“Am I cute?”
At the purely curious question as if that’s what he truly wondered, the beer can in Haeyoung’s hand made a sound of being thinly crushed.
What on earth is this hyung saying? Looking up at Seonwoo while blinking with a flustered face, he slightly furrowed his brow.
“No, that’s not what that saying means—that you’re cute.”
Though you are cute…
Haeyoung swallowed the words he couldn’t spit out and stared up at Seonwoo blankly. He was looking down at him, sending a gaze as if expecting something. At Seonwoo’s appearance, as if welcoming his confusion instead, the dumbfounded Haeyoung once again lost his words.
As the silence lengthened, the corners of the eyes looking at him began to curve slightly, drawing curves. Not knowing where the aggrieved face from just moments ago had gone, seeing him quickly digging in again when shown an opening, Haeyoung let out an empty laugh.
Whenever he saw those eyes that seemed like they would listen to whatever he said, his heart would ripple uncontrollably. In the past, at such moments, he would reach out his hand and pull him toward himself. But now he couldn’t do that, and cold wind poured into his emptied embrace.
Stroking his nape that had somehow stiffened with tension, Haeyoung slowly parted his lips.
“What I want to say is.”
“Yeah.”
“…Don’t worry about useless things. Anyway, the only person I’m concerned about here is you, hyung.”
The words he finally spat out after hesitating were as solid as the heart they contained. As if showing that from a very long time ago, not even for a single moment had it ever changed.
So having brought up those words, Haeyoung wasn’t surprised by what he’d said, nor did he make a troubled face. That’s because they weren’t words he’d unknowingly blurted out unconsciously. He raised his head with a somewhat blank expression while stepping firmly on the line that had been drawn at his feet.
When his gaze rose, the eyes he met somehow held a startled air.
Even though he wouldn’t have been able to hide that he was paying attention to him, Cha Seonwoo raised his eyebrows as if only now finding out. Since he’d openly brought up words to the effect that he was concerned before, making an innocent face was also to some extent a staged scene.
When Haeyoung gave a crooked look, Seonwoo immediately smiled, narrowing his eyes.
“What does that mean?”
…He knows. He must be asking even though he knows what meaning he said it with. When Haeyoung tilted his head somewhat irritably, Seonwoo, who let out a low laugh, stretched out his foot.
Another foot boldly stepped up onto the line Haeyoung was standing on. Unlike Haeyoung who had carefully stepped on it, Seonwoo boldly approached him. And with a face holding back laughter, he called out to him.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
The laughter inevitably seeped out from the voice calling his name. Even while watching Seonwoo approach him and bend down, Haeyoung didn’t step back. Watching Haeyoung who didn’t avoid his gaze as if unwilling to lose, the smile embedded at the corners of Seonwoo’s mouth only deepened further.
“If you don’t answer, I’ll think whatever I want.”
“……”
“Can I look forward to it?”
Seonwoo placed his hand on Haeyoung’s shoulder along with a gentle smile. The fingertips that naturally went up onto his shoulder grasped it as if tickling. At that tickling sensation, Haeyoung, who unknowingly let out a groan, watched Seonwoo, who was smiling while looking at him, crookedly.
In the end, the person who declared surrender first was Haeyoung.
“Maybe because I keep being with you, hyung, I keep forgetting that we broke up.”
Unlike the solid voice from a moment ago, the truth that was plainly spat out was shaking pathetically.
Though he didn’t know since when, he realized that unlike what he’d first resolved, he wasn’t able to push Seonwoo away. Just seeing how his old habits kept popping out when he was with him, he could tell how much he’d let his guard down. Recently, even after becoming conscious that he’d acted that way, far from regret, hadn’t he been listing out this and that excuse?
Looking back at it anew, it was to the point of letting out an empty laugh. However, instead of picking up and swallowing the words he’d spat out, Haeyoung forced himself to pull at the corners of his mouth and looked up at Seonwoo.
“The truth is… I think I want to forget. What should I do?”
Honestly speaking, it wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer. He already knew the appropriate attitude to take after breaking up. However, the boundary between what his head knew and the desire to do as his heart led always blurred when standing before Seonwoo.
“What should I really do, Seonwoo hyung…”
The words that followed had more powerless laughter mixed in than before. At the self-deprecating voice, strength slightly entered the fingertips of Seonwoo’s hand grasping Haeyoung’s shoulder.
“…Haeyoung-ah.”
And when he called him as if whispering. The moment their eyes met in mid-air once again, Haeyoung had no choice but to forget the cold of midwinter.
“Don’t give up on me.”
The words brought out without a bit of hesitation were affectionate and at the same time destructive.
The spring when they broke up was cold, and it rained throughout summer. The autumn that came as if asking when it had been damp all summer was short. Having spent time busy without rest, his insides that had greeted winter without knowing the season had changed were parched dry like fallen leaves on the ground.
So it was natural progression for the spark that fell on his heart that had been dry like leaf fragments for a while to instantly grow in size. His chest kept churning with the smoke that filled his hungry stomach to the brim.
That’s why he unknowingly clenched his fist tightly at Seonwoo’s words telling him not to give up on him. Because his insides became unsettled at the unfamiliar resonance those words conveyed.
“…Give up.”
Haeyoung muttered as if ruminating on the word Seonwoo had spat out.
“Because I can’t.”
At his resolute voice that picked up his muttering, Haeyoung’s gaze wavered. However, the person captured in Haeyoung’s eyes had not a bit of wavering.
Though he looked somewhat impatient, the smile still hanging at his lips rather made Seonwoo look mischievous. When he smiled like this, like a boy, Haeyoung naturally couldn’t help but recall when he’d first met Seonwoo.
The association of memories kept making the emotions of that time surge back to life. Though nothing had gotten in his eyes, Haeyoung unnecessarily rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Then he let out another long sigh. Each time he exhaled, the white breath that spread and Seonwoo’s gaze visible through it were as always vivid.
So Haeyoung couldn’t hide his frustrated heart. A voice filled with sorrow popped out of his mouth.
“Why can’t you? Don’t you have any pride, hyung?”
I dumped you. Even though you looked like you were going to cry, I pretended not to see and just turned around. I shook off every hand you chased after me and grabbed. Swallowing the words he couldn’t spit out, Haeyoung closed his mouth.
Was that all? After breaking up, he changed his contact information and left the house with his belongings without a word. During the time he struggled desperately to remove himself from his life like that, Haeyoung had to think of Seonwoo over and over again. Thinking of him wasn’t difficult. Whenever he had a gap, he was unknowingly thinking thoughts about Seonwoo.
A cold touch reached the lips he’d been unconsciously chewing while lost in thought. Haeyoung flinched in surprise and raised his head. Then Seonwoo, who had suddenly gotten close, nodded with a more resolute face than usual.
“I.”
A low voice flowed out from between his lips that had closed with force then parted. At his unwavering voice, Yoon Haeyoung unknowingly clenched tightly the hand that had almost reached out to him. Cha Seonwoo was the only solid person in a situation where everything was uncertain.
A person who gave a gaze that seemed like it would never change, to the point of wanting to cling to him even after putting down his pride.
“I only need you, Haeyoung-ah.”
The moment he heard those words, Haeyoung couldn’t guess what kind of expression he was making.
It was then that he felt a presence from a distance.
“Haeyoung-ah? Seonwoo hyung?”
At the voice calling him, Haeyoung reflexively turned his head and discovered a shadow approaching the glass door. Even if he hadn’t seen the long silhouette, through the bright voice, he could tell the other person was Minho.
Haeyoung clicked his tongue briefly and turned his head again.
“He seems to have come looking for us.”
“…I guess so.”
Seonwoo’s slow affirmation followed Haeyoung’s words. Looking down at him nodding toward the inside saying let’s go in, Seonwoo nodded. Even while heading inside the room, he didn’t lower the hand he’d placed on Haeyoung’s shoulder.
Just then, Minho, who had been peering in front of the glass door heading to the terrace, discovered the two entering inside.
“What were you two doing outside?”
“You’ll get hurt if you know.”
Toward Minho, who asked with wide eyes, Haeyoung replied playfully. Then he frowned, asking what the two of them did excluding him. Haeyoung, who anticipated it would become troublesome if he evaded further under his interrogation, roughly deflected.
“But why did you call us?”
“Ah, right.”
Minho made an oops face as if he’d almost forgotten and pointed outside the room with his finger.
