Why don’t people become numb this easily? The queasy feeling seemed to be buried in a muddy pit. Bernard only looked at the dim beyond. He was disgusted with himself for being swayed by this one grain of kindness given at most. Even if he caught a glimpse of this man’s sincerity, it wasn’t particularly joyful. It should have been that way.
“Please don’t do that.”
Even at the murmur as if reminding himself, Rubens had no reaction. He thought blame would come back saying it was an impudent sound, but he was quiet. However, because that felt like the calm before a storm, Bernard only swallowed dry saliva in tension.
“Is that so.”
“…”
“Let’s go. We can’t stand here forever.”
It was a dry answer. The smell was bitterly pungent as if the cigarette smoke hadn’t completely disappeared yet. Everything that happened here was surreal. Bernard raised his gaze to examine Rubens’s face once more. His face felt very unfamiliar. At that moment, Rubens was looking down at Bernard with a face he felt he would never see in his lifetime.
“What about Elliot?”
“He’s inside.”
He could only repeat the same words like an echo. This time Rubens returned an answer without difficulty. Bernard urgently followed behind him. When they entered the party hall again, people stuck to them from here and there. Elliot, mixed among people and smiling warmly, seemed to have discovered the two and quickly approached, pulling his lover’s arm into an embrace.
“Why did you get air for so long?”
“I’m sorry. I was smoking a bit.”
“I told you to quit smoking.”
“That’s a bit difficult.”
Rubens, who smiled faintly, acted as if he had forgotten Bernard. Bernard stood there blankly looking at the two. Even when other people mischievously teased asking what the two had done outside, Rubens patted Bernard’s shoulder a few times saying they had just talked briefly. It was a different attitude from before. At the excessively caring attitude, the surrounding people also cleanly raised both hands.
“Did something happen, Bernard?”
“Ben came.”
“Ben? Here? Why?”
Elliot had an expression of not understanding. So it was a lie that he had arranged to accompany Elliot after all. Bernard’s face became calmer. Come to think of it, this kind of thing had happened often. How many times had the other person misunderstood Elliot’s intentions and committed acts close to delusion? Stalkers had occurred that way, and people around him had struggled to cut them off every time.
“It’s nothing. Ben must have been mistaken.”
“Where’s Ben?”
“He left. I guess he remembered some business.”
“It would have been nice to greet him. Did you see him too, Rubens? I should have gone out together.”
Bernard looked into his brother’s face, which was quite regretful, then swept up the fallen bangs for him. Perhaps too much time had been spent on the meeting with Orland, the hair setting that would have been carefully done in the morning was a bit loose. Surrounding gazes stuck to the two’s intimate attitude, but no one openly sneered. It was because Rubens was standing firmly between them.
“He was at the front gate but I didn’t see him. Where did he enter?”
“He came in through the back gate. To surprise people.”
“Not knowing that, I waited at the front gate…”
At Bernard’s murmur, Elliot laughed shallowly. He must think he surprised his brother too. Color finally returned to Bernard’s face, which had been drained of blood the whole time. It was a change that occurred from the relief that if he came through the back gate, he wouldn’t have witnessed what happened near the garden.
“Bernard. Really, nothing happened, right?”
“Of course. What could happen to me?”
“If you need help, tell me. You know that, right?”
“…Yeah.”
“I’ll help with anything. You can ask for help. Because friends will help together…”
“Yeah, thanks. Thank you, Elliot.”
It was a seemingly rambling answer. Worry flashed across Elliot’s face, but Bernard couldn’t quite correct it properly. Elliot’s friends would help? They had never once helped Bernard. Unless they buried him in the mud and sneered at him.
Only Elliot, not knowing that truth, always believed that his friends would truly be there for Bernard. Thanks to such well-intentioned kindness without malice, Bernard had suffered humiliation several times, but it was all in the past anyway.
Elliot had always tried in his own way for Bernard, and Bernard tried every time not to misconstrue his kind brother’s goodwill. In reality, Elliot was rather lacking in tact, so it couldn’t be helped.
“Ah, Rubens. I lost my business card. Can’t you give me a new one?”
“What business card?”
“You know, the white business card. I was keeping it preciously.”
As if hearing it for the first time, Rubens’s eyes drooped slightly. He seemed to be searching his memory, but it was actually Bernard who recalled the existence of the business card. Bernard himself had lost his business card before. The memory of putting the business card he received when he encountered Rubens at the university carefully in his wallet and carrying it around, then losing it at some point and blaming himself for being too careless wasn’t that long ago.
“You don’t remember giving it to me before?”
Elliot, who quickly became sulky, shook Rubens’s arm lightly left and right as if throwing a tantrum. But Bernard read a subtle sense of discord in Rubens’s expression. He looked like someone who had never given it, but no one in the hall seemed to properly read that expression. Rubens turned to Bernard and asked.
“What about you?”
“Me?”
“Do you have the business card I gave you?”
“Uh… no. I lost it.”
The question was subtle. Elliot was whining that he had lost his business card, but he was actually asking Bernard, the younger brother, about the whereabouts of the business card, so the surrounding gazes sharpened. It was a gaze malicious enough to misunderstand that he stole Elliot’s belongings if Bernard had answered that he had it. This kind of prejudice was familiar. Bernard deliberately brushed his collar to release the tension trying to stiffen.
“How careless.”
“What, did you two become close? More than with me?”
Elliot, who couldn’t stand that atmosphere, quickly intervened. It was a natural interference. Elliot smiled brightly as he wedged between Bernard and Rubens, but Bernard somehow felt empty. Become close? The relationship between the two wasn’t something that could be defined so easily.
“You weren’t supposed to meet Mr. Orland. Did you two have fun?”
“You’re jealous over trivial things.”
“I was always like that. Don’t forget. I have to be first for both of you.”
Perhaps considering it cute aegyo, light laughter leaked from around them. There was also criticism that it wasn’t mature, but when Elliot said “I’m sorry. I was too greedy” with his face faintly flushed, sighs followed in succession. Social people knew well how to grasp the center of a group and respond. Only Bernard was set apart. Somehow Elliot felt very unfamiliar.
“Don’t lose it this time.”
A new business card was given to the brothers. The white, thick square business card was no different from before. Since it was a difficult situation to refuse, when he silently pushed the business card into his wallet, Elliot’s gaze followed for a moment but soon dispersed.
“Even though you’ll give me a new one if I lose it.”
At that whining, Rubens smiled with a face that was neither denial nor affirmation. It was like playing house. Following that, the two talked about things only they knew, and people around them added a few words here and there. The process of Elliot taking the initiative to talk when he saw someone who wanted to join the conversation and the other person rejoicing and offering praise was ideal.
As expected, Elliot looked accustomed to mixing among people and leading the atmosphere. Bernard realized anew how unsightly he must have looked at the party he attended in place of his brother. As expected, things like being a substitute didn’t suit him.
And Elliot definitely suited being by Rubens’s side. The two were a perfect pair as if drawn, and watching everyone congratulate the two’s romance, a bitter smile rose for no reason. This was the right appearance.
Rubens’s words not to give up would be a momentary whim, so he should pour out all his remaining heart. And his role would probably be to warm the bed a few times appropriately, then watch for an opportunity and exit forever. The room that man showed earlier would truly be a momentary whim.
“What are you thinking about again?”
As he was immersed in self-deprecating thoughts, a familiar voice grabbed Bernard. The weight touching his shoulder was familiar. Bernard stiffened rigidly and couldn’t turn around. The hand embracing his waist, the body temperature that touched, and even the outline of the chin placed on his head were all vivid. It felt like his whole body’s senses were standing on edge.
From here and there came words asking why he was so late and jeers saying they missed him. However, the man who occupied Bernard’s back didn’t know how to leave that spot.
“Sorry, I was too late.”
“…Rhino?”
“I came wearing that tie pin you hate again today. Don’t pay attention to other things and hurry up and scold me.”
A sweet laugh was soaked in his voice. When Bernard unconsciously dropped his tense shoulders, the body embracing him without gaps was solid. Rhino’s gaze swept up as if licking Bernard’s ear and looked at those standing before him.
Elliot with his eyes wide open and Rubens occupying his side. Blue eyes that seemed somehow greatly dissatisfied were staring straight at Rhino.
