‘Thank goodness.’
It was just an awkward moment, and the call came at the perfect time. The person who called was also a very welcome person.
“Hello?”
[Hello. Jerim-ah.]
Yoon hyung called me in a voice full of worry. Normally he would have called me Hohyeon, but he seemed to have called me Jerim in case there were people who might be next to me.
The moment I heard his voice, it seemed like my solar plexus that had been blocked tight from tension until now was slowly getting better.
[I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to contact you, but I was too worried—]
“Hyung.”
[Are you okay? Your voice doesn’t sound good.]
When I laughed at hyung’s sharpness in noticing my state just from my voice, hyung told me not to laugh and asked if I was in a situation to answer the phone right now. I looked at the door for a moment, checked if it was properly locked, and moved far away from the door, speaking quietly in case my voice could be heard outside.
“Hyung. In this house, I… No. I don’t think Ka Jerim exists.”
I slowly scanned Ka Jerim’s room again. In Ka Jerim’s room, there were only Ka Jerim’s numerous certificates and one childhood photo. Among the books, there was nothing except study books. Not even a single common comic book, not a single novel, no notebook or diary about himself was stuck in there.
“I clearly came to Ka Jerim’s house. But I have no idea what Jerim did.”
[What do you mean by that?]
In this neat room, there was nothing except the laptop and external hard drive.
Since I had already entered the room, I rummaged through the drawers again while on the phone and opened the closet, but I let out an empty laugh because there was frustratingly nothing.
“Except for this one room, there are no traces of Jerim in this house. It’s like he’s been erased from the house… Even in the family photo, only Ka Jerim was missing.”
Yoon hyung was quiet as if at a loss for words after hearing my story.
“It must be because he moved out and lives elsewhere, right?”
[…]
“Jerim must have been loved a lot. He has so many certificates like this, and Mother called him directly. He should have lived being loved a lot…”
[Are you alone?]
“…Yes.”
Ka Jerim had to be that way. He should have grown up receiving a lot of love and acting spoiled, just like kids his age. But if that wasn’t the case, I felt like I would be too upset. Because I knew well from experience how hard it is when you lose your place to belong.
[Hohyeon-ah.]
When I heard Yoon hyung’s voice, I choked up and conveyed what I felt today as it was.
“Mother only takes care of Ka Jerim hyung, and acts like it’s a big problem if Ka Jerim does better than hyung. It’s strange enough to wonder why she even called Ka Jerim. Did Jerim really grow up being loved?”
[…]
“I don’t think so. I really don’t know. Why did she tell me to come today? Even though she didn’t seem to want to see me at all, why did she insist I come and make even me, a third party, feel this.”
I am not Ka Jerim.
“Only wretchedness? If it’s going to be like this, I really don’t know why she called me.”
However, when I looked at the two ways Mother treated Ka Junjae and me side by side, even though Ka Junjae and Mother were clearly together, it didn’t feel like we were together. Yoon hyung, who had been silent for a moment, said carefully.
[Then maybe, she called you because she wants something.]
“…That could be it.”
[Haah…]
I didn’t want to think that far.
Hyung also seemed to be the same, and after letting out a frustrated sigh, he was silent for a while. After a moment, he slowly started talking to me.
[Listen carefully to what I say. Just in case that family wants something from you. I hope it won’t happen, but if it does… But you’re too kind— No, why are you so kind? This is why I can’t let you go anywhere.]
“Hyung.”
And then Yoon hyung’s advice began. Hyung told me not to reject outright, but to reject in a roundabout way.
Honestly, he wanted to tell me to reject firmly, but since Ka Jerim was still a minor and there could be situations where he’d be entangled with his parents, there might be repercussions.
Knock knock.
[Jerim-ah, when are you coming out?]
Around the time Yoon hyung’s words were almost ending, Mother knocked on my door. She knocked on the door and asked when I was coming out. Yoon hyung must have heard that sound too because he hurriedly wrapped up the conversation.
[You understand, right? Make sure to do that. If anything happens, tell me right away. Oh, and text me the house address.]
“Yes.”
[Do well and come back. It’ll be okay.]
What would have happened if Yoon hyung hadn’t discovered that I was Cha Hohyeon? It became dizzying.
Obviously, I would have forcibly bent my waist and twisted my body endlessly to fit into Ka Jerim’s family framework that didn’t even fit properly.
“Thank you.”
[Fighting.]
Click.
Looking at the disconnected call, I took a deep breath alone. It won’t be. I resolved not to have unnecessary thoughts, gripped the doorknob tightly once, took a big breath out, and immediately opened it.
The situation after leaving the room was obvious.
All of Mother’s attention was focused on Ka Junjae, only talking about how Ka Junjae had been doing, what schedules Ka Junjae handled, and what celebrities he met.
“Ah, he said he knew me! That person is totally A-grade, no, S-grade, and he talked to me first saying he knew me. Isn’t that amazing?”
“Of course. How amazing is our son?”
Ka Junjae expressed the stars he met as if they were his accessories.
Ka Junjae didn’t talk about the personalities of the celebrities he met or the conversations he had with them, but unconditionally talked about their grades first. I quietly looked at him chattering excitedly. There were no people like that around me when I was Cha Hohyeon. No, they disappeared.
“Then maybe, Junjae-ya, do you know the singer Lee Ina?”
“That person is a has-been now. I wouldn’t even give her B-grade?”
“Oh my. Mom liked a singer who’s close with Lee Ina.”
“Who? That person must have dropped a lot in grade too. Mom, originally celebrities hang out with others of the same grade.”
I didn’t like acquaintances who evaluated people by their own standards and divided them by grades. It was obvious that through their mouths that loved dividing grades, my worth would be determined not by my personality or actions, but solely divided and judged by grade.
“Ka Jerim. What?”
Also, anyway, those kinds of people’s endings weren’t good. Because they thought they were infinitely high-grade, they often treated others carelessly.
While thinking such thoughts and staring at him intently, he chuckled and spoke as if asking if I was envious.
“Kid, are you envious of hyung? Just say the word. Hyung can introduce you to everyone.”
“I’m fine.”
I simply declined and laughed it off. He who had asked why I spoke formally to him at first eventually got used to the formal speech and didn’t say anything more.
“By the way, do you have time next week?”
“I’m sorry, but next week I don’t think I can because of my schedule.”
Next week would be when I’d be in full swing with song production. So I rejected right away, but before he could say anything, the words came from Mother who was sitting across from us.
“Jerim-ah, you said you were free earlier. And hyung barely made time. Hyung asked you first to make some time for him, so you can’t even spare that? Where is there anything more precious than family?”
“…”
“Huh? Hyung thinks of you so much that he said he wouldn’t even come home if you didn’t come, but Jerim doesn’t feel that way, so Mom is so disappointed…”
It was too absurd, and I was flustered. What is this situation exactly? I looked at her with a dazed face as she said she was disappointed.
Can’t Ka Jerim have work? It felt like saying I had something to do itself was a crime.
And above all, from the words “hyung said he won’t even come home if you don’t come,” I could roughly guess the reason Mother called Ka Jerim here.
‘Don’t tell me she didn’t call me.’
What if she didn’t call because she missed Ka Jerim, but called me as bait because she missed Ka Junjae? When I realized that Ka Junjae had made an issue out of me for some reason, and because of that, I might have come here, I couldn’t hide my hollow expression.
“No, no. Don’t mind it, it’s nothing.”
As if Ka Junjae had read the strange atmosphere, he hurriedly stepped in. Ka Jerim’s mother also seemed to not want to talk about that matter anymore and kept her mouth tightly shut.
“I need to use the bathroom.”
Then Ka Junjae got up from his seat. As he headed to the bathroom, I looked at the clock and got up from my seat.
“I’m sorry, but I think I need to go.”
“Why, is something wrong?”
“When I got that call earlier, they said something suddenly came up at the company.”
There was no such schedule. I just wanted to quickly escape this place and go to the dorm and sleep without thinking about anything.
Saying that, as I passed through the living room and picked up Eden hyung’s gift that was still neglected next to the entrance, she tilted her head and asked me,
“Isn’t that for Mom?”
“Ah, this isn’t something I bought, a member hyung asked me to run an errand to buy it.”
She had seen the gift but didn’t pick it up, didn’t unwrap it, and didn’t mention it.
Since it was left exactly as I had put it down, I thought she hadn’t even discovered it and tried to take it, but actually she knew about it and said nothing.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
I didn’t want to leave the gift here because Eden hyung’s face was vivid as he excitedly prepared this and that for me. If it was a gift that wasn’t welcomed, it was right for it to find its original owner.
“Then come again next time too. Jerim-ah, will you give Mom your phone number?”
“Ah. Yes.”
We exchanged phone numbers only when it was time to leave. In conclusion, today besides seeing Ka Jerim’s house, the hallucinations, and directly seeing Mother and hyung, there was really nothing.
I just felt uncomfortable.
But every time I tried to say goodbye and leave, she held me back.
“When will you come again next time?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You should at least say hello to hyung. Talk with hyung a bit more before you go—”
“…I really think I need to go. Please give my regards to hyung.”
“Hey, Jerim-ah! Still, with Junjae—”
“Goodbye.”
I hurriedly opened the door and came out. If I stayed longer, I felt like I’d have to talk more even though I didn’t want to talk with Ka Junjae, so I deliberately came out in a hurry, and seeing that the elevator was still on the first floor, I chose the stairs.
