“…The people who made you grow up like that must have been disgusting.”
“It’s not great. But rather than disgusting, I thought of them as beings I had to break down in order to survive. When a tiger fights with a bear over territory, it’s not particularly because it hates the bear. It’s because only one can be the master of the mountain.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“About the people who tried to eliminate me… It would be a lie to say I have no regrets at all, but I think I’ve shaken most of it off.”
It was an unexpectedly magnanimous expression, unlike him. If Kang Siwon had been in the same situation, he would have been consumed by rage toward those who had robbed him of what should have been a happy childhood.
In fact, Kang Siwon ground his teeth even in his sleep when he thought of his father. But Ray Jun even looked refreshed.
…Could it be because he’d completed his revenge on the bastard who tried to kill him?
He couldn’t help but suspect that. If he just asked, he could hear the answer from Ray Jun. He still had one more chance to question him.
However, Kang Siwon didn’t ask. Because he felt it was meaningless whatever the truth was.
Even if Ray Jun hadn’t killed Zhang Weiren, he couldn’t look at him the way he used to, and even if he had killed him…
“…”
Having learned about that past, he didn’t feel like condemning him either. Perhaps his emotions had been depleted from experiencing so much in a short time, but he just felt tired.
However, even at this point, there was something he absolutely wanted to confirm. With a premonition that if not now, he might never know, Kang Siwon carefully opened his mouth.
“Ray Jun. Can I use my last question?”
“Of course. What are you curious about?”
“Back in Macau, when we went out to eat for the first time…”
The scene from that time suddenly came to mind. The nice interior atmosphere, the rose vase by the window, the neat and delicious food. Even the classical melody that had been playing through the speakers came back vividly.
Perhaps because his mood became needlessly wistful, Kang Siwon’s voice trembled finely.
“What you said then about liking me, was it real?”
“Hm?”
Ray Jun flinched for a moment. Since their bodies were touching, Kang Siwon could keenly pick up on that subtle reaction.
“Umm… If I answer this wrong, I feel like I’ll be hated?”
Ray Jun soon brushed it off with a joke. He was clearly trying to gloss over it. However, Kang Siwon didn’t let him do so.
“You’re already hated. That’s fine, so just answer properly. I won’t curse whatever you say.”
“Can I really be honest?”
“Yeah.”
“Back then, I lied.”
It wasn’t surprising. If a person who babbled things like ‘I like your hole, so in a way, I guess that means I like you?’ had been sincere toward him from that time, that would be more surprising.
“But that was then, and now I’ve come to want you. Is that not enough, Siwon?”
“…”
It was words that could be either an excuse or a confession. Either way, he couldn’t accept it.
He was really sick of it all now. He wanted to stop trying to make Ray Jun understand why he was struggling, stop mulling over various regrets alone, and stop being ambiguously swayed by Ray Jun because he couldn’t forget that kind roommate from the past.
What did it matter what happened with Sovereign, or who died or lived? He was a pawn of the Baeksa Faction, and had now fallen to being Ray Jun’s toy. There seemed to be no need to continue wrestling with someone who didn’t even see him as an equal person.
“Don’t tell me you fell asleep? Why aren’t you talking again?”
Perhaps sensing something strange in the brief silence, Ray Jun grabbed Kang Siwon’s shoulder and shook it lightly. At this, Kang Siwon quietly opened his mouth.
“Thanks for telling me all sorts of things today. I learned a lot because of it.”
“…Why are you suddenly like this?”
“Why your personality is that way, why you desperately infiltrated Sovereign, I understand it all now.”
However, understanding didn’t mean acceptance. From the beginning, Ray Jun and himself were too different, and it was impossible to fully embrace an incompatible existence.
Kang Siwon said goodbye in his heart to the roommate he’d ultimately failed to detach from. He’d long since finished preparing to part, but now it was really time to end it.
“Kang Siwon. Why are you…”
Ray Jun seemed frustrated. It made sense since he’d feel something suspicious while unable to pinpoint specifically what was suspicious. Anyway, the guy had amazing intuition.
His heart was so foolish and heavy that if he kept holding onto it, it felt like his chest would rot. In the end, Kang Siwon spat out that stifling emotion.
“You know what, Ray Jun? I liked you quite a lot.”
“…What?”
“Enough that I wondered how I could avoid breaking up with you.”
“Wait, say that again. You like me? Really?”
Ray Jun, who had released the embrace and raised his upper body, shook him and urged. He looked excited as if he’d received a confession from someone he’d had a crush on. Even though he treated him as nothing more than ‘a tool to have sex with when he felt like it,’ it was un-Ray-Jun-like behavior.
“I’ll probably long for the dormitory we lived in together for the rest of my life. Even though I can never go back.”
“You liked the Sovereign dormitory that much? Is that why you kept trying to go outside the penthouse?”
He consistently missed the point. Not even feeling it was worth correcting, he closed his mouth, and Ray Jun, who had drawn his own conclusion, said.
“Should we move back into the dormitory? Just wait a bit. I’ll try to arrange it. Or it would be good to find an apartment with a similar structure to the dormitory.”
“Haha…”
He was so quick to notice bad things, so how could he be this insensitive about matters related to himself? It was so absurd that a dry laugh burst out. As if taking that as agreement, Ray Jun pulled Kang Siwon into his arms again.
“What. If there’s a place you want to live, you should have said so earlier.”
“…”
“More than that, Siwon, won’t you say it again? That you like me…”
The voice whispering in his ear was sweet like a dream. If a stranger had heard it, they would have mistaken it for a loving couple’s sweet talk.
Kang Siwon could easily imagine what kind of face Ray Jun was making right now. Surely he was closing those fox-like eyes and smiling seductively with his eyes. There would also be a triumphant look there.
It was fortunate it was dark so he couldn’t see. If he saw that expression, he’d definitely be pissed off. And… perhaps his heart might waver.
“That’s enough.”
Being swayed by anyone was now terrible. To live independently, though it wouldn’t be easy, he needed to become stronger. Now was the time to move forward according to his own will.
* * *
The next day, Ray Jun clung to him from the morning. He hugged the sleeping person and planted kisses on his cheeks and chest with smacking sounds.
It wasn’t like he was a dog waking its owner, and no matter how much he stuck to him like this, it was just disgusting. Still drowsy and tired, Kang Siwon roughly pushed his head away.
“Fuck off!”
“Mmm, Siwon…”
“Where do you get off acting cute like that?”
Did he think it would work if he whined pretending to be good and pitiful? Kang Siwon pushed Ray Jun away harshly. Even so, Ray Jun showed no sign of being upset and let out a loose laugh as he got up from the bed.
“I’ll go wash up.”
Regardless, Kang Siwon just stayed holed up in bed. Soon the sound of Ray Jun showering could be heard from afar.
Having finished preparing to go out, he returned to the bedroom. His face was clearer and brighter than the morning sun.
“Siwon, I have to leave now. Sorry for leaving you alone from the morning. But I’ll come back early.”
“…”
“Do you need anything? I’ll buy it on my way back.”
Even though he was deliberately ignoring him, Ray Jun just shrugged his shoulders. For some reason, he seemed to be in a very good mood today.
“If you keep not saying anything like that, I’ll buy you a present on my own. Be prepared.”
Ray Jun threatened mischievously. If it was him, he’d really be willing to buy something bizarre to mess with him.
However, Kang Siwon didn’t open his firmly closed mouth. After all, there was no guarantee he’d meet Ray Jun again this afternoon.
“Siwon, won’t you give Ray, whom you like, a goodbye kiss?”
“…”
“Alright. If you need anything, order room service. I’m leaving.”
Ray Jun, who had approached the bedside, bent down. He kissed his cheek with a smacking sound, then turned around cheerfully. It was terrible how he insisted on kissing someone who had absolutely no intention of it.
In the bedroom after Ray Jun left, Kang Siwon vigorously rubbed and wiped his cheek. And only after he was certain he’d completely left the room did he move his body.
He passed the tea table with cold food on it and headed to the living room. Then he stopped in front of the phone placed on the side table.
He’d never used the room phone before, but he’d read something in the information pamphlet. It said you could make external calls by pressing ‘9.’ At Sovereign, which was under Ray Jun’s influence, even using the phone like this would have been impossible, but the situation here was different.
Kang Siwon pressed 9, then carefully entered the number written on Gemma’s business card. Soon a dial tone followed.
