“These days my day starts from when I go to see you.”
“……”
“I only wait for that time. Only the time when I go to meet you.”
Jeonghan’s eyes grew moist. Those watery eyes looked at me without avoiding me. Of all the times I’d seen Jeonghan, this was the most… serious face. Sincerity. I faced the sincerity contained in every word he voiced.
“You’re right. My heart is empty. It’s never once been full. I didn’t know what it meant for the heart to be full. But…”
“……”
“You were always there. Because you, Yuhyeon, were there, I didn’t even know I was lonely.”
“……”
“You’re the one who let me live.”
“……”
“It’s something you’ve heard from me sickeningly often, right? ‘I can’t do without you.’ ‘I just need you.’ ‘How would I live without you?’ They’re all the same words. I spent 13 years hearing those words every day, so it’s natural you’d think of them as just my habit no matter what I say. It’s natural you’d be confused and hurt when I say the same things I said when we were friends but only my actions have moved beyond friends. I… stupidly just realized this now.”
Our gazes didn’t stray even a bit. Jeonghan looked into my eyes and calmly voiced one by one the things he must have thought about in this cold.
“Because I liked being with you, Yuhyeon… because I liked it so much I was out of my mind, but from your perspective… this is a bit awkward to say, but it probably looked like I was crazy about your body and rushing at you.”
“……”
“I can’t say I won’t do that anymore. Because that would be a lie. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you, sleep with you.”
“……”
“I want to… be with you.”
“……”
“Because it’s you.”
“……”
“Because it’s Ji Yuhyeon. If it’s not you, it has no meaning.”
I couldn’t understand what I was hearing. The words were so dream-like that everywhere my tears fell stung. Jeonghan lifted my hand he was holding and brought it inside his coat. Even in this cold, I could feel his warm heart beating. As my hand touched it, his heart began to beat very fast.
“I tremble like this when I see you too.”
“……”
“I like you.”
The whole world stopped, and I stopped too. Only Jeonghan’s heart beat hard as if its pounding could be heard. I like you. Jeonghan told me he liked me.
“It’s my first time. Saying I like someone.”
“……”
“I’ve never once wanted to say it. I’ve never been excited, never trembled. People all seemed like wooden blocks. I’m the same. To my eyes, only you… were the only one alive and moving.”
“…Jeonghan-ah.”
“When I moved following you, I felt like I was alive too. That’s why I looked for you like that. It’s the same now. I’ve never confessed before… but I can’t bear not doing it.”
Jeonghan, who closed his eyes deeply and opened them, met my eyes again. I couldn’t breathe properly, and my heart repeatedly tightened painfully and then released.
“I dream of you.”
“……”
“I want to… love you.”
Love. I faced the love that Jeonghan voiced. Jeonghan’s love, which was far more thrilling and heart-fluttering than I’d dared imagine… was directed at me.
“I don’t want anyone but you. Even if I say this, you probably still can’t trust it, but I’ll make you able to trust me. So you’ll know I’m sincere, so you won’t be anxious, I’ll do well. It’s natural you don’t believe me since I’ve shown you things until now. I’ll make up for everything.”
“……”
“So… Yuhyeon-ah.”
“……”
“Don’t abandon me.”
I had to answer, I had to tell Jeonghan everything too, but only tears welled up. I barely spread my arms and hugged Jeonghan who was frozen solid. I wanted to give him all my body heat.
“Why would I… why would I abandon you…”
A pathetically tearful voice flowed out. Jeonghan embraced me fully with both arms as if embracing my answer. I wanted to warm him up, but Jeonghan was warming me up more. Only then did I realize. That it wasn’t only me struggling, only me feeling unfamiliar.
I only now realized that like the day I first faced this emotion, Jeonghan must have been unfamiliar and anxious too. Just as I’d agonized for a long time and couldn’t be comfortable, Jeonghan must have agonized over this unfamiliar love too. I hadn’t considered that Jeonghan, who found it difficult because it was his first time and was more careful because it was me, struggled. Because my emotions were too big and heavy, because just bearing them was hard, I thought lightly of Jeonghan’s heart and actions. Just because they didn’t seem as heavy as mine.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Jeonghan-ah…”
“Say something other than that.”
“……”
“I want to hear it from you again.”
“……”
“…The words that you love me.”
That wasn’t a difficult thing at all. Because it’s an emotion that dominates every moment for me. Voicing those words that are like breath to the ruler of my emotions was a trembling, thrilling thing, not a difficult thing. So I voiced my confession into the ear of Jeonghan, who held me fully, so he could hear well.
“…I love you.”
Those words I thought I could never voice again, my… this moment.
I brought Jeonghan into the room inside the cafe and wrapped the blanket completely around him. Then I reheated the tea water I’d boiled to drink and brought in a large cup filled with warm tea. Jeonghan, who’d been huddling under the blanket feeling cold, quickly straightened up and pretended to be fine when I entered. I didn’t bother to mention what I’d seen.
“Drink this. I raised the room temperature to the highest too, so you’ll warm up soon.”
“Thank you.”
Jeonghan held the mug with both hands, blew on it slightly, and took a sip. Seeing his face that had become pale beyond white from freezing, I kept sighing from feeling upset. I pulled a chair to the front of the bed and sat down. Jeonghan looked at me and tilted his head slightly.
“Not there… come up here. The bed is nice and narrow.”
“Nice and narrow?”
“Since it’s narrow, we’ll have to sleep close together, right? It doesn’t seem like there’s anywhere else to sleep.”
“I can sleep on the floor…”
“What floor when there’s no blanket? Hurry and come here. Come and hug me.”
“…How can you say things like that…”
“Hug me. Warmly. Hm? Yuhyeon-ah.”
Seeing his grinning face, I couldn’t refuse. And honestly, everything Jeonghan said was right. In this room, there was no space to sleep except the bed, and even if I slept on the floor, it was impossible because there was no spare blanket. I hesitated for a moment, then stood up and just sat on the edge next to Jeonghan. Jeonghan put the mug on the desk and quickly opened the blanket wrapping his body and pulled me in. I was instantly pulled inside.
“Just you coming in makes it warm.”
“……”
I turned my body and hugged Jeonghan. Facing each other and hugging would be best, but I couldn’t do that while sitting. To hug Jeonghan face-to-face right now, I’d have to climb up and sit on Jeonghan’s thighs, which was honestly ridiculous, so I awkwardly hugged him slightly from the side.
“What’s that uncomfortable thing?”
“…You asked me to hug you.”
Jeonghan grinned and tapped his thigh with his palm. It wasn’t hard to understand that meant to come up there.
“…Want me to leave again?”
“That’s too much. If you’re going to hug me, you should hug me properly.”
“Don’t say ridiculous things… hurry and sleep. Clothes to change… Ah!”
Although my clothes would be a bit small for Jeonghan, they were the only clothes to change into so I tried to give him even those, but as I stood up my body suddenly tilted forward. Startled, I squeezed my eyes shut, then when my body stopped moving I opened them slightly to see Jeonghan smiling. Only then did I realize I was lying on the bed facing him.
“Where are you going? Don’t go anywhere.”
“……”
“I’m still cold.”
The eyes meeting mine, those eyes looking at me were so pretty that I stared for a long time. Jeonghan looked at me this way and that like an anxious person, as if he was uneasy that I wasn’t saying anything and was just looking quietly.
“…Did I do something wrong again?”
“Hm?”
“Why aren’t you saying anything… making me anxious.”
“…Because you’re pretty.”
At my answer, Jeonghan, who stared blankly for a moment, soon grinned and pressed his body close. The moment our bodies fully touched on the narrow bed, heat formed at my fingertips.
“Then you should cherish me.”
