Even when I tried to persuade her that it wouldn’t take long to pay off the debt, Huijeong didn’t reverse her decision. I tried clinging and begging her not to do that. When I couldn’t contact her because Huijeong’s phone number had changed, I even went to her house. I watched what she was doing from afar and filmed melodrama that would only appear in dramas for about a month.
It’s not that I didn’t understand Huijeong. Even without friends around me advising, I knew that there was no woman who would marry a man with only debt left. True to her sharp personality, Huijeong had made a wise judgment. However, even though I knew it in my head, the emotions I had loved didn’t disappear with just one word of breaking up.
I cultivated depression in the narrow room of a goshiwon without even a window. I repeated self-blame until I moved to another room with a small window. After that, I just gave up, thinking it wasn’t my fate.
Then I heard about Huijeong’s marriage at a college reunion three months after we broke up. And now, nine months later, she got divorced.
“I’m going crazy.”
I deliberately closed my ears to news about her because my feelings weren’t completely sorted out yet. Even if I could laugh calmly as if nothing was wrong when I heard Huijeong’s name, my heart ached.
But divorce?
‘I know oppa is a good person, and I know you love me, so I love you too. But still, what’s not right is not right.’
‘What good is love? We can’t get married and live with our hands folded.’
‘It’s okay to curse me as a wicked woman. But I don’t want to live like my mom.’
I still remember everything Huijeong said when we broke up. With a pale white face, she still put strength in her eyes and said everything harshly before getting up. Even when I held her back telling her not to go, she coldly shook off my hand.
“Just live well.”
If that was the case, I should have cursed freely while watching whether she was eating and living well.
I let out a long sigh and raised my head. The night view around the hotel came into view. It was good that I chose the hotel walking path instead of going into the guest room with a frustrated heart. There were no people and a cool breeze was blowing. But even so, I felt anxious like a lost child.
“I’m such a fool. Really. Why is life like this?”
The friend who made me break up with my lover because of money died because of money. It might be murder. And my ex-lover got divorced.
And my stepmother, who never likes me, keeps calling asking for money.
What should I do? It was funny that I was worrying about this even though in reality there was nothing I could do. When things were hard, I thought I wanted to die, but now it just hurts.
“Have you been drinking?”
A voice came from the darkness. I wasn’t startled because I was drunk. I slowly turned my head to look for Rashanin, but he wasn’t visible.
“You seem drunk.”
At the end of the smooth tone, a sound of tongue-clicking followed as if finding it pathetic. The feeling of getting choked up for no reason was probably because I had drunk alcohol and was drunk as he said.
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re reeking of cheap alcohol all over your body and can’t even hold your head up properly. Plus, you’ll cry if I just poke you.”
“I said I’m not drunk. My neck moves fine, and who’s crying?”
At the sarcasm, I got angry and tried to get up from my seat, but my head was dizzy and I just sat back down.
“See.”
This time there was a subtle hint of laughter. I suddenly got irritated being teased when I couldn’t even see his face.
“Where are you? Don’t hide cowardly and come out.”
“Oh my, cowardly?”
“Then isn’t it cowardly? Teasing someone from where you can’t be seen.”
“I’m behind you.”
I was startled and turned around at the voice that really came from behind, and close by at that. But there was no one there.
I shouted asking if he was teasing me and turned my head forward again, when something was blocking my front. This time I was really startled. To come this close without any sign.
“Were you startled?”
“Of course. Make some sound.”
“Not having a presence is a racial characteristic.”
I stared blankly at Rashanin, who grinned, baring his teeth. This was the second time I’d seen Rashanin late at night. And the first time outdoors. I was seized by the same strange feeling as when I saw him in the hospital room. Somehow it seemed it wouldn’t be strange if he just disappeared like that.
Still, it was good to talk with him. Because I could only focus on him, I couldn’t think about other things.
“But why did you drink?”
“……”
Far from focusing, Namsu and Huijeong immediately came to mind. Damn it. My face contorted, and Rashanin smiled faintly.
“Because it’s personal?”
“You know well.”
“Do you know how worried I was?”
I retorted sharply, meaning to tell him to mind his own business, but a strange response came back. Worried? You? About me?
“……What?”
“When someone who’s injured doesn’t stay in bed and gets discharged, and moreover doesn’t come back until late at night without any contact, wouldn’t I naturally be worried?”
His tone, whispering like singing a song, was proper and beautiful. It even felt cheerful, to the point where his words about worrying seemed meaningless. On top of that, he was even smiling, which made it even more so.
“When you say it like that, it doesn’t sound like you were worried. Rather, you seem to be enjoying yourself.”
“Does it show?”
“It does.”
“So, what happened?”
Rashanin grinned like before. Thinking he was a persistent vampire, I quietly looked up at him. What was he so curious about? His purple eyes shone in the darkness. His white face, standing out even more in the dark, was urging me to tell the truth.
Should I say it? Would I feel better if I did?
“A friend… died.”
“And?”
“……?”
“You don’t seem like you’d act like you’ve lived your whole life just because a friend died. Was it perhaps a woman you had a crush on?”
“Don’t speak so lightly.”
“Where in the world is there an easy thing? Even making you open your mouth right now is this difficult. So, what are you so dejected about?”
A soft bass voice gently rang in my ear. As if entranced, I stared at Rashanin for a long while. Half wanting to speak, half wanting to just shout that it was nothing.
“A woman I used to date…”
“……”
“Got divorced.”
Only after spitting out the words like vomiting did I think this wasn’t something to tell Rashanin. But what could I do? Words already spoken can’t be taken back. I must have been drunk. To say such things.
“Well, the reason a man falls into drink is obvious. So are you going to propose this time?”
“……?!”
I stared at Rashanin, who was saying strange things. Propose?
“Isn’t that it?”
“I’ve never thought about it.”
“What a fool. You couldn’t forget another man’s woman all this time, but now that the woman is single, you’re backing off. Are you not a fool but a coward?”
“Who’s a coward?!”
“Then go and propose. Go with flowers and tell her you haven’t been able to forget her all this time.”
“What kind of…”
I was about to snap ‘nonsense is that,’ but stopped. If I truly hadn’t been able to forget Huijeong all this time, doing as Rashanin said would be right. That I still haven’t forgotten her. That if she just suffers for 2 years, debts and such will be gone. Could she wait until then? But.
“But I’m still poor, I still have nothing. And. And……”
My agitated voice trembled strangely, resonating through my heart. I didn’t have enough affection left to cling without shame like before. Like the emotion of love had been mixed with water and diluted. A faint emotion I couldn’t taste.
I once loved her enough to give everything, but where did it all go?
“It’s not love or lingering attachment but self-pity. That’s even worse.”
At the merciless point, it felt like I’d been hit on the head. No, it felt like blood was draining from my entire body.
“Did you cry?”
“……?”
“Did you shed tears for your dead friend?”
“No.”
“If your tears have dried up, you’re as good as dead. Try crying.”
Only after being told to try crying did I realize that you should cry when someone dies. I burned incense, bowed, grieved, and drank for Namsu. But tears didn’t come.
It wasn’t just Namsu.
I didn’t cry when my father passed away either.
