“Well, who was it? Quite a few said it. It’s just a joke anyway. If I just stay one more semester, I’ll graduate, and then the kids won’t even remember me, right?”
His casual words twisted my insides. Why does he talk about himself so nonchalantly like this…? These were clearly words that would hurt, and as if the hurt wasn’t enough, even though it was pain like digging into that wound with fingernails, his tone was numb as if he didn’t particularly care. His tone was so calm that if a stranger heard it, they’d think he was talking about someone else.
That made me even angrier. At the end of being a minor but not yet an adult either, nineteen didn’t require responsibility, and therefore could spout whatever came out of their mouths. I wanted to rip all those mouths apart.
Ah…
Suddenly I recalled the sense of discomfort when I went to the snack bar and then entered the classroom. In the situation where Kang Junwoo was presumed to have thrown a punch at someone’s face, that bastard had been crushed even under the desk. The gazes that had gathered on Kkotmoa at that time were because of the rumors. I shouldn’t have followed Kang Junwoo to the rooftop then. If I’d somehow stayed by Kkotmoa’s side, he wouldn’t have had to hear those filthy words.
“I asked who said it.”
“Hm? I wasn’t really paying attention when I heard it, so I don’t remember well. With the college entrance exam right around the corner, how many days will someone else’s rumor last?”
“Never mind.”
I just had to find out myself. The rumor wasn’t the problem. Rumors are bound to disappear someday. What I couldn’t stand was the dirty, vile lust of those bastards who spouted that shit to Kkotmoa.
‘Asking if you can do it with a guy, saying they want to lay you down or whatever.’
Ha, fuck.
“I’m leaving.”
“Huh? You’re not studying today?”
“Don’t leave the kid alone and come out.”
After pressing down on Kkotmoa’s shoulder to make him sit as he was getting up, I grabbed my bag and came out as if fleeing. I couldn’t stay with him in that narrow room any longer. My steps gradually quickened and soon became a run.
‘…Ah fuck, really! Put up a fence or something, you fucker. Don’t let any dog or cow drool while looking over the wall. Ah, fuck! I’m so fucking pissed.’
Kang Junwoo had known my feelings that I foolishly tried to hide. The one who protected my flower today wasn’t me but Kang Junwoo. And while we were briefly away, my flower was scratched here and there by sharp thorns.
The fact that I might be harboring the same desires as them terrified me. No, I had realized it. That I too had been looking at pure you with those eyes. That the meaning of me liking you wasn’t different from those bastards’ dirty, vile lust. That in truth, I’d been hoping you were someone who could do it with a guy.
I couldn’t be satisfied just looking at the flower. I wanted to pluck the flower. I wanted to pluck that flower and bring it to my room. I hated even letting people passing by on the street see it. I wanted to have the flower all to myself.
Once I realized my desire, I couldn’t stand it. You were my purity and innocence, yet I couldn’t bear the fact that I had the urge to possess you.
Without you knowing, I’d wanted to have you.
Raindrops began to fall on my head and soon turned into thick sheets of rain. Come to think of it, I think I’d heard a weather forecast saying the rainy season would be a bit late this year. Without even thinking to take out the umbrella in my bag, I walked in the rain. I walked in the rain until my legs became so heavy I couldn’t walk anymore, until my whole body was soaked and shivering.
Hoping the painfully beating rainwater would wash away even my impure desires, I walked and walked and walked again through the rain.
* * *
The next day, leaving behind Mom’s worry to skip school, I went to school with a body burning with fever. I started with the guy who’d been crushed under the desk yesterday. From that bastard’s mouth came another bastard’s name, and from that bastard’s mouth came yet another bastard’s name. Like a food chain, I dealt with the bastards with dirty, vile desires one by one as if doing a baton touch.
This was the first time I’d beaten people up this thoroughly. Rather, when I’d dealt with the seniors who asked to be recommended to our group, I’d cleanly resolved it with skill and technique. But now I was swinging my fists and feet recklessly like a brainless beast. Even Kang Junwoo didn’t dare try to stop me. From the start, guys who just sat in their seats and only studied every day were no match for me, who didn’t neglect exercise daily. Physical conditions were also very different. Even if I was criticized for attacking when we weren’t in the same weight class, I didn’t care.
Someone screamed, someone cried and begged for forgiveness, and I think I heard ambulance sounds. I didn’t remember exactly. With a body boiling with fever, all I could do was wield violence, and my thinking was paralyzed from the extreme pain.
When I came to my senses, I was in the counseling room. In conclusion, from the bastards who spread the rumors to the guys who said hurtful words to Kkotmoa even if it was a joke, and of course the bastards who spouted filthy words—I’d beaten them all half to death. Ironically, the one who brought the homeroom teacher to stop me was Kkotmoa.
Maybe I’d wanted to kill myself.
The student affairs director holding a thick club came into the counseling room. What should I do, should I even take on the teacher and ask Father to cover it up, becoming a typical third-generation chaebol bastard, or should I cosplay as a model student trembling in fear not knowing what punishment would fall before the college entrance exam—it was hard even to sit because of the annoying fever and headache. Because I’d used my body so much, I had severe muscle pain all over. I just wanted to let everything go. I wanted to close my eyes and lie down on a soft bed and sleep.
I wanted to hold you, full of flower scent, and sleep peacefully.
“Do Hyeondo, what the hell did you do?! Is it enough just to study well? You need to be a person, you’re not even a gangster kid, why are you swinging fists at kids who were just sitting there! Right now how many people were loaded into the ambulance…”
“You said you contacted my parents. I’ll open my mouth when they arrive.”
Ridiculously, when I used my parents as an excuse, the student affairs director shut his mouth tight. One way or another, he didn’t want to touch the D Group heir for whom firing one teacher would be nothing. A hollow laugh came out at that shallow psychology. Could that kind of teacher even be called a true educator? Rather, the homeroom teacher with a large build and soft heart who thumped my back as if upset, then worried about me burning with fever and brought me to the counseling room, was much more humane and suited to being an educator.
“Excuse me. I came as Hyeondo’s guardian. I’m Park Haewon.”
Secretary Park came. How old is Secretary Park, is he ten years older than me… Whether he’s ten years older or twenty years older, what does it matter, the fact that he came as my guardian instead of my parents doesn’t change anyway. Only then did I remember that at the beginning of the semester, I’d written Secretary Park’s number and the company Secretary Park position as the guardian contact and submitted it. If not, Mom would have rushed over and thoroughly scolded me and beaten me until my back was smashed.
I struggled to get up. Whether the fever was severe, I swayed from momentary dizziness. Secretary Park quickly supported me. Regardless, I only thought that now I could go home and sleep.
“Your body is like a fireball. Wait in the car, I’ll handle this quickly and go.”
The only adult who used honorifics with me, and the man who wrote a pledge after being threatened by me after investigating Kkotmoa’s family’s financial situation. It was better than my parents coming. At least Secretary Park wouldn’t ask me things like why I did it.
“But Hyeondo’s disciplinary action…”
“Teacher. Are you Hyeondo’s homeroom teacher?”
“That’s not the case, but…”
“I’ll talk with Hyeondo’s homeroom teacher. The Chairman also has a message for me to deliver.”
In the coldly cooled air, the taut string of tension tightened. The student affairs director, who seemed about to say more, left the counseling room with a rotten expression. He’d probably call the homeroom teacher.
“If it’s hard to go out alone, shall I escort you to the car?”
“No. Handle it moderately and come out. I don’t care if it’s suspension or expulsion.”
“I’ll handle my duties myself. First, take care of your body. I’ll finish quickly and take you to the hospital.”
I roughly nodded and left the counseling room. In front of the counseling room, Kang Junwoo stood with a worried face. Seeing Kang Junwoo’s serious, complicated expression made me chuckle.
“Are you laughing right now? Laughing? Crazy bastard, does this make you laugh?”
“Be grateful. Thanks to me, what you did yesterday will be buried.”
“Fuck, I’m so grateful I could cry. You monster-like bastard. Crazy bastard. Trashy bastard.”
It was hard to stand, so I draped my arm over Kang Junwoo’s shoulder. I was thinking of leaning on this bastard like this to get to the car, then asking him to bring my bag. If I hadn’t discovered the object crouching next to Kang Junwoo.
I’m sure the bell rang, isn’t it class time now—in the time I was thinking that, Kkotmoa raised his head and met my eyes. His eyes were brimming with tears.
Ah, did I make him cry…
I wanted to die. When it was barely enough just to make him smile, I made him cry with my desire that had nowhere to be released. Even though he must know that all the bastards I beat and sent to the hospital in ambulances were guys who spat filthy words at Kkotmoa or spread rumors, he didn’t ask me why, let alone anything else. He just got up, wrapped my right hand stained with blood in both his hands, and made a pained expression.
“…”
“…If you waited, say something. You must have waited because you have something to say.”
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
“…No.”
“Yeah, that’s a relief.”
As if that was all he had to say, he closed his mouth. It looked like he was holding back to keep from shedding tears. With my left hand that didn’t have blood on it, I stroked the back of Kkotmoa’s head. The round shape and the softness wrapping around my hand felt good. I wished I could keep stroking like this while lying down comfortably and sleeping. Because of the fever, my eyes kept closing, and my muscles screamed that their stamina was drained. Even so, I didn’t want to stop stroking. I didn’t want to avoid the eyes we met. I didn’t want to pull away the blood-stained hand held in his two hands.
Deonggeori must have learned to hold back tears from Kkotmoa. Even with tears brimming, Kkotmoa didn’t cry until the end. We stood like that for a long time without saying anything. Making eye contact, stroking your head, with my blood-soaked hand entrusted to you, we were silent. Until Kang Junwoo dragged me away saying the homeroom teacher was coming.
I’m sorry that all I can do for you are these childish acts.
I’m sorry that all I can do for you are these clumsy, immature acts.
And yet, still, because I like you and want to have you…
…That’s why I’m sorry.
Even until I left school leaving him behind, I couldn’t spit out the words that lingered in my mouth.
