“By the way, I heard you had a hard time while I was away, so it would be better to rest for today. I called people you could meet tomorrow and made you unnecessarily tired.”
“Not at all. I heard Your Highness also has much work to do, so I’ll accompany you.”
“I just returned from subjugation too, so I need to catch my breath. I’ll work from the bedroom, so don’t worry and rest.”
Though my condition had been briefly poor, whether from aftereffects of the imprint, my conscience pricked since I hadn’t done anything recently that warranted rest. Wouldn’t this make me no different from an idler?
‘No. I seem even more idle than an idler?’
Since I hardly ever left this bedroom, my range of activity was too narrow. Of course, if only His Highness could feel at ease, I wouldn’t refuse being confined not in a room but in a prison, but I couldn’t prevent feeling like I’d become useless.
“If you’re frustrated, shall we take a walk?”
His Highness, who clearly knew my heart, immediately made a new proposal, but I shook my head. I didn’t want to trouble His Highness just because of my mood.
“No. Then though it’s a bit early, I’ll try to sleep first.”
“Are you really okay? If you’re hurt or having difficulties, tell me anytime.”
His Highness gently stroked my cheek while meeting my eyes. As if trying to read through my pupils the words I always swallowed.
“I’m really fine. I just reflected on feeling like I’d become a useless person from continuously lying in bed.”
Words I didn’t need to say burst out. Only after uttering them did I realize I’d voiced such pathetic worries aloud, and moreover that the person I’d confided in was His Highness. I truly couldn’t believe it. I was strangely unable to control my impulses.
“I wish you were useless though.”
“Pardon?”
So His Highness’s words were even more shocking. As I couldn’t quite understand, His Highness lightly stroked my hair and spoke as if whispering.
“Not all humans need to be useful to live. You don’t need to struggle desperately, just existing is enough. There’s no need to forcibly find a reason for existence, just being there is sufficient.”
I’d never once thought such a thing. I’d always lived doing what needed to be done in my position. Just before death, thinking of myself as a ‘chess piece’ was also for that reason. But His Highness was telling me I didn’t need to be a chess piece. That there was no need for it, and that he didn’t wish for it either.
“But unfortunately, you can’t even become useless because of me.”
“Why is that Your Highness’s fault?”
“You make me breathe.”
At those words, my own breath caught instead.
“You have excessive usefulness. How pitiful.”
His Highness comforted me as if viewing a truly unfortunate life. I thought that if I made this person live, that wasn’t pitiful but rather undeserved, but it didn’t seem like such words would get through at all.
“So don’t worry needlessly and sleep well.”
At the same time, strangely, my anxiety about myself subsided somewhat. It was amazing that my mood could change like this from a single phrase, but in fact, it had always been so. This person’s words always made me live. Thanks to that, I could lie down on the bed with a comfortable heart.
* * *
My eyes suddenly opened. Looking around, it was completely dark everywhere. It was clearly deep night. His Highness, who was subtly releasing pheromones perhaps for my sake, was also sleeping with eyes comfortably closed for the first time in a while. I gazed at that face for some time.
‘He makes this kind of face too.’
Though he always showed an affectionate appearance, this was the first time I’d received the impression of ‘looking comfortable.’ If it had always seemed like he wore armor and had the leisure not to blink at any attack, now it seemed he’d removed even all that armor.
‘It would be good if he could always be in a safe place.’
The imperial palace seemed the safest but was actually the most dangerous place. One could know the answer by recalling how many had died before reaching the pinnacle of power. I tried to touch His Highness’s face out of uncontrollable affection but stopped. Not only was it presumptuous, but I didn’t want to wake him. More than that, the problem was…
‘I want to eat chicken soup.’
I don’t know why this thought suddenly occurred. Until just a while ago, I’d never wanted to eat a specific food. And it wasn’t just any chicken soup I wanted.
‘Why do I keep thinking of the chicken soup the knight hall cook often made?’
As if I’d eaten it in a dream, just imagining the suddenly recalled food made my mouth water. It wasn’t even a food I particularly preferred, just something I’d eat if it was served. The only notable point was that it was what I’d eaten when I first entered the knight hall.
‘Is it because Your Highness kept asking if there was anything I wanted to eat?’
I tried to find the reason in others, and tried closing my eyes again, but thoughts of chicken soup continued strangely unceasing.
‘No. If it were a food I extremely loved that would be one thing, but why specifically knight hall chicken soup? This is too awkward to say I want to eat.’
It had been long since I’d entered the knight hall, and I wouldn’t have occasion to enter for a while, so it was truly unfortunate. My stomach, which I’d thought was full enough, was growling. Even when I’d gone nearly three days without food as a child, I hadn’t been this desperate for food.
‘This won’t do.’
When I got up very carefully, His Highness, whether sleeping deeply, didn’t open his eyes. Slightly relieved, as I moved my foot down from the bed, Sir Cedric, the night guard, silently approached. As he asked with his eyes where I was going, I slightly gestured toward the bathroom. He signaled understanding and that he would accompany me.
‘Without Sir Ken, I can’t go to the dining hall. I’m not in a position where I can carelessly pick up and eat things either. It’s strange to trouble someone just because there’s food I want to eat.’
So the conclusion I reached was that I should at least wash my face. Thinking washing my face with cold water might bring me to my senses, Sir Sepiel, today’s duty officer, followed along with Sir Cedric. Though it was just going to the bathroom, having knights follow like this inevitably felt noisy, but I decided to adapt by continuously reminding myself of my position in my head.
“I’ll wait outside.”
“Yes.”
Whether they had no intention of following me inside after all, the two stood outside the door. When I received clean water and splashed it on my face, I felt refreshed. The advantage was that my hazy head became clear, and the disadvantage was that with that cleared head I was thinking of chicken soup again.
‘Damn. What exactly is the problem?’
It was absurd enough that I didn’t even feel self-loathing. Now I even felt like the savory soup’s aroma was rolling around in my mouth. When I actually swallowed, it was like torture how there was no taste at all, as if it had been a joke.
‘Would eating anything make it better?’
Just as I was sighing deeply inside the bathroom. Suddenly a loud noise came from outside the door, and soon His Highness’s shout rang out.
“Tiel!”
Though it was ‘Tiel’ not ‘Aila,’ it was certain His Highness was looking for me. When I hurriedly opened the bathroom door, I faced His Highness with empty eyes holding a sword. He looked me over from head to toe as if he couldn’t believe it, then immediately threw the sword on the floor and ran toward me.
“You were here, you’re here.”
His Highness, who ran over in one stride, had a faint scent of blood. It seemed he’d been slightly cut while drawing his sword. His Highness hadn’t completely recovered. It only seemed that way when I was beside him. If I’d known it would be like this, I absolutely wouldn’t have done something like going to the bathroom alone.
“I apolo—gize.”
At the apology, the strength embracing me grew even stronger. It was a desperate gesture as if trying to grasp an illusion. After confirming several times that I existed, His Highness caught his breath and separated our bodies. Though his hands still held my shoulders. The redly rippling eyes gradually found stability.
“No. There’s nothing to apologize for. I was the one who went crazy and let my guard down.”
That seemed like words that very rarely came out without going through his head. His Highness blamed not even what could be called letting one’s guard down, but just an ordinary deep sleep.
“There’s still moisture on your face. Did you wash it?”
“Yes. I should have told you before going.”
“Right. Do so next time. But why did you suddenly go to wash your face in the middle of the night?”
His Highness, who seemed to have released me, this time picked me up entirely. Though it was an embarrassing position as always, I couldn’t bring myself to ask to be put down since His Highness’s chest touching my arm was still pounding.
“It’s, nothing important.”
Even so, I didn’t have the courage to say I’d caused this commotion because food I wanted came to mind in the middle of the night. His Highness’s eyebrow rose slightly.
“Were you really trying to run away? That doesn’t seem like a very good idea.”
“Why would I run away?”
“Who knows about that.”
There was not a bit of playfulness in His Highness’s eyes as he spoke. At this rate, he might truly misunderstand. I decided to forcibly gather the courage inside me and confess the truth.
“—wanted to eat.”
“Hm?”
“I wanted to eat chicken soup.”
I could tell without looking in a mirror. My face must be burning blazingly.
