His shoulders stiffened slightly at the voice that fell low. Not knowing how to answer that question, Haeyoung, who had been hesitating, finally bit the inside of his lips.
“No.”
He denied it as if chewing it out, but as soon as he spat out the words, his heart pounded. It was unavoidable since he couldn’t tell the truth. Why did he cry? There was no way he could say such a thing with his own mouth in front of him.
I feel like I’m going to die of embarrassment because you gave money to Dad, and I feel like I’m going crazy that Dad went looking for you without me knowing. I want to run away because I’m ashamed to face you, hyung. Haeyoung pressed down and swallowed the words he couldn’t bring himself to spit out. His Adam’s apple shot up then slowly sank down.
It wasn’t that his rock bottom was shameful, but that he’d shown it to Cha Seonwoo. The reason he couldn’t make any excuses when they broke up was probably also because of pride. So Haeyoung couldn’t say anything this time either.
“No?”
But the voice that flowed out as if questioning his words was laced with suspicion rather than relief. A certain sense of dissonance was felt in that strange sign.
Even with his denial, his tension wasn’t resolved at all. The voice that was somehow prickly, unlike usual, seemed to know he was lying.
“…….”
Wait, he knows?
The eyes that had been avoiding him obliquely immediately turned toward Seonwoo. The eyes looking down at him were affectionate as always, but there remained an anxious corner he couldn’t hide.
Yoon Haeyoung discovered a vague certainty within them. It wasn’t just a vague guess that the cause of his crying lay with him. The clearly revealed anxiety was closer to being afraid because he knew the answer. In an instant, a heavy shock struck the back of his head.
No way.
“…Did you know?”
“…….”
“You knew. You knew everything, didn’t you?”
Ha. A hollow laugh reflexively spilled from his mouth. Haeyoung, who had been rummaging through his blanked-out head, raised his hand and shook off Seonwoo’s arm.
His hand, which hadn’t had much strength in it anyway, fell away easily. Haeyoung, who had been looking down at the hand falling through the air, raised his head again. A sharp gaze was fixed on him once more.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
“Hyung, just shut your mouth for a moment.”
At the sharp words that came back, Seonwoo’s mouth closed. The fact that they’d never had a big fight in 5 years meant this was also the first time he’d shown such a sharp attitude toward him. Having thrown an unfamiliar dagger, Haeyoung was about to sweep down his face with his hand but instead opened his mouth as if sighing.
“Sorry.”
At the brief apology, Seonwoo shook his head. His face, waving weakly, was pale. That face bothered him considerably, but he had absolutely no room to care about that much.
Ah, fuck.
How should he explain this feeling of his eyes going dark while his insides suddenly boiled? Betrayal? Having blamed himself alone all this time, he was no longer certain whether that was an emotion he was allowed to have.
One thing was certain: he knew the reason for their breakup. What made him run away. So, even that he knew his father had secretly given him money.
“You knew everything…. Did you know when we broke up too?”
“…….”
There was no answer, but silence was affirmation.
Instead of lying and saying he didn’t know, Cha Seonwoo chose to keep his mouth shut. Haeyoung lowered the hand that had been dry-washing his face and met his eyes. Looking at those moist eyes, even in this situation, he felt like a fool for hesitating.
What must he have thought watching him shamelessly say let’s break up first?
“You think I….”
Haeyoung, who had hastily opened his mouth, closed it again with a hollow laugh. He didn’t want to approach this emotionally, but he couldn’t control the emotions that surged like flames.
Tilting his chin up to look at the ceiling to calm down for a moment, a camera came into his view. How pathetic and cowardly must he look captured in the camera? He lowered his gaze again as if avoiding the pitch-black lens, but there were still black eyes watching him in that spot. Haeyoung blinked slowly and regulated his breathing.
“While secretly giving money to my dad….”
And the voice that was released was much calmer than before.
“Did you think you could keep hiding it? You knew I’d hate it, but didn’t you think you’d get caught?”
He knew it was a belated resentment. What he should have asked when they broke up, Haeyoung was only asking now. Ultimately, only now that he knew there was nothing left to hide.
Then and now, he wanted to die of embarrassment. It was an appearance he wanted to hide forever if possible. He wasn’t grateful for mercy he’d never wanted. Did he hope he’d be grateful? So did he think it didn’t matter if he knew?
He didn’t want to think that way. He knew Cha Seonwoo wouldn’t have had such feelings, and Cha Seonwoo would know him too. However, the words that came back were an answer completely opposite to such expectations.
“I did.”
“…You did? You just said you did?”
With a pale and neat face, he answered calmly. His truthful appearance, as if he wouldn’t tell a single lie, was like a monk confessing his sins.
And his face with lowered gaze perhaps looked more composed than himself. A confused light rose in Haeyoung’s eyes as he looked up at Seonwoo. The fist he reflexively clenched curled tightly inward.
“What……. What on earth were you thinking?”
The end of the voice that popped out of his mouth was trembling.
Seonwoo quietly took in Haeyoung like that, and Haeyoung discovered himself unable to find his bearings within his eyes. Did he also discover himself within his own eyes? Soon, at the moisture rising in those black eyes, Haeyoung stopped breathing.
Despite making an expression like someone being strangled, as if there was a predetermined script, he spoke in a slow tone.
“I thought even if you found out, you’d choose me.”
The words that flowed from his mouth were in a language he knew, yet were difficult to understand. Haeyoung watched him with deeply furrowed brows.
I thought even if you found out, you’d choose me…. If he had a choice, who was the person standing on the opposite side of him? As Haeyoung interpreted the words whose meaning was unclear, something suddenly came to mind.
I thought you’d choose me.
…Not you, but me.
“You can hit me, Haeyoung-ah.”
At the voice heard in that moment, Haeyoung’s gaze that had been wandering in the air returned to him. Cha Seonwoo, who came into his view, was muttering calmly while looking down at his clenched fist. At that attitude as if it were natural, something rather surged up from inside.
He was annoyed by the attitude that seemed to have no regrets about what he’d done, while easily admitting he’d done wrong. He felt momentarily sad at his words that even in that miserable moment, he thought he wouldn’t give up on him.
“Hit you?”
Haeyoung asked through gritted teeth as if chewing. It was a face he was showing for the first time in front of Seonwoo. A laugh of disbelief finally filled the face that seemed angry and dumbfounded.
“Me, hit you, hyung?”
Before the question was even fully formed, the strength left the fist that had been curled inward. Haeyoung raised his arm just like that and wrapped it around his heated nape. He looked at Seonwoo irritably with his head tilted.
“Don’t say ridiculous things.”
No matter how angry he was, there was a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Not because he was someone he loved, but because he detested using violence out of inability to control his anger. A laugh like a sigh flowed from his mouth.
Since there had been no reason to fight throughout their relationship, he’d never once been truly angry at him. Even when angry, it would dissolve just by seeing his face, so there had never existed a situation where he’d raise his hand in anger. That’s why it was absurd. Just seeing him clench his fist, the words to hit him came out so easily?
“Haeyoung-ah….”
A desperate voice leaked from his twitching mouth. As if to see what he would say, Haeyoung looked up at him with a crooked gaze.
Then, knock knock, the sound of someone knocking on the door from outside was heard. At the sound that cut off the tension flowing between the two, Seonwoo kept his mouth shut without taking his eyes off Haeyoung, and Haeyoung turned his gaze toward the door beyond his shoulder.
“Huh? Are you two in the middle of an important conversation by any chance?”
The person who opened the door and stuck her head in was Soyoon. She looked at the two standing in a strange atmosphere and peered around with a momentarily flustered face.
“…It’s not like that. What’s up?”
Haeyoung slightly raised the corners of his mouth and shook his head. Soyoon quickly shook off her puzzled look and said with a bright smile.
“No~ We decided to open the letters all together, remember? Jaehwi oppa just came back too, so I was thinking we should gather now.”
“Ah, that.”
He let out a low exclamation as if he’d completely forgotten. Haeyoung, who stuck his head out beyond Seonwoo’s shoulder, smiled at her again.
“Got it. I’ll come out right away, Soyoon-ah.”
At his light answer, Soyoon nodded. Soon, Haeyoung, who had been looking at the door that closed with a clicking sound, raised his head. Just as before the sudden interruption broke the silence, Cha Seonwoo was still watching only him.
It was a face that seemed to have something to say. But while curious about what he would say, he simultaneously didn’t want to hear it. Haeyoung had an escape route to run away from this situation right now.
“…Let’s go out for now.”
Haeyoung said, gesturing toward the door with his chin. He simply pushed Seonwoo’s shoulder and walked toward the door, then stopped abruptly.
Ha, fuck…….
A rough wind sound flowed through his tightly closed lips. Haeyoung, who seemed to be pondering for a moment while standing still, soon turned his body. And he moved his steps toward Seonwoo, who was watching him silently.
He strode over and raised his hand to wipe his wet eyes. Not caring that damp moisture came off on his fingertips, he completely wiped away the tears that had been caught on Seonwoo’s eyelashes.
Only then did he turn his body again and head toward the door. Haeyoung, who grabbed the doorknob and opened the door without hesitation, left the room just like that.
