My father who entered my room told me not to go to school for a while and rest at home. I could tell he was buying time to clean up the mess I had caused. Seeing him come to my room without my mom knowing and telling me this, it meant he wanted me to make it seem like my own decision to my mom.
So I didn’t go to school. As expected, when my mom found out the truth she went crazy, but to me lying down with a severe fever from being seriously ill, my mom cursed at me but didn’t lay a hand on me. She kept changing cold towels and muttering various curses while taking care of porridge and medicine for me, but she couldn’t give my back a satisfying smack.
On the other hand, my father laughed it off saying boys grow up like that, and that he was actually frustrated that I had been living my school life too quietly. Feeling the drowsiness washing over me after taking medicine, I thought this time somehow my father would win over my mom.
Yesterday Kkotmoa took me to where the car was. In the meantime, Kang Junwoo brought my bag from the classroom. Kkotmoa and Kang Junwoo waited together lingering near the car until Secretary Park came out, and I sat in the back seat of the car half-lying down. Even after Secretary Park came out about 15 minutes later and started the engine, Kkotmoa and I didn’t say anything. We just made eye contact. Even the next-door puppy who had been barking like a dog suffering from heat was strangely quiet. Eventually the car departed, but no one opened their mouth.
Kkotmoa didn’t contact me. There were no calls or messages. I wondered if he was studying well without the math god, English god, or language god, if there were any more bastards spouting nonsense—even while sick, my head was full of thoughts only of Kkotmoa. I wanted to at least hear his voice, but I didn’t contact him either. I just felt like I shouldn’t contact him.
Kang Junwoo must have been calling every break time because whenever I woke up there were missed calls, but I pretended not to know. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Except you.
After being sick in bed for four days straight, I gradually recovered my strength. I’m not lying, I really didn’t say anything for four days straight. When the time came I ate the porridge and medicine my mom gave me, and even when she asked me to at least tell her the reason, I pretended not to hear and pretended to be sicker. Washing, eating, sleeping—other than that, what I did was think about Kkotmoa.
Kang Junwoo called to the point of seeming obsessive. If he had studied with this kind of tenacity, he would have greatly succeeded. Still, he was my only friend at school, and I had ignored his calls for four days, so it was getting awkward to keep ignoring him. Actually, I was curious about Kkotmoa’s news.
“Yeah.”
-Bastard, listen to that voice. You weren’t answering your phone so much I thought you died. The guys who got beaten to a pulp are elsewhere, but you’re pretending to be sick from just a cold?
“…”
-Your mom called me yesterday. She said you’re exercising your right to remain silent?
“You’ve grown a lot, knowing the term right to remain silent.”
Beyond the phone, the bastard barked away using profanity. Hearing this after a long time made me laugh.
-Has this bastard really lost his mind? Why are you laughing and shit, it’s scary.
“I can’t cry, can I?”
-Crazy bastard, just cry then, fuck. It’s gross so don’t even dream of crying in front of me.
Only four days had passed, but seeing Kkotmoa felt like something that happened ages ago. Holding your hand felt like something too distant.
I missed you.
-Don’t you have anything you’re curious about?
“…No.”
-Nothing you want to ask either?
“No.”
-Stop bullshitting. If you don’t ask now, I won’t answer anything, so think carefully and speak.
At this time, he would be at school. Looking at the clock, it was class time. I wondered if the teacher had left after making them self-study. Ah, did they start vacation? Not yet? When was vacation again? But still, it shouldn’t be okay to talk on the phone with such loud noise. It’s funny, I beat up the kids like that and I’m only worried about a phone call. But if it’s the classroom…
“…Where are you?”
Are you next to him too, are you hearing my voice too?
-Huh. That’s all you’re asking? The rooftop, fuck. Why, worried someone might be next to me?
I didn’t say anything because he hit the nail on the head. I don’t know when the bastard who would mix his sense of tact into bibim noodles and roll it into mul noodles suddenly became so quick-witted.
“When did you know?”
-Know what?
“…”
-Do you think I’m an idiot? No matter how oblivious I am, did you think I wouldn’t know when you were being so obvious?
“I never showed it.”
-Stop your bullshit. A bastard whose only friend is me being suspicious from when he wouldn’t change seats. A bastard who won’t study together if the level doesn’t match, but acts like he’s tutoring—you didn’t show it? Fuck, holding hands while spouting nonsense about a math god, am I blind? I thought you had a mango ghost attached to you, what with those mango desserts piled up like a mountain, you crazy bastard.
Ah, I guess it showed more than I thought.
That’s why if rumors were going to spread, Kkotmoa shouldn’t have been the target. The arrow of rumors should have been aimed at me. Because I was the one who liked him. Because I was the one who showed it while playing around. But nineteen-year-olds knew exactly like ghosts who the relatively weaker one was and attacked.
-Did you know? That his dad is hospitalized.
“…Yeah.”
-When I checked the source, there was a bastard whose mom was hospitalized at the same hospital from a traffic accident. He seems to have seen Kkotmoa’s family. Said there’s a really young sibling too.
Still, that bastard had no right to carelessly run his mouth about someone else’s private matters. He shouldn’t have. I swung my fists at that bastard without even asking why. I threw chairs and threw desks. Maybe Kang Junwoo who made him open his mouth is more rational and wise than me.
-Because you turned everything upside down, the rumors have all disappeared now and it’s quiet. I don’t know what they’re whispering about behind backs, but at least there’s no one who openly does that in front of Kkotmoa anymore.
But the following words were painful. Kkotmoa lost his friends. According to Kang Junwoo, there were no more kids ordering flowers or kids clinging to Kkotmoa. He said it was a shame he couldn’t see Kkotmoa holding flowers at school anymore. It wasn’t my concern. With only a few months left until the college entrance exam, there wouldn’t be any crazy kids ordering flowers to confess anymore. Everyone was too busy with their own studies to have time to hang out with friends. Also, if I wanted to see Kkotmoa buried in flowers, I could just go to the flower shop. Though I don’t know if I’d have the courage to do that after causing such a big mess. But maybe secretly stealing a look would be okay…
“How is… he doing?”
-He just studies like he’s dead. Doesn’t smile much, has earphones in his ears and just digs into workbooks.
In the end, it was me who stole your smile.
“You take good care of him.”
-If you’re so worried, come and take care of him yourself, fuck.
Maybe I actually wanted to cry. Because I couldn’t find where my heart that jumped out of my chest was, because you didn’t swallow it so it must be floating somewhere alone and lonely, because that hurt so much I wanted to cry.
-The day after you caused trouble, Kkotmoa went to the homeroom teacher and said it was because he was sexually harassed…
“What? Why would he…”
-Are you asking because you don’t know? He was desperately trying to do something, worried sick about whether you’d get suspended or expelled because of him… The homeroom teacher tried to somehow resolve the problem, but do you know what the vice principal and other teachers said? Fuck, they said it could be friends joking around, that Kkotmoa might be receiving it sensitively because he has two dads, to not make it a big deal and cover it up. Does this make sense?
Not only society was crazy, but the school was crazy too. When problems arose, the rotten old way of being desperate to cover things up because of the school’s image was eating away at us. That doesn’t mean I was right to express my resentment through violence, but after hearing the story, I had even less regret.
-After knowing he couldn’t get help from the teachers, he just studies to death like he’s crazy about studying.
All a normal nineteen-year-old exam-taker without power or backing could do was study. Who would compensate for his wounds when he couldn’t even get an apology, let alone any measures, after hearing such words? Maybe the teachers’ response made it even harder for Kkotmoa.
“What did you do?”
-Fuck, I was so pissed I turned the teachers’ office upside down like a delinquent and got my card confiscated by my oldest hyung.
“…You take care of him.”
-Crazy bastard. Didn’t even ask about you. He doesn’t really want to talk to me either.
It seemed I was the only one who missed him. Like most unrequited loves, but I don’t know why only I hurt and struggle this much. I felt like I’d go crazy from missing him. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t be able to go see him. Because my feelings had already overflowed, I was afraid that the moment I saw him I wouldn’t be able to control myself and would pluck the flower.
* * *
A bit more time passed and I continued not going to school using vacation as an excuse. Even my mom didn’t object to my father’s words to stay home. Even though it was vacation, high school seniors had to attend every day, but that was unrelated to me. Regardless of the school policy, I also didn’t want to go to school. I was afraid of what face I should use to face him.
When I recovered to the point where I could no longer pretend to be sick, my mom smashed my back with a smash every time she saw me. She was desperate to destroy my back while making absurd, contextless, baseless, groundless excuses. It seemed she wanted to relieve her upset feelings even by doing that, so I silently took it. Still, it was my mom who called the homeroom teacher so I wouldn’t have to go to school.
Time given fairly to everyone flowed quickly and it became mid-August. It had already been a month since I’d seen Kkotmoa. I endured day by day, barely holding onto my heart that felt like it would die from missing you. I didn’t even leave my room except to eat. I was barely breathing by holding onto the words you had said to me.
