The First Button
He doesn’t know when he started liking Tae Shinwoo. That’s because there was no clear moment when he fell in love.
Perhaps from the moment Tae Shinwoo first appeared, all the things that happened after he came to stay at his house, and the big and small incidents that occurred while spending time with him accumulated one by one, eventually leading him to harbor these feelings. Without even realizing it, he had slowly seeped into Tae Shinwoo. That’s why he couldn’t even realize the fact that he had come to like Tae Shinwoo.
Of course, even if he had thought it might be so, he wouldn’t have acknowledged it. He was a man and Tae Shinwoo was also a man, so admitting that he liked him was clearly a difficult thing.
Seo Eunho thought he just felt a little closer to Tae Shinwoo, that his tightly closed heart was gradually opening and he had come to like him as a friend. He concluded that Tae Shinwoo had entered inside his boundary, which he had never allowed anyone into.
He had thought the very existence of friends was unnecessary. He also believed there would never be any chance of becoming friends with Tae Shinwoo. But as he found himself caring more and more about Tae Shinwoo, Seo Eunho put aside such thoughts. At least it was easier to conclude that he had started feeling close to him rather than that he had come to like Tae Shinwoo.
Perhaps it was because he had always lived being ignored by his father, who could be considered his closest family. Once he let Tae Shinwoo inside his boundary, Seo Eunho’s heart became very light and also willing. It was quite a joyful thing to be able to rely on someone without reservation.
However, the willing feeling didn’t last that long. No matter how much he pretended not to know and denied it, there was a truth he couldn’t help but realize. Even if he didn’t want to realize it, the moment when he would ultimately realize it would come.
That was the identity of the feelings he harbored. Not a friend. The moment he arrived at the conclusion that he actually liked Tae Shinwoo as more than just a friend—Seo Eunho remembered that moment vividly. The heart that had been too devastated couldn’t be forgotten even if he tried.
No. That can’t be. Doesn’t that not make sense? He muttered to himself dozens, hundreds of times, but the situation didn’t change. Seo Eunho couldn’t deny his own heart. Once he had realized it, it was something that couldn’t be undone.
It would have been better not to know. Seo Eunho still thought so. But he also thought it was something he would have found out eventually. The fact that he liked Tae Shinwoo.
The trigger for learning this shockingly overwhelming fact was actually trivial. The timing just wasn’t good.
During lunch time, Seo Eunho happened to spot Tae Shinwoo in a secluded hallway. Near the art room, perhaps. That hallway’s exit was relatively close to the alley where he could smoke, so it was a path Seo Eunho used often.
Tae Shinwoo was with some girl. It was a familiar face, so he knew she was someone who often hung around with Tae Shinwoo, but it was a bit unexpected that he was alone with that girl. That’s because Tae Shinwoo was usually surrounded by many people, except when he was with him.
Should he acknowledge them or not? Seo Eunho stood blankly and pondered. Even though the girl was a familiar face and it would be uncomfortable, it seemed like it would be okay to talk to them since Tae Shinwoo was there.
Normally he would have just ignored them and passed by. The very thought of wanting to acknowledge them was funny. How close does he think they are on his own? He sneered at himself inwardly. It wasn’t a bad feeling though. He knew that Tae Shinwoo also thought of him as comfortable and close.
‘I like you.’
He should talk to them after all. Seo Eunho thought so and started walking. However, the moment the words “I like you” popped out of the girl’s mouth, Seo Eunho had no choice but to stop in his tracks. At the same time, he felt like all his thought circuits had stopped. His head went blank and his heart pounded thump-thump-thump-thump. Seo Eunho’s gaze naturally turned toward Tae Shinwoo.
His pupils shook mercilessly. His lips, from which no voice would come out, kept opening and closing repeatedly.
Don’t.
Seo Eunho’s lips unconsciously moved that way. In that moment, Seo Eunho had a thought he shouldn’t have had.
Don’t like him. Tae Shinwoo is…
‘…Mm. I’m sorry. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t think now is the time to date. I need to study.’
Fortunately, before Seo Eunho could force out a voice, Tae Shinwoo settled the situation. At Tae Shinwoo’s attitude that seemed gentle at first glance but clearly drew a line, Seo Eunho felt greatly relieved, and watching the classmate leave soon after, he felt reassured once more.
It was after that when complicated thoughts began to arise. Why was he feeling relieved? Why had he hoped Tae Shinwoo would reject her? Why did he think that girl shouldn’t like Tae Shinwoo?
Actually, the answer was already there.
Don’t like him. Because Tae Shinwoo is mine. Because no one can become closer than me. Because it has to be that way.
It was his true feelings that had automatically burst out the moment he heard the girl’s confession. There was no other reason. Tae Shinwoo was his alone, and he couldn’t give him to anyone. Tae Shinwoo had to be only by his side.
Without even realizing it, Seo Eunho had been thinking that way all along. He had just temporarily covered up his thoughts with the name of friend.
“I don’t like it.”
Wasn’t it inevitable? Hadn’t Tae Shinwoo created a situation where he couldn’t help but come to like him? The current Seo Eunho had reached the point of placing the blame for the situation on Tae Shinwoo.
“It’s nothing much.”
“What do you mean nothing.”
But Tae Shinwoo’s attitude made Seo Eunho unable to help but think that way. Even now was like that.
Tae Shinwoo seemed kind but didn’t give anyone interest beyond a certain level. The only person he cared about every single little thing was Seo Eunho, himself.
So that meant he was the only person who could make Tae Shinwoo’s brow furrow just because a small bruise had formed on his arm after getting hit while dozing off during class.
Those who knew, all knew. That Tae Shinwoo acted particularly soft toward Seo Eunho and followed him around, while Seo Eunho himself found him annoying. Even that Tae Shinwoo’s interest in Seo Eunho was quite fervent.
Unlike what people thought, Seo Eunho didn’t find Tae Shinwoo annoying. Of course, he did at first. But from some point on, all thoughts of annoyance had completely disappeared.
Just as he couldn’t find the trigger for when he started liking him, this time too he didn’t know the exact point. He had thought about it for a while because he was curious when it was, but when he recalled the various moments when Tae Shinwoo showed interest in him, his mood would just float up and he would quickly give up.
Was there really a need to find the moment? If he had to be precise, all the moments that changed after meeting Tae Shinwoo were no different from what ultimately made Seo Eunho like this.
Because he was too good to him. Because Tae Shinwoo was the only person who had unconditionally showered him with attention without any conditions. He might have been helplessly captivated by that attention.
“If you doze off, you doze off. Why hit me?”
“What do you mean hit? It’s just one smack.”
“It wasn’t just a smack. You got bruised.”
“Is one bruise a big deal?”
“It is a big deal. I know you don’t bruise easily. Just thinking about when you headbutted my forehead last time, only you were fine.”
“What old story are you bringing up now?”
Seo Eunho laughed as if absurd at Tae Shinwoo bringing up an old story once again. He was talking about the episode from the first day he entered Tae Shinwoo’s house, when he had smashed the guy’s head against his forehead because he kept playing around, injuring Tae Shinwoo’s forehead.
Since then, summer vacation had started and ended, and now they were facing a new semester. So enough time had passed that it would be worth forgetting, yet Tae Shinwoo never failed to bring it up once as if showing he hadn’t forgotten.
“I should be able to forget. It was the first time I got hurt from being hit by someone.”
“How nice to have grown up so preciously.”
“Yeah. I grew up preciously.”
“But why did you grow up so preciously and yet your personality is such a mess?”
“What’s wrong with my personality?”
Seo Eunho laughed quietly. The confident face acting as if there was nothing wrong with his personality was absurd.
“Who was it that was watching someone get beaten up?”
“You’re the one talking about old stories.”
“Then who was the person who beat up that black-shouldered ahjussi a week ago?”
“Ah. You were watching that? You should’ve called out. Why secretly watch, how embarrassing.”
“…I could see through the window.”
“So you were stuck to the window because you missed me when I left.”
“…Let’s not talk.”
Seo Eunho shook his head. He couldn’t get angry at Tae Shinwoo, who responded to his every word with a bright face he didn’t show to others, and instead his heart just kept pounding, so even the will to say more disappeared.
So this was the problem. Seo Eunho was gradually being tamed by the bait Tae Shinwoo threw him with words and actions that said “you are special.” Eventually he would come to crave him to the point where he couldn’t live without the bait he threw. No, it might have already become that way.
What if he started giving bait to other people? If he abandoned him and went to someone else, what should he do from then on?
All the things he had managed just fine before getting close to Tae Shinwoo felt distant. Just thinking about Tae Shinwoo turning his back on him made him feel like he was sinking into an abyss.
He shouldn’t get too accustomed. But he couldn’t push Tae Shinwoo away now. He was worried about what effect his sudden actions would have on Tae Shinwoo’s feelings.
It wasn’t like himself. But he couldn’t help it. All the temptations Tae Shinwoo offered were sweet things he couldn’t escape from.
“I’m really upset.”
Tae Shinwoo’s fingertips lightly rubbed over Seo Eunho’s arm, which was still in summer uniform even though it was autumn. It was the spot where the small bruise had formed.
Seo Eunho stopped his thoughts and tried hard to act nonchalant. It felt like his fine hairs were bristling, but he hoped Tae Shinwoo wouldn’t think it strange. He also hoped the sound of his heart, which had already started beating as if about to burst, couldn’t be heard.
“About what?”
“That your arm got bruised.”
No suitable answer came to mind. It was literally an upset face, so he didn’t know how to react. He should say it’s okay, don’t worry about it, but absurdly, Seo Eunho liked that Tae Shinwoo was looking at him with a worried face.
“Using violence really isn’t right, is it?”
Tae Shinwoo, who had been quietly rubbing his arm, suddenly asked after thinking about something. It was still a sound that felt too absurd coming from his mouth.
“You’re not the one to say that. You use violence well too.”
“I do it because I have to.”
“Where is there such a thing as having to? Then the teacher probably did it because they needed to wake you up.”
“What are you talking about? You would have woken up if they just talked to you.”
“Were the people you hit people who wouldn’t listen to words?”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
“…What do you mean that’s right.”
“Anyway.”
Tae Shinwoo furrowed his brow and quietly stared at the bruise. His eyes had already turned cold, looking like he was about to do something, but Seo Eunho didn’t say anything.
He was busy watching Tae Shinwoo getting more angry than himself about the bruise on his body. His mood was gradually getting better. It was even more so because he knew that this guy didn’t show interest no matter who came from where with what kind of injury.
Tae Shinwoo was fundamentally kind, but didn’t have profound interest in others. So Seo Eunho was receiving special treatment. To the extent that he could upset Tae Shinwoo’s mood with just this one small bruise.
He seemed a bit out of his mind, but Seo Eunho just let Tae Shinwoo continue to care. A dog-like sense of superiority was taking hold of Seo Eunho.
***
A few days later, the teacher who carried around a rod similar to a billiard cue and had hit Seo Eunho’s arm for dozing off disappeared from the school. While scattering all sorts of sordid scandals.
There was no doubt that Tae Shinwoo had created the situation where someone who had been coming to school just fine disappeared overnight.
Seo Eunho asked Tae Shinwoo why he did that. Tae Shinwoo answered that it wasn’t even a false accusation, so what’s the problem? He didn’t seem to have any intention of denying that he had done it.
How could he do that? Should it be so easy to get rid of a person? Seo Eunho thought so, but still just said, “Okay.”
‘It was something that would have been caught eventually anyway. I just let them know in advance.’
He just nodded at the words Tae Shinwoo added. Anyway, the fact that the useless trouble Tae Shinwoo went through was because of him kept tickling his heart.
He didn’t think of himself as a moral person, but even so, seeing that his heart was moved even while watching Tae Shinwoo easily accomplish such an absurd thing, he really must not be in his right mind.
So. That bastard is really not normal. He’s someone who can bring a person down to rock bottom in an instant if he doesn’t like them. But is he really in his right mind for thinking he likes him despite that?
“Hi.”
The elevator door opened, and Tae Shinwoo appeared. The heart he couldn’t understand himself stirred every time he faced Tae Shinwoo every day. Seo Eunho smiled, trying not to let the other person notice.
Whatever it is, whether Tae Shinwoo is a scary guy or whatever, it doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is that he has come to like Tae Shinwoo. And also that he doesn’t want Tae Shinwoo to turn his back on him.
Seo Eunho wanted to be in Tae Shinwoo’s attention. He wanted to be protected within Tae Shinwoo’s boundary, where he would eliminate people who caused even minor injuries right before his eyes. It was a moment he had longed for since he was young. Seo Eunho liked Tae Shinwoo. He wanted to rely on Tae Shinwoo and be by his side.
“Yeah, hi.”
So Seo Eunho decided to work hard to stay within Tae Shinwoo’s attention. Not because of money, but because he didn’t want to lose Tae Shinwoo himself.
Everyone was desperate to get into Tae Shinwoo’s eyes. And now Seo Eunho was too.
