I wasn’t sulking—I really wanted to be independent… but it must have looked like a petulant child throwing a tantrum in hyung-nim’s eyes too. That last comment was like that too.
Still totally like a child. I felt wronged and sad, but soon fell into a deep sleep as if my consciousness was being cut off.
***
When I opened my eyes, the sun was setting. Hyung-nim was pulling back the curtains, and the sunset was seeping lengthily into the office, dyeing the entire space orange. For a moment, I was confused about where I was.
Ah, right. I ran away from home. And… I got caught by hyung-nim.
My head throbbed. Mom and Dad must have already finished talking with hyung-nim on the phone. How do I go home now? With what face?
Hyung-nim didn’t say anything. He quietly gathered documents, put his jacket back on, and looked my way.
“Shall we go eat?”
I sat there dazed, then gathered my bag and clothes and got up. As we left the office, hyung-nim took out his car keys.
When we got to the parking lot, a jet-black sedan sparkled under the parking lot lights. Hyung-nim opened the passenger door like a gentleman. Inside the car was a mix of subtle leather scent and hyung-nim’s unique fragrance.
While riding in the car, my heart kept pounding. Hyung-nim was focused on driving, but occasionally seemed to glance sideways to check on me.
The downtown area at dinnertime was beautiful with neon signs lighting up one by one, but I didn’t have the luxury to properly appreciate the night view.
The lights visible outside the window swept past, intermittently illuminating hyung-nim’s profile. Each time, my gaze was captivated by hyung-nim’s perfect profile. Throughout the drive, I struggled to calm my pounding heart.
The place we soon arrived at was a high-class private room restaurant. With subtle lighting and clean interior design, the space divided into individual rooms created a quiet and elegant atmosphere.
The room we were guided to—hyung-nim must have made a reservation—was spacious and comfortable. A white tablecloth was laid on the table, and a subtle scented candle was burning. At the same time, soft classical music played in the background like a backdrop.
“Sit.”
Hyung-nim said as he pulled out a chair. I sat down awkwardly. It seemed like the time had really come to have a serious conversation.
The meal continued in silence.
“School classes, is there anything difficult?”
“It’s still early in the semester… so nothing too difficult.”
“You’re not even attending classes, right? Since your mind is off in a bean field these days.”
“…”
When I shut my mouth, feeling called out, hyung-nim looked straight at me.
Hyung-nim’s face reflected in the lighting looked even more sculptural. His well-shaped eyes seemed less like tools for looking at people and more like instruments for digging out the truth.
“Is the reason you want to live alone really what you said earlier?”
“What?”
“That you and your parents need independence. That you can’t stay in their care forever, and that they worry too much. That was the most persuasive among the reasons you gave. The rest weren’t good at all.”
Hyung-nim continued while gazing at me.
“I worked myself to death, and when I came back, one had already left home, and the other was trying to rub lips with some strange guy and is now saying he’s leaving home too. I’m not adapting well either these days. To this situation. So honestly, it’s hard to agree to independence too.”
“…”
“Since you failed last time because you got caught by me, it seems like you’re saying you want to live alone so you can comfortably meet this guy and that guy without anyone watching.”
As expected of a lawyer, hyung-nim speaks too well. As his words continued, my shoulders shrank a little more.
“I’m not blaming you, but your actions are like that. Suddenly at this time wanting to cultivate independence, wanting to come out from under your parents’ shadow. Anyone would find it out of the blue. The reason I mentioned has much more plausibility than that.”
“…”
“I was already thinking I haven’t been able to be there for you guys lately. If the reason makes sense, I’m thinking of helping persuade your parents, but right now even I can’t believe it.”
I scraped together my mind while completely tense.
“I want to ask honestly. What’s the reason you’ve been acting strangely unlike yourself lately? If it’s something hyung can solve, I want to help.”
“…”
“So try to persuade me, Hajin-ah. If it’s something hard to tell your parents, I’ll keep it secret.”
I bit my lip with my eyes downcast. It literally felt like I was cornered with nowhere to escape.
At the same time, I was troubled.
Should I speak honestly? That I might have a terminal illness, so I want to try everything before facing my last day.
That I lived as an obedient model student, so I wanted to try even minor transgressions and kisses at least once. And actually, that after that kiss last time, I didn’t have the courage to face hyung-nim properly again.
“Hyung-nim, then promise you won’t blame me.”
“I promise. I’m actually on your side. I actually think it’s not good that your parents only protect you too much.”
“Th-then…”
I took a deep breath. Then I picked out only the stories I could tell hyung-nim and opened my mouth.
“It’s not that I’m acting unlike myself—I’ve become an adult and gone to college, so I wanted to drink until I black out, and I’m still curious about many things. It’s because you don’t know me, hyung-nim.”
I couldn’t talk about the illness, but this was real. I was originally a curious child. Sexual curiosity was the same. I just hadn’t revealed it until now.
“That’s true. I only knew half of you too.”
Now I regretted the days I let pass while holding back like that. I didn’t want to live shrinking away to avoid getting scolded for however much time might be left.
“Like hyung-nim, Mom and Dad only know half of me too. So I want to play freely, but I don’t want to cause worry while attending school.”
“So that’s why you thought of living alone?”
“Yes. But I absolutely don’t mean I’ll play around causing trouble. But since I’ve always been well-behaved, if I suddenly do things I didn’t do before, I think they’ll be shocked…”
Hyung-nim let out a short sigh.
“At times like this, I wish the little kid I knew was still the same. You’ll find it ridiculous, but I do.”
“…”
“When you show a different side from what I knew, or when you don’t remember the you that I remember. At times like that, I feel really hurt. Hajin definitely liked yellow, but when did you start to like blue—stuff like that, you know.”
I blinked slowly.
Did I ever like yellow…? Honestly, I didn’t remember at all.
“See, you don’t remember. Kids don’t know.”
As if truly feeling hurt, hyung-nim let out a deep sigh at my expression. This was truly a reaction as if I had somehow hurt hyung-nim all this time.
“It’s all my greed—you can’t grow up exactly the same as when you were little. I haven’t paid attention to you for the past few years, so naturally there must be many sides I don’t know.”
“…”
“So I understand that you have other sides the adults don’t know, and that you feel stifled by that.”
Does he really understand? I started to feel hopeful without realizing it.
“Still, Hajin-ah.”
“…Yes, hyung-nim.”
Hyung-nim’s lips curved smoothly.
“There are no parents in this world who would let an omega live alone when they grab just any alpha they see and ask for a kiss because they’re curious.”
I bit my lip without realizing it. Naturally, my gaze was drawn to hyung-nim’s lips as if bewitched.
“Can you tell your parents about everything that’s happened until now right away, and make them believe you won’t live recklessly even while living out?”
“No…”
“Otherwise, from your parents’ perspective, their opposition is completely reasonable, so I can’t help within my means either.”
Hyung-nim didn’t withdraw his gaze. Rather, he added more firmly in an even lower voice.
“Of course, even without knowing about this, your aunt and uncle won’t feel at ease about anything from one to ten. The world is harsh too. I don’t want to worry them by telling them either.”
“Th-then…”
“No matter how I look at it, the reason they’re opposed is natural. To your parents, the world is dangerous, and in my eyes, you’re the most dangerous.”
That I’m the most dangerous. I felt hurt for a moment, but thinking back, I realized that’s honestly how it must look in hyung-nim’s eyes.
I couldn’t think of any words to refute, so I ended up keeping my mouth shut tight. Only my fingertips fidgeted unnecessarily, scratching the table.
More than anything, it was mortifyingly embarrassing to have the words and actions I did to hyung-nim that night while drunk being brought up again from hyung-nim’s lips. The sensation from that day vividly came to mind, and my heart beat irregularly.
My face burned completely. But there was one thing I wanted to correct.
“But, Jihwan, no, I didn’t end up doing anything with Jihyeon, and the kiss—”
“You did with me.”
Those words seemed to cut the air in the room with a snap.
