It was impressive, but somehow just looking at it made me suffocate. I forced myself to turn my gaze that wouldn’t detach away and stared at the desk.
“That startled me.”
But before that, I saw Ka Jerim who had appeared at some point and was standing alone in the middle of the room again, and I patted my startled chest.
Now I didn’t call out to Ka Jerim. I knew it was a memory or hallucination of Ka Jerim in front of me.
Ka Jerim in his school uniform kept hesitating as if he would throw or wouldn’t throw what he was holding in his hand, but in the end, he didn’t throw it. No, to be precise, it seemed he couldn’t throw it.
‘…! …!’
As if frustrated with himself for not being able to throw it, Ka Jerim immediately collapsed and crouched down, muttering to himself words I couldn’t hear, then soon burst into pitiful tears.
Ka Jerim’s appearance of shedding tears drip by drip while clenching his fist looked so real even though it was sad just to watch, that even knowing it was a hallucination, I hastily tore tissue from the desk and held it out to him.
“Are you alri… Ah.”
But my tissue couldn’t reach him. No, it couldn’t reach him. The hand holding the tissue passed through Ka Jerim’s body in the air, and Ka Jerim’s crying didn’t stop.
I couldn’t do anything.
Even while Ka Jerim was crying, there was nothing I could do.
Ka Jerim, does what you’re showing me now have something to do with why you died?
‘My heart hurts.’
I was frustrated that I couldn’t do anything for Ka Jerim who was crying while rubbing his face.
Even though there was no sound, it seemed like I could hear the sound of him crying while suppressing it like an auditory hallucination. Just watching him cover his mouth and burst into tears as if worried his crying would leak outside the room made my chest ache.
While sitting dazedly next to Ka Jerim who was crying like that, he cried like that for a while then faded and disappeared.
“Just what happened in this house? I’ve never seen anything like this before…”
While living in Ka Jerim’s body for several months, I had never experienced anything like this. Why now of all times? I didn’t think the hallucinations I’d been seeing since earlier were meaningless. They seemed like important hints about Ka Jerim.
I slowly scanned the room and looked at the bookshelf. As if he was a child who studied really hard, there were only books related to studying.
“I’m really sorry. I’ll just take a quick look.”
Ka Jerim hadn’t left me anything. And even while passing through time until now, there were no hints, but only after coming to this house was something gradually being revealed.
After closing my eyes tightly and saying sorry to Ka Jerim who might be watching from somewhere, I hurriedly started rummaging through the drawers.
“Huh?”
How long had I been searching? In the drawer that kept only producing ordinary miscellaneous items, something that seemed like a hint was finally revealed. An old laptop, and lying next to it.
“Isn’t this that thing from earlier?”
It was an external hard drive.
Looking closely, it was what Ka Jerim’s hallucination had tried to throw earlier but ultimately couldn’t throw and was in agony over. I held the external hard drive in my hand and examined it closely. Seeing that it had many scratches, it seemed like a well-worn item.
“I’ll have to connect it to know what’s inside.”
Even though it was a very old-looking laptop, it seemed like it would turn on. I was reaching out my hand planning to connect it to the laptop when I heard the beeping sound of the door opening at the entrance.
Beep-beep-beep-beep-
Someone was coming in. Flustered, I hurriedly put the external hard drive in my pocket and quickly closed the drawer.
“What should I do?”
I wanted to look around more, but since someone had come, it would be strange to just stay in the room.
As soon as I opened the door and came out, the middle-aged woman who had just entered opened her eyes wide when she saw me, as if she didn’t know I would be here.
She was an ordinary person. A really common ajumma that you would pass by on the street.
“Oh my. Jerim-ah, long time no see. How did you lose so much weight? Can you wait a moment? Since you’re here, Mom bought groceries like this to make you lots of delicious food.”
She was really a common person, and she wasn’t particularly distinctive either, but strangely I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Because even though she was a person I didn’t know at all, I could find traces of Ka Jerim in her face.
She and Ka Jerim had quite a lot of similarities. The nose, the eyes, the pale skin.
Like that, even while she naturally approached me, I froze like a wife waiting for her husband’s return and couldn’t say anything. I just stood there awkwardly with a dazed face.
“Your phone broke so your phone number changed? But how could you not contact me even once?”
“…”
“Did you have to cut off contact with Mom because of that? Mom was so worried about you.”
“That’s…”
“Look at me. I need to prepare these quickly first.”
Only after she hurriedly disappeared into the kitchen could I finally breathe.
After catching my breath alone for a moment, I went closer and asked if there was anything I could help with, but Ka Jerim’s mother just smiled at my words and skillfully trimmed the vegetables while ordering me to sit down.
“Jerim-ah, if you do this, it’s more uncomfortable for Mom while preparing. Just sit at the dining table.”
“…Yes.”
As I sat there blankly in the awkward silence, she spoke to me in a reproachful voice.
“By the way, how could you not call Mom even once on the day you sent the contract?”
That was when Ka Jerim had disappeared and not long after I had entered Ka Jerim’s body. Because I didn’t know anything, I couldn’t do anything recklessly, but Ka Jerim’s mother wouldn’t even dream that another person had entered her son’s body, so it was natural that she felt hurt.
“I’m sorry.”
As a child, it was rude, so when I said I was sorry, Mother stopped cooking for a moment and said,
“That’s right. You should be sorry.”
I couldn’t shake off the somehow chilly feeling, but since it was natural to worry as a son when there was no contact, I had nothing more to say.
After that, she didn’t speak to me anymore and silently devoted herself to preparing the meal, and I who had been sitting awkwardly fidgeted with my fingertips then got up and headed to the living room.
‘I’m finally looking properly now.’
Earlier, I didn’t have time to look at the living room properly while chasing whether it was Ka Jerim’s memory or a phantom or its afterimage.
Is that why? Why didn’t I see the family photo hanging so prominently large like this earlier? I stopped in front of the family photo. Just from the photo, it really looked like a harmonious family.
Except for the fact that Ka Jerim wasn’t there.
If one didn’t know that Ka Jerim was a child of this house, from a third party’s perspective, it looked like a perfect family. The likeable father and mother, and between them a man smiling brightly. Ka Jerim wasn’t among the perfect family of three. Even though I wasn’t even Ka Jerim, I somehow felt bitter.
‘By the way, Ka Jerim’s younger brother? Or older brother? Who could it be.’
I didn’t know if it was an older brother or younger brother, but it seemed Ka Jerim had a sibling who didn’t resemble Ka Jerim at all. Because he looked somewhat familiar, I kept staring intently, but the more I looked, the more uncomfortable I felt since it was a family photo with only Ka Jerim missing, so I withdrew my gaze.
On one side of the living room was a large cabinet, and there were photos of someone who appeared to be Ka Jerim’s father. There were photos of the mother, and even photos of the man who appeared to be his sibling, but nowhere in the living room were there photos or traces of Ka Jerim.
‘Let’s not think bad thoughts.’
Maybe it’s because it’s been a long time since he moved out and lived elsewhere. Mother welcomed Ka Jerim like that and is trying to make him delicious food. As they say, you only see what you want to see, and because I grew up like that, I’m only seeing it that way, I forcibly suppressed my bad thoughts.
“Jerim-ah, it’s ready.”
“Yes.”
I hurriedly returned to the kitchen and sat at the dining table.
“It’s been a while since we ate together?”
“…Yes.”
I looked at Mother with a strange face for a moment. It really seemed like their relationship wasn’t bad on the surface, so why did Ka Jerim live far away as if he had a big fight with his family?
Questions poured out endlessly, but Ka Jerim who could solve this still wasn’t appearing.
“What are you doing? Not eating?”
“I’ll eat well.”
“By the way, what time is it now?”
As soon as she saw me pick up my spoon, she looked at the clock behind her, then glanced at the entrance once as if waiting for someone.
Is someone else coming? Father? When I also didn’t eat and looked at the places where her gaze went, she told me to hurry up and eat and asked,
“Jerim-ah, are you busy these days?”
“I don’t have a schedule but I think I’ll get busy…”
“Then that means you’re free.”
I smiled awkwardly and continued eating. Just because there’s no schedule doesn’t mean I’m free—I have to live in the practice room because I’m entering comeback preparations right away.
Of course I have to be busy, but Mother probably doesn’t know about this situation, so I seem free to her. I thought about explaining but closed my mouth because it seemed like the story would get long.
“Eat this too.”
I hadn’t planned to eat alone with Ka Jerim’s mother, and in fact, I didn’t know how to treat biological parents. If I had experienced it, could I have answered more plausibly and acted like a real son?
“Thank you.”
Ka Jerim, what kind of relationship did you have with your parents? Mother is affectionate to you. But you who hesitated for a long time to enter the house at the door, you who cried pitifully after coming home, the family photo with only you missing, won’t be erased from my head at all…
“Is it delicious?”
“It’s delicious.”
“Don’t just eat rice, eat some side dishes too.”
I couldn’t understand anything. Also, even though we clearly hadn’t met in a long time, this dining table where we exchanged conversation as if we saw each other yesterday was difficult.
Everything was too strange. I clearly thought Ka Jerim had fought with his parents and cut ties with them when he left, but seeing Mother’s attitude, it didn’t seem like that was the case.
