It sounded like a question, or perhaps a murmur to himself. Either way, his expression clearly showed he’d heard something absurd.
“It doesn’t have to be called friendship. Just…”
Clumsy excuses rapidly came to mind. However, Haeyoung couldn’t continue right away and reached out to grip Seonwoo’s arm.
“I want us to be together like before. It’s just that, unlike before, I won’t be everything to hyung, and I also…”
The words that had been flowing softly to persuade Seonwoo trailed off midway. He couldn’t bring himself to say that there would come a moment when Seonwoo wouldn’t be everything to him either.
Could there be someone who could replace him? A bitter smile crossed Haeyoung’s lips at the question that arose in that brief moment. Instead of what he was going to say, he looked up at Seonwoo and lifted the corners of his mouth.
“We can do that too.”
“…I can’t.”
However, the expression he’d been trying to keep calm instantly crumpled at Seonwoo’s answer. The face that had been smiling as if grimacing gradually darkened.
Inevitably, his nose stung. The sight of himself clinging to Seonwoo, begging to remain on friendly terms at least, looked pathetically shabby even to himself. Feeling like he was becoming more wretched the more he spoke, Haeyoung let out a short, bitter laugh.
“What are you going to do if you can’t? Are we not going to see each other from now on? I’ve already shown you every embarrassing side of me, and we can’t go back to how things were before.”
He hadn’t been ashamed when word spread at school that his family had gone bankrupt, and he hadn’t been upset when he couldn’t make time for himself because of his tightly packed part-time job schedule while his college friends were out having fun. He’d thought that if he worked hard, things could get better.
But this time, he couldn’t see an answer. Standing before Seonwoo kept making his heart feel poor. And yet, the fact that he still wanted to be by his side was laughable even to himself.
“I don’t know the answer, so I’m saying let’s try something. To others, we’ll just look like close friends…”
“……”
“If we stay like that, we’ll be able to see each other’s faces like it’s nothing… contact each other, and do those things, won’t we?”
His playful voice gradually sank. Haeyoung had no choice but to notice that his own voice was trembling. Finally, as he clamped his lips shut as if chewing them, Seonwoo reached out his hand.
Cha Seonwoo wrapped around Haeyoung’s fist that had been clenched so tightly it had turned pale at some point. At the touch gently caressing the back of his hand, he could feel the strength gradually leaving his fist. Through the loosening gaps between his fingers, Seonwoo slipped his own fingers in and clasped them firmly together.
“Among things related to you… there isn’t a single thing that’s ‘nothing.'”
A slow voice fell from Seonwoo’s lips. Their interlaced fingers were pulled up to his mouth. Cha Seonwoo lightly pressed his lips against the knuckles of Haeyoung’s hand that he held firmly.
The moment lips and skin touched, a brief friction sound rang out softly. Strength momentarily entered Haeyoung’s arm as he vacantly watched his movements. Without lifting his lips, Seonwoo only raised his gaze to look at Haeyoung.
“Covering up the time we spent together like it’s nothing—I can’t do that.”
The declaration that flowed out slowly felt almost stubborn. Haeyoung’s nerves were entirely focused on the hand Seonwoo was holding. With each whisper, he could feel shallow breaths on the finger touching his mouth.
Noticing where his attention was drawn, Seonwoo parted his lips slightly. When he lightly bit Haeyoung’s finger between his teeth, he could see Haeyoung’s eyes widen. Yoon Haeyoung, who’d flinched and shuddered at the shoulders, hastily pulled his hand away from Seonwoo.
“Why, why did you bite me?”
The question that jumped out felt stupidly obvious. The answer was clear. Seeing the thoroughly displeased look on his face, he must have wanted to be a little spiteful. Even knowing this, the defensive question had burst out unconsciously because he’d been startled in that moment.
For some reason, the fingertip he’d bitten throbbed as if it had been burned. Watching Haeyoung clench his hand tightly again, Seonwoo laughed weakly.
“Have you ever thought that everything was decided the moment you were born? What thoughts I should have, who I should meet, what kind of life I should live—that it was all predetermined.”
Though the words came out without order, Haeyoung sent his gaze to him and listened attentively.
“It was easy, powerless, everything was meaningless. Until I met you.”
“……”
“Haeyoung-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever wanted in my life. You were the first meaning ever given to me, the only difficult person, and yet…”
Cha Seonwoo stopped speaking as if holding his breath. Lifting his hand that had been hanging awkwardly, he briefly rubbed his face. When his hand dropped again, the smile that was revealed was pale without a trace of color.
“How can I treat this as if it’s nothing?”
He had the face of someone being strangled. Looking at that face, Haeyoung had to feel as if he too was suffocating.
As if it’s nothing? Words of protest rose to the tip of his throat. He wanted to say, What does it look like I’m trying to do right now? He wanted to pour out his sorrow with indignant injustice. He was the one who couldn’t let go of this relationship and was trying to hold onto him even with such pitiful words. Toward that Haeyoung, Seonwoo asked in a low voice.
“…You said you wouldn’t give up on me.”
It was a voice tinged with faint laughter, but somehow it also seemed to hold a faint resentment.
“Hm?”
The short question uttered softly begged Haeyoung for an answer.
“I’m not giving up.”
Haeyoung shook his head.
He wasn’t giving up. That wasn’t something he could do. He’d already chosen Seonwoo from the options of himself and Cha Seonwoo placed side by side.
“But hyung…”
The words that were about to come out caught in his throat. It was something he’d never once thought he’d say to him until last year. The words he couldn’t say even at the moment of breaking up flowed out easily when he gave up on himself and thought of Seonwoo.
The moment when he wouldn’t be everything to Seonwoo was premised simultaneously with their breakup. And what he resolved to bear this time was to remain by his side even in such a moment. Even if they weren’t each other’s top priority, perhaps as a unique relationship.
Haeyoung sneered a little crookedly before the predetermined ending. He didn’t want to say it. But at the same time, he did. Steadying his wavering heart, he opened his mouth with the most honest smile he could muster.
“Hyung needs to meet someone better.”
Because that was the last wish he could give Seonwoo.
***
A conversation where neither person backs down couldn’t flow smoothly. In the end, the two only left their spot after the blazing red sunset began to sink into the sea. Without finding any suitable compromise.
Even after leaving the conversation at an awkward place, Haeyoung stood in front of the car and held out his hand, saying he’d drive. However, Seonwoo didn’t hand over the car keys to him.
“I’ll take you. I can meet up on my way and return the car.”
The gist was that driving for a long time would be tiring. …Then wasn’t it important that he’d be tired? Though it was an unconvincing argument, Haeyoung eventually raised both hands at his stubbornness.
“Hyung needs to take care of himself a bit. You have to go to work. Aren’t you worried you’ll be really tired tomorrow?”
“You worry about it for me.”
“……”
“Are you not going to anymore?”
It was a question that was both seemingly playful yet barbed. Haeyoung forced a smile and shook his head.
While riding in the car back to Seoul, a heavy silence lingered inside. It was inevitable since Haeyoung kept his mouth shut and stared out the window. Seonwoo, who had to focus on driving, only occasionally glanced at him sitting beside him.
Taking in the familiar streets visible outside the window, Haeyoung felt a strange sensation.
Was it because they’d practically lived together while dating? Heading to his studio apartment in the car Seonwoo was driving somehow evoked complicated feelings. It was also strange that he thought he’d still be living here even though half a year had passed since they broke up. Without asking anything, Seonwoo had set the destination as if it were natural.
The car that had smoothly entered the narrow alley reached its destination. The headlights attached to the front of the car brightly illuminated the dark building wall. Haeyoung unfastened his seatbelt with a slow hand.
“Alright.”
Looking at him as if he’d open the door and get out any moment, Seonwoo opened his mouth that he’d kept closed the whole time.
Alright, what? The question that flashed through his mind for a moment didn’t come out of his mouth. Because he realized it was the answer Seonwoo had been withholding all this time. Even though it was the word he’d been waiting for, now that he actually heard it from him, his fingertips grew cold and stiff.
“Let’s do that.”
Haeyoung’s head reflexively turned. Seonwoo’s eyes, which had no trace of laughter, curved gently as soon as their gazes met.
“Let’s do as you say, Haeyoung-ah.”
The answer that flowed out again felt like driving in a nail. The voice that had sunk low was gentle to the end.
“Thanks. See you next time, hyung.”
Haeyoung barely managed to smile back and offer his greeting.
Soon, he got out of the car and carefully closed the door. The grayish silver car door closed smoothly without a sound. Standing in front of the closed car and hesitating for a moment, Haeyoung soon entered the villa without looking back.
He climbed the stairs and entered the house, standing as if trapped in the narrow shoe cabinet. He leaned back as if the strength had left his body. Thanks to the iron door right behind him, he didn’t fall.
Thanks? Thanking me? What’s there to thank me for, really?
A hollow laugh burst from his mouth. Standing in the entryway that was only as big as his two open palms, silently staring at the empty air, Haeyoung’s knees buckled. His head fell weakly onto his crouched knees. As if not even feeling the cold rising from the floor, he remained motionless.
His shoulders, which had been holding their breath, slowly began to heave.
“Ugh, ngh……”
A small sobbing sound leaked through his clenched teeth. No matter how much he covered his mouth, it was useless. As if the smiles he’d shown in front of Seonwoo had all been lies, he had to bite his lips to swallow the emotions he’d been holding back while curled up.
The light in the entryway that had been illuminating his head didn’t last long before going out. Complete darkness came crashing down on him, left alone.
