This is a donation base per chapter no premium chapters will be released. 1 dollar – 1 chapter your name will be put on chapter if you are the one who donated. After donating please indicate the name of the novel. Thank you!
I gestured frantically to the merchant like an agent carrying out a covert operation, urging her to hurry. She, who had an expression as if finding something fun, moved her hands faster than light to wrap the bracelet and gave it to me. As soon as I carefully put it in my backpack, Woogyun approached. When he asked if I bought something, I gave him a sheepish smile then gave cash to the merchant. While receiving change, I exchanged satisfied looks with her. It was fun.
Getting hungry, we went to a tteokgalbi restaurant I found through an internet search. It was a menu choice for Woogyun who said he couldn’t eat seafood well.
We sat facing each other and ate. Since I was much more relaxed than when we first met at the bus stop, I smiled more naturally and ate well too. We talked a lot too. I wanted to quickly go home and organize the new information about Woogyun I learned today. I was going to write my impressions about today’s outing too. Perhaps it would easily fill one notebook. I grinned to myself and sneakily pushed the tteokgalbi toward him.
The meal ended without problems. I was only a bit disappointed with the plum tea that came out for dessert—I like it but Woogyun doesn’t. In the end, Woogyun only drank one sip of plum tea. Should I use this excuse to naturally suggest going to a cafe?
I racked my brain while paying at the counter. Woogyun, who came back from the bathroom, stood beside me. Even though he was just standing there, I was thrilled because I liked it. I was grateful that he just stayed still like that, but Woogyun spoke to me.
“Yunhae-ya, if you’re not busy, want to stop by a cafe?”
Like that.
“Huh?”
At first I thought I heard wrong.
“I’ll buy the coffee. There’s also what I was grateful for last time. Want to go together?”
But I heard correctly.
“Sh-should we?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
How can his smile be so pretty? I received the card the employee held out with slightly trembling hands.
I thought we might part ways like this since we ate for longer than expected. But a cafe. He even suggested going first. It felt like I received a bonus. Woogyun and I walked side by side down the street that had become dark before we knew it, then entered a cafe he frequently goes to.
We ordered coffee and settled in. Since we ran out of things to talk about regarding painting, I brought up easy school talk I’d thought of in advance. The conversation continued quite well, and the coffee we ordered was placed on the table. I, who had been timing it, fumbled to take out the bracelet I bought in the afternoon from my backpack. I quietly placed it in front of Woogyun, who was drinking coffee with dignity.
“What’s this?”
He asks softly. I was trembling for some reason so I picked up my coffee cup with both hands.
“Just…. It’s a gift.”
“A gift?”
“Yeah.”
I wanted to add something but the words just circled around in my mouth.
“Can I unwrap it?”
“…Yeah.”
I lowered my eyes. The unwrapped wrapping paper came into the edge of my vision. By now, the bracelet must have revealed itself. But it was quiet ahead. I became anxious. What if he thinks it’s too much? Should I say even now that I bought it because I was grateful, that it didn’t cost much so don’t feel burdened? I moved my lips. I bit the inside of my lips while silently putting down my coffee cup. I raised my eyes and looked at Woogyun. Woogyun was looking at me and smiling.
“Yunhae-ya, will you put this on me?”
“……”
I swallowed. Feeling my pounding heart, I raised my hand. I grabbed both ends of the string bracelet on Woogyun’s arm. I pulled it to fit Woogyun’s wrist size. Ah, what do I do? Our skin brushed.
“Thank you, Yunhae-ya. I’ll use it well.”
Yeah, I answered small and lowered my hand. After spending time together and becoming a bit comfortable, making eye contact wasn’t difficult anymore, but it became difficult again. I, who lowered my gaze, clasped my hands together and just scratched my innocent fingers with my nails.
“It’s really pretty. Actually, when I saw this, I was debating whether to buy it or not.”
“Really…? That’s a relief.”
“Yeah. But Yunhae-ya, why are your hands so cold? There was a blanket over there, should I bring it for you?”
“Ah….”
“I’ll bring it. Wait a bit.”
Woogyun got up without hesitation and went toward the counter. I covered my face with both hands with only my eyes showing. I looked at Woogyun’s back. He brings a blanket. When our eyes met, he smiles. I was happy enough to die, really happy enough to die right now.
* * *
“Isn’t it really crazy? Huh? He immediately wore the bracelet, and brought a blanket, you know? Right?”
I shouted through the loud music. Bang bang, I also hit the table with my palm where a 500cc beer glass and french fries were placed. Unlike my such intense reaction, the expression of the person sitting across from me was endlessly bland.
“Well….”
The answer was extremely plain too. I frowned sharply. He pushed up his glasses without even blinking.
“You’re going to give up again anyway doing this.”
“…I’m not.”
“You’re not. Then what have I been seeing all this time?”
It was a hard-to-refute fact attack. I firmly closed my lips with a sullen face while fiddling with the beer glass.
The person who became my drinking companion on Sunday night was Choi Seunggyeol, a friend from elementary, middle, and high school. He was the only friend who knew I was gay. Ah, now Cha Geonhyeok knows too so he’s not the only one. Anyway, my childhood friend Choi Seunggyeol knew all of my love history. That’s why he was so indifferent. It wasn’t just because of that—the kid was originally indifferent to everything. Maybe that’s why he’s been friends with me, a gay person, all this time.
‘You like guys.’
The conversation about sexual orientation that could be sensitive for me started one day suddenly, very out of the blue. It was in first year of high school, when Choi Seunggyeol brought it up while we were walking home from school together. I froze while eating a fried sundae skewer, and Choi Seunggyeol pushed up his glasses with an expressionless face.
‘It seemed that way but you kept not saying anything, so I thought you were having a hard time.’
Should I say he’s deeply considerate, or that he has none at all? I couldn’t distinguish well, but anyway, I became comfortable after that day. It was a very good thing to have a friend I could confide in about inner thoughts that were hard to bring up.
Thanks to that, I could tell Choi Seunggyeol such secret stories like today too. I was grateful to him for understanding my sexual orientation as if it were nothing. But being grateful was one thing, and what wasn’t right wasn’t right.
“This time is different.”
I firmly denied Choi Seunggyeol’s words that I’d give up again and continued the conversation that had been briefly cut off. I didn’t just blurt out words without basis. Really, I could be confident that this time was different from before.
“What’s different and how?”
As if unconvinced, a faint distrust was laid out in Choi Seunggyeol’s expression. I answered confidently.
“There’s a reaction.”
“…A reaction?”
“Yeah. The conversation goes back and forth! So it’ll definitely last long.”
I smiled while recalling Woogyun’s face saying let’s go to the cafe. My heart thumped.
It was around when I was sixteen that I became fully aware that I was gay. Even before that I thought I was somehow different from my friends, but I passed it off as no big deal, then one day I fell in love without knowing it. With a male junior one year below me that I encountered during PE class. Of course, it was unrequited love.
I happened to see him running on the playground with his PE shirt tied around his waist. I don’t know what I liked so much about it, but after that his appearance often caught my eye and at some point my head was filled with thoughts of him.
I was thrilled alone knowing he frequently goes to snack shops and karaoke rooms. If we passed each other on the way to and from school, that whole day I just smiled. I deliberately went down to the lower floor that juniors use to see his face even once more, and wandered around the school for no reason. I liked him. The me back then really liked him.
I liked him that much but never once spoke to him. Because I was shy, and my body stiffened every time I stood in front of him. But it was okay. Because I was satisfied just seeing him occasionally and thinking of him often. Because I was happy with just that. However, that feeling didn’t last long.
After about two months, my feelings started to cool. It was because I unknowingly became exhausted with feelings that ultimately weren’t reciprocated. I thought it was okay even if it was one-way, I thought it was enough just to be able to see him, but it turned out it wasn’t.
Even so, I couldn’t believe how my feelings cooled so quickly when I liked him that much. I wondered if it wasn’t exhaustion but a brief wavering. While keeping that junior in my heart, I couldn’t disregard the shock of thinking ‘I’m gay,’ so it might have been for the better. Eventually I decided to consider that incident a brief happening and spent a peaceful time for a while. Then I fell in love again. This time with a young male teacher at my math academy. Of course, this time was also unrequited love.
Tuesdays and Thursdays when I went to the academy were enjoyable. I beamed while thinking of him all day at school, and ran to the academy as soon as it ended. I voluntarily did extra studying too. It was exactly the same feeling as when I had that junior in my heart.
