It seemed he needed to sort that out first. Why was the word “first” coming out of his mouth when for him, this was recorded as the second time with him?
“That day?”
“…The day I went to your place drunk…”
“That day, you’re saying I slept with hyung?”
“……”
“That never happened though…?”
The muttered voice was even bewildered at a glance, so Eunha had to freeze without even moving like a person in a photograph.
Why. Why wouldn’t it have happened? How could it not have happened…? His thought process went blank and crumbled. It was when he was struggling to force his barely functioning head to work.
“I thought you remembered.”
“…I pretended to. From what I could roughly see, it was obvious enough to guess. I was worried that if I said I didn’t remember, I’d just create unnecessary trouble.”
“……”
“But there seems to have been a misunderstanding.”
So, sorry but could you explain… The truth is I really don’t remember anything at all. At the crawling murmur, Yeonjun silently opened his lips. And so, in the voice that reenacted that day which he came to hear about, he himself had been nothing more than a very unsightly drunk.
Feeling nauseous and finally crouching down in front of a streetlight to vomit out the contents, being barely dragged along with support before suddenly struggling with erratic behavior, enthusiastically moving away somewhere on his own before collapsing on the street. Throwing a fit saying it hurt.
The entire time he listened, he couldn’t believe it and his blood ran cold moment by moment. He was bewildered. That he had caused such a scene to someone else. That he had completely forgotten about it after doing that.
That after doing that, after unilaterally being indebted, he had been cultivating ridiculous misunderstandings all this time, saying it was mutual or whatever.
“No, I really did that… Vomited and everything…”
“Mm. Though it was all just stomach acid.”
Should that be considered fortunate? His expression crumbled helplessly.
“After arriving home, your sleeve part was dirty so I took off your clothes. Ah. I did take them off though.”
“……”
“I didn’t see anything. …Because it was dark.”
Yeonjun’s eyes, adding explanation, unconsciously rolled smoothly down to Eunha’s chest. At the gaze treatment that was practically an admission of having seen everything, Eunha had to snicker for a moment, forgetting even the situation.
Then he slowly turned pale.
“…Okay. I get that. I understand… But.”
“……”
“It wouldn’t be your first time at all, right?”
That too was closer to a denial, hoping it wasn’t the case.
“It is though.”
“…You’re saying it is.”
“Yes.”
“…Are you perhaps lying for no reason…”
“…Why would I lie about that?”
Crazy…
“Then you’re really saying you were a virgin?”
“……”
Since it was right after they had thoroughly stuck together, strictly speaking it would be more correct to use the past tense. Yeonjun didn’t correct such a minor error though.
However, he noticeably flinched. Unconsciously twitching his cheek while sneakily looking this way. Like someone who had absolutely no immunity to such explicit vocabulary.
“…If you say it that directly like that.”
Eunha pressed his forehead. While falling into a blankness where his vision seemed to be painted pitch black. As he staggered helplessly in shock, a hand that suddenly approached gripped his shoulder as if supporting him.
“Are you okay?”
“Ah… Yeah. No… No, actually—”
“……”
“Haah. Just a moment. Just a second…”
Eunha shook his head incoherently. He needed time to think. The past month flashed rapidly through his dizzyingly tangled mind. The suspicious customer who showed his face every day. Every moment when he had viewed disagreeably the man who obviously had blatant interest.
He had naturally thought he was the same kind. Though it was a definition based solely on vague intuition, he had never once doubted his judgment. Because he had frequently detected similar vibes from certain someones over the years, and since it hadn’t been far off each time, he thought this time would be similar too.
Within Eunha’s sphere of recognition, Yeonjun had never not been a sexually promiscuous person. A guy already worn out despite being young. A slut pretending to be innocent… He had only thought that way all along. So that day, he had naturally judged that they had slept together. Because no other hypothesis was particularly established besides that.
The fact that sex while drunk was as common an everyday occurrence to Eunha as anything also played a part.
But the truth was that had never happened, and it was even his first time having sex.
What was this? What did it mean?
“……”
He remembered the man who had particularly often evoked disparate impressions. Him who smiled docilely unlike what would be expected, acted coy unlike what would be expected, showed innocent words and actions unlike what would be expected.
He had just learned the fact that it wasn’t any pretense or coyness, but it didn’t become a particularly clear feeling. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe him. Apart from wanting to deny it, he couldn’t help but believe it now. There wasn’t particularly any part that was unbelievable either.
Right. The identity of all the sense of disparity he had felt toward the man was a misconception. It was an illusion. A preconception created by his own prejudice and misunderstanding.
However, Eunha couldn’t shake off the question. It was the most fundamental question remaining in the place where all that sense of disparity had dissolved.
He understood it was a misunderstanding, but how could it be a misunderstanding?
How could the sex just before have been his first time…
With that excellent exterior. While not having such tremendous conviction about chastity that he’d be swept up to a hotel while drunk.
What had he been doing and where had he been living all this time?
“…How old are you?”
Just how old are you?
The moment he brought it out of his mouth, Eunha, who had become anxious, moistened his lips. While revealing his anxiety directly in his expression without being able to hide it.
Yeonjun looked at Eunha silently. He blinked his eyes a few times. Still calmly.
The answer couldn’t be more concise than that.
“I’m twenty years old.”
“……”
A very clear answer.
At the one possibility he had only hoped wouldn’t be the case, Eunha, who turned pale in an instant, squeezed his eyes shut. Like someone who wanted to escape from reality even for a moment by doing so.
Eventually covering his face completely with both hands, he had to let out a long sigh like despair.
‘Ah fuck… Crazy…’
It seemed he had probably caused a major accident.
**Chapter 2**
What is an adult? When he was very young, the definition of an adult was clear. Parents, friends’ parents, school teachers, doctors and nurses at the hospital. Looking at people who functioned as members of society like that, they all seemed vaguely cool, felt like incredibly wonderful and amazing people, and seemed to have mastered everything in the world.
Looking at them who seemed like people completed without deficiency, he used to think. He inflated his dreams. What kind of adult will I become? By around twenty-five, I’ll have achieved various amazing accomplishments. By around thirty, like them, I’ll have become a wonderful adult that people look up to, and by around forty… Like that.
However, now that he had come to be flowing through somewhere in that age range, he had no idea at all what an adult was. How many more years would he need to age to become an adult? Would things be a bit different around thirty?
Now he knew the answer. No. He still wouldn’t know anything. Perhaps he might never know. In Eunha’s thinking, there was no such thing as a complete adult in the world. There were just people who plausibly acted like adults.
People who, in order to avoid at least appearing disgraceful in the eyes of any young and small someones who were cultivating dreams while contemplating what an adult is, in order to fulfill minimal duty as an elder—made mature choices and shouldered responsibility even when unwilling.
Members of society. Mature choices. Responsibility… Though Eunha had completely deviated from such things at some point and was in charge of being “that kind of person” in “don’t become that kind of person,” though he was living a life in a form that couldn’t give dreams or hope to anyone, even such a him had a conscience that he rightfully possessed. No matter how much it was a life lived in debauchery, he hadn’t forgotten the minimal propriety as an elder.
