As expected, it’s spacious.
When I opened the firmly closed door and entered, the bedroom interior was even neater than I thought. One clock hung on the wall, two picture frames, and a bed in the center. Perhaps because there was a separate dressing room inside, the only storage space was a single nightstand beside the bed.
Most of the items were only in dark tones, and only the bedding was white. The atmosphere the space gave off didn’t look warm, but it was attractive. It was so perfectly Kang Sehyun.
“What are you doing?”
Overwhelmed by Kang Sehyun’s momentum as he told me to come in so nonchalantly, I forced myself to take a step. But I hesitated again in front of the bed that was as large as two queen-size beds pushed together.
It’s really big. Like an idiot, I looked at it and thought that since it’s spacious, it would be okay for two people to sleep.
“Don’t just stand there, hurry and lie down.”
“Uh… Okay.”
At Sehyun’s urging, I slowly climbed onto the bed. Not knowing which side to lie on, I just climbed up wherever my feet took me and hurriedly pulled the covers over myself. It felt like only I was nervous for no reason.
“Sleep first.”
After saying that, Sehyun turned off all the lights except for the indirect lighting under the bed. Then he came to me lying down, ran his hand through my hair a couple of times, and disappeared.
I closed my eyes. But I soon opened them again. Watching Sehyun’s back as he left, I shouted inside without realizing it.
Really… what a relief.
He told me to sleep first, so it should be okay to fall asleep first, right?
At this moment, I desperately wanted to be alone. I felt relieved because it seemed like he was saying he wouldn’t come back before I fell asleep.
The room where Sehyun sleeps every day. And the bed where he falls asleep.
I’d been here dozens of times, but it was a room I’d only seen from outside. I’d sneaked a peek inside, but since there was no reason to enter, I hadn’t looked closely. Being lying here was indescribably awkward.
It wasn’t that I expected him to do anything in particular, but since I’d never properly dated, I’d never fallen asleep with someone like this and had never even thought about it. Especially since I never knew the other person would be Kang Sehyun, it was too much to adapt right away in one day. Therefore, I couldn’t be happier about him telling me to sleep first.
Should I have been disappointed under normal circumstances?
But when even patting his back or stroking his hair was awkward enough to kill me, I absolutely couldn’t imagine Sehyun and me lying side by side in one bed. This relationship was more difficult than I thought.
My head was noisy with various thoughts. But that was only for a moment—the soft bedding easily brought on drowsiness. Although it was an unfamiliar sleeping place, perhaps because my physical condition wasn’t good, falling asleep was instantaneous. Leaving behind worries about things that hadn’t happened, I dozed off before I knew it.
***
My eyes opened briefly.
And I can’t fall back asleep.
Thump. Thump. Because the sound of my heart is loud.
Even breaths touched the nape of my neck. The firm palm embracing my waist was burning hot. Because of the warmth enveloping my entire body, all my nerves were focused on my back.
The pitch-black night had become a hazy dawn before I knew it. My mind, which had been half-asleep just moments ago, was clearer than ever. At this rate, I felt like I’d really end up watching morning arrive in this state.
This is driving me crazy.
Since when has it been like this?
I was alone until I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes, there were two of us. Since it’s Sehyun’s bed, it was natural for the bed’s owner to be in it too. However, I didn’t expect we’d be sleeping in this position. Stuck together like this.
Once I became conscious of it, the sleep I had also fled. From then until now, maybe about 30 minutes have passed—my mind is still excessively clear.
The bed is spacious too, so do we really have to sleep exactly like this?
The fortunate thing was that I couldn’t see Sehyun’s face in this position. If that face were right in front of me, I felt like I absolutely wouldn’t be able to manage my expression.
I was worrying about whether my heartbeat could be heard outside when—
“Why, can’t sleep?”
At the sudden voice, thump. I thought my heart had dropped.
They say when a person is too surprised, no words come out. Not just words—my breath stopped for a moment too. The tone carelessly uttered in his sleep and the particularly low-pitched voice were enough to cause that.
While I hesitated, the sleep-drunk voice came once more.
“Still, sleep more.”
After saying that, Sehyun rubbed his cheek all over the nape of my neck and fell back asleep. A few seconds later, I heard even breathing again.
…Why. How are you okay with this?
I wanted to confront him right away. Even if he was half-asleep, Sehyun’s behavior was too natural, and unlike me, he fell back asleep far too easily.
In the end, I was the only one who greeted morning with my eyes wide open the whole time.
As expected, my condition was the worst.
It had been getting gradually worse since Monday, and after drinking yesterday, I knew roughly. That it wasn’t just light fatigue. On top of that, I didn’t sleep properly, so in the end, it got even worse.
Sehyun: [When did you leave?]
Me: [7:30]
Sehyun: [Wasn’t your first class at 9 today?]
Me: [My eyes opened early so I just came]
Sehyun: [Then you should have woken me]
Me: [You were sleeping so soundly]
7:30 was a lie. Before the alarm I’d been waiting for even rang, I left Sehyun’s place almost as if fleeing. It was just past 7 o’clock. And Sehyun, who fell asleep later than me, hadn’t woken up by then.
Sehyun: [So where are you now?]
Me: [Library]
Me: [I have things to research in advance]
This was also a lie. Research, what research. For an hour now, I’d been sitting in the innermost seat on the empty second floor of the library, dozing off.
Sehyun: [Then I won’t disturb you]
Sehyun: [Contact me when you go to class]
My conscience pricked at the affectionate messages.
It wasn’t like he’d done anything that impressive. He’d just held me while sleeping. We’d hugged before, and being so flustered over just that much—no matter how I thought about it, I was the abnormal one. But this morning, I absolutely didn’t have the confidence to look at Sehyun like nothing happened. It was somehow awkward and embarrassing.
This isn’t like I’m a kid or anything.
I know I can’t keep running away like this every time.
I’d forgotten that becoming lovers with someone I’d only been friends with meant having to go through all those processes of normal people’s dating. Among them, I’d completely overlooked anything related to physical contact.
Others would think I’m making a fuss.
Even I think I’m being excessively ahead of myself right now.
***
“Sungha.”
“Ah, hyung.”
“Why are you in that state? Tired?”
Gijae hyung, whom I met at lunchtime, was wrapped in a thick scarf. Junsung hyung, who sat down after him, was also wearing a fat padding that made his body look twice as big. Today too, Chicago’s cold was unavoidable.
“I didn’t sleep well.”
“You look a bit too bad for just that… Isn’t it a cold?”
“I think so. I feel kind of dazed.”
“Right. Your voice will be gone soon too. Do you have a fever?”
“I don’t usually get fevers even when I’m sick.”
“That must be frustrating.”
The skin touching my clothes hurt for no reason. It had been showing signs for a few days, and sure enough, I was right before getting body aches. Judging by the chill penetrating to my bones, it was definitely a cold.
“Dress more warmly. Why are you going around with your neck exposed?”
I hated looking bulky, so I’d avoided wearing excessively thick clothes or scarves. As much as possible, I wore multiple thin layers, or to avoid exposing my neck, I’d rather wear turtleneck knits.
Actually, dressing like this would be warmer, but it didn’t seem that way to others, and I got scolded by the hyungs, saying it was no wonder I caught a cold. Even though I said I was fine, Gijae hyung deliberately took off the scarf he was wearing and forced it on me.
“After you finish eating, make sure to wear it when you leave.”
I couldn’t ignore his kindness that was like a semi-threat, so I nodded.
“Gijae, what are you going to do this week? That bastard Kihyun got so sulky because he can’t go this week.”
“He’s never been like that other times, why is he suddenly like that?”
“He says it feels like we’re not hanging out with him right after he graduates. He’s asking if we’re ostracizing him as soon as the semester starts.”
“Funny guy. Anyway, my plans fell through, so I have to go. You go to your appointment. How hard is it to set up, if you cancel, you’ll die at my hands.”
Gijae hyung emphasized Junsung hyung’s blind date this Saturday several times.
“Wow. It’s been so long since I’ve done something like this, I don’t know what to do. What should I talk about when we meet?”
“You just ask this and that, answer and stuff, what else.”
“I think I’ll mess up managing my expression. I’m worried I’ll grin like an idiot if I like her too much.”
“Mm… Not everyone who grins looks like an idiot, but you might.”
“Why is everything you say so annoying? It’s fucking amazing.”
“You’re more amazing.”
They’re both amazing though.
Even among the many people we hung out with, Gijae hyung and Junsung hyung, who had the same major, spent especially more time together. It was amazing that their conversation never stopped like this while sticking together both at school and outside.
“But I really haven’t dated in so long that I forgot everything. What if my heart explodes from excitement? It was like that when I first dated.”
Is everyone like me when they first date… Even so, this suddenly? I almost questioned what Junsung hyung was saying without realizing it.
“I’m still like that.”
“Don’t bullshit, you bad bastard.”
“It’s true though? Just seeing her face makes my heart flutter, still.”
“If you’re like that, how can you break up overnight and act like strangers?”
“That’s separate. It’s because she’s my girlfriend that I flutter.”
“How is that separate?”
“Listen carefully. I flutter more after we start dating than when we’re just in that ambiguous stage, you know why? After dating, she becomes ‘my’ girlfriend, not just someone else, right? And I become her boyfriend. There’s a fluttering feeling that comes from that sense of belonging. But after breaking up, I can’t feel that sense of belonging anymore, so it becomes separate.”
“Wow. That’s bullshit logic but I’m strangely convinced. I really despise myself.”
It was getting to the point where I felt bad that the conversation topic kept matching up with my current situation bit by bit. It was absurd to even insert Sehyun and me into the useless conversation the hyungs were having.
Having no appetite, I put down the sandwich I’d been eating early. The cafeteria seemed colder than usual today too.
I missed the warm skin that had been touching me this dawn. After running away in fear of the unfamiliar touch, now of all times.
No matter how I think about it, I don’t seem to have a talent for dating.
