This time I was the first to say “wait” when I didn’t know how long it would last. Cha Jeonghan looked at me with eyes that seemed impatient.
I was tormented by the thought that our final label would become not friends or lovers but partners who only had sex. Cha Jeonghan was clearly addicted to sensations that heated up all too easily. I wondered if I should be glad he wanted something like this from me, then gave up.
“Why.”
Cha Jeonghan gripped my chin again and brought his face close. The sunken mood, discomfort, and unfamiliar emotions toward Cha Jeonghan all raised their heads simultaneously. If I kept being led only by sensation for a month, I felt like I too would end up clinging to not wanting to let go of even that warmth, just Cha Jeonghan’s warmth.
“What else do you want to do with me?”
“Kiss.”
I grabbed the shoulders of Cha Jeonghan who had lightly kissed my lips and sat him properly in the chair. Cha Jeonghan looked at me with a curious face as if asking what was wrong.
“You want to sleep with me, kiss me… and?”
“I want to hold your hand too, and be with you. I want to go on trips, and on days off I want to laze around doing nothing with you like before. Then eat together, watch movies together, and when we’re sleepy sleep together…. There’s a lot I want to do. How can I say it all. But why are you suddenly asking that?”
“…I was wondering whether I should say this after a month passes, but I think saying it now is right.”
“Why are you being scary.”
Cha Jeonghan gently squeezed my hand on the table as if soothing me. I looked at that hand then raised my head.
“These days you kiss before greeting.”
“……”
“You often say you wanted to touch me, and you say a lot that you like touching me so much. So these days we spend more time just touching like that than talking. Yesterday too.”
“……”
“Sex… I’m not saying I didn’t like it. There’s no way I wouldn’t. It was good. It was good but I’m a bit scared. After a month we’ll just not say anything to each other… and I’m scared we’ll just keep having sex. I keep thinking that.”
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“…It feels like you’re looking for me because you’re lonely. Like you’re empty without me and it’s hard to bear.”
I worried about what I’d do if like last time he heard my words and realized a fact he didn’t know about himself and had a shocked face, but fortunately it didn’t seem like that.
“Because I’m lonely…. I need you.”
“……”
“…Every time we touch, kiss… have sex, you’re not lonely.”
“……”
“I like doing it with you too. I like it all but… if we keep doing this, if I keep thinking just today, just today… I feel like after a month we’ll have become a relationship we’ve never even thought about.”
“Sex partners?”
Hearing from Cha Jeonghan’s voice the words I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud made my head a mess. When thoughts collapsed in my messed-up head, it was only natural that my heart followed and crumbled down.
“Honestly, the one month is just a reprieve for us.”
“……”
“I bought time. I held onto you who were trying to end it and barely obtained this one month.”
“……”
“Time is passing even now, and I’m scared of the end of that time too. During this month, how much can I show you, how much can I do with you—when I think about that, even sleeping feels like a waste.”
“……”
“Yeah, I want to sleep with you. The first time was good too, and yesterday was so good my eyes rolled back. I kept thinking about it all day. You clinging to me, touching you…. I like kissing you too. Yeah, I kiss before greeting. I can’t help it because I feel like I’ll go crazy from wanting to.”
Whether the shock of the words “sex partners” was big, honestly Cha Jeonghan’s words didn’t sound kind. It only sounded like he wanted to have sex as much as possible during the barely obtained one month.
“Do you know how crazy I am about you?”
“……”
“Even while looking at you scared we’ll become sex partners, I want to kiss you.”
“…You really won’t do.”
I grabbed Cha Jeonghan and pulled him up. Even though it wasn’t great strength, Cha Jeonghan obediently let me grab him, stood up, and was dragged to the door. I pulled back the blind and opened the door. Outside, snow was still fluttering.
“…Go. It’s better we really don’t see each other.”
I watched Cha Jeonghan go outside, then closed the door and lowered the blind again. My uncomfortable head burned and perhaps because I’d suddenly moved my body, it ached all over. I organized the chairs where we’d been sitting, turned off all the lights, then went into the room.
I thought I’d want to cry but no tears came. I just thought this was the most likely outcome from the start. Perhaps I had known. From the moment I first told Cha Jeonghan to sleep with me and Cha Jeonghan agreed to my words, thinking it could only flow this way made my heart feel more at ease.
Cha Jeonghan said it had to be me, but without me, someone else would eventually be able to fill his lonely heart. From the moment I voiced my love, I couldn’t become either friends or lovers. Knowing it, knowing it all, I couldn’t shake off Cha Jeonghan, I couldn’t let go of his touch saying he couldn’t be without me, so I’d come this far. It wasn’t Cha Jeonghan’s fault but all my fault.
“……”
Sex partners. Just thinking about it versus actually hearing it was really so different. I kept recalling those words Cha Jeonghan had spoken so precisely.
The one month, that time of postponing the decision as Cha Jeonghan said, I too couldn’t shake off. Even while thinking I should end it with him, it was because the word “end” was too heavy and sharp.
‘Time is passing even now, and I’m scared of the end of that time too.’
As Cha Jeonghan said, even at this moment time was passing. That time that was so precious because we could be together, and so nerve-wracking because it was heading toward the end.
Even though I’d sent Cha Jeonghan away so twisted like that, I should be comfortable but I couldn’t be comfortable at all. Sitting was uncomfortable, standing was uncomfortable. Even when I opened a book to read, not a single line entered my eyes. That mind control book was definitely bought for nothing.
“……”
Did he call a taxi when there weren’t any cars? I was worried now whether I’d kicked him out with no preparation at all when it was even snowing. I usually had a personality that didn’t regret things once I’d done them, but today I regretted it a bit. Because I knew all too well that Cha Jeonghan was weak to cold.
If we didn’t know each other well, there would be fewer worries, but we knew each other all too well. So, because I knew Cha Jeonghan too well, it was harder to accept his changing behavior. Because the familiar image of Cha Jeonghan still remained vividly before me.
I was spacing out with a throbbing head when I thought I shouldn’t be doing this and got up from my seat. I went back to the kitchen, turned on one small light, and put water on to boil.
“……”
While the water boiled, I checked my phone I’d left on the counter and brought in. In that short time, what I learned was that it was still snowing and that an hour had passed since I’d sent Cha Jeonghan away like that.
Just what kind of snow is this to fall all day long? Curious and feeling stuffy, I went to the door and pulled up the blinds halfway. I could really see the snow fluttering outside the door. And…
“……”
I saw a figure leaning against the door.
“……”
A figure I knew. My Cha Jeonghan.
“……”
“……”
Perhaps sensing the blinds going up, Jeonghan turned around. Unable to leave Jeonghan alone in the cold any longer, I quickly opened the door and went outside.
“Why are you out here in the cold?”
Looking at Jeonghan who’d been out in this cold for an hour but was worried about me being cold when I’d just come out, I really couldn’t stand it.
“…You really, really… why are you doing this to me… Jeonghan-ah. Why are you really doing this… Why are you worried about me right now? Why aren’t you leaving and staying here like this…”
“Because it’s unfair.”
“……”
“Even if I leave, I wanted to clear up your misunderstanding before I go.”
“Then ask me to open the door. Why are you here like this?”
“I needed to organize my thoughts. I had so many thoughts I didn’t even realize it was cold. So don’t cry.”
Jeonghan’s hand grasping mine was so, so cold. My hand was warm but Jeonghan’s hand was cold, and my heart hurt so much. I felt so upset I thought I’d die.
“I kept thinking and thinking again. Whether I’m doing this because I want to sleep with you. Whether after sleeping with you it felt mind-blowingly good so I’m mistaking it for romantic feelings alone and scheming to sleep with you one more time… I thought about that, and like you said, whether I’m doing this because I’ve been lonely for so long, because I’m empty inside and need you out of habit… I thought about that too.”
“……”
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“……”
