Are you too tiny to even carry this? So if we battle over who likes Kkotmoa more, I’ll win. Deonggeori, you weren’t even in the game against me from the start.
While having childish thoughts I could never let out even if I died, I carried Deonggeori in one arm and headed to the checkout counter. Next to me, Kkotmoa was chirping like a sparrow saying he’d carry either Deonggeori or the toys, but I pretended not to hear.
I don’t want you, whom I like, to carry anything. If it were up to me, I’d want to carry the bag on your shoulder too. If possible, I’d want to carry you around, not Deonggeori.
Recently, only words I couldn’t say to Kkotmoa were piling up. Thinking they might be words I could never say for the rest of my life, my heart ached for no reason. The deeper my unrequited love became, the deeper my resolve to hide my feelings without getting caught.
“Jaea-ya, you have to say thank you, right?”
“Hyung-ah chingu, buy Jaea thank.”
Deonggeori’s head near my nape bowed down then returned to its place. No matter how much slower he was than his peers, I worried if it was okay for a kid who was already five years old to not properly say complete sentences like this every time, but at the same time it was cute enough to make my ribs ache seeing him squirm while greeting. It tickled like ants crawling all over my body. Not knowing what to answer, I spoke gruffly for no reason.
“There’s thirty-two thousand won left, so let’s eat before we go.”
“Weren’t you going to pocket it?”
“Ah really, what do you take me for? I got a hundred thousand won from my mom, so I have to use it all up. Hey, Deonggeori. What do you want to eat?”
The soft, squishy jelly lump squirmed. Seeing him roll his big, pitch-black eyes around, it seemed he was thinking about what he wanted to eat. But he couldn’t answer easily and just moved his lips while staring intently at Kkotmoa. Kkotmoa was smiling while looking at Deonggeori and me. It wasn’t his usual innocent and bright smile, but somehow seemed to contain the satisfaction called a dad’s smile.
“Jaea-ya, you can tell Hyeondo hyung-ah what you want to eat.”
“Heondo hyung-ah?”
“Don’t change someone else’s name carelessly. It’s not Heondo, it’s Hyeondo.”
“…Jaea dongkateu.”
The guy who had been moving his lips at my threatening gave up quickly, perhaps finding Hyeondo’s pronunciation difficult, and said the menu he wanted to eat. I heard him practicing very quietly near my nape saying ‘Heondo, Heomdo, Hyeongdo,’ but until we arrived at the pork cutlet restaurant, I couldn’t hear the correct pronunciation of Hyeondo even once. Still, I thought he deserved an effort award for being admirable in practicing to call me correctly.
I ordered two pork cutlet sets and one children’s pork cutlet. Worried that Kkotmoa might not eat properly while taking care of Deonggeori, I first cut Deonggeori’s pork cutlet into small pieces and fed it to him. Kkotmoa, who seemed like he would stop me, muttered in a barely audible voice, ‘Anyway, he’s really kind,’ and started cutting the pork cutlet placed in front of him.
“…What.”
In front of my eyes was a fork with pork cutlet pierced on it. That fork was connected to Kkotmoa’s hand.
“Ah, say ‘ah.’ You’re not eating anything because you’re feeding Jaea. I’m giving you a reward for being good.”
Who’s saying who is good?
I felt Deonggeori staring intently, but I pretended not to notice and opened my mouth to receive the pork cutlet. The pork cutlet melted smoothly on the tip of my tongue, making me wonder if pork cutlet had always been this delicious. After that too, Kkotmoa put one in his own mouth, one in my mouth, alternating, and I pretended to be busy taking care of Deonggeori while receiving and eating smoothly. In case Kkotmoa wouldn’t feed me if I looked even a little relaxed. I had the distant thought that if Kkotmoa would just keep feeding me, I’d want to feed Deonggeori meals for the rest of my life.
Because the shopping took longer than planned since we ended up eating dinner too, when we arrived at Kkotmoa’s house it was well past 8 o’clock. Deonggeori was asleep in my arms, making soft breathing sounds.
“Lay him down here.”
Kkotmoa, who had spread out bedding in a corner of the room, said. I hadn’t noticed while holding him, but after laying him down, my arms seemed a bit numb from holding him for nearly three hours. Kkotmoa would hold him for even more time than me, so wouldn’t those thin, soft arms hurt? I worried whether I should separately threaten Deonggeori later, telling him he’s not at an age to be carried anymore so he should be independent.
With the sleeping Deonggeori beside us, we sat facing each other with workbooks spread on the table. Watching Kkotmoa take out a language domain workbook, I naturally placed my hand on the table. Kkotmoa, who had opened the workbook, entwined his five delicate fingers with my fingers as usual. I thought we’d study right away since time was delayed, but Kkotmoa interlaced even his other hand, so with both hands completely interlaced, he made eye contact with me.
“Do Teacher, I’ve been thinking.”
“…About what.”
If it was just one hand I could handle it, but with both hands interlaced and feeling each other all the way to the fingertip joints, I swallowed dry saliva. My breathing was getting faster and I was troubled not knowing how to solve it.
“After the college entrance exam, regardless of the results, I’ll grant you one wish.”
“…Why.”
“Because I’m grateful you taught me to study all this time. Think about it until you take the exam, what wish you’ll ask me to grant.”
“What kind of wish do you think I’ll say?”
“Um… if it’s you, you’ll say a wish I can grant. So it’s okay to say any wish.”
A raindrop piercing a rock is instantaneous. No matter how weak the raindrop is and how solid the rock is, what accumulated from persistently knocking for a long time reaches the point where it actually pierces in a very fleeting moment, all at once. As if mocking the thought that it would never be pierced because something too weak was hitting something very solid.
A dam overflowing is also instantaneous. When it rains, and rains again, and keeps accumulating, when it actually overflows it’s a very fleeting moment, overflowing all at once. Even if you block it with your whole body, you’ll be swept away and carried off, but you can never stop it. As if mocking the thought that it would never overflow because the dam was built so high and solid.
So the feelings I had steadily built up also overflowed. No matter how much I tried to hide them, they overflowed uncontrollably and burst out of my mouth unconsciously.
“I like you.”
My feelings overflowed instantly, and in the blink of an eye. I absolutely couldn’t stop them.
“I like you, Shin Moa.”
The name spreading across my lips felt unfamiliar. Only then did I realize. Whether Kkotmoa or Shin Moa, I had never once called his name. When you like someone too much, you can’t even call their name. I was learning things I didn’t know.
However, the protagonist of the name I put in my mouth for the first time just stared at me intently. My overflowing feelings couldn’t meet their owner and floated through the air with nowhere to be rewarded. They floated pitifully and tenderly. I couldn’t hold it in at all, so it burst out. As if mocking myself for being conceited that I could hide my feelings while being next to you whom I like so much.
“Me…”
“I like you.”
Like a rock being pierced leaving a mark, like a dam overflowing sweeping away everything, I hoped my heart that jumped out of my mouth would be swallowed by you.
His trembling was transmitted through our clasped fingertips. His eyes that always reflected me clearly blurred murkily as if sinking into the deep sea. I didn’t intend to confess like this, no, I had no intention of confessing, I tried so hard to hide it somehow, yet even while feeling my chest stuffy from feelings that had already overflowed, I thought I felt relieved. Feeling the finely trembling fingertips, I gradually found it harder to breathe.
The slightest expectation I couldn’t throw away with a just-in-case feeling, even knowing he would reject me.
The desperate hope that maybe he wouldn’t refuse to swallow my heart since we were holding hands like this.
Kkotmoa bit his lower lip as if thinking about something and was silent for a moment. While making eye contact with me, with all our fingers on both hands entwined and interlaced, he just looked at me. Having spit out my heart, I couldn’t say any more words until he opened his mouth first.
The softness that had been touching all the way to my fingertips slowly disappeared. His hands that had been clasping mine until just now tormented the corners of the workbook. I knew this was rejection. But what came out of his mouth was something I hadn’t expected at all.
“…Are you like that too?”
“Like what?”
“It seems like the rumor about me being adopted and only having two dads has spread.”
“What?”
I was genuinely surprised. Kkotmoa had told only me those facts. I had never disclosed that to anyone. But how on earth did the rumor spread, and if by any chance he asked if I was the one who did it, what should I answer, if I said it wasn’t me would he believe me—confused, I couldn’t open my mouth at the tangled thoughts going every which way.
“Earlier the kids were talking about the rumors and said things like that. Whether you can do it with a guy, they want to pin me down or something. At first when I heard it I felt bad, but how should I say…”
Kkotmoa, who said it was a secret he was telling only me, didn’t ask me anything all day today even though the rumor had spread. If only he had asked me if I spread the rumor, I would have known a bit earlier and wouldn’t have let him hear such dirty words.
“Rather than feeling bad, I was more amazed that the kids changed so easily. They were friends who were laughing and chatting together just yesterday.”
I was momentarily at a loss for words. Kkotmoa had heard such things at school but acted like nothing happened, taking Deonggeori with me to shop at the department store and eat. He had smiled at me without showing any signs at all. I couldn’t even guess what he was feeling, how hurt he was, what he was thinking now. I wanted to kill whatever crazy bastards said such things. I was also furious at Kkotmoa for hearing that and spouting such nonsense. Being adopted isn’t a crime. Having only two dads can’t be called a crime either. Kkotmoa didn’t have the right to choose his parents. But…
“Who said that?”
“Huh?”
“Who said such crap?”
The voice that sank low and became eerie sounded unfamiliar even to my own ears. I was holding back my anger with all my might to that extent. Because I didn’t want to show such a side in front of Kkotmoa. Because I was hurting too much at his appearance of still calmly opening his mouth.
