I was already two years late. I didn’t want to delay any further. At my words that I had changed, Grandfather slightly raised his gaze and stared at my face.
“Grandfather. I just want to love someone who’s lovely.”
“……”
After continuing his thoughts for a long while at my words, Grandfather suddenly let out a faint laugh. As I blinked, Grandfather muttered softly.
“He is a child with a truly beautiful smile……”
“……That’s right. He smiles beautifully. Like spring.”
“Yes, like spring. It’s not common to find someone who smiles as if they’ve cut out a whole season.”
How lovely, Grandfather said that.
“You’re right.”
“Grandfather.”
“Chiwon, is he doing alright?”
“Yes. He’ll be okay now.”
“Well, then that’s good.”
It was an indirect permission in response to an indirect question. Understanding that, I smiled along with Grandfather.
Just as I was about to leave the study, I turned around while still holding the doorknob. Grandfather, who had been putting on his glasses, looked at me with a puzzled expression.
“Grandfather. You know Jaeui?”
“Yes.”
“He found out that Chiwon is an omega, and he used that fact to threaten Chiwon. He even asked his father about the orphanage where Chiwon lives being omega-only. That’s why Chiwon started taking suppressants.”
Grandfather’s eyes widened. It was understandable that he’d be surprised since Kim Jaeui had always acted warmly toward Grandfather.
“He did promise today that he wouldn’t bother Chiwon anymore…… But I don’t really know Jaeui anymore. Was he always that kind of kid?”
“……I wonder.”
Leaving behind the lengthening silence and Grandfather’s sigh, I closed the study door.
Because he had appeared in my world as if dropping down from nowhere while blooming his pheromones in early summer, Chiwon from before I’d met him had a summer-like image to me. When I thought of Chiwon, the smell of that summer day, the heat, the wind that had just started to become sultry followed after. However, the Chiwon I actually met was in fact closer to spring than summer. Not just his smile, but Chiwon’s atmosphere itself was like that. It felt like he would disappear like a heat haze if I took my eyes off him.
Chiwon was a child with a strong sense of responsibility. Especially when it came to his younger siblings, he showed a surprisingly strong face. On the other hand, he didn’t seem to have any thought of protecting himself at all. Was it because his self-esteem had been greatly lowered from going through all those things? It seemed like if there was no one beside him to stop him, he couldn’t gauge how far he could let himself go. He was clumsy and unstable, but also rarely reached out his hand to people around him. His wants weren’t clear, neither were his likes and dislikes, and he didn’t try to demand for himself either. From my position, where I was ready to do anything for him, it was frustrating. Because if Chiwon couldn’t walk on his own feet, he was someone who would just stop in place.
It was around the time I realized that when I began to feel his gaze.
At first, I thought it was my imagination. Because even when Chiwon wasn’t looking at me, I was always looking at Chiwon, so I thought that’s why our eyes met frequently. But at some point, I realized that the times when Chiwon was looking at me were just as many as mine.
I didn’t turn my eyes to confirm his gaze. If Chiwon realized I’d noticed, it seemed like he would immediately turn his head away, so I quietly left Chiwon, who was carefully observing me, alone.
Being quite excited about my first love, I repeated the hypothetical “what if.” Chiwon’s eyes, which had been looking at me as if gazing at someone in a distant place, had clearly changed. And around the time I became accustomed to liking someone, I gained the conviction that Chiwon definitely liked me too.
The thrill that I was at the end of Chiwon’s gaze. Rendering meaningless my attempt not to be greedy, I helplessly soaked myself in Chiwon. But this time too, all I could do was wait, as expected. Until Chiwon stood in the same place as my heart, and so until Chiwon wanted me exactly as much as I wanted him. Chiwon’s steps were so slow that the day he would come to the same place as my heart seemed far off. Even if Chiwon walked a few steps toward me, I was already running ahead of that. I wanted to grab Chiwon’s hand right away and pull him toward me. That there’s no end to liking someone—I realized this in the summer of seventeen, under the fireworks drawn in the night sky.
But strangely, even when I keenly felt the clear size difference of our hearts, I wasn’t discouraged at all. Even things like the elbows that touched that summer night, the eyes that quietly met mine, the fleeting smiles—I was moved by them to an unbelievable degree. Does first love always fill your whole heart like this?
Impulses surged moment by moment. The imagination of confessing my feelings to Chiwon, Chiwon accepting my confession, and smiling at me dominated my days. But I like you—every time those five syllables caught on the tip of my tongue, I would firmly shut my mouth.
It was because I worried whether being with me would be happiness for Chiwon. Chiwon’s self-esteem was very low, and he was only just about to dust off his wounds and stand up. The face of Chiwon crying while confessing his inferiority complex and wretchedness to me was vivid. Sometimes it even felt like Chiwon was literally looking up at me. What troubled me most was that look in his eyes.
Chiwon seemed to think that he and I didn’t live in the same world. Every time I recalled that, I instantly felt as if cold water had been dumped over me. In the end, I had to wait again. Until Chiwon, who loved me, could find happiness in himself. That liking someone requires a great deal of patience—I learned this at that time.
Still, I thought I could endure it. Except for that one day.
It was cleaning time a few days after the sports festival. I was sitting in the classroom waiting for Chiwon, who was on cleaning duty, to return when I heard Chiwon’s voice calling me from the door. When I turned around, Chiwon was gesturing at me with a very strange expression. It was only after I stood up from my seat that I discovered the sunbae behind Chiwon.
“Why?”
“The sunbae-nim is looking for you……”
“……Um, could we move for a moment?”
Deliberately looking only at Chiwon with a feeling of disbelief, I asked, when the sunbae called out from behind. The emotion contained in the sunbae’s face was unmistakable. For a moment, I felt as if a sense of dismay had struck my head.
Of all people, Chiwon, to Chiwon, for Chiwon…… I tried hard not to show it on my face as I collected myself. Chiwon’s face when I glanced back still looked dazed. I left Chiwon behind and followed the sunbae who led the way. Only when we reached the music room hallway, which was empty because it was cleaning time, did the sunbae stop.
Did he realize what situation this was? Was he shocked? Was he hurt? Even with the sunbae in front of me looking at me with tense eyes, I was only thinking about Chiwon.
“So. Do you happen to know me?”
“……No, I’m sorry.”
“No, um, it’s natural that you don’t know me. I’m a second year, Kim Woomin……”
With a very shy and awkward face, the sunbae introduced himself. Then he stammered on, saying he’d been watching me from before and decided to confess after seeing me play basketball at the sports festival. An expression full of excitement and tension. What I wanted was Chiwon, not someone else. I bowed my head with an apologetic heart.
“I’m sorry.”
“……I was going to give you time to think about it.”
“I’m sorry. I have someone I like……”
I was about to say “I do” when I shut my mouth. Because a childish complaint that I wanted to tell Chiwon first flashed through me for an instant. How wicked of me to think that, in front of someone confessing to me…… I steadied my breath and spoke again.
“I have someone I like. I’m sorry.”
“……No, um, I see.”
The smile barely managed cracked little by little, and excitement leaked out through the cracks. What remained on the sunbae’s face was faint frustration. My heart grew heavy, so I bowed my head. The sunbae, who had been standing still and catching his breath, said “I’ll go first, sorry,” and passed by me. I stood under the afternoon sunlight streaming through the window and comforted myself. Even if it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t respond to his feelings, the guilt was unavoidable.
I slowly retraced my steps. What kind of expression should I make when I see Chiwon? The phrase “of all people” kept circling in my head. But what followed after was, unexpectedly, anticipation. Dismay and anticipation—completely incompatible things mixed together. The emotion of liking someone really did make people strange.
Would Chiwon be jealous? Even though I didn’t like the idea of Chiwon being upset, I hoped Chiwon would be jealous of that sunbae. As someone who was jealous of everyone around Chiwon every day, I knew well that jealousy was nothing less than the simplest and clearest proof of the emotion of liking someone. I wanted to constantly confirm that Chiwon liked me. And as far as I knew, Chiwon had never once shown any sign of being jealous of anyone. That part was what made me anxious. I wanted to monopolize Chiwon, but what if Chiwon’s feelings were different?
I was walking while collecting my complicated feelings when Chiwon appeared from around the corner of the hallway. Chiwon, walking while looking down at his feet, seemed unaware that I was in front of him. Because his head was lowered so I couldn’t see his face, I didn’t know what thoughts Chiwon was so absorbed in. I stopped in place, waiting for Chiwon to notice me.
“Ah!”
Only after bumping his head into me did Chiwon raise his head. Grabbing the elbow of Chiwon, who stumbled backward in surprise, I looked at his face.
“Are you okay?”
It was a habitual question. Chiwon called my name with a dazed face.
“Where are you going?”
“Well, I went to the snack shop. I left my phone behind……”
The snack shop was in the opposite direction. Even while giving an absurd excuse, Chiwon seemed like he didn’t even know what he was saying. I tried hard to find traces of emotion left on Chiwon’s face.
“……Really?”
“Yeah.”
Rolling his eyes this way and that, Chiwon glanced at my face. I realized that Chiwon was trying to read some sign from my face. A strange silence passed where we were only probing each other.
