Today was a day when I’d go straight to work after class ended. Not only was my physical condition poor, but I’d deliberately told Kang Sehyun in advance not to come, worried I might pass on a cold to him. When I said I was a bit tired and wanted to rest, he replied without much fuss that he understood.
After the last lecture ended, as I was walking to the parking lot, a message arrived from Kang Sehyun.
Kang Sehyun: [You’re going this week, right?]
Kang Sehyun: [Junsung hyung said you and Gijae hyung are coming]
Just in case, I checked the group chat and found dozens of unread messages.
Seo Gihyun: [My babies I miss youuuu]
Park Junsung: [Stop talking bullshit]
Seo Gihyun: [Fuck you’re so cold]
Seo Gihyun: [My cold darling]
Park Junsung: [Fuck]
Park Junsung: [Is he really crazy?]
Jang Gijae: [lololol]
Seo Gihyun: [But Park Junsung you’re really not coming? This week]
Park Junsung: [Yeah instead of me Gijae and Sungha will be your darling]
Seo Gihyun: [Hey Jang Gijae has a girlfriend and Sungha has a wifey]
Park Junsung: [They broke up]
Seo Gihyun: [What]
Seo Gihyun: [Did Sehyun and Sungha get divorced]
Park Junsung: [No just Jang Gijae lol it was his girlfriend’s birthday but they broke up so he’s attending]
Park Junsung: [Sungha’s bringing his spouse]
Park Junsung: [lol]
Seo Gihyun: [Aw man I thought Kang Sehyun finally got dumped]
Seo Gihyun: [Sungha-ya Dad opposes this marriage till the end]
The cheerful conversation continued for quite a while, excluding only us, the parties involved. It was such childish conversation that I burst out laughing while reading it.
Me: [Yeah I have to go]
Only after sending it did I realize this would be the first time seeing everyone together since we started dating. Even when it was just the two of us, I sometimes had difficulty managing my expressions, so I worried I might not be able to laugh at moments when I should. But then again, just laughing off the jokes the hyungs casually made without a care seemed like it would make my conscience beat me up.
One mountain after another.
The phone I’d expected to ring right away was unusually quiet. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked a bit faster. The biting wind blowing across campus stung my skin. I could relate to what Gihyun hyung had said about his thirty-year-old cousin who still couldn’t get used to it. Chicago’s cold was still infuriatingly terrible.
Contact from Kang Sehyun came when I was at the crosswalk going through the central building to the parking lot.
“Yeah.”
– ……
I’d definitely answered without delay, but no sound came from the other end of the receiver. The screen still showed the call time counting.
“…Hello?”
– ……
Thinking the phone might have been pressed by accident, just as I was about to call out one more time and hang up, I heard the other person’s voice.
– Your voice sounds fine.
“…What, what does that mean?”
– You said you had a cold.
“Ah.”
Since I hadn’t said anything, the culprit was one of two: Gijae hyung or Junsung hyung. It seemed that topic had come up in the conversation I hadn’t read yet.
– I’d know if you told me. You just said you were tired.
“I am tired.”
– It’s not just tiredness. You left out the more important part. That you’re sick and not feeling well.
“…Anyway, don’t come.”
– I didn’t even say I was coming.
“I know even without you saying it, so don’t come.”
I anticipated the next words. Surely,
– I don’t want to.
There it is.
“I’m sick, so if someone comes I’ll be uncomfortable and won’t be able to rest.”
– That’s why I’ll just stop by briefly and leave. That works, right?
“No. That makes me feel uncomfortable.”
– Why. Because you feel like you’re indebted?
“Yeah.”
This wasn’t the first time I’d been sick. Since coming to Chicago, a total of six times, and of those, the five times excluding when Kang Sehyun was in Korea, he’d come every time carrying medicine or food. Not just simple cold medicine but vitamins and tea that was good for the body—he’d bring things like that and really just hand them over and leave.
It wasn’t even a short distance, so while I was happy he came, I felt sorry. Things like medicine I could easily buy at any pharmacy, but the fact that he deliberately did that for me was grateful yet burdensome.
– Even now that our relationship has changed?
“……”
I couldn’t answer no. I knew our relationship had changed from friends to lovers, but things that were burdensome when we were friends didn’t immediately become okay just because we became lovers. But I couldn’t answer yes either. Somehow, if I answered that way, it felt like I wouldn’t get a good response back.
– Then what can I do for you? If you think like that, I can’t do anything.
“You don’t have to do anything.”
– What if it’s something I want to do? I thought we were in a relationship where I could do at least that much.
I could sense displeasure in his voice. Various thoughts came to mind, but this wasn’t the time to be stubborn arguing about all this.
“Fine. If I’d known you’d take it this seriously, I wouldn’t have refused. I get it, so come.”
Even though I’d clearly given permission, I heard a short sigh through the receiver. Having only ever watched him sigh next to me, when I thought about being the subject of it, I didn’t feel good. But in the end, the one who made Kang Sehyun sigh like that was me. Should I have just said okay from the start? An awkward silence descended.
– Work?
“…I have to go.”
Another sigh. Thankfully, he was the one to speak first, but it didn’t last long. Thursday was a busy day, and besides, they were short-staffed so there was no one to substitute, and when I said that, a brief silence lingered again. When I added that if I could finish early I planned to finish early, only then did I hear a response.
– I’ll stop by briefly at night then.
After hanging up, I thought.
If it had been someone else, would I have asked them to come because I was sick?
I like Kang Sehyun. That’s a definite fact. But dating Kang Sehyun is difficult. Absurdly, I had more concerns about how to handle suddenly becoming lovers after being friends than about the fact that it was a relationship between men.
Dating—something I couldn’t study for or go somewhere to test out.
Would I be able to do well?
***
Long legs slowly rose from their seat.
Today too, Kang Sehyun was guarding the house in my place. However, today he wasn’t just a big, handsome dog. Big and handsome, but… he looked considerably displeased.
Kang Sehyun approached with an indifferent expression, glanced at my face once, and frowned. His already prickly face now turned fierce.
“What’s with your face?”
“You saw it yesterday too, what are you asking? This is how I normally look.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Right. But can we talk about this later? Let me wash up first.”
Somehow feeling like if I opened my mouth the conversation would get long, I quickly cut off my words. Fortunately, Kang Sehyun nodded without seeming offended.
“Take your time coming out.”
When I entered the bathroom, the bathtub was filled with water. Steam was rising from water that had been drawn not long ago. I’d thought I’d become quite accustomed to Kang Sehyun’s kindness, but honestly, this was an unexpected touching gesture.
So this is the difference between friends and lovers.
I realized there was a difference even in visible kindness.
After staying in the bathtub long enough for my face to turn red, I hurriedly finished showering at the sound of knocking and came out. On the living room table was a drink to quench my thirst. It was neither hot nor cold.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“Not really thinking about it.”
I sat blankly on the sofa and drank the tea. After soaking in hot water, the chill that had been bothering me disappeared and I felt much better. I was tired but sleep wouldn’t come.
“Go in and lie down. I turned on the electric mat so it’ll be warm.”
I wanted to say it was okay, but as soon as Kang Sehyun set down the cup, like someone who’d been waiting for just that moment, he immediately lifted me up, so I ended up going to the room. When I lay on the bed as told, the warm, soft bedding embraced my body. Even though I was sick, I felt newly happy.
If it was going to be like this, why did I tell him not to come?
A little later, Kang Sehyun appeared carrying a water glass and medicine packets. Besides the medicine bottles, I wondered what the small box in his hand was, and it turned out to be a portable pill case with medicine already divided into it. With his mouth firmly shut and a somewhat worried face, he was putting it into my bag.
How I’d envied the person Kang Sehyun treated this kindly. With that thought, worrying about whether I could do well all felt stupid.
“I shouldn’t get used to receiving things, but at this rate I’ll really become spoiled.”
“I think it’s okay for you to be a bit spoiled.”
Somehow it felt like he was talking about today’s events, which made me flinch.
“You don’t need anything else, right?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll go, so rest now.”
Already? I almost asked. Even though I was the one who said it would be uncomfortable if he stayed.
“You had something to say to me earlier. Say it now.”
I caught Kang Sehyun who was trying to leave with other words.
“You’re sick, so later.”
“Because I’m sick, now. If you say it now, I feel like I can listen to anything.”
It wasn’t a joke but sincere. Right now, I felt like I could do anything Kang Sehyun wanted. But Kang Sehyun burst out laughing.
“I won’t decline then.”
“Yeah. You don’t have to. So tell me. You have complaints about me.”
“I did but they’re gone.”
“How can they suddenly disappear?”
Kang Sehyun looked displeased until just a moment ago, but now he seemed fine again. No, rather, he looked good. Because his eyes looking at me were so tender.
With such eyes looking down at me, he said.
“Seeing your face made it that way.”
At this level, Kang Sehyun’s honesty is frightening.
