“I’m sorry. This doesn’t seem like something I should have heard this way… But I don’t want to be someone who looks at Muyoung-ssi with pity.”
“Ah, no. It’s not something I was hiding anyway.”
Rather, those words were unexpected to Muyoung. He knew the world’s gaze looking at his circumstances too well. A person who grew up as an orphan in an orphanage, desperately studied thanks to which he went to college on a scholarship, and was lucky enough to be cast and work as an actor.
He couldn’t say he was happy, but it wasn’t a life where only particularly unfortunate things happened either. But when he talked about growing up in an orphanage, there was always a certain look that came back.
One filled with compassion like charity, seeing someone greatly lacking in something.
CEO Choi who now called him family, and Section Manager Kim who always worried about him. Even Yu Jinho, whom he considered the only person in his life, was always like that after hearing about his circumstances. To them who looked at him with eyes saying they had to share something of theirs right away and pitied him for having suffered, he had nothing to say except that he was okay.
Perhaps that was what looking at him with pity was, without them even knowing.
“Make sure to take good care of what I gave you today. When living alone, eating well is the most important thing.”
Perhaps that’s why laughter burst out at the boast casually thrown out. Even while showing his laughter, Muyoung felt awkward that he couldn’t easily make an indifferent face.
“You even know how to take credit for what you gave.”
“Of course I should. I get to take maximum credit, see Muyoung-ssi, and make an impression as such an impressive person—isn’t that a complete gain?”
“You said it all.”
“This is my mistake.”
The face that grinned broadly saying “You’re supposed to just pretend not to know about this” was refreshingly pleasant unlike before. From the first time they met, he’d felt like he was being chased somehow, so it was strange that he was sitting face to face like this in his own house now. Did the gift offensive work well on him too? Muyoung smiled awkwardly following Dowon with these frivolous thoughts.
“The coffee and snacks you sent, the staff and I enjoyed them well. I’ll gratefully accept the gift too.”
“The photo came out well. Of course, the real thing is better.”
The conversation he had with him was not bad, to the extent that he now automatically smiled at such words. But he himself wasn’t someone with a sound mind. Although he’d look no different from others on the outside, someday he might be completely broken somewhere and have to disappear from the world… No, he was someone who would disappear from the world. It was better to wrap up this kind of relationship before it was too late.
“But my thoughts haven’t changed. I don’t know why you’re doing this, CEO-nim… I’m not such a great person and I don’t have the capacity to meet anyone.”
“I guess it would be shameless of me to hope Muyoung-ssi would fall for me with just one coffee truck.”
“That’s, I don’t mean it like that…”
Looking at Muyoung whose large eyes were starting to droop as if troubled, Dowon asked with a smiling face while properly meeting his gaze.
“We still don’t know each other well yet.”
“……”
“Of course, I hope you haven’t heard the stories about me floating around the industry. Because I want to look good to Lee Muyoung-ssi.”
“No, such… there were no bad stories about you, CEO-nim.”
At his flustered expression waving his hands, Dowon became troubled instead this time. Muyoung still couldn’t hide his signs of finding Dowon difficult, even though he could relax a bit more, and he couldn’t treat him coldly either.
“Then I’ll have to work harder. I worked quite hard at my job, but I guess that’s not enough. Seeing how you’re still so tense.”
“Ah…”
It’s a joke, so don’t be too nervous. At the voice murmuring lowly, Muyoung’s shoulders relaxed a little. Was he tense? He thought he was doing a bit better than Saturday since it was his own house, but it seemed that wasn’t the case in Dowon’s eyes either.
“It’s been too long since I had a guest at my house.”
“Mm, I was going to happily believe it if you lied and said it was the first time. Well, I like that needlessly honest point too.”
“…CEO-nim.”
Did he read the difficulty heavily laden in the call that came out like a lament? Dowon nodded his head saying he was sorry. Of course, without hiding his smile either. Would there ever come a day when he’d get used to this person’s joke-mixed speech?
Muyoung picked up the teacup on the table and moistened his lips. He took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled to calm his mind and looked at the other person. The eyes that had been making him conscious from the moment they entered the house were looking at him without distraction. Perhaps he should have refused like this from the moment they met.
“Let’s talk.”
“I’m grateful that you said you liked me. But I’m not charming enough to satisfy you, CEO-nim, and my traits are… quite weak. There’s nothing to gain from a relationship with me. Right now, I don’t have the leisure to be with anyone either. I’m grateful, but it’s difficult to have that kind of… relationship with you, CEO-nim.”
Muyoung tried to make the words he was slowly letting out appear as calm as possible. Except for hiding that his traits were completely breaking down, this was his honest heart. He didn’t want to leave any lingering attachment anywhere.
“What kind of relationship is that?”
“Pardon?”
“Lovers? Spouses? Or… sex partners?”
“CEO Han.”
The atmosphere that had been comfortable until now turned cold in an instant.
Dowon’s firm fingertips that had been tapping the table while Muyoung’s words continued stopped and were motionless for a moment. Just as he was blankly enduring the flowing silence, Dowon suddenly firmly grasped Muyoung’s hand that was holding the cup.
“Tell me. What were you imagining?”
“…Please let go of my hand. It’s not like that… I’m just uncomfortable with you approaching me like this…”
Flinching, he tried to twist his hand while barely calming his jumping body. It was strange that although it was held so strongly he couldn’t budge it, it didn’t feel forceful. Yet he absolutely couldn’t pull his hand out of Dowon’s grasp.
“Uncomfortable. What else?”
“…I’m not confident in this relationship.”
In the end, a self-deprecating answer came from Muyoung’s mouth. Dowon’s stubborn attitude that hadn’t been visible when listening to polite explanations played a part. What came out from the pressure that pushed him strongly and harshly into a corner was only that.
He wasn’t confident. The fact that he’d been abandoned even by the person he wanted to shake off his life and give everything to still remained painfully inside Muyoung. Meeting another person after the ending he’d forcibly chosen wasn’t in his options. There were various fine-sounding words, but that was all he could barely spit out.
He wasn’t confident he could be by the side of such an impressive person.
“Then let’s do it like this.”
“……”
Dowon, who obediently let go of Muyoung’s hand that had been holding his breath unable to meet the gaze that wouldn’t leave his face, brought both hands together on the table. Looking at the fingertips of the man who’d been holding him until just now, Muyoung gulped without realizing it.
“Let’s try meeting just ten times from now on.”
“…I’m right now.”
“Even then, if Lee Muyoung-ssi says he doesn’t want to meet, I’ll cleanly back off. We can write a contract and get it notarized if you want. How about it?”
“…A contract?”
“Since you won’t trust me right away. If you don’t feel like meeting me even until the end, I’m also considering compensation for the time and consideration Muyoung-ssi provided during that time.”
It was words with an almost tragic resolve added to the suggestion to try having meetings. Muyoung momentarily tried to get upset asking if he was trying to buy a person with money, but he swallowed the question inside at Dowon’s serious face. It was a somewhat fishy proposal, but no other ulterior motive was visible in Dowon’s attitude and expression.
“No, not that much… I, I…”
Barely forcing the words he couldn’t follow into his head, Muyoung bit his lips. He didn’t know what to do in this sudden situation.
He recalled the past days when he curled up on the sofa trying to sleep in the house with no commonly heard noise. Days when the clock inside him that moved for life had completely stopped.
He’d mocked himself saying if he’d known that losing someone would be such an empty and hollow result, he’d never be greedy again. While comforting himself that all things must be accepted since he chose them himself, he’d also questioned countless times why everything had to be suddenly taken from him like this. Of course, there was no answer coming back.
Because of that, sitting face to face with a man having this consuming argument didn’t feel real. The tea gently wafting a pleasant scent, along with the bouquet obediently placed in one corner of the kitchen. The support overflowing with goodwill that had made the atmosphere at the filming location soft all day today. And the meeting with a man who obviously waited until he who hadn’t been contacted came home.
…About ten times would be okay to meet, wouldn’t it? If he treated him well for that much too, wouldn’t it be okay? Then wouldn’t the empty places be filled a little?
“Ten times. If Muyoung-ssi dislikes it, I absolutely won’t request more.”
“……”
Muyoung, who was biting his lower lip again, gathered his carelessly placed hands. His hand back that usually just got cold was warmly wrapped by his palm. The grip that had held him strongly and wouldn’t let go until just now was still vivid. The warmth shared by the man sitting in front of him. The attention from another person that he couldn’t get alone. Being greedy for this much… wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
Unlike Dowon who was waiting intently for an answer, Muyoung’s lips that had been trembling anxiously the whole time opened.
“What… should I do?”
From somewhere, a loud click of a second hand engaging was heard.
* * *
