“Really? Then make sure to ask when she has time. I’ll ask Dad to make a flower basket to match that time. Jae-a can be taken anytime so that’s fine.”
“Okay. I’ll ask.”
“I hope she has time soon. There’s more than one or two things I need to thank her for.”
I couldn’t convey the pure gratitude. Only after Deonggeori ate his fill did Kkotmoa start eating. It was consideration and concession that I’d never had because I didn’t have siblings. Even if I’d had a younger sibling, I probably couldn’t have taken care of them like Kkotmoa did. I felt both sorry and proud of Kkotmoa’s maturity in taking care of his younger brother first in every aspect. That warm heart was pretty.
After eating lunch and talking for a bit, I held Deonggeori while Kkotmoa washed the dishes. I wandered beside Kkotmoa with the kid in my arms in the narrow space that was embarrassing to call a kitchen. Before I knew it, Deonggeori, with his full stomach, fell asleep in my arms. Even though I didn’t know how to play with kids, I was proud that I’d taken good care of Deonggeori. In fact, I was proud even though it was because the five-year-old Deonggeori was quiet, well-behaved, and played well alone, unlike kids his age.
After laying down the sleeping kid, we studied English together. These days, Kkotmoa devoted most of the time when we were alone together to studying English. My hand had no time to be lonely. Even though Deonggeori was sleeping next to us, Kkotmoa was still receiving the English god’s energy.
“Fond of, interested in, enthusiastic about, keen on. These four all have similar meanings so they’re interchangeable. Memorize these types first. They come out a lot in fill-in-the-blank problems or finding content with the same meaning.”
“Yeah, I was doing it alone and checked the ones I didn’t know. I was going to ask on Monday. Thanks for coming today.”
“……Not really.”
“You’re stoically saying ‘not really’ again. Anyway, you’re cute.”
So I’m telling you I’m not cute at all.
The cuter guy who called me cute giggled and immediately went into memorization. While holding my hand on the table, he concentrated on memorizing, moving his mouth and muttering several times. My gaze was fixed on his peach-colored lips creating English words.
“Did something good happen?”
Becoming aware of another person’s voice, I was summoned back to reality from spacing out and grinning stupidly. After Deonggeori woke up and around dinner time, I left Kkotmoa’s house and met Kang Junwoo, who had no sense of crisis as a senior. Every Saturday when we had nothing to do, we’d meet from daytime and hang out. Kang Junwoo narrowed his eyes and imitated a detective. That bastard who has no damn sense.
“You look really stupid right now, don’t you? What is it, did you get confessed to by a pretty kid who could rival an idol?”
It’s true that Kkotmoa is pretty enough to rival an idol, but.
“Well, it’s not a confession.”
He did say he rejected the confession he received though.
“What are you saying, crazy bastard? What good thing happened?”
“Something crazily good.”
Frankly speaking, it wasn’t even me who got confessed to, but just the fact that Kkotmoa rejected the confession from that Ha Yunjin or whatever kid made me feel really good. Besides that, I ate lunch with Kkotmoa, and he found our mom’s side dishes incredibly delicious. The guy who usually only eats two bowls of rice ate three bowls today. It was ticklishly cute how he stuffed food into his mouth until both cheeks were about to burst. It was cuter than the five-year-old Deonggeori eating and chewing. Seeing him eat so deliciously, I couldn’t help but feel so good. I wanted to give myself an award for being so admirable for bringing side dishes.
“Crazy bastard, so what’s that crazily good thing?”
“You don’t need to know. What would kids know?”
“What’s he saying, virgin bastard. I’m not curious, not curious at all, fuck.”
Even though bragging about losing it as a minor wasn’t something to be proud of, teenagers who liked to show off and were full of vanity wanted to prove and believe that they’d become men through sex. It wasn’t just Kang Junwoo. Kkotmoa and I just didn’t have conversations on this topic, but it was content you could hear quite often in the classroom. However, I had no inferiority complex or embarrassment about not having experience yet. Rather, I felt pity for guys who ignorantly lost their virginity to women they just passed by.
But does Kkotmoa have experience…….
I laughed at myself for even thinking that because it was ridiculous. That pure and clean kid and anything sexual didn’t match to the point where I couldn’t connect them. When he ate kkakdugi, I briefly had improper thoughts alone, but that was because I was crazy, and looking at Kkotmoa himself, he was too innocent and clear to imagine in that direction at all. But Kkotmoa was also a vigorous nineteen-year-old, so when he’s alone, does he watch videos and masturb…….
“What are you thinking about that your face is turning bright red all by itself?”
“……Huh?”
I snapped out of my delusion, flustered as if my mind had been caught. Kang Junwoo was watching me with an expression like he’d seen something he shouldn’t have. I had to be desperate to somehow chase away the obscene demon that had settled in my head.
“Ah really, what’s wrong with you today? Did you finally go crazy because your head is too smart? Or did you already get heatstroke? You were smiling so wide your mouth was about to tear, then your face turned bright red by itself, and now what’s that flustered expression?”
“Ah……”
“Whoa……. What’s wrong with him? Hey hey, just curse at me instead! Don’t make that stupid expression when it doesn’t even suit you! When you act like you have a screw loose, it’s scary, fuck.”
Looking at Kang Junwoo’s crumpled face, I wished he would at least curse at me. I felt like I could come to my senses if I heard all sorts of bastards and sons of bitches. It was true that I liked Kkotmoa, but I definitely didn’t like him to have these kinds of delusions. No matter how much I was a vigorous nineteen-year-old boy, I could really bet my life on it—Kkotmoa was my purity and my innocent feelings.
“Hey, curse at me.”
“What’s he saying, this crazy bastard really. Did you get shot in the head?”
“Do it more.”
Kang Junwoo just looked at me with a creeped-out face and didn’t open his mouth anymore. I had to somehow get cursed at and come to my senses. Otherwise, the video playing arbitrarily in my head wouldn’t seem to stop. They say even dog shit is hard to find when you need it for medicine—the son of a bitch who usually barks well shut his mouth tight right when he was needed.
‘Whenever I praise you, you always make that stoic face and say “not really.” Cutely.’
‘You’re stoically saying “not really” again. Anyway, you’re cute.’
However, I found a way to make the dog bark without difficulty. Kang Junwoo was still looking at me with an absurd and ridiculous expression at my words to curse more. I’m a curse recipient right now. A curse recipient who can only come to his senses by getting cursed at. I’m a curse recipient who deserves to be cursed for trying to imagine that kind of thing about a pure and clear kid.
“Kang Junwoo.”
“……What, why? What. What are you trying to say now?”
“Am I cute?”
Absurdity was added to his ridiculous face and his mouth dropped open. We just looked at each other wordlessly and blinked. I was waiting for the son of a bitch to bark while spewing curses. However…….
“……Who are you? Get lost right now before I kill you and bring Hyeondo back, fuck.”
The son of a bitch who seemed like he’d bark and curse and lunge at me was really gripping a fork and knife tightly in each front paw as if truly afraid. Looking at his fierce eyes, if I said one more word, he really seemed ready to stab. In the end, I couldn’t even get cursed at. The image of Kkotmoa doing something kept replaying in my head.
After acknowledging my feelings, Kkotmoa started to look different. No, to be precise, after thinking things like whether Kkotmoa also watched those kinds of videos, whether he also relieved his sexual desire alone, I was excessively conscious of him. Even the hand we held when studying English or math felt different from before, which was agonizing. Being with Kkotmoa made me happy and joyful while simultaneously agonizing and painful.
* * *
It was already July, and before we knew it, we were wearing summer uniforms. In the classroom full of the musty smell of male bastards, there were only four fans in total rattling and spinning on both walls. There was air conditioning, but even though it was the senior class, the school hadn’t yet announced that we could turn it on. What kind of school development are they trying to achieve by saving a bit of electricity costs?
However, unlike the musty smell of the classroom, a flower scent always spread from the seat next to me. Kkotmoa’s white and slender arms revealed under the summer uniform were quite different from my firm arms built with exercise muscles. They looked so soft that they’d sink in deeply if I poked them with my finger. There were a few more guys in our class with thin and delicate arms like Kkotmoa. There were also guys with similar physical conditions. Even though they were similar, I didn’t feel any impression from them. Just thoughts like, that guy’s skinny, that guy’s small-framed, that guy has thin bones, that sort of thing. But Kkotmoa looked fluffily different.
“Fuck, it’s so damn hot. When the hell are they going to turn on the air conditioning?”
Kang Junwoo approached while greedily chewing an ice cream bar. This summer was particularly hot. Even though it was only July, it reminded me of August’s sweltering heat. Perhaps it felt even hotter because it was mixed with the lament of being trapped in a stuffy classroom studying.
“Hey hey, the math god is great and all, but aren’t you hot?”
Kang Junwoo looked at the desk with a fed-up expression. Kkotmoa’s left hand was covering the back of my right hand. Until a few days ago, Kkotmoa only did English and math at home, but these days he occasionally studied math at school too.
“Yeah. I don’t feel heat much. Are you hot, Hyeondo-ya?”
“……Not really.”
Actually, it was hot, but I gave an unclear answer because I felt like the softness covering the back of my hand would disappear if I said it was hot. If I’d said it wasn’t hot, I was a bit afraid that the heatstroke bastard would expose the truth, asking “who was the bastard who said he was dying from the heat last summer and didn’t take a single step from the corner of the house with the air conditioning blasting?”
“Disgusting bastards. Eat this and separate. What are you, cockroaches or something? Anyway, the CSAT is turning all the kids into mental patients.”
Two ice cream bars, the same as the one Kang Junwoo was eating, were tossed onto the desk. They had the logo of Kangsan Foods, Kang Junwoo’s family company, stamped on them. As soon as he saw the ice cream, Kkotmoa’s eyes sparkled and he immediately withdrew his hand and snatched the ice cream. My right hand felt empty.
