– Hello? You answer the phone quickly even though you said you were going out with Elliot?
It was a familiar voice. At the question that seemed somewhat dissatisfied, Bernard couldn’t answer and only swallowed his breath.
– Bernard?
Though he hadn’t made any crying sounds, the other person acted as if they had heard something unusual.
– Bernard, are you crying?
“What, what do I do?”
– What’s wrong? What happened? Where are you?
“I… right now Elliot is so… distressing, what do I do?”
Bernard’s crying echoed in the bathroom. Incoherent words poured out. I don’t want to see Elliot right now. I was wrong for that. It’s distressing. What do I do? I don’t know what I should do… To the endlessly fumbling words that poured out, the answer to calm down came back several times.
– Let’s meet first. Where are you?
At the place name he stammered out, the answer “Don’t move anywhere, just stay there” came back. The repeated words seemed like a means to soothe Bernard. Even though there was no way his actions could be seen by the other person, Bernard just nodded and held onto his phone.
– Please, stop crying already.
At the words mixed with a sigh, only then did Bernard whisper sorry with a subsiding breath. Then Rhino answered in a more irritated voice than before.
– You better cry when I get there. Bernard.
Knowing that was his effort to soothe him, Bernard just nodded again. Though he anticipated the call would end, Rhino continued speaking.
– I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
As soon as he answered “yeah” very quietly, crying sounds leaked through his tightly clenched teeth. Hanging up the call, Bernard rubbed his face again.
The thought of locking the bathroom door came belatedly, but he eventually gave up thinking someone might be inconvenienced. He took off his glasses and shoved them in his pocket, washing his face with cold water several times. Until his ears were all wet, until his hair was all wet. Anyone who saw might have thought he was crazy. He did a very stupid thing because he didn’t want to show he had been crying. Bernard’s narrow world became a bit narrower that way.
On nights with worries, Elliot would crawl into Bernard’s bed. Though they were both grown adults, they couldn’t separate from each other. Elliot would whisper in an excited voice that there must be some kind of bond between twins.
“I’m on your side, Bernard. If anything happens at any time, you must talk to me.”
When Elliot confided his worries, Bernard became his good counselor. He already knew that Elliot would relay the answers he got from Bernard. Elliot often consulted Bernard about other people’s worries as if they were his own. And whether Elliot easily gained favor through that, Bernard didn’t care. It was favor he couldn’t obtain anyway even if he acted himself.
Bernard, who had calmed his wheezing breath, left the bathroom. There was no means to hide his shabby appearance, so he tried putting on his glasses, but he still looked unsightly. Elliot, who hadn’t looked for him even though Bernard had been away for a long time, stood up with a bewildered face. However, Bernard’s words were a bit faster.
“…I completely forgot I had an appointment with Rhino.”
“I’m sorry, Bernard. My appointment didn’t make things difficult for you, did it?”
Elliot didn’t know what to do and stroked Bernard’s back. Bernard forced himself to smile brightly. He hoped it looked that way. Rubens’s gaze was blatantly examining Bernard’s face.
“No. I’m the one who stupidly forgot… Have a good time with Mr. Hurt.”
When Bernard kissed Elliot’s cheek expressing intimacy, Rubens’s eyes immediately narrowed. Watching him embrace Elliot’s shoulder, Bernard smiled bitterly.
“Thank you for making time.”
“Not at all. It was a beneficial time for me to be able to meet you.”
Clasping and shaking Rubens’s large hand, Bernard newly realized, so this is what this hand felt like. It felt different from that night, so he smiled bitterly again.
Firmly refusing Elliot’s offer to see him off, Bernard hurriedly left the place. In any case, since he didn’t want to watch the two people any longer, his primary objective was fulfilled.
After running for two whole blocks, he soon stopped standing blankly in the middle of the city. Not long after informing Rhino of his changed location by text, a car that stopped by the roadside honked its horn long. Rhino, who clicked his tongue seeing Bernard’s sniffling state, rummaged through the front seat of the car and handed him tissues through the window. Then he flung open the passenger door from inside.
“Get in first. I’m worried.”
At those words, Bernard, who became unnecessarily timid, obediently climbed into the seat next to him, and Rhino made a groaning sound. The words that started with “That’s not what I meant…” couldn’t even finish. Rhino lightly struck the steering wheel several times, then soon showed a face of giving up.
“…Is this something I can interfere with?”
What thoughts he had alone, staring with a completely complicated face made Bernard uncomfortable, so he turned his gaze away. Bernard’s heart jolted slightly at Rhino’s question. Thinking about it, he felt a bit sorry. Rhino had an unrequited love for Elliot before being a friend. In front of such a person, he couldn’t bring himself to say again that he was distressed because of Elliot. His face heated up in embarrassment.
“I’m sorry. You… must hate this kind of talk.”
“What do you think ‘this kind of talk’ is?”
“Something like badmouthing someone you like, that’s the worst.”
At Bernard’s mumbling words, Rhino’s eyes narrowed. Tendons faintly rose in his hand gripping the steering wheel. Rhino’s weakly furrowed brow seemed to represent his inner feelings. Soon, letting out a long breath, he shook his head as if he had no choice.
“Bernard. Look at me.”
However, contrary to Rhino’s words, Bernard’s head only bowed more deeply. Rhino, who swept his hair up, said nothing after that. In the heavy silence, Bernard hesitantly raised his gaze. His shoulders twitched. It was because the gray eyes looking at him appeared particularly dark.
“If it’s about Elliot, you can talk comfortably.”
Clenching and unclenching his hands, he seemed to be enduring something. A strong intonation was embedded in his slowly pouring tone. Somehow it was a voice that captured one’s attention.
“Is it something friends can’t say?”
At the part about ‘friends,’ he slurred his words as if chewing them, but Bernard didn’t regard that part as particularly significant. Rhino had never wanted to hide his relationship with Bernard in front of others, but when they were alone, he wanted to remove that boundary.
As Bernard continued not to answer, Rhino’s frowning expression gradually became more fierce. Unsuited to the situation, Bernard newly thought, he really is something. It was an atmosphere that would have scared anyone else who saw, but Bernard was fine. It was thanks to his firm faith in Rhino.
“Stop crying already… What is all this?”
“…I’m sorry.”
Looking at Bernard’s reddened, swollen eyes, Rhino let out a deep sigh, then reached out and took off Bernard’s glasses. Bernard, who had reflexively flinched at the touch on his face, lowered his gaze with an awkward expression. When Rhino tapped his eyes with his index finger, Bernard blinked several times and met his gaze.
Bernard was always someone accustomed to running away. From situations, from people too. Though he had never not finished his assigned work, as someone who gave up many relationships or benefits and only hid inside, he had no idea what he should say to Rhino.
On the other hand, for Rhino, human relationships were never a difficult thing. There were many people he could grasp if he reached out, and he didn’t cling much to relationships continuing. However, only Bernard…
“What are you sorry about?”
“I always just bother you and only ask for help.”
Rhino pretended not to know while clearly knowing the inner feelings of Bernard, who forced himself to smile. He couldn’t stab at his inner feelings, desperate to somehow smooth over this situation. Bernard’s ears heated up red. It was because he thought he was shamelessly rambling on despite being the one who unilaterally broke the appointment.
“Is that what you call a request? Why don’t you request more?”
After a long silence, Rhino laughed lightly. Without waiting for an answer, he started the car and drove without any explanation about the destination. Bernard, who belatedly fastened his seatbelt, could only look at his profile in dismay.
“It was supposed to be a meal with Elliot. I don’t think Elliot would have said nonsense to you. Who did you eat with?”
“Elliot introduced me to someone. He said it was his lover… They looked good together.”
Bernard touched his nape and swallowed an awkward laugh. Rhino always noticed too many things. Bernard was grateful for that interest, but sometimes it was burdensome to the point his tongue felt rough.
“But why were you crying there?”
“I. I got someone I like.”
To Rhino’s irritated question, Bernard gave an unexpected answer. The car suddenly braked hard. The sensation of his body being pulled forward and then coming back, the car swayed greatly, chillingly. Bernard, who turned pale white unable to even breathe, only clutched the seatbelt he had fastened like a lifeline.
Usually, Rhino’s driving was somewhat rough, but it wasn’t to this extent. As Bernard turned his head to say something, the gaze blatantly staring was first.
“Who? Is it someone I know? Nora? Jedis? Amy? Don’t tell me Adam?”
It was Bernard who became dumbfounded at the uninterrupted naming. Rhino asked with a completely stiff face, then waved both hands as if he didn’t even want to hear an answer. Because they suddenly stopped in the middle of the road, a horn honked noisily from behind. However, when Rhino opened the window and hurled curses while swinging his fist, it became quiet again.
From any angle, Rhino looked like an angry person. Completely different from when he acted simple and gentle. Of course, he had known from watching rugby games that his temperament originally had a fiery side, but this blatantly angry appearance was unfamiliar.
“They’re just friends from school days.”
“Don’t say damn nonsense.”
What was so displeasing, Rhino, who gave a twisted answer unlike himself, soon buried his forehead in the steering wheel. The horn sound rang out long. He couldn’t catch up with his mood that was unusually all over the place today.
Rhino, who let out a long sigh, stepped on the accelerator again. It was an expression that looked somehow sulky. Tendons faintly rose on his tightly shut jaw. Because of his rough atmosphere, Bernard couldn’t easily speak to him and chose silence again. Even though he must know Bernard’s inner feelings, Rhino was quiet the entire time leaving the city center.
“…But that person I said I like doesn’t like me.”
“So you cried?”
“That’s just how I am.”
Looking at Bernard, who readily agreed, Rhino quickly thought of several people in his head. Who was the person Bernard liked during school days? Because he was fumbling to pull out an existence already faint in his memory, a lightly furrowed mark remained on his brow.
“Why do you always like only those damn bastards, leaving me aside?”
Bang, the horn rang out long once again.
