“I didn’t see you at the party.”
“…I left early.”
The hand that had gripped Bernard’s neck slowly slid down and soon held his lower back. Even though he must have noticed he wasn’t a call girl, it was a touch filled with blatant implications. Should he say even now that he wasn’t Elliot? But his mouth wouldn’t open.
Those gazes he received every time he said he was Bernard, not Elliot. Eyes filled with hostility that he had to receive without a single error, always, filled his head. He didn’t want to receive such a gaze from Rubens right now… But why on earth?
“You must have drunk a lot.”
“A little.”
“You seem drunk, so I’ll get out of your way. Sleep well.”
“Right, I’m a bit drunk. There was someone I had to meet… but we must have missed each other.”
Bernard felt nauseous and tried to leave. It was better to leave while he was being mistaken for Elliot. If he ran away before everything was exposed, it would be fine. Since they rented all floors of this hotel for today’s graduation party, he just needed to shut himself in any room that was open without an owner and sleep.
He had confirmed that this man hadn’t encountered Elliot, so that was enough. Whether to gradually explain the previous party incident to Elliot or keep silent about it was something he could choose later. However, the hand gripping Bernard’s waist wouldn’t loosen at all.
“Don’t you even know how to kiss?”
“I’m… not in need of money, nor am I a call girl.”
Their tightly pressed chests rubbed together. Even though it was a sensation through clothes, it was excessively vivid. Rubens’s chest rose and fell shallowly. The sensation of trembling from his laughter was transmitted as is.
“Try kissing and then think about it. It might be okay.”
It was a confident voice. Only then did he realize that what was embedded in Rubens’s voice was sexual desire. Goosebumps from tension rose all over Bernard’s body. Meanwhile, Rubens swallowed Bernard’s nape and traced his neckline with his tongue. The sensation of his tongue slowly climbing up and rubbing his jawline was stark. Bernard unknowingly flinched and trembled while grabbing his forearm. He knew that there were men in Rubens’s romantic history. But he himself…
“I’m grateful you helped me last time. I’ll be going now.”
“Think again.”
Their bodies pressed together seamlessly. The hand that firmly gripped Bernard’s shoulder blade crushed him. A leg dug between his thighs. When Bernard swallowed empty air, the man’s lips followed. The sensation of touching lips rubbing together was so chillingly soft that his shoulders naturally hunched up.
“Since you’re a familiar face, I’ll treat you pretty decently.”
This is ridiculous. Bernard felt like his entire head was evaporating white. He could blatantly feel the man’s lower part pressed against him bulging. He knew there were people whose drinking habits were the worst, but could he be the type who gets aroused when drunk? If not, there’s no way he would get an erection over him.
Hot breath pressed stickily against his lips. At the sensation of his tongue biting and pulling his trembling lower lip, Bernard naturally closed his thighs. However, the firm thigh that dug between them blocked that action. Like a winged creature pinned and mounted, Bernard couldn’t move and had to receive the pouring actions.
“Don’t… you’ll regret it… you’ll regret it.”
“Me?”
It was a reaction as if he’d heard something funny. A low laugh was rubbed against his lips. A tongue pushed in through the gap between his teeth. The thick tongue fumbled and searched through the tender flesh inside his mouth. Saliva intertwined, and at the same time, the pressure on the back of his head became intimate. Bernard flailed his hands and then grabbed the man’s shoulder.
Flesh was bitten and pulled, making wet sounds. The hands pushing away as if refusing the kiss trembled, then at a certain point completely relaxed. When Rubens dully rubbed and sucked the root of Bernard’s tongue with his tongue tip, Bernard felt his lower abdomen tingle. At that chilling sensation, strength naturally drained from his hands.
The tongue that had been tickling the roof of his mouth became densely entangled. As flesh rubbed together, hot heat rose, and the hand that had gripped his shoulder blade descended and dug between his clothes. The hand caressing his bare skin was cold. The hand that descended to around his abdomen climbed back up and held near his ribs.
“You’ll be the one regretting it.”
Bernard’s heart sank with a thud. Rubens’s voice tinged with laughter seemed to dig into his heart. He should at least say he’d never had sex with a man, that he didn’t even think about it, but his mouth absolutely wouldn’t open. He didn’t want to receive contempt or anything similar to it, at least from this man. It was a strange obsession.
Rubens was a stranger who didn’t know Bernard. He couldn’t have encountered rumors about Elliot either. Because they were people from different worlds. So just once, he wanted to receive the complete gaze of a stranger who hadn’t heard any filth.
Without showing even a shadow of himself to the other person, acting nonchalantly… even if it meant acting like someone loved all his life, he wanted to enjoy feelings of goodwill. Such base desires seethed from below. And he wanted to feel the warmth of this man whom everyone admired, at least once.
“Do you dislike me?”
“……”
“Elliot, answer. Do you dislike me?”
It was an excessively sweet tone. Bernard knew it was just coaxing words, but he couldn’t refuse. He had never received such gentle emotions from others in his life. Life was always stained with hostility. People who approached with goodwill always had a purpose. A purpose directed at Elliot, not Bernard. Even though this man was calling him Elliot right now, really… wasn’t it true that he didn’t want to have Elliot? Irrational thinking leaped around.
“No, no.”
At the small voice, the man easily stripped off his shirt and leaned his cheek against his dry chest. The sound of his heartbeat could be heard starkly. Bernard’s face flushed red. His bangs poured forward as if covering his deeply bowed face. His blinking eyes became wet, but Rubens couldn’t see.
“…I-I’m not originally this kind of person.”
“I know. Let’s say it’s because you’re drunk.”
The words that he wasn’t Elliot were crushed in his esophagus. Bernard felt his breath completely blocked. Even to his cowardly covering words, Rubens was compliant. However, he could clearly tell that the tone was teasing.
“Don’t tease me. I wasn’t seriously watching you on the talk show…”
“Talk show?”
“You appeared on Horden’s Night Show. Then… you said that being at the top isn’t all good… that you have to look at the even narrower top.”
He was clearly being shy, but Bernard rambled on like a fearless person. It was clearly the behavior of a drunk person, but he didn’t even seem to realize he was making a drunken scene.
Rubens looked over Bernard’s face, relying on the night view faintly seeping through the window. Under the dim light, only part of his face appeared and disappeared repeatedly. Nevertheless, he could sufficiently tell he was a splendid beauty. Of course, thanks to the bulk between their pressed thighs, he couldn’t help but know he was a man too. It didn’t matter. Rubens had revealed his face, not his gender preference.
“And you also said it was a lonely position because you’re alone.”
“That was nonsense for the script. Now that I see it, is this a repertoire aiming for my side?”
“No, you’re wrong… you misunderstood.”
Bernard frowned while shaking his head. However, since he was trapped in Rubens’s arms anyway, it only resulted in burying his face in his chest. Rubens buried his face in Bernard’s nape. Bernard still smelled sweetly fragrant. At that scent, Rubens’s throat burned. Should he just flip him over and crush him instead of listening to this talk at length? Sinister intentions raised their head.
“Everyone pulled that old trick of wanting to fill that loneliness. What about you?”
“…I don’t say such things. I don’t have the confidence to do so either.”
“Why?”
“Loneliness can’t be filled by people. Instead, there are better methods.”
At the unexpected answer, Rubens’s eyes narrowed again. Bernard’s voice quieted a little. As if he would escape into sleep at any moment, Rubens lightly bit his chin. He didn’t want to see those green eyes completely close. He’d rather see him crying in front of him. More precisely… he wanted to see him smile sweetly.
“And if I were going to pull a trick, I would have said I’d fill your anxiety…”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“No, that’s better. People who are adrift tremble in eternal anxiety. So, you let them know that something absolute to stand on exists. Then… anxiety also finds stability.”
Rubens hugged the person in his arms even tighter. The body of a smaller build interlocked seamlessly. Now Rubens’s shirt had also been completely stripped off and fallen outside the bed. Heat rose on their pressed bare skin. A breath of unknown ownership stretched long.
“How.”
“I’m confident in loving something obsessively.”
“Oh dear. I don’t believe in eternal love.”
In the end, it was obvious talk. Thinking so, Rubens swallowed a hollow laugh. Around the time he thought he’d listened to worthless words for too long, a thin voice continued.
“It’s okay to endlessly throw and break it. I’ll even fill your arrogance. I know my feelings can be cheap to others too. I’m used to being one-sided… Show off my feelings to others.”
“So you’re saying you’d make me unable to look at other people by forming a habit.”
“It’s not like that. Anyway… it was a story of ‘if I were pulling a trick.'”
Are you Mother Teresa? That was the first thought that came to Rubens’s mind while listening to Bernard’s voice. Many people approached Rubens using love as an excuse. In reality, they coveted the wealth he held, but outwardly professed purity. However, the person held in Rubens’s arms easily provoked him while mentioning worthless and trivial things. It seemed certain that both were terribly drunk.
“Do you think that would make me happy?”
“Mm… I thought there probably wasn’t anyone who would become something unsightly for you. Wouldn’t it be good to fill one lacking thing?”
It was an answer with unparalleled audacity. Rubens, who was pressed against him, knew better how rapidly Bernard’s heart was beating as he gasped for breath under the dim night shadows.
“You’ll do that?”
“…If you find me. Then… I will.”
Bernard’s voice trembled shakily. He didn’t even have the awareness that he should properly imitate Elliot since Rubens was misunderstanding. The shell he wore was strangely peeled off. He widened his eyes, not knowing whether he was Elliot or Bernard.
What he desired was just a handful. That he recognize Bernard, not Elliot, himself. Then he could throw his entire body and collide with him. While saying words containing that meaning, his breath filled up to his throat. Dizziness arose as if all breathing would evaporate from his lungs at any moment.
“Good.”
Their lips touched again. Strangely, the smell of alcohol felt like a sweet fragrance. He felt as if the sound of the bed sheets being crushed could be heard from afar. The man who hugged him tightly rubbed his own lips against Bernard’s wet lips again.
“First, whether you like this night.”
“You might regret tonight…”
“If you can, leave it as an eternal regret.”
And the sound of tearing open a condom wrapper was heard.
