Even Jinho had once advised that for actor life, it would rather be more comfortable to live pretending to be a beta. Saying that since they were imprinted, wouldn’t it rather be more convenient to hide his trait? Muyoung himself thought so too. In fact, except for time spent with Jinho, he couldn’t sense other trait holders’ pheromones, and the only pheromones he sensed were Jinho’s pheromones. The difference from before manifestation was just about the extent that Jinho was by his side.
Since the fact of being an omega was tangibly felt only when he was with Jinho, pretending to be a beta wasn’t difficult either. There were no inconveniences except for regular reports, and in fact, he had never considered regular reports particularly inconvenient either. Rather, while dating like that as a couple, he had secretly dreamed that it would be right to get married before reporting the imprint.
Never anticipating he would be left alone like this.
Normally, he would have taken care of regular reports properly out of fear that some troublesome thing might happen to Jinho or himself. It seemed his condition was bad enough to even forget work he should do. Since he couldn’t reverse what the trait agency had already notified, his heart leaned toward talking to Section Manager Kim in advance and clearing his schedule for that day.
Rather than not doing troublesome work, there was also the method of telling CEO Choi, who knew about his trait, the truth as it was, but he thought it wasn’t something to reveal even to him yet. Talking about everything should be after he organized his surroundings just a little more.
After organizing the mail and even finishing his shower, Muyoung slowly buried his body in the sofa. Suddenly thinking he shouldn’t forget the schedule to meet the matched person, he picked up his phone that had been placed beside the sofa. After finishing setting the alarm, he habitually opened messenger. CEO Choi-nim, Section Manager Kim-nim, Hoon Entertainment, Drama Success Prayer…… He pressed on the familiar name located at the very bottom among the chat rooms that were only three or four at most.
When had he sensed the crisis?
Moving his legs that didn’t have much strength and sitting crouched, Muyoung thought while continuing to scroll up the messenger screen he had exchanged with Jinho. Come to think of it, all the events might have been crises. Breathing in lightly, he instinctively curled up his body at the pain felt deep in his chest.
> Jinho sunbae
> I’ll come pick you up in front of your house on Saturday.
> Yes, I’ll be waiting.
> You’re very busy, right? Cheer up today too and take care of your meals
> April 5, 20XX, Saturday
> Jinho sunbae
> I’m at the underground parking lot soon, come down.
> I’ll be right there.
The evening appointment on the day he was notified of the breakup several months ago was the last of their messenger conversations. Above that were traces he couldn’t delete. The array of old messages sharply scratched at the present where he was alone.
The day they had their last meal. The road coming home was very long. He didn’t even know what state of mind he came in with. The next day after he barely went to sleep and woke up, a text had come from Jinho’s secretary.
> 20XX.4.17 pm 16:00 procedure scheduled, please contact immediately if same reservation needed.
As soon as he saw the text, he ran to the bathroom with rising nausea and held the toilet for a long time, emptying his stomach. It would have been better if he had eaten something, but all that came out from his turning insides was thin gastric fluid.
After barely rinsing his mouth and going out, he called him again several times with trembling hands. But each time he called, he had to repeatedly hear only the automated voice saying it was a nonexistent number. He could tell it was a relationship that couldn’t be reached anymore, completely severed.
From when had he been preparing? Was there a need to be this heartless? Did he think he would act pathetically?
The time Muyoung had been with Jinho was a full seven years. It wasn’t a time he could be indifferent about. Even now, in the photo album locked with a password, there were photos to reminisce about. But after the last day he saw him, he couldn’t dare bring himself to open it. Even that was painful now.
If he opened the photo album and impulsively acted pathetically and rashly contacted him, he was afraid because his own appearance that would torment Jinho was too obvious. To someone he had wanted to show only good sides, acting disgracefully or clinging while crying—such a self.
Just imagining it was difficult for Muyoung. It was okay to show an unseemly appearance in front of strangers. Because he could call it acting. However, to the person who had seen him closest for a long time, to act unseemlily…… he couldn’t be that kind of person.
‘How many years was it? Let’s consider our obligation fulfilled for the time we spent together.’
What kind of obligation did he think of? On the procedure date the secretary informed him of instead, he went up to the familiar trait hospital but couldn’t enter and returned. He only realized after returning home that his lips he had chewed on from anxiety had become ragged.
Now he rather felt fortunate he hadn’t revealed even that insufficient and desperate bottom of his to him. Did this also count as obligation?
‘I thought about it well and decided, so I trust you won’t do anything foolish.’
It wasn’t that he had walked to the hospital to cling to and obsess over Jinho until the end. It was just that the only hospital he knew as a trait specialized hospital was that place they had first visited together. He could have found other places if he looked, but at that time he couldn’t think of anything and spent time without any measures. He absolutely couldn’t receive the imprint removal procedure that should have been done at the notified time.
The heat cycle, the period of heat that could have been considered inconvenient after manifesting as an omega. He had been consoled that it was something that allowed them to focus only on each other through the changes in his unfamiliar constitution. He considered that mindset too a blessing he could feel because the person Jinho existed.
‘I think it’s been over a year since we stopped spending our cycles together.’
He still vividly recalled that time when he imprinted with Jinho.
It was a moment that couldn’t all be explained with words. That feeling where some part of himself that was distant and deep, most intimate and important, was firmly intertwined with the person in front of his eyes. The proof of the belief that the feelings he had secretly cherished alone were conveyed to Jinho and that Jinho also thought of him preciously. The fulfillment that his fingertips, toes weren’t enough and even each strand of hair was filled with satisfaction and that he belonged to Jinho. That instant when he thought whether this was the sense of two souls being bound to each other at once.
He couldn’t receive the procedure that would completely eliminate such an imprint.
After the day he returned from in front of the hospital without doing or seeing anything, he started hurting recklessly. He couldn’t come to his senses with pain that couldn’t distinguish whether the painful part was his chest or inside his stomach. There were times when it reached the point of vomiting or his vision becoming hazy. After barely enduring, he could barely breathe.
Only then did he realize the choice he had made was a terribly unseemly choice, but it couldn’t be reversed. Rather, the foolish thought even arose that if some trace remained forever as a side effect of imprinting, wouldn’t the empty space he left be a little less? After going this far, it was fortunate he hadn’t shown his appearance in front of Jinho.
‘If you need help, I’ll give you a separate contact. You can talk to them.’
‘Right, you’re strong and smart, so you’ll do well going forward too.’
‘It’s good that you listened calmly. Thank you for everything until now. I’ll get up first.’
The beginning was his feelings alone anyway. Even at the moment they had a relationship and imprinted because of manifestation with the person he had one-sidedly loved, his apologetic feelings for getting him caught up in an accident were big. On the other hand, there was definitely also elation at being connected together. So he was faithful to all the time they spent together as lovers. He liked conveying his heart to him and cherishing him.
Yet he was anxious. Muyoung knew his dual feelings. Compared to Jinho, a promising alpha who grew up soundly in a good family, it was obvious how he, a recessive omega struggling to establish himself as an actor, would be compared in society. He wanted to be a lover who wasn’t lacking to be by his side.
He thought relationships became solid with such effort. Because he knew well that if one side left, it would be the end.
Should he cling? Should he say let’s just be together no matter what? Even at the moment he thought like this, he knew the fact that he couldn’t force it recklessly. Muyoung, who had already experienced it, knew too well that it was unreasonable to completely entrust himself to him, an outsider, in this world where he was abandoned even by family.
The window he carelessly turned his eyes to was filled with hopeless darkness. Normally it would have been a time to at least call Jinho. No, perhaps by now they might have met at home and had a glass of wine. Since it was work that wouldn’t come true no matter how much he hoped now, even such speculation became ridiculous.
He thought the person named Yu Jinho hadn’t been a bad lover to Muyoung. He was lucky to have accidentally held onto a person he couldn’t aspire to from the beginning. So for that person, the past days might be a loss. He tried his best to be as faithful as possible, but it was painful that he, wanting to be with him, appeared insufficient, so he acted hard and worked.
Nevertheless, because he was sentenced to a breakup, he didn’t know what more he should do. Could even the severe pain of the body that surged sometimes be compared to the disappearance of the person who had occupied all of his life? If the price that the person who harbored feelings must carry was such pain, should it be paid?
‘If you remove it as you please and don’t even notify them, isn’t the remaining side told to die? That person is sick and dying too.’
The words of Section Manager Kim who had grumbled while having dinner suddenly came to mind. In that sense, Jinho had at least notified him when he was planning to process the imprint removal, so maybe it wasn’t so bad.
No, he didn’t know. He couldn’t know anything. Whether breakups came rushing like an accident like this. Whether it was right for relationships to naturally break off when one person left. Whether he, who only received notification of the breakup, had really been calm. In the midst of it all, even though he didn’t have the courage to hold on more at Jinho’s appearance pleased by that, whether it was normal to keep recalling that moment and suffering. He couldn’t know anything.
University life, club activities, harboring someone in his heart, overlapping bodies with that person, confirming hearts, getting imprinted and then having it removed—all these things. It repeatedly felt creepy as if it happened just yesterday, then felt like an incomprehensibly distant thing. And himself floundering in thoughts that didn’t cease while repeatedly ruminating, himself who didn’t understand the current situation well, seemed like someone very lacking somewhere.
‘They should just date well and break up cleanly. To go and imprint……’
He breathed out while stretching his crouched body long on the sofa. How did they meet? How did he join the club? How did he covet that person? How did they imprint? He barely stopped the thoughts digging in endlessly when another pain came rushing.
