‘He’s at least not picky about food now, but when he was younger, he was damn picky about so many things and had a small appetite. I made him raid convenience stores and took him everywhere around here worth snacking, but his expression was always blank every single day. I could tell he was a young master raised quite preciously. Still, when I hung out with him he’d give me all the food, so I was always full and that was good.’
Various episodes that seemed light to share,
‘I wanted to win the sports festival soccer tournament so badly that I kept pestering the kids. Everyone ignored me, but back then Euishin had a bit of a soft side, so only he took my side. He stayed behind to help me practice too. When I fell in the first preliminary round and broke my leg and got a cast, he came to visit me? And… in the final penalty shootout, he let me score a goal too. That was the best, really…..’
…Memories that felt too precious to casually tell this guy and that guy. And,
‘When he said he was transferring, I cried my eyes out, didn’t I, following him to the terminal. Back then I thought I’d never see him again….’
‘……’
Lightly, as light and cheerful as the french fries that come with a hamburger, reaching the point of the scar that was added,
‘My goodness, you’re not talking about when you were in second grade of elementary school but second year of middle school, right?’
‘Kwon Yunsu was an unchanged whiny crybaby nuisance then and now.’
While various guys were criticizing him, Lee Euishin’s face froze pale white. Thought I’d never see him again…. Right, that’s correct. They would have never seen each other again. Because Kwon Yunsu never contacted him once. When there was no contact from the guy he naturally thought would contact him first, he stubbornly refused to contact him either to the very end…. Realizing that what he thought was a push-and-pull stubbornness was actually a one-sided discrepancy between forgetting and obsession, and thus if he hadn’t come back down to this damn countryside……
‘Euishin-ah.’
Would we have had a chance to meet again?
‘Euishin?’
Kwon Yunsu, would you have looked for me?
‘……’
He slowly checked the time and picked up his bag. Desperately pretending to be calm so as not to look unsightly, but with a face drained completely white,
‘I’m leaving first.’
Lee Euishin left the restaurant.
His memory was hazy until he passed through the familiar shopping street and entered the deserted park path. Only that his fingertips were cold amidst the violent shame and resentment that made his head go blank.
‘Why are you going so fast?’
And the clueless Kwon Yunsu chased after him.
‘Did you forget something?’
Making eye contact with his expressionless self, he carefully added,
‘…Did I, misspeak?’
Lee Euishin shook his head. It wasn’t a slip of the tongue, just telling it as it was. The rest was his own share.
‘Then why? Are you feeling bad from eating fried food? Should I get you something warm?’
When his expression didn’t soften even with soothing words, Kwon Yunsu quickly became tearful. And before even finishing his words, he dashed to a nearby convenience store and bought warm soy milk. The warmth placed in his frozen hands. If he hadn’t gritted his teeth and come back down, he would never have held it in his hands….
‘—Why didn’t you contact me?’
The ripples of that bluntly thrown statement first settled on his own heart.
‘Is that memory funny to you?’
‘…Eui……’
‘Is that such a light and easy thing, for you?’
His throat trembled achingly.
‘When you cried and made a fuss when I said I was leaving, when did you do that—you forgot it all like it never happened because I disappeared from sight, right? Playing soccer, going to academy, spouting nonsense with those bastard friends, you didn’t think as far as me, right? This kind of…! Fuck, what did you try for besides this kind of thing? Huh?!’
The glass bottle thrown onto the pavement shattered to pieces. Kwon Yunsu widened his eyes in surprise and his breath quickly became rough.
When he said he’d go back down to his grandfather’s house, it was never easy. A year and a half until adulthood, there was his own decision not to rashly do anything that would affect his future, and depending on his academic goals, if he needed to get private tutoring, it was far more advantageous to remain at the main house. Still, he said he’d go down. He directly confronted his father who never forgot ‘prices.’ He visited his middle school second year homeroom teacher whose name he didn’t even remember to ask about Kwon Yunsu, and even after transferring to the high school Kwon Yunsu attended, he used his head to be in the same class as Kwon Yunsu.
‘I’m a bit shy around strangers. When I briefly transferred in during middle school, I couldn’t adapt and urgently went back. There’s someone in our grade named Kwon Yunsu, right? He was the only person I knew….’
What had Kwon Yunsu been doing while he himself had bent his pride to get here?
‘I’m…’
Forgetting about me… completely forgetting about me. While you completely forgot about me beyond the shitty meal schedule and cafeteria food worse than a convenience store, that damn Baek Seunghyun, Kim Wonwoo, Lee Jihoon, convenience stores, soccer, Mom, noona, Dad, and so on…
‘Seoul is too far… I, uh, it was awkward…’
I never forgot about you, not even once.
You, who had been bright and spirited like a country puppy, who had closed the distance with big strides, who had cried buckets because you were hurt, sad, and regretful about the farewell—you stuck yourself right into my monotonously refined world. You stamped a wicked mark on the horn of this fifteen-year-old monster who was neither adult nor child. I couldn’t budge an inch and my insides boiled until I finally came to find you.
“What the hell is so pretty about you…”
Kwon Yunsu was still an incomprehensible world. Harmless yet threatening, gentle yet unkind. Lee Euishin reached out his hand to the guy reeking of alcohol. He slowly stroked the forehead glowing palely in the dawn dimness. If he just kept quiet with his eyes closed, he was quite… His white, small face with its faint inner double eyelids, eyes, nose, lips—everything was pretty without exception. His long, slender neck gave off a pitiful feeling. Beat him up when he’s asleep? There have been thousands of times he wanted to give him a good hit, but no matter how much he looked, there was no place to hit.
“Just don’t go around late at night, you bastard.”
He was scared someone might carry him off. What’s the point of carrying a phone around? When it’s late, at least call me to come pick you up.
“…What time did I come back?”
“…”
What a surprise. Kwon Yunsu, who he’d thought was asleep, asked in a low, sunken tone. Lee Euishin was startled and pulled his hand away. Then Kwon Yunsu followed the retreating hand, burying his head and coming closer.
Mid-April, complete spring, but the room was somewhat cool from the rain that had fallen at dawn. This kind of clinginess from Kwon Yunsu was a common occurrence. There’s no reason to refuse, right? Lee Euishin casually wrapped his arm around Kwon Yunsu’s shoulder.
“Did I make a drunken fuss and keep you from sleeping much?”
“Yeah.”
“And I reek of alcohol too?”
“Yeah.”
“Coming into someone else’s bedroom without even washing…”
“If you know, then fix it.”
Lee Euishin chuckled as he replied. He mustn’t let his sincerity show. If he had firmly shown his dislike, Kwon Yunsu probably would have broken this habit long ago.
Eternally slow-witted, but that didn’t mean he was completely clueless. Things the other person liked, things they disliked, clear affection or rejection… Kwon Yunsu straightforwardly remembered and didn’t forget things that were clearly outlined.
—You, make sure to keep in touch with me.
If he had said that on the day they parted at fifteen, Kwon Yunsu might have kept in touch diligently, saying he would.
‘Uh, it was awkward…’
For such a brazen guy to feel awkwardness before making contact must have been because he wasn’t confident. Whether he could naturally continue the conversation, whether the other person would welcome this contact or not. After such hesitation, dust must have settled over memories related to himself.
‘I’m sorry, Euishin.’
In the winter when they were eighteen, Kwon Yunsu, who had apologized instead of getting angry at him for throwing food away right in front of him, spent a while feeling intimidated. He seemed to be pondering what the line drawn before his eyes meant.
For Lee Euishin, it was exasperating. There was no such thing as a line drawn. It was just pent-up resentment bursting out in a moment. Who told you to run away? Where did you get scared and become distant? What kind of resolve did I come back with?
He didn’t know how far they’d fooled around in middle school, but Kwon Yunsu knew that his temperament was so difficult that even his family couldn’t handle him carelessly, and the guy had nonetheless accepted him with surprising flexibility, or perhaps willfully. Seeing that guy fidget around, unable to even say “let’s eat,” made him furious in its own way. After coaxing him with all kinds of food and being affectionate in his own way, spending two weeks that felt hundreds of times more hellish than that one second of throwing the drink bottle, Kwon Yunsu finally returned to his embrace.
Thinking of that humiliation, Lee Euishin hugged Kwon Yunsu tightly as he burrowed into his arms.
“I couldn’t sleep because of you, so you should sleep in too.”
Kwon Yunsu, face buried in the blanket, made a strange sound like sleep-whining and laughed.
“Sounds good.”
