“There’s nothing much to talk about. We didn’t talk for that long. I just told you. I asked if we were friends, and that was all—an apology.”
“Okay. Fine. But what about after I arrived?”
“What?”
“You stopped me. You wouldn’t even let me open the door.”
“So should I have just left her? Gone inside between us?”
“There’s no reason not to.”
Kang Sehyun might not understand, but I didn’t think my actions were wrong. I didn’t think I had to be cold just because the other person was my lover’s ex-girlfriend, and especially since I was in a position where I couldn’t even confidently reveal that I was his lover now, it was even harder to do that.
Knowing that not everyone in this world can say whatever they want like him, I was annoyed that Kang Sehyun was blaming me now.
“It’s not like I told you to let her into the house like last time or walk her out.”
“That’s a given. If you had, I wouldn’t have stayed still.”
“Honestly, ignoring her is a bit too much. If we just went in like that, what does that make the person left behind?”
“Who told you to care about that?”
The other person fired back at everything I said without pause. The more he did, the more anger simmered up.
Normally, this would be something I’d laugh off, saying can’t you talk any other way? The tone was a bit crooked, but I knew the reason Kang Sehyun spoke that way was because he thought about me too much. I’d even expected this level of nagging. But even knowing all that, I was strangely angry.
“You—”
If you dislike me that much, you sure do a good job dating me. Very nasty words swirled in my mouth. The ugly nature I’d been hiding all this time tried to pop out without me knowing. But at that moment, a forgotten memory suddenly came to mind.
‘I hope the next person you meet is someone similar to you.’
I told you to meet someone like you, but if I act like this, it feels like even you become that kind of person.
So, fortunately, it only remained a thought.
“……”
“……”
“……Let’s stop. I should go today.”
I couldn’t make a rational judgment. It was surprising that I’d thought of such words momentarily, and if I continued the conversation like this, I felt like I’d pour out even worse things.
I absolutely didn’t want to fight over something like this.
I lifted my butt from the corner of the sofa I’d been perched on and stood up. In the meantime, the hot dog I’d placed on the table had cooled completely.
Thud.
“Where are you going?”
It was a considerably softened voice. But separately from that, the arm that was grabbed hurt so much my face automatically grimaced. When I stopped walking abruptly, he loosened the grip on my arm a little, but still didn’t seem to have any intention of letting go.
I let out a short sigh.
“……I’m going home.”
Is he going to ask why again? I was thinking that when Kang Sehyun, who had been watching me quietly, slowly opened his mouth again.
“Don’t go.”
Who are you trying to drive crazy?
The words murmured close by stuck clearly in my ears. Hearing those words made me laugh.
“Hey, Kang Sehyun.”
“……Yeah.”
“The person who came earlier, isn’t she your ex-girlfriend?”
Since I threw out a question we both already knew the answer to, a puzzled look latched on. Kang Sehyun frowned, unable to grasp the intent of the question.
“So why are you going crazy? The one who should go crazy is me.”
The one who should be anxious is me, and the one who should feel bad is me too.
I forcibly pulled my arm away and moved my steps. I left without lingering, thinking I shouldn’t look back.
The emotions that had been fine even when I got in the car and started the engine burst the moment I got on the congested highway. A surge of anger rose up.
It was disappointing that I’d ruined today over something like this, not for any other reason. Just because of something like this.
Even after coming out like that, I’m not quite sure what my intentions were. I was the one who stopped the conversation, the one who left the scene, yet I couldn’t understand myself—why I was angry.
I came out because I didn’t want to fight, but it ended up looking like I’d actually fought properly.
I turned on the radio belatedly. The tiresome music that had been playing for weeks already started flowing out. I remembered someone saying wouldn’t it be better not to have a DJ if they’re just going to play the same thing every day anyway. At that moment, I naturally thought, what is Kang Sehyun doing right now? I felt like I’d really become crazy.
Why am I thinking about him again?
I blamed the innocent radio, but even after turning it off I still thought of him, so in the end I resented myself from earlier.
Why did I do that when I’d miss him in less than 30 minutes?
I stopped at a cafe on the way. Mealtime had passed but I wasn’t hungry, and I wasn’t thirsty either, yet I kept feeling parched. I ordered and drank a cold beverage in the middle of winter. But the thirst wasn’t quenched. I thought maybe it was because of cigarettes and tried smoking, but that wasn’t it either.
Much later, I figured out the cause of the thirst.
It was Kang Sehyun.
I missed the familiar scent, the familiar touch, the familiar embrace. No, I needed them.
What I lacked was Kang Sehyun.
* * *
“Why are you so late?”
“……”
What is this?
I was holding half-finished coffee and climbing the stairs heading toward the end of the hallway. As soon as I turned the corner that bent in an L-shape, a large shadow was cast in front of the door.
I stopped walking and froze in place. I blinked several times and stared for a while, but the uninvited guest who’d appeared suddenly was still there.
Surprise came first, and then joy. But because of what happened just two hours ago, the thoughts running through my head were the complete opposite.
Why is today really like this?
It was a strange day where unexpected visitors showed up everywhere I went.
What’s with this? I was hesitating about what expression to make when, instead of me who was frozen, the other person approached me first.
“Why are you drinking this on such a cold day?”
The iced cup in my hand disappeared.
“What about your gloves?”
“……”
“Where did you throw away the ones I bought you?”
The coffee thief who appeared on his own wedged the cup between his arm and chest and covered my hands with both of his. We both weren’t wearing gloves, but the other person’s hands were warm.
As my frozen mind returned with the burning warmth, the body scent clinging to the other person came close with a whoosh. Without realizing it, I took a deep breath.
Wow. How can I have no learning ability like this?
At this level, I should probably get my IQ measured again. When he asked where I was going, I even told him I was going home, so why didn’t I expect this?
It’s obvious he’d follow right away if I ran. I’d forgotten such an obvious fact.
In short, all the gloomy thoughts I’d had until just now were just ridiculous. It was an embarrassingly pointless worry.
Kang Sehyun’s expression looking down at me was ominous. Like when he first hugged me before. I couldn’t know the meaning hidden beyond those vivid eyes.
“I,”
The low voice was calm.
“Imagined something here.”
What kind of words are these now? I looked at Kang Sehyun like someone looking for the answer to a problem.
“What if I ran into that bastard, your ex-lover, here?”
The question I first had about why he was standing here without going in was solved. At the same time, I was dumbfounded because Kang Sehyun called my nonexistent ex-lover “that bastard.”
“How was it?”
“……”
The guy who brought it up first didn’t answer right away to my question of how it was. Instead, from Kang Sehyun’s mouth—who never cursed no matter what—came the rough word, fuck.
“I felt like I’d go crazy.”
I didn’t know he’d take my last words—that the one who should go crazy is me—this seriously. I didn’t know he’d become serious enough to make such a rough face just from imagining a person who doesn’t even exist.
I’d been resentful because only Kang Sehyun had dating experience and I had none, but it was rather fortunate. Otherwise, I could have made some innocent person a criminal—I consoled myself with that thought.
“I was wrong.”
I don’t know what Kang Sehyun finds so regrettable that he keeps asking for forgiveness this easily. Somehow it felt like I’d become the bad person instead.
“Kang Sehyun.”
“Yeah?”
“What do you like so much about me?”
I didn’t really ask out of curiosity. It was just a roundabout way of saying what do you like so much about me that you go this far—if it were sincere, there couldn’t be a more childish question than this.
But the answer that came back was even more childish.
“Everything.”
I always obtained happiness and unhappiness at the same time. The very first start was when I got a stepfather. I got the father I’d wished for so much, but unfortunately, he hated me beyond dislike—he despised me. Strangely, happiness and unhappiness kept intersecting like that. Around the time the lonely study abroad life became adapted, I got the opportunity to continue studying but also got debt along with it, and when I tried to be happy thanks to a good friend named Sora and the attention of people around me, I was bullied by my stepbrother.
So when I started dating Kang Sehyun, I thought that way too. Though I started dating, since it wasn’t ordinary, there would be good memories but bad memories would also form. But if things continued like this, bad memories couldn’t form even if they tried to.
I was suddenly scared. Because right now I only had happiness.
If happiness kept piling up like this, I was afraid unhappiness might come all at once at some point.
“What should I do with you?”
And what should I do with me?
When I like you so much it drives me crazy.
* * *
I learned the very next day that my uneasy premonition wasn’t wrong. Through one phone call.
— ……Sungha.
The voice calling my name was trembling unlike usual.
