Swoosh, Haeyoung’s face was dark as he stared at the pouring stream of water. Though he’d entered the bathroom to wash up, he just stood there watching the water splash.
‘So it’s okay to cry, Haeyoung-ah.’
Even with the water sound ringing dully in his ears, only that voice lingered.
He’d been confident he wouldn’t cry. He thought he could hold it in, but what was with appearing before his eyes at the very moment he most wanted to break down? A bitter smile hung on Haeyoung’s lips as he recalled Seonwoo’s fingertips that had been frozen cold from waiting for him.
Unlike the outside that had been cold enough to freeze his body, a warm warmth circulated inside the house. That must have been why.
‘Let’s go home first.’
Around the time he was gradually calming down and coming to his senses, Seonwoo had coaxed Haeyoung, who was squirming to escape from his embrace, as if soothing him. Without asking anything more, as if there were no other problems.
At the same time, the strength gradually left the arms that had been holding him tightly. Feeling the warmth moving one step away, Haeyoung raised his hand and lifted the clothes that had been covering his face deeply. The moment the darkness blocking his view was peeled away, the bright light of the bus headlights running from behind Seonwoo’s back swallowed his vision.
Even in that moment, it was probably out of habit that he was most concerned first that he wasn’t even wearing an outer garment. Haeyoung frowned and reached his hand through the flash. The clothes caught on his fingertips were quickly wrapped over Seonwoo’s shoulders.
Even though he said he was fine now, it had only been the day before yesterday that he’d had a fever. His hands were busy covering him with clothes in case he might develop a fever again. The unhesitating touch only fell away weakly after firmly dressing Seonwoo.
‘Why…….’
The voice that came out clearing his clogged throat was miserably sunken. Haeyoung, who had closed his mouth briefly, unfamiliar with the voice he’d produced, soon opened his mouth again.
‘Why do you keep waiting for me, hyung? How did you know when I’d come?’
It was a voice that sounded somewhat cold, but the other person answered without reserve.
‘You’ll come back anytime. You promised that, Haeyoung-ah.’
At the words that returned calmly, Haeyoung had no choice but to close his mouth again. There was no way he could have words to answer. He knew that whisper was premised on the greeting to have a good trip they’d exchanged in the morning.
“Haa….”
Haeyoung, who had been looking at himself reflected in the mirror, let out a long sigh. His face was a complete mess. He belatedly understood the gazes that hadn’t known what to do upon seeing him, as if blatantly advertising that something had happened.
Especially, hadn’t even Kim Minho, who seemed the most oblivious, noticed?
‘Haeyoung! You’re ba…….’
The scene of him excitedly waving his hand as soon as he spotted him, then tilting his head in puzzlement, was vivid. He’d come into the room smiling as if nothing was wrong, not wanting to ruin the peaceful space, but seeing his expression in the mirror, it seemed he hadn’t completely hidden it.
Recalling even that made his already complicated head seem to throb. Haeyoung filled his hands with water and wet his face.
The time he spent standing under the water was long, as his thoughts kept leaking out at every turn. Perhaps because it was late at night, when he came out after washing, the entire house was already quiet.
Haeyoung, who had roughly dried his hair, came out of the dressing room. And as he entered the bedroom, he discovered the room where the lights were still on and paused his steps for a moment. At the same time, Seonwoo, who had been leaning against the bed headboard, raised his head.
The light from the bedside lamp clearly revealed his already delicate features. Cha Seonwoo had been reading a book using that light as illumination. Until he raised his eyes just like that to look at him.
Why was he still awake, was he perhaps waiting for him? Such questions came to mind, but Haeyoung already knew the answer. The sight of him not sleeping first and waiting for him was familiar.
Haeyoung, who had unconsciously avoided his gaze, lost his place to escape at the voice calling his name.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
He lightly lifted the blanket that had been pulled up to his waist. The gesture of simultaneously indicating the spot next to him with his eyes was clearly a signal to come lie down beside him.
Yoon Haeyoung looked at Seonwoo like that, then raised his hand and swept down his face.
“…Hyung.”
The lips that had fallen slowly hesitated and eventually closed again. Though what he wanted to say to him had been piling up for quite a long time, Haeyoung knew that ultimately bringing it out of his mouth would be what made him pathetic.
Why did you do that? Why did you give my dad money? I hated that terribly, but did you meet Dad even after we broke up? …How could you pretend not to know everything in front of me?
How.
He swallowed all those questions without asking them. Only after the uncontrollable waves rushed in did Yoon Haeyoung realize that the castle at his feet he’d been building was a sand castle. The joints of his unconsciously clenched fist protruded sharply.
It was miserable that only the one person he didn’t want to show his collapsed footing to was the one who kept catching him every time. He hated that he’d unknowingly become indebted to him, and he was ashamed of what had happened in places he didn’t know about.
‘……It’s like shit.’
Each time he kept showing unseemly appearances he didn’t want to show, his pride crumbled.
He’d never once tried to maintain his pride in front of Cha Seonwoo. He’d never once in his life been concerned with things like pride or self-esteem. Therefore, it was only after it had already collapsed that he realized there existed a minimum thing he wanted to protect.
Everything was a mess. Yet even in the midst of that, he felt pathetically sad, beyond ridiculous, at himself for not being able to take his eyes off him.
“The camera… you know.”
“It’s okay.”
For some reason, his eyes stung with emotion at the answer that came back. What’s okay? What’s okay about everything for you, hyung?
Nothing was okay. Really nothing. But at the same time, he knew it was also true that he was saying it was okay. Cha Seonwoo would willingly step forward and resolve whatever it was so it wouldn’t become a problem worth his concern. Just as he had done with his father.
“Hmm? Haeyoung-ah.”
The affectionate voice called him again, momentarily revealing anxiety. At that voice, the bridge of his nose stung.
“Come here.”
The slightly tilting head turned toward the empty spot.
It was then that Haeyoung, who had been standing swallowing down all the things he wanted to say with difficulty, moved his feet. He approached without a word, trudging along, and climbed into the empty spot next to Seonwoo.
When Haeyoung climbed onto the bed, Seonwoo familiarly covered him with the blanket. And he put down the book he’d been holding onto the nightstand beside the bed and turned off the lamp. With the darkness that soon arrived, Haeyoung felt the arms pulling him in as if to embrace him.
He didn’t want to think anymore. His head, which had already been overworked for quite a while even before entering the house, had been throbbing. Like the darkness that came with a single switch, Haeyoung wanted to shake off all his worries with just one button.
“Sleep well.”
And the voice heard at that moment flipped the switch for him. Haeyoung, who had awkwardly burrowed into the bed, leaned against the arms embracing him and closed his eyes.
Tears that protruded between his closed eyes descended soundlessly. It was fortunate he’d turned off the lights. Haeyoung buried his head in the texture of the fabric touching his face and hid the moisture crossing his cheeks.
“…You too, hyung.”
At the low answer that flowed out slowly, it seemed like a somewhat powerless laugh could be heard. But before he could distinguish whether that laugh was real or just an auditory hallucination, consciousness receded in one breath. It was a blackout.
***
When he opened his eyes, Haeyoung was lying alone on the bed. Instead, he was lying on the inside of the bed rather than the edge, and it seemed Seonwoo had adjusted his position while leaving.
Haeyoung, who had been rubbing his gritty eyes, eventually raised his body from the bed. Having only washed his face, he left the room and roughly combed his disheveled hair with his hand as he came down the stairs. Coming down to the first floor and entering the dining room out of habit, he saw Soyoon sitting at the table.
“Hi. Did you sleep well?”
When Haeyoung waved his hand lightly in greeting, Soyoon also waved her hand toward him.
“Yeah. Are you okay?”
It was an unexpected counter-question rather than an answer to the question about whether he slept well. However, Haeyoung, who noticed what she was trying to ask, could only nod his head while letting out an awkward laugh. Her usually lively voice was tinged with worry.
Haeyoung went straight to the kitchen, took out a cup, and poured water. Soyoon, who had been watching him drink water, soon spoke as if casually mentioning it.
“Oppa, the refrigerator.”
“…Refrigerator?”
Haeyoung, who had stopped drinking water and pulled his mouth away, put down the cup he was holding. The glass made a short, dull sound as it touched the dark island-style table.
Haeyoung turned his body and opened the refrigerator as Soyoon pointed with her hand. The refrigerator that opened with a clatter was no different from usual. If there was anything different from yesterday, it was only the sandwich at his eye level.
Behind him as he made a puzzled face, Soyoon spoke. Her voice had become a layer lighter than before, and it seemed to carry a hint of laughter.
“That’s yours, oppa.”
“Huh?”
At the unexpected words, Haeyoung quickly turned his head. At the surprise that appeared on his face, Soyoon couldn’t hold back and hung a smile on her lips, giggling.
“The sandwich inside. Dain unnie said to eat it when you wake up, oppa.”
At Soyoon’s words, Haeyoung reached his arm into the refrigerator with a dazed face. And he took out the sandwich plate he’d just seen. The post-it note stuck on the plastic wrap covering the sandwich also caught his eye then.
「Haeyoung-ah, fighting!
p.s. Even if it’s not tasty, pretend it’s delicious」
Writing was written on a post-it note with a leaf drawn in the corner.
Even if he’d seen it without knowing, the round handwriting would have reminded him of Dain. Haeyoung, who had briefly set the plate down on the table, took off only the post-it note stuck on it and looked down at it.
It was cute handwriting, but the heart contained within it wasn’t light. So he had to feel gratitude and at the same time, unavoidable awkwardness.
‘Just how dead did I look when I came in….’
Haeyoung let out an awkward laugh while fiddling with the corners of his mouth. But that wasn’t the end of it.
