The color drained from Bernard’s face. What could he confess to him? Should he grab onto his pant leg and plead? Or would it be right to get angry instead, telling him not to desecrate what he doesn’t even know? Or should he pour out belated anger about the kiss they shared at the party entrance? His head spun dizzyingly. Bernard thought that he seemed to become more stupid whenever he stood before this man.
“I thought it was strange.”
“I don’t know what you’re… talking about……”
“Those eyes. Those eyes always desperate not to show it.”
Bernard always acted abnormally to Rubens’s actions. Shoulders excessively hunched, eyes that seemed to avoid his gaze yet followed tenaciously, a gaze expecting something, and then the face that followed with disappointment. All of it made Rubens uncomfortable.
To dismiss it as merely a timid and gloomy personality, Bernard’s eyes always held an inexplicable heat. It was a slender desire, but it seemed like it would spread into a massive fire that would burn everything at any time.
“Was the kiss satisfying? I don’t know when you started having such thoughts.”
“I think… you’re misunderstanding.”
“I already guessed everything and asked you to be a stand-in.”
Bernard’s hair stood on end. Thoughts like ‘I need to turn around right now, I have to run out of this room’ filled his head. But if he left, what would he say to his sibling who would be in the living room? He had no words to answer Elliot, who would look at him with innocent eyes.
His insides boiled. It was an indescribable emotion between resentment, shame, or perhaps fear. If he spoke honestly, it might work. A crazy thought crossed his mind. But the thought soon evaporated.
“I…… I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“I can organize my feelings right away.”
A rambling apology poured out. His bright red ears were evidence of all his words. Rubens’s narrowed eyes seemed to curve faintly, and also seemed to contain contempt. Bernard, covering his face with both hands, let out a breath like crying. It was over. Everything was ruined.
The kindness and one night he obtained by pretending to be Elliot. On the night when cigarette smoke was acrid, Rubens had been kind to him. And even in the moment when the smell of alcohol was terrible, he was the only person who congratulated his graduation. He had harbored feelings for a moment and hoped maybe, just maybe. He thought that hope had been shattered to pieces, but apparently fragments remained, stabbing his heart once again.
“Lift your head and look at me, Weil.”
“I can’t.”
“Hurry up.”
Bernard was crying pathetically in front of Rubens. Rubens was seized by a strange craving. His extended hand roughly grabbed Bernard’s shoulder. Elliot was waiting in the living room one floor below. Both of them knew that fact, but neither brought it up.
Bernard felt something catch behind his back. It was probably the nightstand. He only took shallow breaths. Rubens’s perfume scent came from close by, and the sound of his own heartbeat was heard in his ears. It was a painful sound.
“Organizing your feelings……”
“It won’t take long. Really, truly.”
“No. There’s something you need to declare before that.”
There was no reason for Rubens’s actions. Therefore, Bernard became anxious. His insides were in turmoil, not knowing why this man was doing this to him. Did he close the door when he came in? His anxious gaze finally checked the state of the door. Fearing that Elliot might be there.
“I don’t know what you want.”
“Tell me with your own mouth what kind of feeling it is. In this house, where Elliot is.”
“Ah, I……”
Bernard’s throat was parched. Even when he asked himself what he wanted to do, he couldn’t find an answer. This wasn’t a mathematical proposition. If asked whether he wanted to date him, that wasn’t it, and if asked whether he wanted to plead for him to please look at him, that wasn’t it either. He had already given up all of that. From around the time he revealed he was Elliot’s lover, he had tried to abandon his feelings for him.
He wanted to cherish that night’s events as just an unripe emotion. He hoped it would end as just that kind of puppy love, reminiscing alone and mocking his own affection. He had no intention of intruding on the two people’s love and planned to quietly fade away alone.
Now Bernard didn’t even want Rubens to find out that he was the one from that night. Because if that happened, even that affectionate moment would seem to be stained with Rubens’s contempt.
Elliot standing beside Rubens…… they truly suited each other well. However, just a moment ago, he had briefly agonized over whether to expose all those facts. He felt like a truly nauseating bastard who didn’t know his place.
“……So, I mean…… I liked you.”
It was a shame enough to make him want to die. The grip of the hand lifting his lowered head was weak, but he couldn’t shake it off. Their gazes met. Rubens didn’t sneer. However, Bernard thought it would have been better if he had sneered instead.
Whenever he liked someone, Bernard’s love was always thrown to the bottom. His one-sided love always ended tragically. It was one-sided despair and shame, but it was still okay. After all, he was the problem in everything.
“No one loves you, Bernard.”
“Well, not all love becomes something to be grateful for.”
He recalled the person who had said such things. He also recalled the person who had answered with an awkward smile. Bernard’s world was narrow and small. It wasn’t closed, but there was no one trying to enter it either.
The tears forming on Bernard’s eyelashes and falling were desolate. Rubens was only quietly observing that sight. Bernard hoped he would hurry and sneer at him, show contempt, and act as if he had touched something wicked. Because then perhaps these feelings might be organized more easily.
“I don’t understand why you’re crying…… You need to speak properly, Weil.”
Rubens’s voice lowered slightly. Rubens’s blue eyes tenaciously tore into Bernard. All his emotions were being revealed without filter.
“You still love me.”
Bernard bit the inside of his mouth.
“Am I wrong?”
“Yes. I, I…… I did.”
Bernard blinked rapidly. The tears that had formed crossed his cheeks, leaving transparent marks. The ceiling light blurred.
There was a time when he thought pain was a familiar sensation. Everything wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t had expectations, but it was also a result of him harboring expectations alone in the end.
It was a miserable confession. The fear of having done something he shouldn’t have done, yet the relief of having spoken his feelings, at the same time the desperate joy that he had acknowledged it, and the self-loathing he felt thinking of Elliot…… All kinds of emotions were mixed together in a mess.
Rubens didn’t give up his position. Rather, he only smiled thinly at Bernard crying sorrowfully. Bernard, acting foolishly throughout, wasn’t satisfying, but it was also true that he felt satisfaction at his confession, so Rubens mocked himself for not being able to understand his own emotions.
“Well now, the more I hear it, the more pathetic the emotion is.”
“Please let me go now……”
“Well.”
Rubens thought Bernard was the same type as those ordinary people. Perhaps he wanted something special by borrowing his excellent sibling’s name. Like Liam. He could become good gossip material and could raise his standing in one go. He could grant anything he wanted and at the same time could drag him down to the bottom. The name Rubens Hurt made that possible.
“Smile. Elliot is waiting for us. That’s the role you have to play.”
“Why are you doing this to me……”
“Is it because I find you disgusting for acting this way even knowing you’re your brother’s lover?”
Bernard couldn’t say anything, and Rubens thought there was no answer left to hear.
***
“Were you crying?”
Elliot, who had been sitting leaning against the sofa, suddenly raised his body. Bernard found it burdensome when Elliot rushed over, cupped his cheeks, and looked at him worriedly. At his sibling’s affectionate attitude, he felt a stabbing pain in his chest. Elliot wouldn’t know what Bernard had just said to his lover. He shouldn’t know.
“It’s not like that.”
“But your face is a mess.”
Bernard, who had already removed his lenses, was wearing his horn-rimmed glasses again. He shook his head at Elliot’s worried gaze. He couldn’t quite meet his eyes. Elliot asking what happened several times was only burdensome.
“Rubens.”
“It was my mistake. I didn’t know Mr. Weil was there and closed the door, making him stub his toe.”
It was an absurd excuse. However, even at such nonsense, Elliot nodded without even suspecting. Bernard was troubled again by Elliot’s kind question asking if he was hurt.
“I’m fine…… Elliot, you don’t need to worry.”
“Do you want to go back? No. Let’s go together now. Your expression doesn’t look good.”
“I can go alone.”
When Bernard tried to smile with his pale face, Elliot’s expression crumpled as he took the situation more seriously. But Bernard kept shaking his head.
Rubens, sitting across the sofa, was staring at the two of them. His face while smiling seemed to be filled with kind worry, but Bernard now knew that such an expression of his…… was actually simple interest. Why did he rejoice and grieve at Rubens’s every glance? He felt like crying because he was so pathetic.
“I’ll take you home.”
“No. It’s fine. I can go alone. Thank you for the kindness you’ve shown me. Then I’ll be going.”
Bernard looked at Rubens rising from his seat and smiled smoothly. Only Rubens noticed that the corners of his mouth were trembling faintly. A wall stood in his voice that had been soft. However, Bernard himself knew well how pathetic that defense was. Bernard hurriedly left the living room before the two could say anything.
He opened the mansion door, passed through the wide garden, and opened the large iron gate. Without looking back, Bernard, who had left Rubens’s mansion, ran straight to the main road and caught a taxi. The taxi driver paid no attention to him as he stated his destination and sobbed. Bernard, who had returned to a world indifferent to him, finally felt a sense of stability. Then, a text notification blinked on Bernard’s phone.
[Rhino]: Where are you? Tell me you’re okay. Please.
It was a text from Rhino.
