Was it because I searched for Joel too earnestly? I had a dream. It was about Joel collapsing and crumbling. Joel gradually cracked, then became blocks, became sand, then became dust. Joel was a person, not a puzzle or a tower, so it was strange. Since it wasn’t a good dream, I woke up early in the morning.
I stared blankly beyond the window where dawn was breaking and let out a deep sigh. My whole body ached and felt weary. Even though I’d spent two weekend days, I couldn’t rest comfortably at all. Ugh, it was the start of another exhausting Monday.
“Hey, System. Do you know where Joel is?”
Bluedale 🙂
“Who doesn’t know that!”
This is Bluedale, where else would he go? I could say that too. Anyway, useless thing. It’s only good at ordering me to do this and that, but when I need it, it doesn’t do anything properly.
🙁
Annoyingly, the system that could read my inner thoughts displayed its dissatisfaction. But I didn’t really want to care.
While showering, I thought of places where Joel might be. It’s not even that big a neighborhood, but he doesn’t come to school, quit his job, and isn’t at home, so I don’t know where he went. Come to think of it, I knew absolutely nothing about Joel. That he had a terrible personality and liked strawberry-flavored Twizzlers was about all.
Drip drip drip, I looked down quietly at the water spraying from the showerhead and flowing down my body, then tilted my head at the strange sense of déjà vu. And only then did I realize. A place where Joel might be.
* * *
“Was it here?”
I stood in front of a fork in the road, shook the handlebars left and right, and eventually ran my hands through my hair. The system I had earnestly complained to since morning was sulking and wouldn’t listen to me. That meant it wasn’t showing me the way like usual.
I had no choice but to rely only on memory to ride my bicycle. It was confusing because I’d always come here by car. The roads lined with dense trees all looked similar, which made it worse. I was also a bit surprised that the distance was farther than I thought. What if I’m late to school at this rate? ……Well, I was late last time from oversleeping too, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.
In the 12 years I lived in Korea, I had never once been late to school and had never been absent. But since coming here, I’d loosened up. I overslept and was late, I’m thinking of deliberately skipping like this, and I gradually put off the daily review I used to do after school ended. At first I was anxious, but as I gradually became able to use my time freely, I realized that not studying was quite enjoyable.
For 12 years living in Korea—no, for even longer—I had lived my whole life only studying. That was everything. Getting into ‘Korea University Medical School’ was more important than becoming a doctor.
But here, different things were important. I had to do things I wouldn’t have even looked at in Korea. For quests, I talked to 100 people, rummaged through various places in the school, and attended parties. Things I couldn’t even dream of in Korea.
The only kids I’d talked to while attending school in Korea were kids who had walked a similar elite course. We thought of each other as competitors and already knew that fact about each other. We were wary of each other with smiling faces.
We all secretly knew how far ahead each person had progressed, how many points they got on the last test. Chatting with friends—I never even dreamed of such things. They were kids who would be happy that I failed to get into Korea University Medical School. Because they had surpassed me, a strong competitor.
“Wow……”
If it had been Korea, I wouldn’t have risked being late to school and wandered unfamiliar roads like this. Because there was only one path I had to take.
Even though it wasn’t the place I was looking for, an exclamation naturally burst from my mouth when I saw the brightening sky beyond the forest dense with trees. I didn’t know before that the sky was this pretty. I was always looking down at vocabulary cards or math problem books.
It was strange. This place is inside a drama, and even though I know that fact, everything around here feels more real than things outside this world. That I feel it’s more beautiful and more precious.
I got lost, but fortunately I seemed to have come the right way because I could see sunlight sparkling, reflected on the water surface beyond. I parked my bicycle against a tree trunk and ran toward that place.
The fishy smell of water brushed past my nose, and swoooosh! the wind shook the tree branches. And I saw a broad back sitting diagonally on a car hood. I was so happy to discover the denim jacket he always wore that I almost screamed. I quickly covered my mouth. I didn’t want to disturb Joel, who was peacefully looking at the lake. But he must have already sensed someone’s presence, because he soon slowly turned his head back, and our eyes met.
“…….”
“…….”
I slowly raised my eyebrows following Joel’s widening eyes, then stopped in place at Joel’s expression immediately crumpling.
“What.”
“……Well.”
I had only thought I should find him, but I hadn’t actually decided exactly what to say when we met. I just moved my lips, then picked out and blurted the best words I could say.
“I’m sorry.”
“…….”
But it must not have been the best choice. Because Joel’s expression crumpled even more.
“I didn’t lie on purpose then. I was afraid you’d be upset……!”
“So you did it on purpose knowing I’d be pissed off.”
Joel, who slowly stood up from his seat, glared at me with his head tilted crookedly. That was absolutely not my intention! But since it wasn’t exactly wrong either, I only made an “Uh……” sound and mumbled my words.
Step, step. Having lost all words, I just quietly looked up at Joel gradually getting closer. Joel’s face, with the morning sunlight at his back, was shadowed. That uniquely gloomy impression that didn’t match his fiery temper particularly caught my eye. When Joel stood right in front of me, I nervously touched the surface of the tree beside me for some reason.
“‘That guy’ even appeared in my dream, so I was feeling like shit…… Seeing something like you here of all places in the morning makes me fucking pissed.”
Tap, tap. Joel tapped his temple, where veins were wriggling, with his index finger.
“I hang out with you a few times and play along, so I’m just a joke and easy to you?”
“……No.”
“No, I’m fucking a joke and easy to you. That’s why you pulled that kind of audacious shit. Fuck, knowing how much I hate that bastard David. Right. It was suspicious when you suddenly spouted that crap about a date or whatever. Even though I was skeptical, I accepted wondering what you were thinking, and you were planning that kind of shit behind my back. To piss me off.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose……!”
I was trying to build up Joel’s affection rating, I never tried to make him angry. But I couldn’t tell him this reason. The only things I could say were it’s not like that, I’m sorry, just that much. Joel seemed even angrier at this. He cut off my words and yelled.
“If that’s not on purpose, what is it! What, the lie was also a mistake, and going to that place where that bastard David was is also a mistake? Everything’s a mistake? Are you saying you’re stupid, you’re stupid all the time, so you really want to cosplay being an idiot? Huh!”
“……I just wanted to apologize.”
“I hate naive bastards like you. No, you’re not naive, you’re just pretending to be good. I hate that rotten mentality of not thinking ahead and already doing it, then thinking just saying ‘sorry’ will fix everything, fuck. My mood is already all ruined.”
“…….”
It wasn’t wrong. Because I wanted to raise both Joel’s affection rating and David’s affection rating, I did it on purpose out of greed. Even lying because I knew Joel hated David.
“I feel like shit like I’m going to lose it, so get lost.”
The surface of the tree where I’d placed my hand felt particularly rough. I nodded my head weakly. But whether Joel didn’t see it or wasn’t satisfied with just that, he yelled again.
“Fuck, I said get lost!”
Only when I stepped back in surprise did Joel close his mouth and twist his jaw. And he turned his body and thump, thump, thump! walked away with strong footsteps before climbing into his car’s driver seat. Vroooom! What the car left behind as it reversed forcefully and disappeared was only grass pressed down in tire tracks and the smell of exhaust fumes.
* * *
I was late to school. Should I call it an absence since I skipped two classes? I was called in by the teacher and received the serious question of whether there was another problem, since they thought things were fine because my appearance had become neat lately.
They seemed worried, remembering the EMO kid July who had piercings all over and showed a rebellious attitude. I tried to smile, but since no smile came out, I just shook my head from side to side at the teacher’s question.
My head was complicated. I don’t know how to properly apologize to Joel. Joel doesn’t seem to have any intention of receiving an apology.
If Joel wanted to ignore me like this, there was nothing I could do. But I couldn’t leave him alone. I wanted to save Joel, who might get shot and die someday. Really strangely, rather than thinking that if Joel dies, this drama’s development will be ruined and I’ll die, the thought that I just wanted Joel to live came first. Did I develop affection for him? Even though I called him a bastard and every curse word in my head all the time.
“Sigh……”
I resented the world that didn’t go as I wished a bit, but it was natural. In the first place, if everything had gone my way, I wouldn’t have failed to get into Korea University Medical School and wouldn’t have entered this drama.
“Ugh……”
I wish Joel or other people really were like ‘characters’ in a drama, if I had thought of them that way it would have been really good, but they were all ‘people’ so it was troublesome. It would have been nice if there were formulas like in studying, but I couldn’t solve people’s hearts at all.
