On the surface, Cha Jeonghan lacked nothing. Face-wise, face, height-wise, height, plus good proportions and a good body, so everyone envied or liked that Cha Jeonghan. Even people who disliked Cha Jeonghan had interest underlying it. But Cha Jeonghan always acted like he was empty. He spoke and acted like a person whose heart wasn’t filled at all.
Cha Jeonghan didn’t give interest to anyone. He wasn’t curious about others’ affairs and didn’t care. He didn’t like socializing either, and found it extremely bothersome to have to care about the other person’s mood or feelings.
‘There’s no need to be nice to others. Even if you’re nice, the end will be betrayal anyway.’
I was surprised by the empty voice speaking as if it were so obvious, but I kept worrying about it. I’d never been curious about Cha Jeonghan’s personal circumstances, but after hearing those words, I became a little curious. But I didn’t ask, worried that my asking might hurt Cha Jeonghan.
One day in June when the rainy season started, someone stole my umbrella, so sharing Cha Jeonghan’s umbrella we ran toward home but couldn’t go on, so we entered a nearby shopping area to take shelter from the rain. With the clamorous sound of rain, there were no people and everyone had gone inside stores, so the shopping area entrance was very quiet and humid. The school uniform shirt, more than half wet, clung to my skin, damp and sticky. My sneakers were all wet too, and water dripped from the bottom of my pants. I roughly touched my wet hair and looked at Cha Jeonghan. Cha Jeonghan was soaked much more than me.
‘If someone saw, they’d think you didn’t use an umbrella.’
Speaking like a joke, I really thought it seemed like he hadn’t used an umbrella. Looking at how I was definitely less wet, there was a possibility Cha Jeonghan had tilted the umbrella more toward my side. Cha Jeonghan neither made a show of it nor said it wasn’t true, just looked outside at the rain.
‘Why are you nice to me? If you think the end will be betrayal anyway… don’t you think that about me too?’
I was worried that rain would pool in Cha Jeonghan’s already empty heart. I thought asking this was a bit much too, but I couldn’t take back words already spoken, so I just unnecessarily rubbed the floor with my wet sneaker tips. As the rain grew more clamorous, a cold and humid energy clung to my whole body.
‘You don’t seem like you would.’
‘……’
‘I don’t even trust the people called mom and dad.’
‘……’
‘But I trust you. I don’t know why. But you, Ji Yuhyeon, you don’t seem like you’d betray me.’
‘You… just realized that now?’
I was grateful he knew, but also felt sorry he was only saying such things now. When I lightly pushed his shoulder, Cha Jeonghan smiled. It was the first time I’d seen him smile.
After that, Cha Jeonghan and I became true friends like no other. Cha Jeonghan relied on me, and I too tried to become solid while leaning on Cha Jeonghan who leaned on me. From then on we were always together. When school ended, we’d go to my house and do homework together or play games, and sometimes we went to Cha Jeonghan’s house. The house was incredibly large and nice, so the memory of carefully moving around with a young heart was still vivid even now.
Cha Jeonghan’s room was also large and nice, but all it had was a desk, bed, and a bookshelf that somehow wasn’t filled. It felt empty compared to the room size, so somehow I felt like Cha Jeonghan would feel loneliness in this room.
‘Let’s eat pizza first. I’m hungry.’
When I put the pizza we’d bought on the way on the desk, saying let’s eat before doing homework, Cha Jeonghan pushed a chair toward me and sat perched on the bed right next to the desk.
‘It doesn’t seem like a room where people live.’
Cha Jeonghan’s voice flowing like passing words while opening the pizza box reached me very painfully. I took out two cans of cola, put them on the desk, and while sitting in the chair rolled the wheels all the way closer to Cha Jeonghan.
‘There are two people here though.’
‘……’
‘The pizza’s getting cold. Eat quickly.’
I picked up the biggest piece and gave it to Cha Jeonghan, then I picked up the piece next to it and quickly took a bite. Cha Jeonghan looked at me quietly like that.
‘Why aren’t you eating and just keep looking?’
‘Come tomorrow too.’
‘……’
‘Come the day after too.’
‘……’
‘Stay over on Saturday.’
‘……’
‘I like having you in my room.’
Cha Jeonghan was very sensitive to loneliness, also very prideful, and honest to the point of stiffening not knowing what to say. And Cha Jeonghan was pitiful. Back then it definitely wasn’t love. I didn’t want to make my friend lonely. I wanted to do everything I could for Cha Jeonghan who was kind and expressed himself well to friends once he opened his heart like this. I hoped Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t be lonely because I was there.
‘Okay. I’ll come tomorrow, come the day after, and bring clothes on Saturday.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. So eat quickly before it gets cold.’
‘Okay.’
Watching Cha Jeonghan finally take a bite of pizza, I vowed to definitely make him smile. That I would definitely make Cha Jeonghan happy—back then it was definitely friendship. A somewhat excessive friendship overflowing with passion and sincerity.
* * *
I was watching Cha Jeonghan getting makeup done at the shop when a staff member I hadn’t seen in a while approached and greeted me warmly. I was talking with the staff member who had changed their hair color to a cool colorful style when I felt a gaze. I could see Cha Jeonghan looking at me somewhat discontentedly through the mirror, so I smiled awkwardly at the staff member.
“Should I bring you coffee?”
“Ah, yes.”
“Iced? Hot?”
“Iced please.”
“I’ll bring it right away.”
“Thank you.”
The staff member was leaving with a smile when Cha Jeonghan called them. Both the staff member and I looked at Cha Jeonghan at the same time.
“Please put a lot of water in his. He’s sensitive to caffeine.”
“Ah, I see. Jeonghan-ssi is really kind. You even know your friend’s coffee preferences.”
“Give me one more strong one. I can’t wake up.”
“Our store has coffee that really wakes you up. That one will really wake you up. I’ll bring it right away.”
Depending on my condition, some days when I drank strong coffee my heart would pound and it felt like all the cells in my body were waking up, making it difficult. That really varied depending on condition, so I didn’t know when it would happen, so I drank coffee as diluted as possible.
But that was only possible when drinking alone or when I could ask at a cafe—when drinking what was given like this, I didn’t want to trouble the other person so I just drank it. But Cha Jeonghan knew that and told the staff. Cha Jeonghan was sometimes meticulous and kind to the point where it was hard to hide his overflowing heart.
“We’ll do hair after you drink coffee.”
“Yes.”
The staff member who finished makeup smiled at Cha Jeonghan and me and went downstairs. Cha Jeonghan looked at me again through the mirror.
“You’re asking for trouble again just drinking coffee like that.”
“A sip or two is fine.”
“Anyway, from one to ten, you can’t do without me.”
Cha Jeonghan, who spoke like talking to a child, shook his head. That appearance was a bit absurd and also funny, so when I laughed, Cha Jeonghan, who raised his gaze to me again through the mirror, slowly tilted his head.
“Why are you laughing? It’s true.”
“That’s what I should say to you.”
“Me, what? I’m doing pretty well on my own these days compared to before.”
It was true. Cha Jeonghan, who used to do everything from one to ten with me, gradually had things he could handle on his own without me. In the early days of debut, we went to filming sites together every time, but from 2 years ago it changed to only going together for schedules we really had to go to together, saying he didn’t like me suffering staying up all night too. It was a decision made out of consideration for me, but at first it felt a little hurtful.
“…Then next year I’ll really become unnecessary.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Huh?”
It was something I muttered to myself, so I didn’t properly remember what I’d said either. Seeing Cha Jeonghan’s face looking at me after standing up from his seat, my head turned white feeling like I’d made a huge mistake.
“Become unnecessary?”
“Ah… did I say that? Just without knowing it….”
“Ji Yuhyeon. Are you with me while thinking that?”
“No. Jeonghan. It’s not like that….”
Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Cha Jeonghan glanced that way and looked at me again. And he said in a low voice.
“Let’s talk at home.”
Cha Jeonghan, who saw the staff member coming up with coffee, turned his back to me again and sat in the chair. The staff member gave the dark-colored coffee to Cha Jeonghan and gave me coffee that was much lighter, looking like barley tea.
“……”
“……”
The staff member, who said in a bright voice to tell them anytime if we needed anything, went down the stairs again, and once again only Cha Jeonghan and I remained on the second floor. I looked at Cha Jeonghan wanting to say something, but Cha Jeonghan didn’t look at me even through the mirror. With a hardened face and eyes cast down, he didn’t look at me even knowing I was watching.
“……”
It was clearly my fault. I really didn’t know that the thoughts I’d been anxious about without realizing would pop out so precisely, so there was no room for excuses.
“Jeonghan.”
“……”
“……”
“Later.”
“…Yeah.”
I worried about what if he didn’t give any answer the whole time, but still, hearing Cha Jeonghan’s voice, my heart that had stiffened in surprise moved a little. In the end, the only thing that moved me was Cha Jeonghan. Cha Jeonghan moved me, whom even I couldn’t help, too easily.
“……”
I took a sip of the barley tea-like coffee and exhaled the breath that had been clumped up. Suddenly I thought it was fortunate the words that came out like a soliloquy weren’t feelings toward Cha Jeonghan. What would have happened if it was love? Just thinking about it made me break out in a cold sweat and my body trembled. It was really… really fortunate that what I’d voiced wasn’t love. I barely felt relieved while containing my collapsing vision.
