It was when his climax was slowly rising. The penis that had been filling him tightly the whole time suddenly pulled out without warning.
“Ah, hup…”
“…Hyung?”
Goosebumps rose at the sensation of suddenly being scratched inside and feeling empty. The moment trembling arose in his sensitized belly, his shoulder was gently grabbed. Eunha turned around limply at the slowly pulling hand and irritably lifted his eyes. What entered his vision like that was a face looking down at him under the dim illumination of the indirect lighting.
A gaze that seemed to be slowly examining him. If those slowly rolling eyes seemed puzzled as if trying to understand the situation, it must be a mistake.
However, the voice that followed made it impossible to dismiss it as a mistake.
“Did I make it hard on you?”
“…”
For a moment, Eunha wrinkled his nose bridge like someone who had heard utterly absurd words and silently opened and closed his mouth before shutting it. The reproach that this couldn’t possibly be a real question rose to the tip of his throat but couldn’t come out, because strangely, it sounded like a tone that was asking purely out of genuine ignorance.
Even though not knowing such a thing made no sense by common standards.
“…Isn’t that obvious?”
And when he finally managed to answer belatedly, Eunha had to witness the two eyes meeting his shake faintly. Because it looked exactly like he was flustered.
He couldn’t understand it at all.
“Ah… I didn’t know.”
“…You didn’t know.”
“You didn’t particularly say anything like that.”
“Do I have to say it for you to know…?”
At the deflated murmur, the pitch-black eyes vaguely turned elsewhere. Yeonjun, who swallowed as if choosing his words, lightly cleared his throat. Like someone hesitating before saying something embarrassing.
“…You kept crying out in pleasure.”
“…”
“So I just, thought it was okay.”
“…”
“Are you okay?”
The gaze that landed again stealthily began wandering all over Eunha’s face. Reading the regretful inner feelings from it without difficulty, Eunha finally had to become indescribably uncomfortable. Regret. And this appearance of seeming to have newly recognized a fact he didn’t know at all…
All the man’s words and actions that deviated far from normal expectations drove Eunha into the middle of incomprehensibility.
Actually, it wasn’t an unfamiliar sense of alienation. Whenever he faced the man, he often felt a similar awkwardness. Despite his promiscuous private life being clearly visible, whenever the man seemed to advocate for some kind of innocent personality, whenever he put on airs with that flashy face, he would inwardly criticize him for pretending to be needlessly demure. However.
‘…To think he would “pretend” to this extent.’
It was the first time such doubt arose.
A doubt so unsettling that he didn’t want to dig into it.
“…I must look okay to you right now.”
Even while instantly buried in distant thoughts, Eunha delivered a dry, flavorless reproach without showing it. At the completely hoarse voice, Yeonjun obediently shook his head with the face of someone belatedly pricked. Then he wore a face that seemed briefly lost in thought before starting with “Why didn’t you say…” and trailing off.
It was easy to guess the omitted latter part. He must have wanted to ask why he hadn’t said a single word to stop if it wasn’t okay at all.
It was something close to habitual neglect or endurance. In bed with someone, Eunha would just roughly endure and pass the moment as it came—if they hurt him, they hurt him; if they clung to him until it was overwhelming, they clung to him. Primarily, it was neglect stemming from pessimism about what great consideration could be expected from a partner in a sexual relationship based on need, and to some extent, there was also a tendency mixed in to disregard the pain inflicted on himself.
Whether it hurt or not, he didn’t care.
But there was no need to bother explaining such personal circumstances. Eunha asked plainly.
“Why didn’t I say anything?”
“…No.”
“Don’t say no. You were just about to say that.”
“I wasn’t. Just.”
“Just. What.”
“…Just, I think I did wrong.”
After the heavily remorseful admission, an apology followed saying he was sorry. Eunha still looked at Yeonjun with puzzled eyes. Should he let his guard down at the attitude of regretting what he’d done wrong? Should he highly evaluate the point that he didn’t shift responsibility even though he could have said why didn’t you speak up earlier? Or.
Or… why was he acting like someone learning this for the first time? That even so, the fact that he was promiscuous wouldn’t be hidden… Should he criticize and mock the man as he had done until now?
Some hypothesis seemed to flicker on the underside of consciousness, almost taking shape. Eunha deliberately emptied his mind. While thinking it couldn’t be, he blocked the information that was trying to become clear on its own. He wanted to believe it was groundless worry. He wanted to believe it was a useless hypothesis.
“Then… does it hurt really badly somewhere?”
“It’s not that one place specifically hurts.”
“Ah. That’s still a relief…”
“My whole body probably hurts.”
At the simple correction, the two eyes meeting his quickly clouded over. Yeonjun, who had focused all his nerves here, rapidly blinked his eyelids before muttering in difficulty. What should I do…
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t know.”
“…Enough. How many times are you going to apologize.”
“Still. I, it’s my first time doing this…”
It seems like I only did what I wanted. Exactly where does it hurt. The posture of asking while drooping his eyes was even pitiful. Eunha just stared at the man who carefully grasped one of his limp arms and asked if it hurt a lot.
He just stared for a long time. Quietly and quietly again.
It wasn’t because of something else. Just, at some point his train of thought had snapped.
“…What did you just say?”
“Huh?”
“Just now, what did you…”
At the fading, faint tone, Yeonjun silently tilted his head. As if looking back on what he had said.
“That I did what I wanted?”
“No. No… before that.”
“…”
“First time?”
Was that an appropriate expression to come from a man’s mouth?
His brow slowly furrowed. Eunha tried hard to properly understand what he had heard. But no matter how he interpreted it, it was difficult to understand, so he wondered if he had misheard, and after concluding that wasn’t it, he wondered if Yeonjun had misspoken.
However, it wasn’t really the kind of content that could be misspoken. How many different meanings could be contained in the explanation of “first time”?
“…What are you talking about?”
“…It’s exactly what it sounds like?”
It was a puzzled retort. As if saying, what more could he explain when it’s exactly as stated?
Eunha froze for a moment, then belatedly pulled up the corners of his mouth while fumbling. It was a smile not at all like a smile.
“…Don’t joke around.”
The choked voice was closer to a wish hoping it was a joke.
And Yeonjun immediately showed an ambiguous look. He stretched his lips subtly and quietly looked at Eunha. A question was transmitted from those eyes.
They were similarly failing to understand each other.
“Why would you think that?”
“That’s because—”
Eunha, who had opened his mouth rashly to say it was obvious, suddenly let out a long sigh first at the disturbance that surged to the tip of his throat. Because he didn’t know what this was all about.
He was dizzy. Eunha, who had been wandering somewhere in his hazy consciousness, straightened his scattered focus for a moment as if pulling himself together. Next, he lifted his body up with difficulty. The fact that he had to receive Yeonjun’s support in the process was truly an utterly unsightly point.
He sat down unsteadily without energy. After organizing his thoughts for a moment in silence, he was able to open his mouth. First of all…
“…Didn’t we sleep together that night?”
