hands also trembled slightly. I silently shook my head at the two people asking in surprise.
“Why does that bastard keep picking fights with Hajin? Ah, I’m really pissed off.”
“It’s okay. It wasn’t a big deal.”
After reassuring the two of them, the three of us went to get water from the vending machine. I could feel curious gazes, but I ignored them and walked down the hallway.
I was quite tense too, it seems. My hands were still trembling. Still, when I held the cold water bottle I got from the vending machine in my hand, it calmed down a bit.
“I don’t know why he keeps doing that to you when you’re not even involved, I’m going crazy. I’m thinking of just openly telling him off.”
“No, Seoyoung-ah. I’m really okay.”
“I feel so sorry that I……”
Actually, this wasn’t the first time I’d experienced something like this. I calmly shook my head.
Whether it was because of my appearance that looked easy to mess with, I had often gotten caught up in things like this since before. While I was often doted on by adults, I especially became prey among peers my age.
When I got unjustly caught up in fights, it was Jeongyeon who would stand up for me, saying it wasn’t my fault. Yoo Jeongyeon would sometimes scold me out of frustration.
“It’s because your eyes look too gentle, walk around with some strength in them!”
A memory from long ago suddenly came to mind. After hearing that, the two of us practiced putting strength in our eyes and acting tough for quite a while. In the end, Jeongwoo hyung-nim caught us in that state, and that night I couldn’t sleep because I was kicking my blanket so hard.
Like some of the kids who bullied me in middle school and high school, Lee Gyeongho also needed some scapegoat to restore his crushed pride from the beginning of the semester. I became that target because I looked easy……
“I’m really okay, so don’t worry about it, both of you. But I don’t think he’ll do it anymore.”
“Really?”
Because I decided not to run away anymore. I must have sent Lee Gyeongho packing, so this kind of thing won’t happen again.
“Well, that bastard has been doing that for over a month already……”
“This time is different.”
“Hm? Really?”
“Yeah, I gave him a sharp piece of my mind earlier.”
I said confidently and put strength in my eyes, recalling Jeongyeon’s words.
“Ooh, what’s with that look?”
“Ooooh.”
Then Han Seoyoung and Choi Jihwan’s eyes widened.
“Hajin-ah, you knew how to make eyes like that?”
“Yeah, you see it? I talked while looking like this. I told him to stop now. Then he left without saying anything.”
“That’s no joke.”
Right? I can not hold back too. I looked at the two people alternately while maintaining my gaze as if to show them.
“Wow, I didn’t know. Looking at you like this, Hajin has a lot of charisma.”
“I shouldn’t mess around.”
Are they being serious? When I asked in surprise, both of them nodded at the same time.
“Really? I have charisma?”
“Yeah, it’s crazy. It’s like your eyes are on fire.”
It was somewhat fascinating. My resolution to change was showing like this.
