“……Close the glass door, close the sliding door, then lower the shutter and lock it. There’s a spare key in the first drawer of the desk at the counter.”
“Got it. And Deonggeori, no, your younger brother might not follow me, so you explain. I’ll hand it over.”
-Yeah. Thanks so much, Hyeondo-ya.
I didn’t know what to say in response, so I just approached Deonggeori. The life form just kept staring at me with innocent eyes. After briefly wondering what to say, I just wordlessly held the phone up to Deonggeori’s ear. I didn’t have the talent to be gentle and affectionate like Kkotmoa, nor the talent to be brazenly friendly like Kang Junwoo.
“Hyung-ah?”
Deonggeori reacted immediately to whatever Kkotmoa said over the phone. Deonggeori, excessively handsome for a five-year-old, dropped the ribbon he’d been holding and grasped my hand that was holding the phone with both hands. He probably wanted to hold the phone to hear Kkotmoa’s voice better, but it was impossible because my hand was too big. The feeling of those tiny hands firmly gripping mine was strange. Deonggeori, who had been listening quietly, soon changed into an expression that looked like he was about to burst into tears, but as if holding back his crying, though his chest heaved, he miraculously didn’t cry until the call ended. He looked somehow forlorn and pitiful.
“Mmhm. *sniff*, Jae-a is okay. Here, hyung-ah.”
Deonggeori, who had held back his tears until the very end, let go of my hand and looked at me. It seemed the call had ended. Seeing Deonggeori looking like he was about to cry made me feel awkward. I didn’t have the talent to comfort children either. I’d never had occasion to face such a young kid in the first place.
“……”
“……”
“……If you’re going to cry, just cry.”
Deonggeori shook his head left and right with teary eyes that looked like they’d spill tears at the slightest touch. The small hands that had been firmly gripping mine were clenched into fists. His tightly pressed lips, clenched with effort, clearly showed he was holding back tears. Was it that even at five years old, he was a man? But it seemed like it wouldn’t be good for him to hold back when he wanted to cry at such a young age. Even though I didn’t know much about kids, I just had that feeling.
“I’ll keep it a secret from your hyung.”
His eyes immediately looked up as if asking if I was serious. As expected, kids need to cry as they grow up.
“Promise. I’ll keep the secret.”
I held out my pinky finger. A pinky finger that seemed less than half the size of mine hesitantly hooked onto my finger. With this, I now had a secret from Kkotmoa. Still, it was a promise between men, and since he was so admirable just for holding back his tears so Kkotmoa wouldn’t worry, I vowed to keep this promise even from the grave.
As if what he’d been holding back until now was impressive, Deonggeori burst into tears, shedding them profusely. Seeing him actually cry, I froze in panic, and Deonggeori came to me first and hugged me. I awkwardly embraced the very small, soft, and warm bundle.
Taking care of a five-year-old child was my mom’s job. It was only natural since no miracle occurred where I suddenly gained the ability to handle young children. Deonggeori cried for a long time in my awkward embrace. He cried so much I worried the kid might actually pass out. It made me wonder how he’d been holding back all that grief. Deonggeori fell asleep at the same time he calmed down. At first, I was so startled because I thought he’d fainted.
“I’m five yeahs old, Shin Jae-a.”
Deonggeori still greeted my mom with only four fingers extended. I watched with curious eyes as the fingers of this creature I’d only perceived as a single bundle spread out and extended. When I saw that cute little finger that had hooked onto my pinky earlier, an inexplicable ticklish feeling spread throughout my body.
My mom, who had been momentarily surprised at me coming home holding an unfamiliar bundle, couldn’t take her eyes off the child with an expression that said she’d die from how cute he was after I explained that something had come up at a friend’s house and I needed to watch him just for today.
I ate my meal staring at the opposite side of the table. I was witnessing firsthand how simple young children were. As if he’d never cried so miserably before, Deonggeori sat on my mom’s lap, opened those small, cute lips, and received what my mom gave him with a beaming smile. Our household auntie couldn’t help herself over how cute the child was, to the point she could mistake him for her own late-in-life son. The child’s simplicity and adaptability were surprising, but the side of my mom I was seeing for the first time was even more surprising.
“Mom, you’re going to make the kid explode.”
“Mom……?”
Whether he heard what I called her, Deonggeori mumbled with food right in front of his face that he was about to eat. It was an unfamiliar reaction, as if he was hearing the word “mom” for the first time. Mom said the kid seemed to miss his own mom, but I had to feel the shock of being hit in the head with a hammer. The fact that there was no mom and two dads meant that Kkotmoa also had never called anyone “mom.” The mom that everyone has, that existence that should have been there at least long ago even if not now, was something Kkotmoa and this young creature had never had. The back of my head felt cold and my chest ached.
“The kid sure isn’t shy around strangers.”
Mom didn’t let go of Deonggeori until he fell asleep, and Deonggeori didn’t try to leave Mom’s arms either. Looking at the sleeping angel’s face, Mom murmured contentedly. I quietly observed the fake mother and son who’d just met today. I could have just left him with Mom and gone up to my room, but strangely, until he fell asleep, I kept Deonggeori within my line of sight.
“What are Jae-a’s parents like?”
I was startled without realizing it at the unexpected question. I wasn’t dumb or stupid enough to tell Mom that Kkotmoa’s parents were actually gay. Mom had already banned me from all the privileges I could enjoy as a third-generation chaebol for reasons like developing bad habits and not being proper, and if I brought up something that was taboo in society, it seemed like she’d immediately throw that bundle out the front door.
“Why.”
“Even if it’s a friend’s younger brother, the fact that a kid follows strangers so well and nestles into strangers’ arms like this can only be interpreted in two ways.”
“Two ways?”
“Either he’s so loved at home and always being held that he takes it for granted when others do it too, or……”
“……What else.”
“Lack of affection.”
It felt like something inside my chest was shattering completely. Mom was talking about this small, young bundle, yet somehow I felt like I was hearing about Kkotmoa, though I didn’t know why. Kkotmoa, who was friendly and attached himself well to everyone, and the sleeping creature had too many similarities aside from their appearance.
“He’s still a child, so the desire to be loved is overflowing, but whether the parents are busy or whatever, it’s not being fulfilled, so he wants to receive it from others at least. That’s why he has no resistance even when someone else holds him.”
Kkotmoa truly cherishes, values, and loves this bundle. That wasn’t something fabricated. Even if he couldn’t hold him often because of studying and helping with the flower shop, it shouldn’t be a lack of affection. Wouldn’t it be too pitiful if this small, fragile creature had a lack of affection? Wouldn’t it be too sad if that gentle, innocently smiling nineteen-year-old minor had a lack of affection?
I went up to my room without giving any response to Mom’s words. Deonggeori would sleep warmly in Mom’s arms tonight. I didn’t know how he usually slept at home, but Kkotmoa probably held him warmly like our mom did.
I came back to my room and fidgeted with my phone. There were only a few useless messages from my tutor, the high society guys, and Kang Junwoo. There had been no contact from Kkotmoa since then. Wasn’t he even worried after leaving Deonggeori with me? Had something serious happened at the hospital? Or did he trust me enough not to need to check in? Whatever the case, I was waiting for Kkotmoa’s contact.
However, until midnight, I only held my phone in my hand without receiving any contact at all. I thought about calling, but I gave up because I felt like I’d only hear “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” Instead, I sent a message. Just in case he was curious but couldn’t contact me because it was late.
[Your younger brother is fine, so don’t worry. My mom fed him and is sleeping with him]
There was no reply even by the time morning came.
* * *
The next day, Kkotmoa was absent. Kang Junwoo asked me why Kkotmoa wasn’t coming, but I couldn’t give any answer. Whether he went so far as to ask the homeroom teacher, he casually tossed out, “They said Kkotmoa’s absent today because of family matters.”
The call from Kkotmoa came when I was leaving school. As I was exiting the school gate, I answered the incoming call urgently without realizing it.
“Hello? Are you okay?”
-Yeah, Hyeondo-ya. Did our Jae-a cause any trouble?
“Trouble, what. My mom thought she’d given birth to a late-in-life son. That was the first time I saw that auntie laugh that much.”
I could hear soft laughter from over the phone. Mixed in with that laughter was also a sigh of relief.
-I’m going to pick him up now, where’s your house?
Our house was in a residential complex where you had to walk 15 to 20 minutes even after getting off the bus or subway. It was called a residential complex, but in reality it was an ultra-luxury neighborhood where chaebols gathered to live. It was in a very inconvenient location to walk around without a car, but a place where privacy was thoroughly protected. I walked that area alone every time I left school, but in fact, I took a taxi almost every day with a card I’d secretly received from Dad, and I didn’t want to make Kkotmoa, who didn’t waste money carelessly, walk here alone. I, who had been about to take a taxi, changed my mind and stood at the bus stop. I decided to meet Kkotmoa at the stop near our house and walk together.
When I got off the bus, Kkotmoa had already arrived. Dressed in the same uniform as yesterday, he waved with a beaming smile. There was no trace of the deathly pale complexion from yesterday. He even seemed happy. His eyes were swollen and red, as if he’d cried a lot. Though I’d only not seen him for barely a day, and he looked like he’d cried all night, the moment I saw him, I suddenly felt like I could breathe freely. He was radiant, so radiant. Pretty, so pretty. It was my subjective impression that was absolutely not objective.
