“Yesterday Mom asked how Dohyeon was doing these days, showing me this photo and asking if I remembered, and I seriously almost threw up. Total dark history, dark history. If I could just get amnesia, fuck, I’d erase this memory first.”
My expression crumpled instantly at the photo Kang Junwoo held out. On the other hand, Kkotmoa burst into loud laughter. The photo developed from a film camera was from my sixth birthday. At the private kindergarten I attended that gathered third-generation chaebols, they threw birthday parties by gathering kids whose birthdays were in the same month.
Anyway, since mine was the only birthday in September, I was wearing a crown alone. It was a photo of Kang Junwoo kissing my cheek in front of the birthday table decorated by the kindergarten teachers while I wore a crown. Little Dohyeon and little Kang Junwoo in the photo were wearing completely sour expressions, expressing with their whole bodies how much they hated it.
I remember it precisely—as soon as Kang Junwoo kissed my cheek, I beat him up terribly. Until Kang Junwoo cried out loud. Then I got hit really hard by Mom and cried out loud too. It was the worst birthday among the ones I remember.
Anyway, I glared fiercely at Kang Junwoo, wondering what his intention was in summoning memories I didn’t want to recall with a single photo. Kang Junwoo ignored my gaze and was giggling with Kkotmoa.
“Look, look, wasn’t I really cute when I was little? My parents and hyungs died from how pretty I was, totally. Look at my chubby cheeks—really cute like steamed buns, right?”
“…Yeah, you were really cute. Different from now. No wait, seeing how you were handsome even as a kid, I guess some of it remains.”
“You think I was handsome even as a kid? Well, where would this beauty go? Our Kkotmoa has pretty high standards.”
“I don’t just say nice things because we’re close. Honestly, even looking objectively, what kind of kid is this handsome and cool?”
Kang Junwoo was busy bragging about six-year-old Kang Junwoo, while Kkotmoa responded while alternating between looking at the photo and me. Only then did I realize that Kang Junwoo was being played by Kkotmoa right now. If you just listened to the conversation, it seemed like he was responding to Kang Junwoo’s words, but Kkotmoa was thoroughly talking about me. My flower was frustratingly kind, but also admirably smart.
“Junwoo-ya, can I have this photo?”
“Am I that cute? Alright, I’ll be generous. Anyway, I brought it to throw away since it’s a photo with that bastard, so I’ll throw it to you.”
“Yeah. Thanks for throwing it to me.”
Kkotmoa, smiling brightly, took the photo and put it in his bag. I couldn’t understand why he wanted that dark history photo. I had the same thought as Kang Junwoo. A photo like that should be gotten rid of immediately. If Kkotmoa wanted it because he wanted a photo of me as a child, I could bring him the best photo possible, or no, I could give him the whole album. So I needed to snatch that away and burn it. However…
“I like it because it’s this photo though?”
When I brought up exchanging the photo on the way to the library after Kang Junwoo left for his date, I heard an unexpected answer.
“Why do you like that photo? I hate that you have a photo like that.”
“I like it. It’s a photo of my two favorite people together. And in such a cute pose too.”
“…If it disappears, I’m the culprit.”
“I’ll have to hide it well.”
Just as I vowed to steal the photo by any means necessary since I’d already given warning, Kkotmoa burned with determination to somehow hide it well and protect it. Today too, we had to become complete strangers and be stuck in the library until we picked up Samyukshippal from the taekwondo studio. That fact made me depressingly gloomy.
We kissed so often I couldn’t count, and held hands until they were worn out. But I wasn’t pure or young enough to be satisfied with just that. Still, I was desperately holding back to avoid hurting Kkotmoa and be as considerate as possible, but with days continuing where I couldn’t even kiss properly because of studying for exams like lately, I felt like I was going crazy. Knowing what Kkotmoa did in the bathroom that day, I felt pitiful struggling alone in my imagination every night to soothe my lust by myself.
“Ha, I want to kiss…”
“I’ll do it tonight.”
“You said that but didn’t do it yesterday either.”
“Yesterday? Oh, I was so tired yesterday that I went straight upstairs with Jaea and slept.”
“You didn’t do it the day before yesterday either.”
“The day before yesterday… oh, people were passing by in front of the villa.”
“You didn’t do it the day before that either.”
“Why didn’t we then?”
Looking at Kkotmoa thinking hard, I told him the answer as if muttering.
“When I tried to do it in the car, you said we can’t in a place without a roof.”
“Right. We can’t in a place without a roof. It’s dangerous.”
“…The car has a roof though.”
“No, because someone could see through the windows.”
“Haah…”
I sighed and followed behind him weakly and listlessly. In my senior year of high school, I loved studying with Kkotmoa so much, but after we started dating, I couldn’t hate studying more. Because of studying, there’s nothing I can do with him. If you consider all these restrictions Kkotmoa has put on this and that, the only places we could kiss were Kkotmoa’s house or a hotel. But would Kkotmoa be the type to obediently take my hand and follow me to a hotel?
At Kkotmoa’s house, except for weekends, Samyukshippal was always there so it was impossible. I couldn’t make a big deal with Samyukshippal using a phone or something like before. Kkotmoa said if I did that one more time, he’d be disappointed and wouldn’t see me. Unable to do this or that, I was gradually withering away.
“Then can’t we just be together?”
“We can study together at the library.”
“No, I want to be alone together, just the two of us. I won’t disturb your studying.”
“…Even if you don’t disturb me, if we’re alone together, I can’t concentrate. Hyeondo-ya, please understand for just a few days. I… no. After exams are over first.”
Kkotmoa, who was about to say something, changed the subject, but I didn’t have the leeway to observe that carefully. My flower bloomed so beautifully and brightly to suit spring, but my season was a winter colder than the Siberian plains where bitter winds blow.
* * *
“If Hyeondo-gun is already twenty-four, it’s about time to jump into management, isn’t it?”
He was a man around my father’s age. He was the CEO of an entertainment company that the actors who were main models for D Hotel and department stores belonged to. His daughter was also an actress, and no matter how much the CEO pushed her, she snagged leading roles several times despite being such a terrible actress. I didn’t know much about that industry, but probably there was tremendous cash and in-kind sponsorship.
“I still have a lot to learn.”
“Even if Hyeondo-gun participates in management, please take good care of our kids. Especially our Yena begged me to make a chance after seeing Hyeondo-gun at the New Year’s event, hehe…”
When participating in D Group events with my father, the people I met were mostly divided into two types. Those like this man who tried to somehow link me with their daughter, and those who, if they didn’t have a daughter or their age didn’t match mine, tried to somehow look good and catch my eye to gain benefits. Both were just disgusting to me.
Until last year, I hid behind Mom and only attended events I had to go to using school and the military as excuses, but now I had no excuses. Having midterms in a week wasn’t an excuse that would work on my father. That’s why I participated in the New Year’s event after discharge, and today was already the second event I was participating in.
“Yena came today too—did you happen to meet her?”
Since I’d become so used to people approaching like this at the D Group founding anniversary party, I’d come out to the terrace to hide. But there were still types like this man who deliberately sought me out to be annoying. Since the other party was an adult, I had to be courteous for my parents’ sake, but I didn’t know why I hated dealing with them so much. It might have been because I was stressed and sensitive lately from not even having a chance to kiss Kkotmoa.
“No. I’m sorry, but I have an important call to make, so excuse me.”
I politely packaged telling him to get lost. The man who was trying to continue the conversation somehow showed his displeasure when I actually took out my phone and took a stance to really make a call, then went back inside. I wished I could lock the terrace door from the outside so no one could come out, but it was unfortunate that it could only be locked from inside. If I claimed a position in D Group, the first thing I’d do is tear out all the terrace doors. So they could be locked from the outside too.
Current time, eight o’clock. The event that started at seven was in full swing. Countless flower wreaths were lined up from the entrance of the banquet hall, and my facial muscles seemed stiff from forcing a smile while receiving greetings with my father for almost an hour. But I endured it firmly. Whether I liked it or not, it was a share I had to carry from now on. That’s why I didn’t want anyone to disturb this time I’d barely escaped.
“Oh? You were here. I looked for you for quite a while…”
The woman who came in with a sly smile was one of the girl group members who was a D Department Store model. Since her pictorials were hung in every department store, I recognized her face, but of course I didn’t know her name since I wasn’t interested.
“Sorry, but I have to make an important call right now.”
“I’ll wait.”
“…Do you have a hobby of eavesdropping on other people’s calls?”
“What? Oh, I didn’t mean that…”
“I think I was here first, so could you please leave since it’s an important call?”
I was speaking as courteously as possible in a roundabout way, but my face wasn’t smiling at all. With receiving greetings together next to my father, my mission for today was essentially over. When I looked at the woman coldly with a chilly gaze, the embarrassed woman soon went back inside. This is so annoying I could die. This is why I don’t want to participate in company events.
Kang Junwoo, who came to someone else’s founding anniversary party and was surrounded by female celebrities, and I were fundamentally different humans. Like other third-generation chaebols, Kang Junwoo enjoyed such things and said he had intentions about sponsorships later, but all of that seemed unnecessary and useless to me. I had no interest at all.
“…”
Did Kkotmoa go home, or is he still at the library?
As midterms approached a week away, Kkotmoa practically lived at the library. Samyukshippal, who finished at the taekwondo studio in the evening, went home bravely by himself starting yesterday. He even took a photo and sent me a message saying he took out and ate the food and side dishes Kkotmoa had prepared. I don’t know how admirable and praiseworthy he was when I saw that.
The perfectly fitted suit I wore after a long time was stuffy. Military uniform was much more comfortable. For some reason, the three-piece suit with a vest felt oppressive since long ago. It also felt like a silent suggestion not to forget my position.
It seemed like this stuffiness would ease even a little if I heard Kkotmoa’s voice. I pressed the call button, but even after calling three times until it went to voicemail, I couldn’t hear Kkotmoa’s voice. I sighed and was blankly looking up at the hazy moon when my phone vibrated.
