“I know, I know… our Executive Director Choi, I know you’re an utterly faithful person. I’m not teasing, I’m serious.”
The face of President Lim Moojin, always mischievous and playful, was endlessly serious. Wookyung looked into his eyes without a word.
“Why… it’s a common and embarrassing saying, but they say love is forgotten by another love.”
“……”
“How long will you cling to time that’s flowed past. You’re too precious for that, Wookyung.”
A rough yet affectionate voice touched Wookyung’s ear. President Lim was sometimes like an older brother, sometimes like a father. Knowing well his heart when he occasionally called him by name instead of his title like this, Wookyung smiled weakly.
“Thank you for worrying about me, President.”
“Right. Then just trust me once, I’ll really introduce you to a good person….”
“However.”
A firm and heavy voice rarely cut off President Lim’s words.
“My love… won’t be forgotten or covered by another love. He’s not a child who can be.”
“……”
“I… would rather slowly wither and die while missing that child for life… submerged in that memory.”
Speaking as if sighing while gazing at President Lim, his quiet eyes had an air like a beast crouching inside a cave. It was a clear warning not to cross the line any further.
“So I’d appreciate it if you, President, would also no longer speak about that child.”
“…Wookyung.”
“Tomorrow is that child’s death anniversary. I need to go in early, so how about we finish up to here and wrap up.”
Filling his glass with the liquor that remained about one glass in the bottle with a courteous gesture, Wookyung finished his words. It was a quiet yet firm message not to bring up any more talk about him. As the same man, and as the same alpha, President Lim accepted without any feeling of resentment the fierce air Wookyung displayed. President Lim, who had been staring at Wookyung with fiery eyes for a moment, soon nodded and threw the last liquor glass into his mouth.
*
With a click, the car’s back door opened.
In Wookyung’s hand as he got out of the door Secretary Kim opened for him was a large bouquet of flowers. The type of flowers changed each time. Sometimes it was tulips with large petals holding moisture, sometimes he came with a bouquet of yellow freesias, and sometimes he came with blue, white, or sometimes bright red roses.
Carefully setting down the bouquet in front of the grave, Wookyung sat down unceremoniously with a plop. Secretary Kim hurriedly followed and took off his jacket to lay it on the ground, but Wookyung shook his head. He picked up the jacket again and handed it to Secretary Kim. At the gesture dismissing him to go away, Secretary Kim left for a moment.
“Ido… I came.”
Though it had been three years since that child died, he didn’t only visit this place on the death anniversary. He came on Wookyung’s birthday, on Ido’s birthday, when he just missed him, and when his heart was heavy. That’s why he’d already come several times, changing and bringing flowers.
“I don’t know… what flowers you like. I’m sorry they change every time.”
Wookyung, who made an effort to show a dry smile, reached out his hand and gently stroked the gravestone. It was a touch as endlessly warm and careful as the gaze looking at the gravestone.
“If I’d known in advance, every week… no, every day I’d bring only those flowers.”
It seemed like a face would appear, saying “every day, what an exaggeration,” laughing playfully. That child’s smile, displayed so brightly on his white face it looked beautiful. Wookyung bit his teeth so hard the angular muscles in his jaw bulged.
“It’s not a joke. It’s real. …If I could just see you, I’d even live right here.”
The voice trying hard to speak in a joking tone trembles pitifully. The vast sense of distance between life and death keeps filling his chest with stuffiness. What returns to the playful words thrown to try to ignore that sense of distance is only the realization of the fact that that child is absent. The owner of the voice that always laughed at Wookyung’s playful voice no longer exists in this world.
The resolution he’d made countless times not to show weakness crumbles like a sandcastle swept away by a giant wave.
“…Ido. I… still can’t believe you’re gone.”
The resolution not to cry alone while pathetically spouting words steeped in sentiment suddenly felt futile. Wasn’t this a place he came to reminisce about him? Wasn’t it a place he came to freely say what he wanted to say to him? When it felt like he’d die if he didn’t do this, what did a few drops of tears matter?
“That’s why every time, I hesitate dozens of times before coming here. Because every time I… come to see you like this, it feels like I’m accepting that you really aren’t in this world.”
The seemingly futile one-sided voice crashes against his neatly arranged grave and shatters into pieces. He bites his teeth hard and hides the groan boiling inside his throat. He didn’t want to show a figure consumed by anger and despair in front of Ido anymore. However, his heart kept crumbling again and again.
“Ido. I… even if I do futile things like this every year, it’s okay… so somewhere, can’t you just stay alive? Even if we never meet for our whole lives….”
It’s a preposterous thing to say. Because the ring and clothes he received as keepsakes are still preciously kept in his drawer. Though it was a foolish wish, once he’d uttered it outside his mouth, it became a hope as small as a thin thread.
However, Wookyung shook his head. Because he knew it couldn’t be. Wookyung smiled futilely and lowered his gaze to look at the toe of the shoes he’d worn neatly.
“…No. Never meeting for life—I really have no confidence in that after all. Even now like this… I miss you. What should I do with this greed, Ido?”
Futilely overturning what he’d said, Wookyung finally let out a hollow laugh.
Soon after, he slowly raised his body. Though he hadn’t wailed and cried out loud during the hour or so he sat blankly in front of the gravestone, strangely his whole body was soaked in a sense of exhaustion like someone who’d fallen in water. Watching him walk out trudging like a defeated soldier, Secretary Kim held his breath.
“…Executive Director.”
Looking at Wookyung’s face shadowed darkly, Secretary Kim cautiously spoke.
“Tomorrow… I scheduled a hospital appointment, will you perhaps go?”
“Did you make a reservation?”
He’d never said he’d visit again. Secretary Kim bowed his head deeply.
“…Yes. You were told to come in after a week, and looking at your schedule, there’s nothing particular after 6 o’clock tomorrow… I’m sorry for doing it on my own authority. It just happened that Friday has evening appointments too….”
“What’s there to be sorry about?”
Though it was unexpected that he’d scheduled it without confirmation, he was a grateful guy who didn’t care about anything for his health. And, that doctor’s medicine was at least the best among the medicines he’d taken recently. Because he could sleep for even two hours a day. That’s why he couldn’t resent Secretary Kim for making the reservation on his own. Wookyung nodded without saying anything particular.
“If I go, I’ll go on my own after getting off work tomorrow. Secretary Kim, rest.”
“Understood. Oh, and….”
Seeing him hesitate, it seemed there was one more matter to handle. Wookyung asked what it was without much thought.
“…That… the endocrinology department.”
“That’s enough.”
The voice cutting it off sharply was rough. This man always became indifferent whenever the topic of pheromones came up and didn’t hide his air of annoyance.
“I’m grateful you’re concerned, but you don’t need to worry about my pheromones. What’s the big deal if they’ve changed a bit?”
“…Understood.”
His pheromones, which had smelled like dry grass under the sun, had gradually lost their warm quality since three years ago and changed to become heavy enough to be poisonous. The pheromones, which strangely shared the same texture as the dark shadow cast on his face, resembled the scent of sandalwood.
Pheromones changing meant an abnormality in the body, and there was no way it didn’t involve accompanying pain. Even the insomnia might have originated from there.
However, Wookyung didn’t even care about his changed pheromones. Despite his words that he had no intention of meeting anyone anyway, so why should he care about useless pheromones, Secretary Kim tried to persuade him several times by bringing up health concerns. However, each time, only the same cold reaction like now came back.
Letting out a dry sigh internally, Secretary Kim silently opened the back seat door. From the scar carved on the face of his long-time superior silently getting into the car, somehow his gaze wouldn’t fall away. The scar on Wookyung’s mouth, drawn long, was still carved in that place as if reproaching him.
*
Contrary to Hyunjin’s expectation that he’d assumed wouldn’t come, the dominant alpha man came to the hospital again a week later. Friday at eight o’clock when there was evening clinic—he was the last patient.
Come to think of it, the man had come in as the last patient last time too. Thinking about where he’d go after work, Hyunjin greeted the man in good spirits. Even though he normally abhorred manifested individuals and was reluctant to treat them, today his elevated mood remained unaffected.
“Welcome. How was the medication I prescribed last time? Did it work for you?”
“Yes. Thanks to it, I got some sleep.”
The man’s voice was still rough, but his complexion didn’t look as unstable as when he’d first seen him. His defensive attitude had also softened considerably. It seemed he was ready to establish some degree of therapeutic relationship. Hyunjin wore a business-like smile as he pulled out the questionnaire and results the man had filled out previously. He held the results upside down so it faced the man’s line of sight, flipped the paper with a flutter, and began explaining in a calm voice.
“Let’s see… First, let me explain a bit. If you look here, it says ‘sleep onset disorder,’ which means it takes more than 30 minutes to fall asleep and you have difficulty entering sleep. Sleep maintenance disorder refers to when you can’t maintain the sleep you’ve struggled to achieve and keep waking up. In your case, Mr. Choi Wookyung, you’re considered to have both. That’s why I prescribed medication that helps you fall asleep quickly, and also helps maintain that sleep a bit longer.”
The ballpoint pen Hyunjin was holding underlined the words written on the explanation sheet. The man silently nodded and listened attentively to his explanation.
