“I’ll go back and… say nothing to Elliot and stay quiet as a mouse.”
“Quiet as a mouse?”
“Yes, yes. Really. Really.”
Bernard spoke hurriedly, but Rubens didn’t affirm. He only covered and gripped Bernard’s hand that was clutching the door handle. He pressed down on Bernard with his weight. Bernard, caught between the door and Rubens, gasped for breath.
“There’s no one who will listen to your words anyway.”
“Ah…….”
“So go ahead and babble.”
Bernard felt the skin touching his back trembling finely. The man was laughing. Rubens slowly licked Bernard, crushed beneath him, with his gaze. The corners of his eyes folded.
“No, that’s not it. Haven’t you thought that if you alone stayed quiet, everything could be perfect?”
“……Elliot.”
“Stop talking about Elliot. You want this too.”
Rubens was curious. Why did looking at such a pathetic person whet his appetite? He had always enjoyed things perfectly packaged and paid no great attention to worthless vermin. However, now he was interested in Bernard’s appearance, acting like prey before a predator. A persistent gaze touched Bernard’s bitten lips and then fell away.
“N… no.”
It sounded like a moan. The hand overlapping Bernard’s hand pulled the door handle inward with force. Eventually, just like that, the door closed.
“Let’s talk again. I want you to become Elliot’s substitute.”
“…….”
“It’s enough if you just fill the bed. Don’t worry, I’ll pay an appropriate price.”
The blood drained from Bernard’s face. He stood vacantly in front of the sofa. It was because Rubens hadn’t permitted him to sit. Rubens spoke in a sneering tone.
“You said you love Elliot.”
“……That and this are different.”
“What’s different? I’m giving you a chance to share what your brother can’t handle.”
“Elliot… wouldn’t want such deception.”
“Deception, you say. It would be a sacrifice of brotherly affection.”
There was even a strange pleasure in Rubens’ voice. At the sadistic voice, Bernard pressed his thighs together again.
“Elliot says you cherish him.”
Those were words like magic. Bernard’s eyes blinked twice. Eventually, a single tear he couldn’t hold back flowed down his cheek.
“Bernard Weil, you need to take good care of Elliot.”
“It’s your responsibility! You should have brought him earlier so Elliot wouldn’t get sick.”
“Where were you while Elliot was looking for you?”
“Elliot only waited for you.”
“How could you stop somewhere else when Elliot was waiting for you?”
“Elliot’s fever is 40 degrees…….”
“Bernard. You’re really selfish and terrible.”
Countless voices jumbled in Bernard’s head. He had never once been free. However, he had grown up without even properly knowing that it was abuse. To him, Elliot was a kind of shackle.
“Did Elliot…… say that?”
“He said he’d do anything for himself. Though I said that probably wasn’t the case.”
Rubens’ words were cunning. It sounded as if the proposal had been agreed upon with Elliot. However, Bernard clearly knew that all of it was his own delusion. If Elliot had heard, there was no way he would agree to such words. Where would there be a person who would share their lover with their sibling? Moreover, Elliot was… Elliot was…….
“If I refuse, what happens?”
“Elliot will have to handle everything.”
“Why?”
“Because he loves you.”
The words ‘loves you’ sounded strangely like abuse. Bernard’s eyes blinked again. The tears that fell in drops wet his socks.
“If I handle it… will Elliot be okay?”
“Of course. There won’t be anything to hurt him.”
“You’re terrible.”
“In the end, your desire that can’t abandon this proposal is also extremely disgusting, so it’s fine.”
Bernard’s body slowly crumbled. He knelt before Rubens and bowed his head. His whole body trembled. It was hard to distinguish whether it was fear or dizziness.
When Elliot was sick, Bernard was mercilessly pushed by his parents. They pressed and blamed Bernard, worrying about Elliot’s hospital bills. Bernard, continuously exposed to domestic abuse, often couldn’t make proper judgments. Because he had grown up like livestock with a part of his brain carved out over a long period.
“Not Elliot.”
“Why?”
“Because our parents love and worry about him.”
When he confessed that, Bernard tasted a futile emotion. Liam and Sarah loved Elliot. Then what about himself? Such a question echoed in his chest, but he already knew the answer.
“Then you’ll have to work hard.”
“What should I…….”
“Answer my calls on time anytime, and be prepared.”
Rubens’ eyes curved roundly. He sat with his legs crossed and silently looked down at Bernard crouched before him. The trembling eyelashes were pretty. Listening to the cheeks flushed red with an emotion that might be shame, the gasping breath, he suddenly recalled one more person.
The figure who had worn a crude tie pin at the party. The name Rhino McPherson…… came to mind faintly. It was someone who had a very passionate face. Recalling that blazing anger, Rubens suddenly became curious.
“Sexual experience?”
“Is that an important… question.”
The broken voice was soaked with deep shame.
“You need to answer.”
Rubens’ hand slowly felt Bernard’s cheek. It was an affectionate touch. Until he gripped his chin. With his head forcibly raised, he met eyes with Rubens.
“Once.”
“……Then you’re not completely ignorant about relations.”
It was strange. Rubens was like a person wearing one layer of a face over anger. Bernard thought that must be a delusion. He docilely pressed his knees together and swallowed dry saliva. He couldn’t tell the truth. That that experience was you, and that I’ve had expectations of you since that day.
Rubens’ black hair was lightly disheveled. At the distance that had become too close, Bernard averted his gaze, but he roughly gripped his chin again. Bernard’s eyes blurred with tears.
“We’ll need to talk more.”
“I have something I want to ask.”
Bernard murmured faintly at Rubens’ soliloquy. The person who tilted his head as if to say speak was beautiful like a dream.
“……Why are you doing this to me?”
The question was short and the regret was long. The laughter spreading across Rubens’ distorted face was mockery. The shadow faintly cast on his face was particularly striking. Bernard could only blink his eyes.
“It’s a part I’d like to know too.”
At that answer, Bernard sighed. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Rubens that his expression right now was similar to himself in the mirror.
***
It was after the sunset had completely set. Perhaps hearing the door sound, Elliot came running quickly from the living room. Looking at his brother whose eyes were strangely shining, Bernard let out a weak smile.
“You’re late.”
“You stayed up waiting?”
“Of course.”
Bernard silently pulled Elliot into an embrace. Elliot thought Bernard somehow smelled like his lover’s perfume, but the doubt quickly evaporated.
“Did things go wrong? I’ll speak well to Father for you. Don’t worry too much. He’ll understand if it’s my words.”
“No…… I, I did everything wrong.”
“What did you do wrong…… Bernard, are you crying?”
He should have said no, but Bernard just buried his face in Elliot’s nape and swallowed his tears. His glasses were crushed and hurt, but he didn’t care. Soon, feeling the hand that gently settled on his back, Bernard cried messily again.
“……I’m sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry for? You’re really strange today.”
Elliot slowly stroked Bernard’s back. Bernard felt his chest tighten and struggled to breathe. What expression would Elliot make if he spoke honestly? He had only thought about that the entire way home. In many scenarios, Elliot’s face turned deathly pale every time and he threw out questions like screams asking how he could do such a thing. So there was no way he could tell him.
“Elliot. I’m always on your side.”
“Me too.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“What? I’m happy now.”
Elliot let out a low laugh. Bernard thought his words were hypocritical. Even if he was scared, he should have spoken honestly. About what demands Rubens had made, and the fact that he had ultimately accepted them. That the partner that night was himself, not you, Elliot, and that everything had been wrong from the beginning.
But the moment he spoke, everything that supported Bernard would shatter to pieces. Neither Liam nor Sarah would want the fortune in their hands to disappear, and Bernard was afraid of what expression Elliot would make. Clutching his brother’s hem breathlessly, Bernard thought he was very filthy. He considered himself unredeemable trash at the bottom. How truly wretched that everything he loved repeatedly strangled him.
Yes, as long as Elliot and that man don’t know.
Bernard had already experienced it many times. Whenever he alone endured and let things pass, everyone became happy. Looking at Elliot who left a goodnight kiss on his cheek and greeting, Bernard thought.
“……Yeah, if you’re happy, that’s good.”
Elliot had to be happy. That was the goal Bernard Weil had valued most highly for over twenty years.
