Standing in front of the door and holding the doorknob while pondering for a moment, Haeyoung removed the microphone attached inside the knit he was wearing. Then, as soon as he opened the door and entered the room, he placed the removed microphone on the side table beside him. His searching gaze swept through the room, and though the room was bright with all the lights on, the person Haeyoung was looking for wasn’t there.
“…Hyung?”
A somewhat damp voice called for Seonwoo. However, instead of an answer, faint cold air seeping in from the door leading to the terrace reached Haeyoung.
He had a premonition that Cha Seonwoo would be on the terrace, and Haeyoung was confident his intuition wouldn’t be wrong. He approached the glass door, pushed aside the white curtain, and opened it.
And seeing Seonwoo there as expected, Haeyoung felt his heart sink with a thud as if it had fallen from a high place. In the tension that made the back of his neck stiff, he must have unconsciously put strength into the hand holding the beer can. Only after hearing the sound of aluminum crumpling did Haeyoung release the strength from his hand and slowly approached Seonwoo, who was turning to look at him.
“Why did you come out? It’s cold.”
Seonwoo, who turned to look at him, let out a calmly affectionate voice without even making a surprised expression. Just as Haeyoung had been certain that Seonwoo would be here moments ago, it was clear that he too was certain that he would come.
Who’s worrying about whom… Swallowing the words he didn’t say out loud, Haeyoung looked up at Seonwoo. His face captured in his gaze looked quite desolate, but he couldn’t hide the corners of his lips that slightly rose.
Even knowing he had acted as he expected, somehow he didn’t feel angry or amused. Yoon Haeyoung thought he wasn’t the type to be easily swayed by others, but he was also aware that this didn’t work well in front of Cha Seonwoo. Being helplessly swayed by him and shaken without being able to get a grip was because his heart was that big.
He had no choice but to admit it.
Haeyoung opened his mouth as if murmuring.
“You seem happy that I came out.”
“…No.”
“Really not?”
“……”
I knew it would be like this. Seeing Seonwoo unable to answer and only wearing a faint ambiguous smile, Haeyoung swallowed a sigh.
Perhaps because he was getting tipsy from just a few sips of beer, it felt like a hot fire had been lit in his body. However, strictly speaking, today was the last day of December. Even if the wind didn’t blow, it was weather where the already coldly frozen air scraped past the skin. On such a winter night, seeing Seonwoo who came out in his home wear without even putting on outerwear, Yoon Haeyoung reached out his hand.
Warmth gradually seeped into Seonwoo’s gaze as he took in Haeyoung wrapping his outerwear that had been draped over his arm around him. The Haeyoung he knew would immediately make a stiff face and lower the corners of his lips when there was something to feel sorry about. Seeing him silently helping him into clothes with his lips pulled down, he couldn’t help but notice that inside he was flustered.
“What are you going to do if you catch a cold coming out dressed so lightly?”
“You wear it. What are you going to do if you catch a cold?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t make hyung take responsibility. And when hyung has that kind of face, what am I supposed to do?”
Haeyoung lowered his hand from Seonwoo’s shoulder while firmly suppressing the surging feelings.
“Should I pretend not to know when it looks like you’re crying alone?”
Though he was the one throwing blunt words, Yoon Haeyoung took the full hit of the stone he’d thrown.
At some point, the anxiety that had been clumping up inside gradually grew in size, and now it felt like it was crawling up his throat wanting to go outside. Because he felt he knew the name of that anxiety, Haeyoung couldn’t bring it out of his mouth and swallowed it.
Wouldn’t the affection that was there be falling away by now? Haeyoung didn’t have the confidence to be okay seeing Seonwoo going on dates with other people, smiling and having conversations, so he deliberately didn’t look and tried not to think about it. However, Cha Seonwoo repeatedly appeared before him like that and showed him the appearance he didn’t want to show. Perhaps… Haeyoung thought he might be the one being punished.
Because even in those moments, he treated him affectionately like before.
“Will you stay by my side if I cry?”
“Just try crying.”
Seonwoo, who had been slightly drawing out his words, laughed with a suppressed voice at the sharp voice that came back immediately. Even while watching him laugh, Haeyoung couldn’t easily calm the anxiety inside. Because he knew that wasn’t a purely pleasant laugh.
His appearance nodding with his gaze lowered had a lonely light even under the moonlight.
“Did you have fun on your date, Haeyoung-ah?”
“…Why are you suddenly asking that?”
“You even took pictures affectionately.”
“That’s.”
Haeyoung urgently swallowed the words he was about to say with a frustrated heart. Though he wanted to make excuses and wanted to refute, he knew he couldn’t do that right now. What was important wasn’t what kind of heart he went with. Going on a date with another person for whatever reason, that was the core of the problem.
However, as long as he had decided to appear on the program, it couldn’t be helped. Therefore, Yoon Haeyoung had been desperately acting to not even recall Seonwoo’s dates during this time. The method Haeyoung chose was avoidance. Because once he became conscious of the fact that he went on dates with other people, it was clear he wouldn’t be able to easily cut off his concern.
From Haeyoung’s mouth, who had firmly pressed down and swallowed the things he wanted to say, a locked voice leaked out.
“What’s affectionate about it? We really just hung out like friends.”
“Friends?”
“Yes, friends.”
“How do you know if you’ll be friends in the future too, Haeyoung-ah? You’re too… you have no sense of caution.”
What is he saying? Haeyoung, who had been looking up at Seonwoo with the feeling of talking to a wall, opened his mouth with an absurd expression. He felt like he was going to die from frustration. There was only one person here who endlessly broke down his sense of caution.
Cha Seonwoo. At the fact that the very person was telling him he had no sense of caution, Haeyoung was on the verge of letting out a hollow laugh.
Haeyoung, who had been having a staring contest with him for a moment, finally brought the beer can he was holding to his lips. While he poured all the remaining contents into his mouth, Seonwoo seemed to say something but it wasn’t properly heard.
Crunch, gripping tightly the beer can crumpling in his hand, Haeyoung wiped his lips with his other hand.
“Hyung, I’ll only say this once so listen properly. I can’t date other people.”
At the assertion that flowed out as if it were obvious, Seonwoo tilted his head crookedly.
“How can you be sure?”
“Ah, seriously.”
Haeyoung slightly frowned. It was a question pointing out the credibility of his statement. He covered his cheeks that had become hot from the alcohol rising with the back of his hand while staring at him piercingly.
However, that was only for a moment.
“But for me, it has to be you.”
The lonely voice pierced coldly into Haeyoung’s heart like the winter wind.
Suddenly the words he’d said to wake up if he was thinking of meeting other people came back to life in his head. In the moment when past and present crossed, Haeyoung had no choice but to realize that the affection he conveyed hadn’t changed at all from before.
Cha Seonwoo consistently spoke leaving open the possibility of him dating other people. At the attitude that seemed to presume that the only thing he could cling to was himself, Yoon Haeyoung was now beyond bewildered and gradually reaching the point of feeling wronged.
Then does someone think they can meet other people besides him? Who’s the one who really wants to cling?
Though it was just one can of beer, perhaps because he drank it too hastily, a hot intoxication quickly rose from within. He didn’t know if the surging feeling of injustice was just due to the alcohol or sincere. The only thing he could be certain of was that Cha Seonwoo was speaking based on a wrong premise from the start.
What was wrong had to be corrected before moving on. Haeyoung released the strength from his eyes that had been glaring at Seonwoo.
“How could I meet other people after dating you? Would anyone measure up? Sorry, but hyung also blocked the marriage path for one perfectly good man, so let’s reach an appropriate compromise.”
“Then wouldn’t it be okay if two men whose marriage paths are blocked just get married?”
“……”
Haeyoung, whose words were blocked, hurriedly closed his mouth that had been open. Because he was in a state of diminished mental and physical capacity due to alcohol intake, he had almost fallen for Seonwoo’s logic.
He’d never thought of himself as a personality that was easily swayed by others, but when together with Seonwoo, he was often easily persuaded by his words without even being conscious of it. To be precise, it was closer to being captivated by non-verbal elements rather than words, but in any case, Cha Seonwoo had a talent for persuading people.
So if he didn’t come to his senses, he might just nod his head saying let’s just act crazy. Anyway, if he pretended not to know and kept him by his side, wouldn’t the person who’d lose more be Cha Seonwoo and not himself?
“Ha…”
And in the end, that was the problem. A light sigh expelled from Haeyoung’s mouth along with his breath scattered hazily in the air. He felt bitter knowing there was a problem in his relationship with Seonwoo that couldn’t be ignored, yet wanting to cling to him pretending not to know.
When he slightly raised his head, he could see Seonwoo looking at him affectionately with a gaze full of moisture. Tender feelings naturally arose at that face. So Haeyoung opened his mouth as if grumbling playfully, pretending to be nonchalant.
“Hyung, were you originally such a shameless person? How did you charmingly deceive me for 5 years?”
However, Seonwoo, who had been wearing a gloomy face with tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, immediately widened his eyes at those words.
