“I guess I was nervous thinking about whether you were the one who did that. I suddenly feel so sleepy. I think my blood sugar dropped too.”
“……”
“I’m not going to study today, I’m just going to sleep. I’m too tired. Really, no lie, I stayed up all night with my eyes open yesterday. In case it was you.”
“You should have at least called and asked.”
“……I was a bit scared. What if I called and you said you did it. But when I saw your face, I felt somehow relieved and like I could ask.”
Should I be deceiving Kkotmoa like this? If he knew that it was actually me, what kind of reaction would Kkotmoa show? No, I would cover up that matter as something I didn’t know until I died. I would never swing the blade of betrayal at Kkotmoa’s tender nature, who couldn’t sleep all night worrying about just that.
“So. Did he say he made the contract?”
“Dad seemed like he wanted to do it right away, but I asked him to wait just one day. I felt like I should check with you first.”
“What’s different? Either way, it’s making a contract with my father’s company.”
“It’s different. Our dad’s flowers are the best, but if you steal another flower shop’s regular customer because of me and bring them to our house, I won’t be happy at all. But if the adults decided it because our dad’s flowers are really pretty, then that’s the adults’ world so that can happen.”
Our world and the adults’ world were definitely different. Unlike us, whose relationships were marked by friendships and camaraderie, or interest and curiosity, adults were cold, rational, and moved only when the profit calculations worked out within their interests. There was a huge difference between our understanding relationships and the adults’ interested relationships. The meaning changed with just a difference of one connecting word. I didn’t like Kkotmoa going into that world. I just hoped he would continue to be an infinitely pure and harmless existence in our world together.
“I should contact Dad. I didn’t mention that your house was D Group in case it made you uncomfortable, but anyway, he’s probably waiting for my contact right now.”
Kkotmoa took out his phone and started writing a message. His neatly trimmed nails moved back and forth before my eyes. I remembered something I’d wanted to ask but couldn’t. I knew the timing had no context right now, but teenage conversations were originally strange even when they bounced around.
“Did you eat that chocolate cake back then?”
“Oh right. I should have thanked her for that when I went to pick up Jae-a. I was so out of it that I forgot.”
“……So did you eat it or not?”
“Yeah. I had one slice and it was really, really delicious.”
“You had one slice? Why? I think that was pretty big……”
“Me and Dad had one slice each, and we cut the rest into pieces small enough for Jae-a to eat at once, froze them in the freezer, and thawed them whenever he wanted to eat.”
I’m going crazy, really. I can’t even curse at this because he was taking care of a young kid.
I couldn’t even reveal my frustratingly burning insides and just groaned inwardly. I thought I should probably buy two boxes of cake when I went home today. Since you also came to my house with a box of drinks yesterday, if I said I was buying cake because it was my first visit, the excuse would roughly match up.
“What kind of cake do you like?”
“Mm, well. I don’t really know because I don’t eat cake unless it’s my birthday. Our house always has either chocolate cake or fresh cream cake.”
“Why?”
“Because fresh cream cake is the most harmless? Jae-a likes chocolate cake.”
“What about cheesecake?”
“I’ve never had it.”
I thought I should buy one box of cheesecake and one box of chocolate cake. And I resolved that I’d definitely make him eat one slice at a time in front of me while studying. Otherwise, I felt like even those cakes would all end up in Deonggeori’s stomach.
I was frantic to feed my flower delicious things.
* * *
Kkotmoa’s house, which I was visiting for the first time, was shabby. When I saw the exterior of the old apartment, nothing came to mind besides the expressions “old” and “shabby.” The fact that people lived in a place that looked like it could collapse at any moment, something I’d only seen on TV, was fascinating in itself.
I sent Kkotmoa home first, then took a taxi to the dessert cafe I’d gone to with Kang Junwoo. In my hands were two boxes of cake. Wondering if I’d come to the wrong place—no matter how difficult their circumstances were, would they really live in such a dilapidated apartment—I checked the message Kkotmoa had sent, but I’d come to the right place. I’d put the address in the navigation and the taxi driver had dropped me off, so it couldn’t be wrong. I inadvertently worried whether it was okay for a young kid to live in a place like this.
Kkotmoa’s house was unit 101. Since it was 101, I naturally thought it would be the first floor, but it was a semi-basement. While going down the seven stairs, a musty smell stung my nose even though it was spring. Thinking that Kkotmoa went in and out of this place every day made me feel somehow bad. It was the same for the small bundle.
I pressed the doorbell but there was no sound. No matter how many times I pressed it, only the button pressed and no sound came from the doorbell. Just as I was thinking I should call, I knocked on the door with my hand a few times. I immediately heard Kkotmoa’s voice from inside and the door opened. Kkotmoa was wearing a white T-shirt with a stretched-out collar and black sweatpants with holes in the knees. It was strange how even his shabby appearance looked neat.
“Where did you go?”
“This. You also bought drinks yesterday, so don’t say anything.”
Whether because I’d driven the nail in beforehand, Kkotmoa, who received the cake boxes, just beamed and only said thank you.
Kkotmoa’s house was as small inside as the shabby exterior. Two small rooms and one bathroom. There was a hallway-like passage that was ambiguous to call a living room, and a kitchen was attached right next to the entrance. Even that was difficult to call a kitchen—it was in the form of a studio apartment like those on TV. A set of a gas range and sink was all.
“Let’s study in my room. It’s a room I share with Jae-a, so it’s a bit chaotic because of toys, but it’s a bit awkward to do it in Dad’s room.”
“Okay.”
Unlike the words that it was chaotic because of toys, the room was also like Kkotmoa. Although the size was only as big as my house’s bathroom, it was neatly and tidily organized. However, things that should be there, like a desk or bed, weren’t visible. On one side, a blanket was neatly folded, and a floor desk was folded up well and standing against the wall. Kkotmoa soon unfolded the table and sat down first.
“Sit down. Even if it’s small, we can study.”
“……Did someone say something?”
I sat down across from Kkotmoa and took off my bag. Setting aside everything else, I just liked that I was inside Kkotmoa’s space.
“Bring the cake.”
“Are you hungry?”
It’s because I want to feed you.
I saved words and just nodded. Kkotmoa, who had been opening his workbook, immediately got up. Just in case, I added.
“I don’t like eating alone.”
“Okay. Let’s eat together.”
After Kkotmoa left the room, I looked around the small room more leisurely. His school uniform that he’d taken off was neatly folded and placed in a corner. In a basket organized on one side, the small creature’s toys were stored. Deonggeori’s toys were just one small basket. There wasn’t even a single picture book, which were so common. I suddenly regretted not stopping Mom when she said she was going shopping with the kid. I thought I should soon buy a bunch of Deonggeori’s toys, saying Mom sent them.
“There’s no proper tea or drinks, is water okay?”
“Yeah.”
Kkotmoa came in carrying a tray with one somewhat large slice of cheesecake, two forks with worn-off patterns on the handles, and two cups of water. He must be planning to feed the chocolate cake to Deonggeori even if he died. I’d die from frustration. I wanted to argue, why don’t you know that I think of you as much as you think of Deonggeori?
“Let’s eat the cake first then do it.”
At my words, Kkotmoa nodded. Without even knowing what I was thinking when I said to eat first. If we tried to study and eat at the same time, it seemed like I’d have to use both hands, and then my hands would feel too empty and lonely.
“Wow. It’s delicious. It’s even better than chocolate cake.”
Kkotmoa, who ate the cheesecake first, showed a happy smile. Since he eats so well and likes it like this, I keep wanting to feed him things.
“You try it too. It’s really delicious.”
Ah…….
Whether he knew what he was doing, whether he was really doing this without any ulterior motive, how many more times he had to put me on a roller coaster to be satisfied—I couldn’t know anything. All I could see in my eyes was the cake on the fork thrust in front of my mouth. This fork was the one that had just been in Kkotmoa’s mouth as he ate the cake.
“Not eating? Wasn’t it because you wanted to eat that you told me to bring it?”
I felt somehow guilty at the question that only contained pure curiosity. But still, I hesitated. Whether it was okay to just accept and eat the fork that had been in Kkotmoa’s mouth, or whether I should hold my own fork and eat on my own. My heart was already putting that fork in my mouth, but I also felt like the atmosphere would become strange if I did that.
“When I do this for our Jae-a, he cutely opens his mouth like a baby bird and accepts it well.”
Who’s calling who a baby bird? You’re the one who opens your mouth cutely like a baby bird and accepts the snacks the kids give you at school.
Even before a surge of emotion could rise, an inexplicable sense of betrayal came first. So he really did it habitually, just like he does for Deonggeori, without any ulterior motive, while I was the only one conscious and worrying about it. Getting worked up, I immediately opened my mouth, ate the cake, and sucked the fork clean. The cheesecake you fed me was sweet enough to blow away all the surging emotions and betrayal.
“As expected, our Hyeondo is nineteen so he eats cleanly. Our Jae-a always makes a mess.”
Who are you comparing me to right now……!
My mouth, which was about to argue that I wasn’t the same as a little kid, closed tight. Kkotmoa was opening his workbook with the fork I’d deliberately sucked clean in his mouth. I didn’t know what on earth he was doing. He must be planning to dry up my blood and kill me. My chest felt stuffy. It must be stuffy because it was my first time being trapped in such a small room.
The guy who ate the cheesecake a few more times also occasionally fed me. I just sat still and enjoyed what Kkotmoa usually did for Deonggeori, only opening my mouth. Every time the cake entered my mouth, it was excessively sweet and my whole body tickled. It was a completely different taste from when I ate with Kang Junwoo. The cheesecake that had been cut large was quickly gone.
“Today we’re only doing English.”
I didn’t ask why. Because I also wanted that. I took out my workbook, placed it on the table, and quietly placed my hand on the table as well, with my right palm visible.
